Is there anything you don't "allow" your spouse to do?

jenna8984 · July 2014

I always felt like your relationship should only add to/ enrich your life, never take from it or stop you from it. But now I'm torn. FI's best friend got a motorcycle, and now this past weekend FI's dad got one. So FI wants one and I really, really don't want him to have one. Aside from the money (he really can't afford it but he thinks he can), I just get so scared at the safety aspect. No matter how slow and safe HE is, there a million cars and trucks who are texting or not paying attention and hit motorcycles and make it very unsafe. I'm sorry that I'm getting married for the reason of being with him forever, so yea I'm going to be a little selfish and not want him to be risking his life. I don't think that's too unreasonable. He thinks that argument is ridiculous because I can "just as easily die in my car on the way to work" according to him.

I don't know. Is it my place to tell him he can't do something or is that wrong? He respects my opinion and goes along with what I say for mostly everything so I don't want to feel like I'm trampling on him but I also don't want him to get hurt. Do you guys have things that one would like to do but isn't "allowed"? (I mean recreational things that don't have to do with the relationship- don't say he's not allowed to bang his secretary lol)

Angusaur · July 2014

Ehh, it's kind of a gray area. I do think it's never our place to tell our s/o what they "can" and "can't" do except maybe for major deal breakers. But that said, I do think any healthy relationship will compromise. I used to want a motorcycle, FI had the same exact concerns as you. After talking about it, I see that he has reasonable concerns, and honestly it's not worth the risk to me being a (almost) wife and mom. (Plus how often will I really be able to ride it?)

Also this could be more important to him than it was to me, so it might be worth just taking a little to consider it. Honestly there are a lot of bikers who ride for 40+ years (like my in laws) and never get in an accident. They really enjoy their bikes, it has given them a lot of happy memories over the years.

vk2204 · July 2014

I don't think I have ever told H I FORBID YOU, but I have straight up told him "I don't want you to do that" and "I will NOT be happy if you do that". I honestly cannot remember what those situations were, but he respected my feelings enough to listen.

H used to have a bike when we were first dating that he never rode because after he got it he started a new job and had no free time. Recently he talked about getting another one and I said "I don't think so". And he just laughed off the idea. I will always tell him my initial reaction (and vice versa) and if either of us really want to change the other persons mind we do our research and bring it up at a later time.

OH, I remember something, H used to smoke when we first started dating and I told him that if he wants to continue to date me he needs to stop smoking; major deal breaker for me. He has been smoke free for 9 years now

climbingsingle · July 2014

No. There isn't anything I forbid my FI from doing.

I have a motorcycle, as do my dad and brother. I don't ride too much anymore, though my dad and brother do often. Coming from a motorcycle family, it's obviously not something I would try to stop FI from doing. He has his motorcycle license but doesn't currently have a bike now.

emmaaa · July 2014

Like other PPs have mentioned, I have never forbade him from doing something he wanted, but I always let him know if I would rather him not. Being in a relationship is about mutual respect and my FI respects me enough to when not to do something that would upset me. Just like I respect him enough to not get royally pissed when he does something fairly innocent I didn't want him to.

On the note of motorcycles: FI wants/wanted one. I was originally all for the idea. Well, FI's dad has rode motorcycles for years (like 30 years) and 3 years ago he got hit by a deer...while on the bike! He was lucky that nothing too terrible happened. That scared FMIL from riding at night again. Well this time last year, FMIL and FMIL were on their way to the beach when their front tire blew out. They were on an interstate and obviously going between 70 and 75 mph. The bike went out of control and both FMIL and FFIL were hurt really bad. Honestly, they are just lucky they didn't die. FFIL's chin was sliced open (looked like he had a second mouth) and FMIL's cheekbone was shattered. I told FI that day that I never wanted him to get a motorcycle. FMIL refuse to ride again but FFIL loves it too much to stop.

There is a saying about motorcycle riders: Either you have had to lay a bike down, or you're waiting to.

RebeccaFlower · July 2014

While I've never said H can't do anything, I think if the concern is big enough, each spouse should take the others thoughts into consideration. I would NOT be happy if H got a motorcycle and he would NOT be happy if I got tattoos. Luckily for us, neither of us care to actually do either of those things.

emmyg65 · July 2014

When I was considering getting a motorcycle, DH said, "I really, really don't want you to do that," because it's so dangerous. I ended up agreeing with him, but he never forbade me.

I don't believe adults can forbid other adults from doing things. You can express your opinion and hope for change, but ultimately, the other person controls their own actions. You can only control how you respond.

For example, if DH started drinking excessively and acting out, I could tell him I don't like that behavior. If he continued, I could leave him. But I can't control his behavior.

Motorcycles are dangerous, much more so than cars, and any serious rider can tell you that. As our lifelong biker friend says, "It's not a matter of if you'll get in an accident; it's a matter of when." Your FI can decide whether he's comfortable with that level of risk, but it's just plain stupid to pretend riding a bike is as safe as driving a car (where you're much more visible and encased in a shell of steel).

Jells2dot0 · July 2014

DH has contemplated getting a motorcycle and I am extremely uncomfortable with it. However, so are his kids. So, we all put our foot down.

When I asked to buy a golf cart (we live in a country club community), he said absolutely not!! He believes it to be a waste, even if I was the one paying for it. So, I said "fine. No golf cart? Then no motorcycle!" we agreed that was fair.

cupcait927 · July 2014

FI will be getting a motorcycle. I'm not a fan of them and I don't ever plan on riding on one but he's grown up with them. Both of his parents have motorcycles and he's been riding with them since he was a little kid. It's just one of those things that I've had to let go and let me him do if he wants to. He knows my reservations and understands my feelings and that's really all I can expect.

Now, the one thing I really do not want in my house are guns. FFIL has a couple of guns and FI keeps mentioning that he wants to get one some day but I am still very firmly against it. I respect the rights of gun owners and don't think they should be taken away, I just don't want a gun in my house. Luckily for now, FI's want for a gun is very fleeting but I have a feeling this will be a much more serious discussion down the road.

There's really nothing else though that FI or I forbid the other from doing/purchasing.

KeptInStitches · July 2014

FI knows I'm not comfortable with him flying (he had his private pilot's license at one point, but I lost a good friend in a small plane crash). Right now, thankfully, finances keep him firmly grounded.

pinkcow13 · July 2014

Years ago FI wanted to go skydiving. This was when I was terrified at the idea, so his mom and I bribed him with a PS2. Then a few years later I ended up going skydiving lol. FI did too a couple of years ago.

For the most part, if I'm not comfortable with something I'll express it, and vice versa. I know he was thinking of getting a pilots license after I got him a pilot lesson one birthday (most terrifying experience of my life being in the back of that plane), but he knows I am adamantly against it. There are definitely things that I am not comfortable with him doing, or purchasing. I also would not want him to get a motorcycle.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

I've never said, "you cannot do this or else". But I have said "I don't feel good about your doing that" or "I'm not comfortable with that - can we talk about it?" Then we try to get on the same page if we weren't before.

I'm not comfortable with motorcycles either. I have no doubt H would be safe, but it's the uncontrollable crazies on the road I don't trust. I kind of joke with him that if he decides to do any of the dangerous things he talks about (motorcycles, skydiving, cliff jumping, etc.) that we double check that I'm his life insurance beneficiary and he needs to do it all before we have kids. har har - except I'm a little bit serious.

larrygaga · July 2014

FI is a sort of daredevil, and most of the time his stunts don't bother me that much. I have told him he is not allowed to do back flips off 30 foot cliffs into water and other pretty extreme things.

I am kind of like that too, although I'm not as dumb about it as he is.

beethery · July 2014

FI has a motorcycle, but he's selling it. He'll get another one eventually. Actually, the first time we hung out solo was on that bike, and it overheated, then burned out the starter solenoid, and we got drunk while we waited for his friend to come pick us up from the beach. I hate that bike, but it worked out well for us.

As far as guns go, we have quite a few. He hunts (I hate it, but whatever. If he likes it and he hunts like a good sportsman instead of doing dumb shit, idc. I just don't want to see any sad animal faces), and I used to be a pretty avid marksmanship training shooter. I don't really do it anymore, but every now and again my dad and I do target practice at his house. We keep our bigger guns in a gun safe, and the only one that is out is in the nightstand. There have been break-ins and occasional drug busts out by us lately, plus FI works a lot of nights, so he wants to make sure I'm prepared and safe.

FI is not allowed to let the cats out. They are indoor only, and we had a big discussion after we got them that settled the issue.

He would say he's not allowed to buy any more 'toys' until he repairs and sells off all the ones he has now that don't work. I told him, it's his money and he can do what he wants, but he knows I will side-eye and be annoyed as hell about it. He's got a non-functional snowmobile, a motorcycle with electrical problems, an ATV with no engine, and an ATV in pieces. He knows what he needs to do lol

God that got wordy.

jenajjthr · July 2014

I have 5 tattoos and will be getting my 6th before the end of the year. I asked DH, what would be his "limit" since I've pretty much fallen in love with my tattoos and do want a lot more. His told me his "magic" number was 100, but I think that was more a joke than anything really serious. His real limitation though was nothing on the face or neck, and preferably nothing on the hands. That is something I can agree to and think is a fair compromise, especially considering I'm a teacher, lol.

We don't forbid each other from doing anything, other than the sleeping with other people thing, but we do talk about what would make us extremely uncomfortable. If it is something really important to one of us, we try to work out a compromise.

wandajune6 · July 2014

Most of the men in FI's life have bikes. I think he's more interested in fixing and flipping one than driving it. I'd be upset if he bought one to ride though.

We don't forbid things in our relationship though we have an agreement that no one spends more than $100 without discussing it first (with the exception of bills, everyday expenses, etc.). Talking through expenditures helps with some of those conversations.

That said, there's one thing that FI's not allowed to do: buy cigarettes. I didn't realize until late in our 3rd date that he smoked - and I don't date smokers. He quit for me but has had a rough time of it. He'll bum cigarettes when he's around smokers (fortunately, he doesn't know that many) and can make a cigarette last 2 weeks by taking a quick puff at night before bed. I wish he'd quit completely but am so proud that he's done as well as he has.

shaylagirl · July 2014

DH -came- with a motorcycle when we met.
I came with horses when we met.

I was nervous about the bike for a while, until I started riding with him, talking to him about it, the group he rides with, and realized, he's a damn good rider with literally decades of experience on a bike. He did the same thing with my horses (I lack decades of experience, I've only got about 7-8 years of ownership).

I think it's exploring -WHY- something is so important to our partner, and WHY they want to do/experience something.

I've never forbidden him from doing something (like his "Boys only" motorcycle trips), but I -DO- let him know when I'm unhappy about it. And, if my reasoning is sound and rational, he takes it in to consideration and will either alter his plans or not, depending on the situation.

I'm not his mom, and I don't own or control him, so I can't picture myself ever "forbidding" him from doing something that means so much to him. But, I do expect him to take my fears and concerns in to consideration and explain to me WHY he's doing something if I've told him I'm worried about it.

beachyone15 · July 2014

Man, we must be a boring couple. Neither of us has any desire to ride motorcycles, skydive, smoke, get a tattoo or keep guns.

FI does speed sometimes if he's running late for work and I tell him not to do it (bc I'm selfish and I need him)

Simky906 · July 2014

I don't allow FI to wear jorts; does that count?

In all seriousness though, I've never forbidden him from doing anything. If something comes up that one of us is uncomfortable with then we discuss it and both present our sides and how it makes us feel. But as far as actual serious concerns, I think that has only come up one time in the almost six years we've been together.

Most of our discussions are around the space limitations of our apartment and involved us coming up with rules that we help each other stick to. For example, he cannot buy another nerd t-shirt unless he gets rid of one of the sixty-two he already owns and I cannot buy another pair of shoes until I get rid of one of the forty-eight pairs I already own.

ashley8918 · July 2014

No, there is nothing he isn't allowed to do. However, I have made it be know that I would prefer he not do/I don't like x, y, and z things.

pinkshorts27 · July 2014

I just ask FI to be smart ant things. I don't forbid anything, just don't participate if I don't like it. I do talk to him if I'm uncomfortable under the assumption that he is an adult and can weigh the risks. Things I don't like: snow boating and fireworks wars. I helped FI make rules for the former and won't watch the latter.

@TwoDimes‌ FI and I are both gun enthusiasts and anyone who uses guns should have a safe and use them following the safety rules, which includes no drinking.

MrsMack10612 · July 2014

There is nothing I would forbid him to do, unless it's illegal. I know that sounds like a no brainer, but he's a home brewer and he really wants to try distilling, which is illegal. So therefore forbidding something illegal.

He considered for a while about getting a motorcycle, I told him that was fine but he had to take lessons/safety classes and I wouldn't get on it with him until he'd ridden for 2 years. I have no idea if he still wants one. My brother rides and dumped his bike last summer, he broke his leg and dislocated his shoulder. He'd been riding for 20+ years and that was his first accident. He wasn't sure he'd ever ride again. Yeah, he just bought a new bike.

H has no interest in guns, he has a tattoo and we both smoke.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

vk2204 said:

I don't think I have ever told H I FORBID YOU, but I have straight up told him "I don't want you to do that" and "I will NOT be happy if you do that". I honestly cannot remember what those situations were, but he respected my feelings enough to listen.

Exactly this.

beachyone15 said:

Man, we must be a boring couple. Neither of us has any desire to ride motorcycles, skydive, smoke, get a tattoo or keep guns.

Also exactly this.

We are pretty straight-edge people, always have been since we met in high school. Fi has made comments before about wanting a motorcycle but only in a really abstract way. I have told him I'm not comfortable with him getting a motorcycle for safety reasons but it's not like he isn't "allowed," he just knows I would hate it.

I toy with the idea of getting tattoos sometimes, and Fi really is opposed to tattoos. Not in general, I think just on me. He'll say, "but you're perfect the way you are" kind of stuff. He's never told me I can't get one, but I know he would be annoyed if I did and he wouldn't like it. I've never been really committed to the idea, just on the fence, so it's NBD.

Obviously things like cheating are "not allowed" in the sense it would probably be a deal-breaker for either one of us. Fi doesn't really like strip clubs, but has been to them when his friends want to go and I don't really care.

FutureMrsN3312 · July 2014

Now that we are married people ask me "Ask H if you're allowed to go" Ask and allow? I never did that before we were married why start now? I run things past him just to make sure he didn't make plans that I didn't know about (dinner with friends or visiting his parents) and visa versa.

H isn't into motorcycles thank god or anything else dangerous. When I've mentioned skydiving and getting a gun he let it be known that he didn't like either. I took his feelings into consideration (for now).

Inkdancer · July 2014

I made it clear that I did not approve of the Wolverine mutton chops as a full-time beard look. But that's about it.

I am not allowed to get any neck tattoos, says FI. I think that's fair, because neck tattoos are weird.

ashley8918 · July 2014

Inkdancer said:

I made it clear that I did not approve of the Wolverine mutton chops as a full-time beard look. But that's about it.

I am not allowed to get any neck tattoos, says FI. I think that's fair, because neck tattoos are weird.

Oh my god, NO!

VulgarGirl · July 2014

I can't think of anything we seriously have said "you aren't allowed to do that", usually it's something silly. Like I'm not allowed to cook without supervision (good rule), or FI isn't allowed to go to the Coach store (she's a purse snob).

As for motorcycles, I'm a biker. I got my permit at 17 and my license at 18. The first time FI was on the back of my bike she was terrified. She won't ride solo (she's been learning but is nervous) but she loves to be on the back of mine. I have wrecked and luckily nothing serious. A car cut me off and I swirved and lost control of the bike, I was wearing safety gear so I just got a little scraped up. I hate riding on freeways. Not only is it more dangerous (people really don't pay attention for motorcycles), I also end up smelling like exhaust. I never smell that bad on surface streets. I don't do tricks or show off on my bike either. And I always wear my helmet even though our state has no helmet laws.

FI has told me she doesn't want to have a gun in the house. She was held at gunpoint once and it still makes her nervous. She's around police officers with guns, and we see people wearing guns out in public all the time and it doesn't bug her. But having one in the house bothers her. So I respect her wishes and we don't own a gun. We have several cans of pepper spray though. So I guess I'm "not allowed" to have a gun. But it wasn't really like she forbid me, I got why she didn't want one and it's not a big deal to me to not have one.

suburbanstepmom · July 2014

Luckily, FI made the decision himself to not smoke ciggies in the house when he started smoking eons ago. Otherwise when we moved in together I'd of probably kindly-forbid him from smoking in the house. But because I get migraines from ciggie smoke, not because I am uber picky or anything.

Inkdancer · July 2014

ashley8918 said:

Inkdancer said:

I made it clear that I did not approve of the Wolverine mutton chops as a full-time beard look. But that's about it.

I am not allowed to get any neck tattoos, says FI. I think that's fair, because neck tattoos are weird.

Oh my god, NO!

I mean, they're hot, but they give me serious beard-burn.

ShallowSeas · July 2014

FI is not allowed to shave his beard

Just kidding. He can do what he wants with his face but I've made it very clear that I realllllllllllllllllllly prefer a beard or substantial facial hair of some sort. I was never a beard-person until I met FI.

But not a crazy long beard.

climbingsingle · July 2014

I was very anti-gun until I met FI. He has guns, kept in a locked safe. He's extremely careful with them. I'm actually considering getting my pistol permit. I'd like to have my own gun in the house for safety.

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