Wedding Weekend etiquette

shauniewalker · May 2014

My FI and I will be having our wedding over a weekend in the Hamptons. Would it be appropriate to ask our guests (about 50) to pay a small amount ($50 - $75) to reserve their rooms? If so, do I mention that on my save the dates or invitations...and how do I word it? My reasoning is that if we were getting married at another destination location, they'd be paying much more than that for a weekend; plus it will confirm who's coming and how many we have to plan for.

ashleyep · May 2014

Have you reserved a block of rooms? Or are you talking about a B&B or something? You can't make them give *you* money for accomodations you booked, but if it's a hotel block you just pass that information along.

grumbledore · May 2014

Knottie5458811 said:

My FI and I will be having our wedding over a weekend in the Hamptons. Would it be appropriate to ask our guests (about 50) to pay a small amount ($50 - $75) to reserve their rooms? If so, do I mention that on my save the dates or invitations...and how do I word it? My reasoning is that if we were getting married at another destination location, they'd be paying much more than that for a weekend; plus it will confirm who's coming and how many we have to plan for.

If they can call up the hotel and book a room at this price, it's fine to let them know that.

If you rented a place hoping people would chip in, then I don't think it's okay to ask them to pay.

shauniewalker · May 2014

It's a rented mansion

Maggie0829 · May 2014

Knottie5458811 said:

My FI and I will be having our wedding over a weekend in the Hamptons. Would it be appropriate to ask our guests (about 50) to pay a small amount ($50 - $75) to reserve their rooms? If so, do I mention that on my save the dates or invitations...and how do I word it? My reasoning is that if we were getting married at another destination location, they'd be paying much more than that for a weekend; plus it will confirm who's coming and how many we have to plan for.

Agree with PP. There should be no money being exchanged between you and your guests for their accommodations. They should work directly with the hotel or the B&B.

So are you getting married and having your reception at this location? If so then you need to be prepared to pay for the entire location and not depend on your guests to help fund your space. If they do decide to stay on location then they should deal with the location when booking their lodging, not you.

Also, you should plan for 100% attendance and not rely on who does and does not stay at your location.

sarawifenow · May 2014

Knottie5458811 said:

It's a rented mansion

SITDB

Yes, then this would be inappropriate to ask them to chip in. They are guests and shouldn't have to open their wallets to attend your wedding.

ashleyep · May 2014

I would imagine that finding a hotel on the hamptons isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. You can spread via word of mouth that you have this mansion and people can stay there and pitch in if they want. But you need to make sure you're in a position to pay for whatever your guests don't.

We went to a wedding on Cape Cod a month ago or so - lots of B&Bs, not a whole lot of hotels. The couple rented a few houses for friends and family. We ended up staying at a hotel we found, but I would have offered to pitch in if we had stayed at one of the houses.

mysticl · May 2014

Knottie5458811 said:

My FI and I will be having our wedding over a weekend in the Hamptons. Would it be appropriate to ask our guests (about 50) to pay a small amount ($50 - $75) to reserve their rooms? If so, do I mention that on my save the dates or invitations...and how do I word it? My reasoning is that if we were getting married at another destination location, they'd be paying much more than that for a weekend; plus it will confirm who's coming and how many we have to plan for.

The RSVPs will confirm who's coming and how many you have to plan for. People may not want to stay at that location for a variety of reasons. That doesn't mean they don't plan on attending your wedding.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

You can't ask people to subsidise a choice you made for your wedding. If you want to have the wedding or reception there, you have to be prepared to pay for the cost of it yourself.

But you can include an insert with the STDate, or a note on the wedding website, that accommodations are available at Fancy Pants Mansion by calling [number] and saying you're with the Bride-Groom Wedding.

If you can work a deal with the Mansion where they charge you a total fee for rental (say, $5,000), and you anticipate having 100 guests (so $50 per person), and they'll let other people pay portions, that would be fine, because then it's like a room block -- guests have the OPTION of staying there, but don't have to.

Also, your RSVPs are what you should use to plan for who's coming.

phira · May 2014

If the only way you can afford this venue is to have other people chip in, then you can't afford the venue.

If you can afford the venue without having other people help pay for it, and that means that you have X rooms available that'll otherwise be empty, then it would be entirely fine to spread the word that there are rooms available for $X per night if people would like to stay at the mansion with you. That way, people have the option of staying at the mansion (which would be a plus because it's the wedding venue AND it sounds like it'll be less expensive than an area hotel), but they're not required to in order for the wedding to go as planned.

Crossmyheartxoxo · May 2014

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

kgd7357 · May 2014

phira said:

If the only way you can afford this venue is to have other people chip in, then you can't afford the venue.

If you can afford the venue without having other people help pay for it, and that means that you have X rooms available that'll otherwise be empty, then it would be entirely fine to spread the word that there are rooms available for $X per night if people would like to stay at the mansion with you. That way, people have the option of staying at the mansion (which would be a plus because it's the wedding venue AND it sounds like it'll be less expensive than an area hotel), but they're not required to in order for the wedding to go as planned.

Stuck in box*

Totally agree. You can make the rooms available at x price. I don't think it's an issue if they pay you directly as long as it's an option and not required for attending the wedding. I would put this info on a wedding website and on an insert with the invite. Write something along the lines of "Please call xxx-xxx-xxxx or email xxx@xx.com for availability."

CMGragain · May 2014

Oh, no! Asking guests to subsidize your wedding venue is just tacky, awful,,ick! YOU pay for your wedding venue.

ashleyep · May 2014

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

It's not about guests expecting a free room. But you can't make your guests stay at a certain hotel or location and pay you to do so.

Crossmyheartxoxo · May 2014

ashleyep said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

It's not about guests expecting a free room. But you can't make your guests stay at a certain hotel or location and pay you to do so.

yes you can

aurianna · May 2014

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

ashleyep said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

It's not about guests expecting a free room. But you can't make your guests stay at a certain hotel or location and pay you to do so unless you want to be a crappy host and an over-entitled bride.

yes you can

There. I fixed it for her. More clear @Crossmyheartxoxo ?

KatWAG · May 2014

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

ashleyep said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free
It's not about guests expecting a free room. But you can't make your guests stay at a certain hotel or location and pay you to do so.

yes you can

(SITB)

How can you force people to stay at a certain hotel?

JellyBean52513 · May 2014

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

ashleyep said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

It's not about guests expecting a free room. But you can't make your guests stay at a certain hotel or location and pay you to do so.

yes you can

Please tell me how you can force people to do something. I mean, obviously you can hold a gun to their head. Is that your plan?

[Deleted User] · May 2014

dammit! I was so excited that first many posts directly after it completely ignored crossmyheart and her terrible, terrible typing skills. Then someone went and gave her credit for speaking. We need to stop doing that.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

Yeah, let's not feed trolls. They gorge themselves on our displeasure!

aurianna · May 2014

But it helps my diet if I'm feeding something besides myself.

tcnoble · May 2014

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

Is this one of those brain tests where if you can read the words with mixed up letters you are really smart or something??

Simply Fated · May 2014

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

ashleyep said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

It's not about guests expecting a free room. But you can't make your guests stay at a certain hotel or location and pay you to do so.

yes you can

No. You can't make someone else do anything they don't want to do.

grumbledore · May 2014

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

Bingo!

(Edited for clarity. I do not agree with this troglodyte.)

Maggie0829 · May 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

ashleyep said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

It's not about guests expecting a free room. But you can't make your guests stay at a certain hotel or location and pay you to do so.

yes you can

Please tell me how you can force people to do something. I mean, obviously you can hold a gun to their head. Is that your plan?

Of course it is. Also her guests will be decked out in duct tape on their wrists and over their mouths so that their screams of kidnapping and robbery (she of course will be stealing all of their money because she deserves compensation for "hosting" them) won't be heard.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

Knottie5458811 said:

It's a rented mansion

Our reception is also in a restored mansion that is now a B&B and FI and I had to rent the entire place, including all of the rooms, for the night. If guests do not book a certain number of rooms, we will be responsible for the cost of those rooms, and we have budgeted accordingly.

All we did was list the mansion as a hotel option on our wedding website and we'll let ppl book rooms, or not, as they choose.

sofakingmad · May 2014

I have a lot of feelings about this and they are not all etiquette approved.

On one hand, you should not have booked a place for your wedding expecting guests to pay for it.

On the other hand, $50-75 for a weekend in the Hamptons sounds like a really good deal and I would totally take advantage of that if I was one of your guests.

However, you can't force anyone to stay there and what I think you need to do is either get a block of hotel rooms or recommend a hotel that is nearby and then possibly give the option for people to use a room at the mansion at the cheaper rate.

I know that's not proper etiquette, but I do think that it's a good deal for your guests, which is in their favor.

For my wedding, I thought about renting a huge beach house to have our ceremony and reception at down in St. Thomas and it had like 10 bedrooms in it and this same thought crossed my mind. In the end, I just couldn't ask my guests to pay for my wedding venue. So we nixed that idea and held the wedding at a different location.

photokitty · May 2014

How big is this mansion that it can sleep 50 people?? Holy billionaires!! Or did you mean you have 50 guests total but not all could stay there?

I'd rather pay the extra to have my own hotel room with a private bathroom. So unless each room has an en suite, you might just want to offer to invite your VIPs stay there. I wouldn't be as opposed to staying with my family in close quarters and would expect to pay something for the accommodations.

syoun1nj · May 2014

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

You should not be on this board. You do not understand etiquette.

offensivekitten2 · May 2014

Nothing's classier than really tacky shit done in a nice place, amirite? Oh, and no worries, demanding cash from peeps toooooooootally won't make them cut down their gifts. Nuh uh, not at all.

beethery · May 2014

tcnoble said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

youu can make them pitch in moost people are used to tat nowadays. besides i am sure that the hampotns atre pricy so they shouldtn expect everyying to be free

Is this one of those brain tests where if you can read the words with mixed up letters you are really smart or something??

Wedding Weekend etiquette

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