My
mom and I haven't ever been close. Sometimes I think it's because maybe we are
so similarly stubborn that we clash, but other times I really just think we
have nothing in common. This post will be kind of long, rant/vent, but I
welcome any advice on fixing things.
My
parents were born and raised in NYC. All of their family and friends were
always within walking distance. They decided to move their family (my brother
and I) to a small backwoods PA town when we were very young. I went away to
college and then traveled with no plans to return. My mom would bounce back and
forth between being happy/proud of me for doing my own thing; to devastated I
was so far away. I spent time living in Australia, Nepal, and Ecuador. I found a job that I loved in my field in Pittsburgh (5 hours
from my parents’ home, and where I currently live). This distance is drive-able in a day. We can visit for the weekend. I think my mom expected me to be over for dinner twice a week, so this isn't ideal for her.
My
mom only ever talks about how far away I am, and all of her friends and family
have their children close to them. She constantly asks me to look for jobs
closer to her, and insists I'm not making an effort to do so. Which is true,
because I have no interest in moving back to the small town I grew up in, and
there are limited job opportunities there. I have been called selfish,
careless, and distant. If I don't go to every family event, function, or
holiday, she gets very upset and claims don't make an effort.
My
fiancé was raised in the south and has family mainly in Texas and Tennessee. We
met in Pittsburgh and are hosting the wedding here. When I tried to talk to my
mother, she was very hurt and kept suggesting we get married in her country
club community. I tried to explain that our location is central to all family
(his and mine), our friends are here, and that it would be easiest for me to
plan a wedding where I live. She got very upset and said she felt that she
wouldn't be involved in the wedding because it is so far away.
I
understand her only daughter getting married is very stressful and
emotional. I have made an effort to call her often, email her pictures,
and ask her opinion on as much as possible. I invited her to stay with us this
week, and together we went to look at hotels, flowers, and other wedding
related plans. We also spent time together just catching up. I thought it was a
relatively successful trip, until this morning.
This
morning she brought up a bridal shower. I told her that my MOH had already said
she wanted to host a shower here in Pittsburgh. My mom said that was unfair,
that the wedding would be here so the shower should be in her town. I said that
traditionally the MOH hosts a shower, and if she would like to host a second
one in her town, we could talk about it. She was very emotional and insisted I’m
trying to exclude my family. I again said to my mom, that I am fine with her
hosting a second shower if she would like to host one for my extended family
and family friends. She then said “okay, I guess we could have two showers, if
mine is first.” I thought this was childish, but I agreed that her shower could
be hosted earlier than the MOH shower if that’s so important.
She
then implied that her shower would be the “real” shower for families, and the
shower hosted by my MOH would be a “lesser” shower for my coworkers. I
explained that I felt that was rude. My local friends, coworkers, and my fiancés
family are not going to travel to my mom’s small town for a bridal shower and
then have to pay for hotels and other expenses. I explained that I understood
why she wanted to host a shower closer to her, but it’s my wedding and my MOH
had already decided to plan a shower, so we can compromise and do two showers.
My
mom and I haven't ever been close. Sometimes I think it's because maybe we are
so similarly stubborn that we clash, but other times I really just think we
have nothing in common. This post will be kind of long, rant/vent, but I
welcome any advice on fixing things.
My parents were born and raised in NYC. All of their family and friends were
always within walking distance. They decided to move their family (my brother
and I) to a small backwoods PA town when we were very young. I went away to
college and then traveled with no plans to return. My mom would bounce back and
forth between being happy/proud of me for doing my own thing to devastated I
was so far away. I found a job that I loved in my field in Pittsburgh (5 hours
from my parents home, and where I currently live).
All my mom ever talks about is how far away I am, and how all of her friends
and family have their children close to them. She constantly asks me to look
for jobs closer to her, and insists I'm not making an effort to do so. Which is
true, because I have no interest in moving back to the small town I grew up in,
and there are limited job opportunities there. I have been called selfish,
careless, and distant. If I don't go to every family event, function, or
holiday, she gets very upset and claims don't make an effort.
My fiance was raised in the south and has family mainly in Texas
and Tennessee. We met in Pittsburgh and are hosting the wedding here. When I
tried to talk to my mother, she was very hurt and kept suggesting we get
married in her country club community. I tried to explain that our location is central
to all family (his and mine), our friends are here, and that it would be
easiest for me to plan a wedding where I live. She got very upset and said she
felt that she wouldn't be involved in the wedding because it is so far
away.
I understand her only daughter getting married is very stressful
and emotional. I have made an effort to call her often, email her
pictures, and ask her opinion on as much as possible. I invited her to stay
with us this week, and together we went to look at hotels, flowers, and other
wedding related plans. We also spent time together just catching up. I thought
it was a relatively successful trip, until this morning.
My
mom insisted it would be “weird” if any of my fiancé’s family (including my MIL
who lives 45 mins from me) came to my Pittsburgh shower and she wasn’t there. I
said she was more than welcome to come to the shower and she went off about how
it’s all about my interests and that it’s not ideal for her to host a shower
and attend a shower in Pittsburgh. I explained it’s my wedding, and that it’s
unfair to expect my fiancé’s family to make a longer trip to go to the shower
she is hosting, if there will be a second shower that is more accessible to
them. Honestly, I could care less if I even had one shower. But I feel since my
MOH asked me to host one before my mom did, and that traditionally the MOH does
host, I don’t want to ask her to not host one. I also would prefer my MOH’s shower
where I live, with people I care about. My mom’s shower will most likely
include extended family I don’t often see, and her friends.
I
tried to talk calmly about this and my mom got very upset and was basically
throwing a childish fit. She was clearly stressed, but I just don’t know how to
handle it. She said “you know, it’s not my fault you live so far away and chose
to marry someone who’s from so far away too.” I honestly think my mom forgets
she left NYC. It’s as if she expected me to move a few houses away, marry
someone local, and live next door to her my entire life.
It
feels good to let out that rant, but I’m also looking for suggestions or advice
on dealing with this distance drama. I don’t plan on EVER living closer than I
do right now. My fiancé and I have discussed moving to NC or TX in the next
two-three years. My mom is so wrapped up in fighting me about the distance, I feel
she can’t move past it and enjoy planning with wedding with me. I was hoping
planning a wedding would help fix my relationship with my mother and allow us
to bond, but it seems to be further accentuating the fact that we disagree on everything.