Ok, this is mostly long and rambly and about my feelings. So y'all can skip it or not skip it or whatever.
So FI and I have been together almost 10 years (in July), we've talked about kids. A lot. I want a kid or two. For sure. I like kids. Hell I like kids more then grow-ups most days. But pregnancy never appealed much to me. Tiny human living inside me is freaky. FI feels differently. She would like to experience a tiny human living inside of her. Cool beans. Nice part about lesbianism, we get to pick who does the carrying of the baby bit.
So 10 years, that's been a lot of time to discuss logistics of knocking her up. We thought about IVF for a long time until we found out what it would cost, and how much work it really is. The idea was my eggs, her uterus, donor sperm. So then we figured the old fashioned plan, a sperm bank and a doctor's office. But then, I really wanted our potential offspring to know their bio-dad. At least be able to answer questions when they were older. I grew up with an odd ball family. So I'm all about more then 2 parents and non-traditional parenting. Which is how we came up with our eventual plan, a known donor and a syringe at home. Maybe a doctor's office if we needed it.
We've gone as far as to narrow down our donor, my best friend since childhood. He's totally willing to be a "part-time dad" as he calls it and thinks we'll be great moms. And yeah, it'll be weird family we'll have but who cares? We'll love the kidlet. That's what matters. But we were waiting until, I dunno until we finally got married I guess. So I've known that sometime after the wedding we'll officially start TTCing.
Today FI and I are texting and we get on the topic of babies and ovulation or something and she tells me she's downloaded an app to keep track of her cycles so she'll know when she's ovulating post-wedding and we can start TTCing right away. Like she wants to start as soon she ovulates after the wedding.
So, my brain knew this information. But didn't really process it you know. Because now that she's keeping track it feels all official and that it could happen really soon. And I'm kind of freaking a little. Yes, I want this. I want a child. But, wow, it feels so...fixed now? Or like it's for sure going to happen. It's not this distance of course some day thing anymore. There's a plan. And I don't know how I feel about this.
I'm not upset really. Or panicking. But I'm not exactly excited about it either. I'm just...I dunno what I am. And it feels so weird. Even the fact that we're planning. My parents didn't plan having kids. My god I'm the result of too much tequila and crappy health services condoms. We're planning to bring this tiny person into the world. It's exciting I think. But weird. That's just how I'm feeling I guess. Weird.
Like I said, long and rambley. But I'm home alone and need to talk to someone but don't want to pull people who know us IRL into this. So I'm making a long post you all may or may not read just to get out my feelings on my weird feeling...