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Clueless when it comes to weddings!

jenndeirdrejenndeirdre member
5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My wedding will not be til sept '15 but my boyfriend wants a bunch of the details done now really, he's dealing with the big things though. I'm extremely shy with a lot if anxiety (starting counselling next week again just for the wedding). But I feel like I have a ton of questions, some stupid too lol. I haven't been to many weddings so I only know so much, but would it be weird not to do the type of things they do to get the bride and groom to kiss like paying money, sing a song, click glasses.? Or not to have a first dance, I also do not want a father/daughter dance and haven't decided if my father will walk with me down the aisle yet but that's just because I've only known him for the last ten years. Also, can the groom do all the talking for speeches? That is already worrying me, I'm over the idea of being watched but generally when I public speak, nothing comes out of my mouth, embarrassing :( I'm sure it sounds like I shouldn't even be having a wedding lol a big part of me always wanted justice of the peace but this means a lot to my boyfriend, his family, my son and I'm it will when my daughter is a bit older, so I've decided to try to find the ways to make it as relaxed on me.
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Re: Clueless when it comes to weddings!

  • mellowmarshmallowmellowmarshmallow member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014

    Deep breath and congratulations on your engagement! I also sought treatment for anxiety in advance of my wedding. Even with my anxiety issues, it was an amazing day.

    Most of the things you mention are traditions, not etiquette issues, so that's good. As traditions, you are free to change or eliminate them without being rude to your guests. I did not do a father-daughter dance for reasons that don't matter to this post. DH and I did a first dance, but I picked a short song. You might also consider dancing for 30-60 seconds then gave your DJ invite the other guests to join you so you are not the only ones out there.

    As for speaking, I think it would be fine to have your H do it on behalf of both of you.

    Maybe it's the anti-PDA grinch in me, but I hate the clink glasses, ring bells, sing a song, etc to make the couple kiss. thankfully, no one did that for us. If someone tries to start that and your reception, I would ignore them or politely shake my head no and go back to what I was doing. Hopefully people will get it.

    Good luck with everything and just remember that all the compromises you need to make for a successful marriage start during wedding planning. Communicate your wants and needs to your partner and you will hopefully find a common ground where you can both enjoy the wedding day!

    Wheaton's Law: Don't be a dick.
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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Marshmallow is wise. The only thing I have to add is this: you shouldn't really be giving a speech. What you (or your future husband) should be doing is giving a toast to thank everyone for coming. It shouldn't be more than a minute long, 30 seconds if possible. If you don't want to speak, you certainly can ask your fiance to do it for you. However, it would be nice to your guests if you took the microphone long enough to thank them all for coming.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In addition to the above...

    Go ahead and get the "big things" out of the way now, and don't worry about the rest yet. The Knot has a really, really helpful checklist. (You can delete anything you know you don't want/need and really personalize it.)  My FI and I have a total 18 month engagement (3 left!); we got the venue (all-inclusive), DJ, Photog, and Officiant out of the way within 3 months of getting engaged.  That gave plenty of time to ponder- or ignore for awhile- everything else.  

    It's your wedding, meaning  you and your FI don't have to do a damn thing you don't want to do (so long as you follow etiquette and treat everyone well).  By this I mean, just because something is tradition doesn't mean you have to do it. All you have to do is say I Do (and give your guests sustenance and a place to sit). 

    Seriously, keep lurking on the boards and you'll see all kinds of unique weddings that guests will remember fondly. 


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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I also don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.  He's raised me from birth and is a great guy, I just don't need to be walked or 'given away.'  My FH and I will walk each other down the aisle.  We won't have a first dance or a father/daughter dance because we don't dance.  We'll probably have some Frank Sinatra/ Ella Fitzgerald music playing during food and afterwards, but no dance floor.  It'll be a summer afternoon wedding so we'll play outdoor lawn games and just sit around talking and eating delicious food.

    Ask questions here.  Lurk and ask a lot of questions.  While it's a good idea to find a list of things to do, take those lists with a grain of salt as everything offered by The Knot and other websites will have lots of Wedding Industry Garbage included.  For example, you can wear whatever you want, it doesn't have to be a Wedding Dress from a Wedding Boutique for which you pay thousands of dollars.  It can be a lovely dress (or pants, hell) in any color from any store or from your closet.

    Congrats on your engagement!  Stick around!
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    jenndeirdre said:
    My wedding will not be til sept '15 but my boyfriend wants a bunch of the details done now really, he's dealing with the big things though. I'm extremely shy with a lot if anxiety (starting counselling next week again just for the wedding). But I feel like I have a ton of questions, some stupid too lol. I haven't been to many weddings so I only know so much, but would it be weird not to do the type of things they do to get the bride and groom to kiss like paying money, sing a song, click glasses.? Or not to have a first dance, I also do not want a father/daughter dance and haven't decided if my father will walk with me down the aisle yet but that's just because I've only known him for the last ten years. Also, can the groom do all the talking for speeches? That is already worrying me, I'm over the idea of being watched but generally when I public speak, nothing comes out of my mouth, embarrassing :( I'm sure it sounds like I shouldn't even be having a wedding lol a big part of me always wanted justice of the peace but this means a lot to my boyfriend, his family, my son and I'm it will when my daughter is a bit older, so I've decided to try to find the ways to make it as relaxed on me.
    OP, if all you do at your wedding is to look shy, whisper "I do." and say "Thank you for coming" to your guests, then you will be a very traditional bride!  In modern times we forget that brides are supposed to be shy, quiet and happy!
    Dancing is not required at all for a wedding.  You can save a lot of money if you skip it entirely.
    Speeches - the fewer, the better.
    To have a wedding, you need a couple, an officiant, a license, and legal witnesses.  Yes, courthouse weddings are very real!
    It sounds like your FI and his family are the driving force in your wedding plans.  You need to communicate your needs and feelings to your FI, and to understand what HE wants as far as wedding plans are concerned.  If dancing isn't important to him, you don't need to have it.  Traditions like bouquet tossing, garter tossing (ick!), cake feeding, are not required, either.  All that is important is that you are legally married, and then offer your thanks and food and drink to your guests.  Cake and punch in the afternoon is perfectly proper. 
    In other words, IT'S YOUR WEDDING!  You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    jenndeirdre said:
    My wedding will not be til sept '15 but my boyfriend wants a bunch of the details done now really, he's dealing with the big things though. I'm extremely shy with a lot if anxiety (starting counselling next week again just for the wedding). But I feel like I have a ton of questions, some stupid too lol. I haven't been to many weddings so I only know so much, but would it be weird not to do the type of things they do to get the bride and groom to kiss like paying money, sing a song, click glasses.? Or not to have a first dance, I also do not want a father/daughter dance and haven't decided if my father will walk with me down the aisle yet but that's just because I've only known him for the last ten years. Also, can the groom do all the talking for speeches? That is already worrying me, I'm over the idea of being watched but generally when I public speak, nothing comes out of my mouth, embarrassing :( I'm sure it sounds like I shouldn't even be having a wedding lol a big part of me always wanted justice of the peace but this means a lot to my boyfriend, his family, my son and I'm it will when my daughter is a bit older, so I've decided to try to find the ways to make it as relaxed on me.
    wait...you refer to your SO as boyfriend? Are you engaged or not? If not, then why are you worried about planning a wedding?
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  • FiancBFiancB member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    OP, you're on the right track. Etiquette is pretty common sense, as long as your guests are comfortable and well hosted and feel appreciated, everything else is up to you, so most of what you said is not an etiquette issue but tradition and personal taste. If giving a TY speech is too terrifying, I would stand next to your groom while he delivers most of it. 
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    AprilH81 said:
    CMGragain said:
    jenndeirdre said:
    My wedding will not be til sept '15 but my boyfriend wants a bunch of the details done now really, he's dealing with the big things though. I'm extremely shy with a lot if anxiety (starting counselling next week again just for the wedding). But I feel like I have a ton of questions, some stupid too lol. I haven't been to many weddings so I only know so much, but would it be weird not to do the type of things they do to get the bride and groom to kiss like paying money, sing a song, click glasses.? Or not to have a first dance, I also do not want a father/daughter dance and haven't decided if my father will walk with me down the aisle yet but that's just because I've only known him for the last ten years. Also, can the groom do all the talking for speeches? That is already worrying me, I'm over the idea of being watched but generally when I public speak, nothing comes out of my mouth, embarrassing :( I'm sure it sounds like I shouldn't even be having a wedding lol a big part of me always wanted justice of the peace but this means a lot to my boyfriend, his family, my son and I'm it will when my daughter is a bit older, so I've decided to try to find the ways to make it as relaxed on me.
    OP, if all you do at your wedding is to look shy, whisper "I do." and say "Thank you for coming" to your guests, then you will be a very traditional bride!  In modern times we forget that brides are supposed to be shy, quiet and happy!
    Dancing is not required at all for a wedding.  You can save a lot of money if you skip it entirely.
    Speeches - the fewer, the better.
    To have a wedding, you need a couple, an officiant, a license, and legal witnesses.  Yes, courthouse weddings are very real!
    It sounds like your FI and his family are the driving force in your wedding plans.  You need to communicate your needs and feelings to your FI, and to understand what HE wants as far as wedding plans are concerned.  If dancing isn't important to him, you don't need to have it.  Traditions like bouquet tossing, garter tossing (ick!), cake feeding, are not required, either.  All that is important is that you are legally married, and then offer your thanks and food and drink to your guests.  Cake and punch in the afternoon is perfectly proper. 
    In other words, IT'S YOUR WEDDING!  You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
    Say what?!?

    I get "happy" but since when are brides "supposed to be" shy and quiet?  It is fine if that is your normal personality but being outgoing is not a personality flaw that brides (or anyone else) should be ashamed of.  This isn't the 1940's anymore.
    So much this^^^

    I'm not shy and quiet on any other day why the hell should I pretend to be on my wedding day?

    OP - As long as you make sure you host your guests well you are free to skip any traditions that make you uncomfortable!


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  • Marzipan13Marzipan13 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    severmilli12 said:
    jenndeirdre said:
    My wedding will not be til sept '15 but my boyfriend wants a bunch of the details done now really, he's dealing with the big things though. I'm extremely shy with a lot if anxiety (starting counselling next week again just for the wedding). But I feel like I have a ton of questions, some stupid too lol. I haven't been to many weddings so I only know so much, but would it be weird not to do the type of things they do to get the bride and groom to kiss like paying money, sing a song, click glasses.? Or not to have a first dance, I also do not want a father/daughter dance and haven't decided if my father will walk with me down the aisle yet but that's just because I've only known him for the last ten years. Also, can the groom do all the talking for speeches? That is already worrying me, I'm over the idea of being watched but generally when I public speak, nothing comes out of my mouth, embarrassing :( I'm sure it sounds like I shouldn't even be having a wedding lol a big part of me always wanted justice of the peace but this means a lot to my boyfriend, his family, my son and I'm it will when my daughter is a bit older, so I've decided to try to find the ways to make it as relaxed on me.
    wait...you refer to your SO as boyfriend? Are you engaged or not? If not, then why are you worried about planning a wedding?
    Wondering the same thing here...  can you clarify, @jenndeirdre?
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  • jenndeirdrejenndeirdre member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Lol we are engaged, I just don't like the word fiancé just sounds odd to me. Plus old habits are hard to break.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    jenndeirdre said:
    Lol we are engaged, I just don't like the word fiancé just sounds odd to me. Plus old habits are hard to break.
    I got engaged about two months ago. It took me a while to call him my fiance. I had a break through when I was standing in line in a restaurant waiting for the bathroom. I was chatting with some woman, mentioned FI and then realized afterwards I had called him BF. It was my illustrious turning point. 
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  • jenndeirdrejenndeirdre member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Thank you to all who responded, I'm just trying to read lots to gain my own thoughts of how I want things and to make things comfortable for all involved. I've got 15 months and will be asking lots and following lots, tomorrow I'll be going to a bridal shower so I'm hoping to learn more from that too! I always thought I'd do the justice of peace wedding style but apparently I'm the only one who likes $100 I do and be on your way!
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Well, I am definitely NOT shy and quiet, but this was the Victorian ideal.  I still have a difficult time with the idea that brides should be "sexy".  I just thought that the OP would like to know that her shyness is not a problem at her wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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