I do NOT want kids at my wedding!!! Why isn't that okay?!

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I don't get the hostility on either side -- the hostility of people who want kid-free weddings and the hostility of people who want kid-friendly weddings. I just don't get it either way.

You can have a kid-free wedding and be fine in terms of etiquette. You can have a kid-friendly wedding in terms of etiquette. You can invite kids in circles in terms of etiquette.

You just can't project your hatred (of kids or of some kids or whatever) or your beliefs (you don't like kids, so obviously the parents will want a night away) onto your guests. That's assumptive and rude.

You invite the people you're inviting, and you treat people who want to bring their kids the way you'd treat anyone else who adds on an uninvited guest -- by calling them and saying, "I'm so sorry, the invite was only for you and your spouse, not your children. Will you and your spouse be able to attend?'

Don't assume people are trying to be rude. Some people are, sure, but some people are just genuinely clueless.

climbingsingle · March 2014

I don't really see where the hostility is. Just because I don't like kids doesn't make me a mean, nasty person. I don't run around kicking babies. People are allowed to not enjoy children.

lightningsnow · March 2014

MrsAitch said:

lightningsnow said:

scribe95 said:

I get wanting an elegant, sophisticated wedding and I support your right to not invite children. Does your sister have children that won't be in the wedding party and that is maybe why she reacted that way?

On a side note, anyone other than me uncomfortable sometimes with the hostility in some of these posts about kids? And the idea that parents should just be overjoyed to leave them at home and get away from them?

I don't understand the hostility either. In my family, since there are so many kids, there are fights if kids aren't invited. I know when I get married to my BF in the future, our wedding will be kid friendly. I think they make the party a lot more fun. Granted, majority of the kids in my family are now much older but still. They're invited but we've already discussed what kids are getting invites and what kids might not.

Hahaha this is how I felt too before I started wedding planning and discovered inviting all kids meant adding 50 extra people to the guest list. We invited kids of family members, but that's it. I would love to have all the kids there but we don't have the space or money for that many extra people and I'm not willing to cut a good friend who is an adult off of our guest list just so someone's 15 month old baby can go. Sorry I'm not sorry.

We've already discussed inviting the kids in my family I have close relationships with. One of my cousin's kids is a nightmare to be around and I don't have a very close relationship with him. He will possibly not be invited though I'm not sure how that will go etiquette wise.

offthemarket915 · March 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

I don't like kids. Didn't invite them to my first wedding, won't be inviting any to my second. Yes, you can limit children to just your BP, but I'm curious, what are you going to do if one of THEM starts crying, having a hissy, shits their pants or gets otherwise tired and out of control? You're better off without having any if you're concerned about children behaving like children. I do think all public places should be mandated a cry room, btw.

At least in the finer restaurants. hmpf.

offthemarket915 · March 2014

To th OP, you're well within your rights to invite adults only. We are limiting the children at our wedding to family only. Thankfully, in our circle the friends with kids are happy to have a weekend away without their kids. Doesn't mean they don't love them, they just feel that it's healthy to reconnect with their spouse in a way that doesn't tend to happen otherwise. Some people believe that the relationship between spouses should come first because without that strong foundation, the rest of the family suffers.

buddysmom80 · March 2014

OP, we're not having children at our wedding and 99% of the guests are fine with that (my BM told me her daughter didn't understand why she wasn't invited....). We're having an evening wedding and I know kids can get cranky if they stay up past their bedtime. I love kids, but in certain social events, there should be a child-free option (weddings, funerals)

ETA: Wrong WP member, wasn't my MOH, it's one of my BMs

SJM7538 · March 2014

I don't understand how anyone can say they hate or do not like children. I can understand not enjoying being around them but how do you hate all children? Hate is a strong word.

Children are people. You don't make an assumption that you hate an adult person without first meeting and interacting with them. So how can anyone just automatically assume they are not going to like a child? I have plenty of friends who have children I dislike bc they are not well behaved and are almost embarrassing to be out in public with but there are also plenty of children that I like that are well behaved and well mannered

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

Add people said, you are perfectly okay not to invite kids. I love kids but I understand and won't be hostile with you

We are inviting all kids to our wedding because all of ore family weddings have been that way and the few times kids have cried, the parents were responsible and took them out. There is only one kid I'm concerned about. He is a terror, but his sister is a bridesmaid and he is my cousin, so I couldn't really not invite him. We will have some kid friendly activities and are keeping the cake out if his reach.

mbross3 · March 2014

blueeyes90 said:

Add people said, you are perfectly okay not to invite kids. I love kids but I understand and won't be hostile with you We are inviting all kids to our wedding because all of ore family weddings have been that way and the few times kids have cried, the parents were responsible and took them out. There is only one kid I'm concerned about. He is a terror, but his sister is a bridesmaid and he is my cousin, so I couldn't really not invite him. We will have some kid friendly activities and are keeping the cake out if his reach.

I think this is part of what makes life so interesting- something that you, personally cannot relate to, is a completely understandable and relatable feeling to someone else.

That being said, "hate" and "do not like" are very different things. I think it's perfectly understandable to say "I dislike children" in general. I would never say "I hate all children", this just would not be true for me. There are children whom I love very dearly (nieces and nephews, children of dear friends, etc.) but in general I dislike the company of children. There are many aspect of having and caring for children that I find completely and utterly unappealing. That is not a statement regarding the individual child at all, rather a personal preference.

ETA: also I think there's a difference between saying "I hate all children" and "I hate being around children"

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

Mitch617 said:

Also I've never heard of a cry room and would not do that. If you do wind up inviting kids, hopefully parents can figure out there own way to duck out and quiet the kids down somewhere like a bathroom or outside,

Cry rooms are already an established part of many churches. They are designated rooms that parents can take unruly children to during mass so that the mass itself is not disrupted.

But not every church has them.

doeydo · March 2014

I, and I don't think anyone else said, that they hate all children. Generally speaking, I dislike children. Some can be cute at times, but I do not 'like' them as a whole and wouldn`t want to spend an entire evening with one. I also dislike all babies (they aren`t cute at all too me, and they pretty much just cry, go to the bathroom on themselves, and sleep). Now, I certainly would never abuse or harm a child. Also, if I saw a child in need of help (ie. they are lost) I would help them in an instant.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

aleighc3 said:

I think they someone should invent a cry room for people who complain about babies who cry in public...IMO....

Why?

Do you really, honestly enjoy the sound of a child wailing and shrieking at the top of it's lungs for 10, 15, 20 minutes while you are trying to have a meal, shop, commute to work/home on public transportation, etc? How about if you are stuck on a plane and have no where to go to get away from the sound?

I have experienced these things and the parents made no effort to soothe their child, and it was fucking obnoxious. I got a terrible headache once from a young girl shrieking at at uncomfortable octave for the duration of a 45+ minute bus ride- we were stuck in traffic on a bridge and I couldn't get off.

I also would not enjoy if a random adult decided to scream at the top of his/her lungs without end.

Do I care if a child has a meltdown that ends as quickly as it began? No, shit happens, kids get upset. But when kids are loud in public and their parents make no effort to soothe or quiet them, or remove them until they have calmed down, I find it rude and obnoxious on the parents' part.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

SJM7538 said:

I don't understand how anyone can say they hate or do not like children. I can understand not enjoying being around them but how do you hate all children? Hate is a strong word.

Children are people. You don't make an assumption that you hate an adult person without first meeting and interacting with them. So how can anyone just automatically assume they are not going to like a child? I have plenty of friends who have children I dislike bc they are not well behaved and are almost embarrassing to be out in public with but there are also plenty of children that I like that are well behaved and well mannered

I do not hate nor dislike kids at all.

What I hate and dislike are parents that allow their kids to be disruptive in public at the detriment of those around them, especially in places that are not appropriate for children. That behavior was never tolerated in my family growing up.

When I go to a park, I expect there to be lots of families and kids running around, playing, laughing, exploring, yelling, fighting, etc. When I go to a museum I don't expect kids to be running wild, KWIM? I hope that they are enjoying the exhibits, asking questions, learning things, and exploring, but in a different way than running around a park.

lightningsnow · March 2014

Musikalbunni said:

I invited in circles.

Only out of state/out of country kids are invited to our wedding. All the local kids are not included in invites. It' only 5 of them who are out of state/country.

I am neutral about kids. I like interacting with them whenever I get a chance. I tend to have a potty mouth so I am not necessarily kid-friendly in that sense, but I like them.
I do think there are events that should be strictly adult-only - especially if there is alcohol present.

Would inviting kids you have a good, personal relationship with be considered inviting in circles? No families would be split up.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

lightningsnow said:

Musikalbunni said:

I invited in circles.

Only out of state/out of country kids are invited to our wedding. All the local kids are not included in invites. It' only 5 of them who are out of state/country.

I am neutral about kids. I like interacting with them whenever I get a chance. I tend to have a potty mouth so I am not necessarily kid-friendly in that sense, but I like them.
I do think there are events that should be strictly adult-only - especially if there is alcohol present.

Would inviting kids you have a good, personal relationship with be considered inviting in circles? No families would be split up.

Yes. Because you're inviting based on a classification -- kids I have a relationship with -- which is just like other classifications -- friends I've seen in the last year; aunts/uncles; first cousins; etc.

As long as you don't split up families, this is fine. It might still cause hurt feelings, if Friend A gets to bring her kid and Friend B doesn't, but in terms of strict etiquette, it's fine.

lightningsnow · March 2014

Musikalbunni said:

lightningsnow said:

Musikalbunni said:

I invited in circles.

Only out of state/out of country kids are invited to our wedding. All the local kids are not included in invites. It' only 5 of them who are out of state/country.

I am neutral about kids. I like interacting with them whenever I get a chance. I tend to have a potty mouth so I am not necessarily kid-friendly in that sense, but I like them.
I do think there are events that should be strictly adult-only - especially if there is alcohol present.

Would inviting kids you have a good, personal relationship with be considered inviting in circles? No families would be split up.

No, because you are personalizing who gets an invite.

I invited out of towners, because child-care arrangements would be nearly impossible. Especially for those family members coming from another country.

There is only 3 families in our list who have children, and live locally, where we didn't include their kids. Everyone else are couples who are married, dating, living together for whatever length of time.

Okay. I figure ask these questions now before I get engaged so I know when that time comes. When it concerns my family, the amount of kids is staggering and I barely seen some of them or in the case of my dad's side of the family, never met them. We'll figure out the best way to do so when that time comes. Thanks for the info.

arrippa · March 2014

Musikalbunni said:

I invited in circles.

Only out of state/out of country kids are invited to our wedding. All the local kids are not included in invites. It' only 5 of them who are out of state/country.

I am neutral about kids. I like interacting with them whenever I get a chance. I tend to have a potty mouth so I am not necessarily kid-friendly in that sense, but I like them.
I do think there are events that should be strictly adult-only - especially if there is alcohol present.

That's what I am doing. Although I dislike kids, most of my OOT guests wouldn't fly across the country to attend our wedding if they couldn't bring their kids. I had to make a choice between having kids and family or no kids and no family. However, none of our local guests will have their children invited.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

Musikalbunni said:

I invited in circles.

Only out of state/out of country kids are invited to our wedding. All the local kids are not included in invites. It' only 5 of them who are out of state/country.

I am neutral about kids. I like interacting with them whenever I get a chance. I tend to have a potty mouth so I am not necessarily kid-friendly in that sense, but I like them.
I do think there are events that should be strictly adult-only - especially if there is alcohol present.

I find statements like these kinda silly- well I find the logic silly, not the opinion.

Growing up, our families drank wine with dinner- still do. It was never a big deal, no one ever got sloppy drunk at dinner or family gatherings, so I personally don't think that just because alcohol might be present, children shouldn't be. That would mean that they couldn't attend sporting events, go to amusement parks, etc.

wrigleyville · March 2014

I don't dislike kids, but I'm extremely sensitive to noise. Kids are noisy at times; therefore, I don't like being around kids when they're hyper or throwing a tantrum. As much as I love my nieces, I'm exhausted and have a headache after only a couple of hours with them. A roomful of kids is a nightmare situation for me. For what it's worth, I don't like being around noisy adults either. I wear earbuds almost everywhere I go.

We didn't invite kids to our wedding, and we've taken steps to ensure we don't have kids. Personally, I'm tired of being treated like a second-class citizen because I don't want kids and don't like being around them. I shouldn't have to justify it, and not enjoying the company of children doesn't mean I'm not a "real woman".

It doesn't help that some modern parents seem to be afraid of disciplining their children. I don't mean hitting - I mean raising their voice and/or telling the child to calm down. Some see it as "letting them be free and creative". Great. So you're an asshole, and now your kids are going to grow up to be assholes too. Fabulous. I know you think you can "reason with" a two-year old, but you can't. Their brains aren't developed that way yet, so knock off the crunchy and get with the program. Your kid is a brat, and we all want to throw you off the train/plane for "letting them shriek their adorable widdle feelings".

lyndausvi · March 2014

http://foxnewsinsider.com/2014/03/05/viral-guest-leaves-nasty-letter-parents-crying-baby

I thought of this thread when I saw this article.

Personally I think both parties are right. I think a family has a right to bring their kids to a family friendly ski resort. I also think other paying guests have a right to be pissed that your family is being disruptive regardless of the reason.

I don't care if it's a baby, an adult or a loud machine. I'm going to be pissed if someone or something disrupts my sleep. Especially when I'm paying the kind of prices ski resort cost.

That said, I would have made the problem the front desk or management deal with not written the letter.

ashleyep · March 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Musikalbunni said:

I invited in circles.

Only out of state/out of country kids are invited to our wedding. All the local kids are not included in invites. It' only 5 of them who are out of state/country.

I am neutral about kids. I like interacting with them whenever I get a chance. I tend to have a potty mouth so I am not necessarily kid-friendly in that sense, but I like them.
I do think there are events that should be strictly adult-only - especially if there is alcohol present.

I find statements like these kinda silly- well I find the logic silly, not the opinion.

Growing up, our families drank wine with dinner- still do. It was never a big deal, no one ever got sloppy drunk at dinner or family gatherings, so I personally don't think that just because alcohol might be present, children shouldn't be. That would mean that they couldn't attend sporting events, go to amusement parks, etc.

Agreed. My cousin's wedding was an evening reception with lots of drinking. My family loves to drink when we all get together (one of my cousins spent the night passed out on a pool chair). Another cousin's son was there - he's 8 I think. Anyway, he was fine. He was dancing, the other (not sober) guests were having a blast dancing with him, and it wasn't a problem. Unless you think that any event that includes alcohol is going to devolve into a bar brawl, there's really no reason why kids can't be at an event that has alcohol. If you don't want kids at your wedding, then fine, but the excuse of "well an evening reception with open bar is no place for kids" is just that - an excuse. The parents can decide if that's a situation they don't want their kids in. You don't have to do the parenting for them.

And I'm not saying that as someone who is inviting everyone's kids to my wedding - I'm not. I don't even think I'm inviting that 8 year old. I don't think I'll have any kids there, but it's not really a conscious choice not to include kids - most of my guests don't have kids.

JeeGooDowster · March 2014

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

Musikalbunni said:

lightningsnow said:

Musikalbunni said:

I invited in circles.

Only out of state/out of country kids are invited to our wedding. All the local kids are not included in invites. It' only 5 of them who are out of state/country.

I am neutral about kids. I like interacting with them whenever I get a chance. I tend to have a potty mouth so I am not necessarily kid-friendly in that sense, but I like them.
I do think there are events that should be strictly adult-only - especially if there is alcohol present.

Would inviting kids you have a good, personal relationship with be considered inviting in circles? No families would be split up.

No, because you are personalizing who gets an invite.

I invited out of towners, because child-care arrangements would be nearly impossible. Especially for those family members coming from another country.

There is only 3 families in our list who have children, and live locally, where we didn't include their kids. Everyone else are couples who are married, dating, living together for whatever length of time.

Disagree with the bolded. Of course you can only invite the children you are close to. That's what all your invites are, picking who is invited based on who you are close to. Now, inviting in circles causes less drama, but it's not against etiquette to invite adult cousin A but not invite adult cousin B, so why would this be any different when the people being invited are children? @lightningsnow what you are proposing is fine, since you are not splitting up immediate families.

doeydo · March 2014

carynNchan said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

Not everyone in the world has children. My FI and I don't want any. If for some reason, our opinions about children and what we wanted in life did a 180 and suddenly we decided to adopt a child, I would never assume that said child is welcome at any and all events. People are free to not invite my imaginary child to their wedding; I would ask my mom, FILs, or someone else to babysit for the night.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

carynNchan said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

I'm sure most of the regular posters will be fine with whatever the bride and groom decided, because most of the woman on here know that their future children will not be invited to everything. They are not special snowflakes!

lightningsnow · March 2014

laurynm84 said:

Musikalbunni said:

lightningsnow said:

Musikalbunni said:

I invited in circles.

Only out of state/out of country kids are invited to our wedding. All the local kids are not included in invites. It' only 5 of them who are out of state/country.

I am neutral about kids. I like interacting with them whenever I get a chance. I tend to have a potty mouth so I am not necessarily kid-friendly in that sense, but I like them.
I do think there are events that should be strictly adult-only - especially if there is alcohol present.

Would inviting kids you have a good, personal relationship with be considered inviting in circles? No families would be split up.

No, because you are personalizing who gets an invite.

I invited out of towners, because child-care arrangements would be nearly impossible. Especially for those family members coming from another country.

There is only 3 families in our list who have children, and live locally, where we didn't include their kids. Everyone else are couples who are married, dating, living together for whatever length of time.

Disagree with the bolded. Of course you can only invite the children you are close to. That's what all your invites are, picking who is invited based on who you are close to. Now, inviting in circles causes less drama, but it's not against etiquette to invite adult cousin A but not invite adult cousin B, so why would this be any different when the people being invited are children? @lightningsnow what you are proposing is fine, since you are not splitting up immediate families.

Okay thank you both. As I am yet to be engaged, but wanting to be prepared when the time comes, I will remember this when we do get engaged and prepare to get married. I'm hoping within the year we will be engaged.

JeeGooDowster · March 2014

Musikalbunni said:

By as an FYI: I agree it's perfectly acceptable to have kids and no kids at the wedding.

This is more a matter of preference - if anything.

@carynNchan, not cool to assume people will change their opinion once they become a mother. Some of the regs here have personally chosen not to have kids. Some have kids and understand when their kids have not been invited. No one has complained, but adjusted to the situation. They can either decline or accept and find a sitter. That's life.

@musikalbunni...i used "when/if"...which I acknowledge that some choose not to have kids at all. I was talking about the regulars who plan on having children

climbingsingle · March 2014

carynNchan said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

@carynNchan - FI and I won't be having children. Not every single couple on the planet has kids.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Musikalbunni said:

lightningsnow said:

Musikalbunni said:

I invited in circles.

Only out of state/out of country kids are invited to our wedding. All the local kids are not included in invites. It' only 5 of them who are out of state/country.

I am neutral about kids. I like interacting with them whenever I get a chance. I tend to have a potty mouth so I am not necessarily kid-friendly in that sense, but I like them.
I do think there are events that should be strictly adult-only - especially if there is alcohol present.

Would inviting kids you have a good, personal relationship with be considered inviting in circles? No families would be split up.

No, because you are personalizing who gets an invite.

I invited out of towners, because child-care arrangements would be nearly impossible. Especially for those family members coming from another country.

There is only 3 families in our list who have children, and live locally, where we didn't include their kids. Everyone else are couples who are married, dating, living together for whatever length of time.

Uhm, that is *exactly* the point of an invite -- personalising who gets one and who doesn't.

JeeGooDowster · March 2014

@climbingbrideny and @doeydo i used "when/if"...which I acknowledge that some choose not to have kids at all. I was talking about the regulars who plan on having children....

I do NOT want kids at my wedding!!! Why isn't that okay?!

Re: I do NOT want kids at my wedding!!! Why isn't that okay?!

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