Friend upset she's not bridesmaid, guest at shower/bachelorette

domey19 · March 2014

I have a friend who I was unable to include in my bridal party (our numbers aren't even & adding more on my side would've made it even more off-balance). She's upset because I didn't include her for my shower & bachelorette but I only left out-of-state guests off the list because they already have to fly in for my wedding, I didn't want them to feel obligated to come to my shower & bachelorette too. Was I wrong? How can I smooth this over? I'd hate to lose a friend over this.

wrigleyville · March 2014

An invitation is not an obligation/summons, so distance shouldn't be a factor when sending invitations. I would call her and try to patch it over and then send her an invitation pronto.

As for having her in your WP, having uneven sides shouldn't be a factor, but at the same time, you have every right to decide how many attendants you have. On the other hand, if you told her about the sides, she might feel more like a number than a friend.

domey19 · March 2014

I will definitely try to patch things up & hopefully she's open to that & I'll have my sister send her an invite right away. As for being in the WP, I tried to explain that I just couldn't ask everyone I wanted to be involved & I hope she understood. I tried to not make her feel like a number, but it's such a touchy subject.

phira · March 2014

If you would have asked her to be a bridesmaid, and the only reason you didn't is because your sides wouldn't be even, that's pretty sad.

And as @wrigleyville said, an invitation isn't a subpoena. You could invite anyone you wanted to; if they couldn't make it because they're out of town, then they just decline.

AddieCake · March 2014

I never understand why people think they are helping/being courteous/doing someone a favor by NOT inviting them to a party. It's fine if you didn't want her in your WP, but you should have included her in the other party invitations if she is a good friend.

domey19 · March 2014

It's not the only reason I didn't ask her, but we are already 5 and 3, so I wasn't sure about making it 6 and 3. I clearly should've just invited her & let her decline if she wasn't able to come, I realize that now. But I honestly was just trying to think of her & felt bad asking people to spend even more money for me.

lyndausvi · March 2014

I never understand why people think they are helping/being courteous/doing someone a favor by NOT inviting them to a party. It's fine if you didn't want her in your WP, but you should have included her in the other party invitations if she is a good friend.

THIS. I get not having her in the WP. I understand the friend's disappointment. I was left out of a WP and it really hurt me. Funny thing though I'm still friends with her to this day, but she doesn't talk to a few of her WP members anymore. 1 was an actual falling out. The others just life, moves, etc got in the way and they just lost touch.

Anyway, I digress. Had I been excluded from the shower and b-party it might have been relationship ended. Not in a major fallout kind of way, but in a "I guess we weren't as close as I thought" kind-of way. Why invest in a one-sided relationship? Still be friendly, but not go out of my way to keep in touch either.

lc07 · March 2014

OP, just be honest with her at this point regarding the parties. Let her know that you didn't add her to the invite list because you didn't want to burden her with pressuring her to come. Tell her you realize that was a mistake because you would really love for her to be there. Thank her for sharing how she feels with you and tell her you'd love it if she could be there and invite her. Also, this ship has sailed for you OP but lurkers - it's not a bad thing for sides to be uneven. It doesn't get worse the more uneven you make it.

lc07 · March 2014

To add, I love receiving invites for showers and bachelorettes for my loved ones even when I cannot attend. I receive invites from friends for showers and bachelorettes overseas. I do NOT see them as subpoenas or as gift grabby. It's nice to feel like these people love me and would want me to celebrate with them if I could. I send a gift if I'm able to at the time. I don't if I can't afford it. The invitation, in my opinion, is always appreciated. If you would want that person there if they could make it, I think it's important to invite them.

APDSS22 · March 2014

lc07 said:

OP, just be honest with her at this point regarding the parties. Let her know that you didn't add her to the invite list because you didn't want to burden her with pressuring her to come. Tell her you realize that was a mistake because you would really love for her to be there. Thank her for sharing how she feels with you and tell her you'd love it if she could be there and invite her. Also, this ship has sailed for you OP but lurkers - it's not a bad thing for sides to be uneven. It doesn't get worse the more uneven you make it.

I don't know, from a logistics standpoint I can see not wanting uneven sides of say, 27 and 3. I know people are not props but that would be a wee bit ridiculous to try to position 30 WP members for pictures, the vast majority of which are wearing the same outfit. But if a bride and groom really want that I would probably note it then not care. *shrugs* If it was one really good friend like in OP's case I would've probably gone with 6 and 3 since she was already at 5 and 3 but at this point it would definitely be a "B list" bridesmaid situation.

lc07 · March 2014

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

lc07 said:

OP, just be honest with her at this point regarding the parties. Let her know that you didn't add her to the invite list because you didn't want to burden her with pressuring her to come. Tell her you realize that was a mistake because you would really love for her to be there. Thank her for sharing how she feels with you and tell her you'd love it if she could be there and invite her. Also, this ship has sailed for you OP but lurkers - it's not a bad thing for sides to be uneven. It doesn't get worse the more uneven you make it.

I don't know, from a logistics standpoint I can see not wanting uneven sides of say, 27 and 3. I know people are not props but that would be a wee bit ridiculous to try to position 30 WP members for pictures, the vast majority of which are wearing the same outfit. But if a bride and groom really want that I would probably note it then not care. *shrugs* If it was one really good friend like in OP's case I would've probably gone with 6 and 3 since she was already at 5 and 3 but at this point it would definitely be a "B list" bridesmaid situation.

I can see how I worded my post poorly. I think 27 bridesmaids is ridiculous. If you want to do it, fine. I just don't know anyone who is THAT close to 27 people in a different way than their other friends and relatives. That's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about 5 and 3 or 6 and 3. It's just not that big of a difference, you know? ETA: I think you may be just taking my example to an extreme. 54 bridesmaids to 22 groomsmen is just extreme in numbers period, you know?

clg1213 · March 2014

You don't need to give a deep explanation on the WP end.

"I swear, picking BMs was in some ways tougher than picking the Groom! It was such a tough decision to make, but we needed to do it and then stick with it. I value our friendship and love you very much and it means so much to have you be present at this important day. As for the other parties, totally a misunderstanding and I hope you can come!!!"

phira · March 2014

I actually wouldn't want to hear any reasons why I wasn't asked to be in the wedding party. I've had it happen to me, and it made me feel more upset about the whole situation.

AddieCake · March 2014

phira said:

I actually wouldn't want to hear any reasons why I wasn't asked to be in the wedding party. I've had it happen to me, and it made me feel more upset about the whole situation.

This. I have also had this happen, and the explanation only left me more confused and hurt.

emmaaa · March 2014

I wouldn't give reasons for not being in the WP either. But I would definitely apologize for not inviting her to the shower and explain that you didn't want to inconvenience her but now realize that you should have invited her from the start.

On the topic of uneven sides and picking your BMs: I have 7 BMs and there are still friends I could ask, however, I chose my SILs and my 5 best friends that I see and talk with regularly. The others are good friends but we don't see each other or talk often simply because we're busy. But when we do talk and get together, we pick up where we left off. These friends never expected to be in my WP because of that reason and are just glad to be invited. Every situation is different but I value my friendships more so that being a BM

jalyndani · March 2014

I may not want any reasons as to why I wasn't in the WP, but not being invited to the shower or Bachelorette either? Geesh. That's harsh.

Here's a slightly similar situation I was in several years ago: my absolute best friend, attached-at-the-hip partner-in-crime from all of undergrad and grad school moved to another state after graduation. We had spent years hypothesizing our future weddings, making promises that we wouldn't make each other wear pink and/or ruffles, etc. After she moved, we weren't able to talk every day, but we texted regularly and were able to stay in touch thanks to this new little invention called The Facebook. The day she got engaged, she called me. Excitement and squealing ensued. I started asking the typical questions one asks their best friend who is newly engaged- when? where? bachelorette ideas? (Granted, hindsight is 20/20 and 30 year old me knows that 24 year old me was a little hasty here.) But she started stuttering immediately and saying, "oh well we don't know yet, but we want something small for family & friends". Ok. Sweet. So...let's plan a day to talk about details? "Oh we won't be doing this until next year, so we have time." Ok. Congrats, I love you, can't wait.

Never. Heard. Another. Word. My best friend of 7 years all of sudden was MIA. Look, I understood if she only wanted her sister & cousin & FSIL as BMs. I understood that I was out of state. But I wasn't invited to ANYTHING. Not a shower, not a party, not the wedding. She invited two of our mutual friends and their SOs (not married or engaged), who also live in my state. But not me. I found out thru Facebook that the wedding had already happened weeks later due to pictures posted by those mutual friends. I could see the size of the reception and exactly who was there thanks to those pictures. When she and her new husband swung thru my state on their honeymoon so he could visit her "home", she didn't even stinkin' call me.

It's been 3 years since they got married, and she has yet to broach the topic with me. The whole situation still hurts more than a little. I'm not saying she "owes" me an explanation, but....there was never any indication that our friendship was disintegrating until the MIA wedding invitation. I even went on a trip where I made a stop in her new hometown after the engagement phone call, and she couldn't meet me for lunch because she was "doing wedding stuff" that day. To this day, I still don't know what happened to our friendship. She called to squeal and share the engagement with me, but I didn't mean enough to her to even warrant a freakin' invitation? I know I wasn't rich and I lived in a different state, but...nothing?

I guess my point is, don't assume that just because she lives in another state that she doesn't want to at least feel included. She might be wondering now if she considers you a closer friend than you consider her to be. Just because she might not be able to afford traveling for more than just the wedding doesn't mean she shouldn't feel welcomed/included in the other events- especially if she is a close enough friend that you had considered having her as a BM.

Edited: b/c grammar is our friend, and his feelings matter too.

JeeGooDowster · March 2014

AddieL73 said:

I never understand why people think they are helping/being courteous/doing someone a favor by NOT inviting them to a party. It's fine if you didn't want her in your WP, but you should have included her in the other party invitations if she is a good friend.

Although I agree with you...you'll be surprised how many people complain about BEING invited...they just feel the pressure to go and then complain about having to give a gift and then travel for the wedding, etc.so it really just depends on the person. The OP was just trying to look out for the people already having to make a big effort to go to her wedding, let alone the other wedding related activities...however I think the bachelorette could have been an exception...who doesn't want to party? LOL

JeeGooDowster · March 2014

carynNchan said:

AddieL73 said:

I never understand why people think they are helping/being courteous/doing someone a favor by NOT inviting them to a party. It's fine if you didn't want her in your WP, but you should have included her in the other party invitations if she is a good friend.

Although I agree with you...you'll be surprised how many people complain about BEING invited...they just feel the pressure to go and then complain about having to give a gift and then travel for the wedding, etc.so it really just depends on the person. The OP was just trying to look out for the people already having to make a big effort to go to her wedding, let alone the other wedding related activities...however I think the bachelorette could have been an exception...who doesn't want to party? LOL

FYI - I'm not one of those people...I actually like attending weddings! But I have a few co-workers and friends who just bitch and moan!

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

carynNchan said:

carynNchan said:

AddieL73 said:

I never understand why people think they are helping/being courteous/doing someone a favor by NOT inviting them to a party. It's fine if you didn't want her in your WP, but you should have included her in the other party invitations if she is a good friend.

Although I agree with you...you'll be surprised how many people complain about BEING invited...they just feel the pressure to go and then complain about having to give a gift and then travel for the wedding, etc.so it really just depends on the person. The OP was just trying to look out for the people already having to make a big effort to go to her wedding, let alone the other wedding related activities...however I think the bachelorette could have been an exception...who doesn't want to party? LOL

FYI - I'm not one of those people...I actually like attending weddings! But I have a few co-workers and friends who just bitch and moan!

My grandma gets mad when she is invited to things. She can't afford gifts or trips or even get house payments, so she thinks everyone is rubbing it in. No one is going that but I won't be inviting her to any pre wedding stuff.

phira · March 2014

@jalyndani That is awful!! I keep trying to comment on what I think the worst part of that situation is, but I keep just coming back to WOW.

Marzipan13 · March 2014

jalyndani Jesus, that made me tear up. I'm so sorry that happened to you!

Friend upset she's not bridesmaid, guest at shower/bachelorette

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