Can I uninvite my FMIL to a dress fitting?

Re: Can I uninvite my FMIL to a dress fitting?

• OliveOilsMom member

  

  May 2014

  Kpme said:

  I have a lovingly annoying mother-in-law. We get along great, but she's got a number of quirks that make you not necessarily want to spend buckets of time with her. She rambles, she brings it all back to her, she's not the most sensitive.... Things associated with my dress have been the most stressful part of my wedding. I love my dress, but I hated shopping, feel self conscious about my body, and most wedding meltdowns are dress-related. I am using a local seamstress, and have my second fitting coming up. I'm a bit worried about whether the bustle is going to come out right, so I have asked a trusted friend to come. I considered asking FMIL, but know she will annoy the piss out of me at a stressful time, she has terrible taste anyway, and I'm sensitive to the fact that my own mother who is out of state can't be there. I contemplated including FMIL for about 42 seconds before deciding I would rather stab my own eyes out. I recommended my FMIL call my seamstress for alterations for her own dress. In making the appointment for FMIL, seamstress realized she was booking on the Monday after my second fitting and just suggested she just come along on my second fitting appointment! WTF! If I had wanted her there I would have invited her! I cannot believe that she would have suggested such a thing without more sensitivity! What to do, ladies? I think FMIL realized that I was not overjoyed at this turn of events. Am I forced to suck this up? Is there anyway to gracefully undo this without offending FMIL? Can I just come clean to FMIL that the dress is a big source of stress and I'd rather stick with my original plan? Can I read seamstress the riot act without having her wreck my dress?

  First, stop stressing about your dress, I am sure you will look gorgeous in it!

  
  

  Second, if you think FMIL will stress you out.  Then don't have her come.  Does she know what your dress looks like? If its a no, tell her the little white lie that you want your dress to be a surprise to everyone. The only reason your friend is coming, is so that she knows how to bustle it.  If she has seen your dress, then tell her you are sorry that the seamstress misspoke about her coming to the appointment, but you want to keep it private.  No need to tell her why you want to keep it private, just tell her that is what you prefer.

  
  

  As for the seamstress, she probably did not realize the stress that your FMIL can put on you.  She probably thought she was doing something good.  I would just let her faux pas pass.  But I would probably ask her to keep any future appointments between you and her only.

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  May 2014

  I'd be willing to give the seamstress the benefit of the doubt that she thought her suggestion was convenient for you and your FMIL and didn't know that it's not.
  
  So I'd tell your FMIL, "FMIL, I'm sorry, but I'd really prefer to keep my dress fitting appointment private.  The seamstress wasn't aware of that and I didn't want to embarrass her.  So I'd really appreciate going to the appointment on my own."
  
  Then tell the seamstress, "I realize you meant well, but I'd prefer to keep future appointments private.  Please keep them confidential."
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  May 2014

  Ditto PPs. You didn't invite FMIL, so you're not uninviting her.
  
  Just tell her you'd rather have it be private (I love OliveOil's suggestion of telling her you want the dress to be a surprise; if you use that angle, do.)
  
  And ditto Jenn about telling the seamstress that in future, you want the appointments to be confidential and not shared with anyone connected to the wedding.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Kpme member

  

  May 2014

  Hmm....well I appreciate the insights. I wish it had occurred to me to nix it in the moment, but I was really caught off guard and now I think she is really excited about coming. (I don't think it would occur to her that I might not want her there, and she has only sons.). So now I'll have to decide whether I make a bold leap and tell her I want to go solo. She has already seen the dress on the hanger, and she knows I was bringing a friend, because in my panic I said something like, "well, it's going to be a crowd because I already invited so-and-so." I should be allowed to say the seamstress made a gaffe here....I just hate having been put in this position! Wedding planning is stressful enough, I don't need more! Tx!

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  May 2014

  Kpme said:

  Hmm....well I appreciate the insights. I wish it had occurred to me to nix it in the moment, but I was really caught off guard and now I think she is really excited about coming. (I don't think it would occur to her that I might not want her there, and she has only sons.). So now I'll have to decide whether I make a bold leap and tell her I want to go solo. She has already seen the dress on the hanger, and she knows I was bringing a friend, because in my panic I said something like, "well, it's going to be a crowd because I already invited so-and-so." I should be allowed to say the seamstress made a gaffe here....I just hate having been put in this position! Wedding planning is stressful enough, I don't need more! Tx!

  Then why not have your FI step in on your behalf?  FI: "Mom, could you skip Kpme's fitting?  I know she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she was really caught off guard at you being invited to her fitting.  She didn't know what to say.  She really wanted to keep this fitting appointment small, which is why she only invited her friend."  Then depending on FMIL's response, FI can become more forceful or thankful to her.  

  
  

  Or, just change your appointment to a date/time when FMIL can't make it.

  

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• atlastmrsg member

  

  June 2014

  Yes, above.  Change the appointment date/time.  Say something's come up.  Then tell tailor to not do that again, and that you have to change the appointment because of what she did. 

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• Kpme member

  

  June 2014

  Thanks all. I decided to with OliveOils second suggestion....my FI told her that I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but that the dress had been a huge source of stress, I wanted to keep the appointment private, and I was sensitive to the fact that my own mom couldn't be there. I think her feelings are a bit dusted up, but I don't think I could have practically changed the appointment, because I think by the tailor's actions, the whole package of her alterations and mine had been bundled. I think she was most disappointed that I would not be there to "help" with her alterations, which is a whole topic for another thread (she needs my supervision at every step - shoes, bra, etc., which is beyond my time capacity and bandwidth with our wedding just 50 days away....) Anywho, thanks to you all for your observations. Hard to know when to let things slide and when to be firm that you want something associated with your wedding to be the way you want it. Glad I held the line, but I hate that I was put in the position. I will say something gentle but clear to the tailor at an appropriate moment.

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