Chit Chat

Forgiveness Equals Trust

The cheating discussion got me thinking about a discussion in a seminary class years ago. We were discussing forgiveness. The teacher and most of my classmates agreed that in order to truely forgive someone you must give them your trust again. I strongly disagree with that. In some cases I would trust them again. But let's say I ask Jane to watch my dog while I go on vacation. Jane poisons my dog while I'm away. I would probably forgive her after a while. But I'm not going to trust her to watch a dog again.

Re: Forgiveness Equals Trust

  • I agree with you.

    I have situations in my past where I was able to forgive the person, but not trust them as much as I used to. 

    For me - forgiveness =/= trust.
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  • vk2204vk2204 member
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    I 100% agree with you. You can say the same thing with cheating, too. I may forgive you, but you need to earn back my trust.
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  • I think to trust them you need to forgive them but forgiving them does not automatically mean you trust them.  

    Forgiveness means that you have moved on from the incident, are no longer dwelling on it, and won't throw it in their face again.  
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
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    I agree with you. 

    However, if this is applying to your spouse, you have to trust them in order for the relationship to work. Certainly you wouldn't ask that woman to watch you dog again and you could actively avoid her. If you intend to stay with your spouse, you'd have to forgive them and be able to give them your trust again. 

    RebeccaB88
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
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    I get where the teacher is coming from. Not trusting someone I think means you haven't moved past the issue in question as much as you'd like to believe. 
    In the dog-poisoning case, perhaps that person would have learned their lesson and you can trust they'll never do it again. 

    That being said, I have a friend that is now pretty much a former friend because I've distanced myself.  She crossed me, and others, too many times.  Did I forgive her to the point where I truly wish her the best with her life? Yes. But do I want to be friends? No, because I don't trust her to be a "real friend".  This is interesting to think about.  
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  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
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    Forgiveness does not automatically cancel the consequences of someone's actions. If a careless driver hits my car, I can forgive him but he's still going to face the legal and financial ramifications of it, and I'm left to deal with getting my car repaired or replaced. In the case of cheating, loss of trust is one of those consequences that doesn't automatically go away.

    I don't think that forgiveness means carrying on like it never happened, especially in the case of cheating. I think that's something best decided between a couple and a qualified counselor, because there's no one right answer for everyone. If my FI cheated, I could find it in my heart to forgive him, but not to go ahead and marry him after that.
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    KeptInStitches
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
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    That is so off.  Some people choose to forgive people who abused or assaulted them in the past because it can help with the healing process.  But I doubt they would ever trust that person.
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  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
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    I agree with you. The phrase is "forgive but don't forget" not "forgive and go back to the way things were"
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    RebeccaB88
  • natswildnatswild The F-f-f-rozen N-n-north (Northern Alberta) member
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    @doeydo, that is so true!  I don't know how many counselors I saw, as well as crown counsel (when they were investigating my case), told me "well, he's probably forgiven himself, you should forgive him too!  (Not even touching the trust issue...)  yeah, no, this is a great way to watch me lose my shit, big time!

  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
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    edited June 2014
    Teddy917 said:
    The cheating discussion got me thinking about a discussion in a seminary class years ago. We were discussing forgiveness. The teacher and most of my classmates agreed that in order to truely forgive someone you must give them your trust again. I strongly disagree with that. In some cases I would trust them again. But let's say I ask Jane to watch my dog while I go on vacation. Jane poisons my dog while I'm away. I would probably forgive her after a while. But I'm not going to trust her to watch a dog again.
    Jane would have to watch her ass for the rest of her life if she did that to my dog. 

    I draw a hard line on forgiving people for things, it really depends on the person and what they did.
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    VulgarGirl
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
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    Nope. My pastor actually said, in a sermon on the importance of forgiveness, that forgiving does NOT mean opening yourself up to being hurt again. You have to forgive because Jesus did, yadda yadda, but you are not required to trust that person again, just let go of the resentment.

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    KeptInStitchesRebeccaB88
  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
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    I agree, and I think that their way of thinking is dangerous to emotional health.
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