I Am Not Going To Change My Last Name

dragonavicious · July 2014

I love my fiancee. He has been a huge part of my life. We have been together since 8th grade and our marriage will take place on our ten year anniversary. We laugh every single day, we discuss deep topics, we act like foolish children together, and our hearts still skip a beat when we see the other. It is love and I have never ever doubted that.

However, I don't want to change my last name. At all. My last name is a part of my heritage and it is mine. I love it more then my first name which is common. I love it more then my middle name, which is identical to my sister's. I love it because it is a part of me. And he loves me so he agreed long ago that since it made me cry to even think about changing my name, it meant more for me to keep it then it meant for me to take it to him.

That being said, recently, I've noticed how often he'll make comments about me being Mrs. My Last Name - His Last Name. Or Ashleigh His-LastNAme. I will sit him down when he makes this slip and talk to him about, ask his feelings about the whole thing, his reasoning for wanting me to take his name and we move on. (He always ends with dismissing it and saying he just wants me to have his last name because it's tradition.)

We already agreed (no matter how hard it was for me) that our children would have his last name (despite the fact that his is very common and my family has only had girls so there is no one left to carry on the family name), and that I would keep mine.

I don't have a problem with our children having his (and it actually opened up a lot of naming options that would never work with my last name at all!) but now, even though he's never mean about it, I feel like it's bothering him. Maybe it's because we are getting closer to our actually marriage so it is real now.

My main thing is no resentment, which can destroy a marriage slower and more insidious then anything else, and lots of communication, but I feel like since he doesn't know why he wants me to take his last name, he can't really communicate his opinion.

So what do you think? Are there others like me out there who have had to deal with this?

themuffinman16 · July 2014

I had to deal with this. FI was terrible about my decision to take his last name. He would mention it every chance he got. I stood firm in my decision. We are two weeks away and it is non-negotiable. Every married couple he ever knew where the woman did not want to take her husband's last name, always caved at the last minute. He thought I was just going through a phase and I could be convinced with enough pressuring. Closer to the date he realized, this is one of my hills to die on, and I am not like his other friend's wives. This is something I truly believe in, and to not respect what I want to do with MY name, is to disrespect me. You are not disrespecting his name, it isn't yours unless you make it yours. If your children share his last name, I think that is a great compromise.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

I went through something similar. My H comes from a SUPER traditional family who seemed to think me keeping my last name was as perplexing as quantum physics.

My heritage is very important to me and my name reflects that. I only have a sister who changed her last name and all my cousins are female, married and all except one who hyphenated (kids have dad's last name) changed theirs. So I'm really the only one left.

We had many long conversations about this. What it boiled down to was this: I don't want to change my last name in the same way you (H) don't want to change your last name. My last name is important to me and it's clear your last name is important to you. So here we are and what do we do? Do we compromise (create a new last name or hyphenate)?

I wasn't willing to give up my name completely, but I was willing to compromise so that we'd have a family name. He wasn't willing to give up his name completely and was also not willing to compromise in any way. So I kept my last name.

The thing is, I can decide down the road if I change my mind. I can always take his name later if I want to. It's a little more expensive, but it's such an enormous decision for me that the risk of a couple hundred dollars is worth it. What I did NOT want to do was take his last name just to appease him/others and regret it later on. Even though it'd be my choice, I could see myself harboring resentment for that.. right or wrong.

This is an extremely personal choice and you're going to have to do a lot of thinking - by yourself - on it.

All that said, I think you need to set firm boundaries with him. It's obviously hurting your feelings and making you feel uncomfortable for him to put pressure on you and make these comments. If you have talked to him about that and he continues to do it, that's a serious red flag for me. He needs to be respectful of you and support your choice - and this IS your choice.

dragonavicious · July 2014

Its weird because it's like a slip of the tongue or he doesn't understand the rules. He said "So what will your name be? Miss. Your Last Name but Mrs. My Last Name?" I explained that technically, and still a lot of people would call me Mrs. His last name, because I am his wife, but my legal name would still be my own. Then he's like, oh, okay. But he seems a little sad so we talk about it. I don't think it comes from being malicious, just not completely understanding everything a legal name entails. I believe he's always just envisioned us as Mr and Mrs. Blank and I never wanted that.

Even as a kid, I didn't doodle my crushes names in notebooks to see what it would sound like. That was never me. And like I said, we've almost been together for ten years so he's had at least 6 (since we started honestly discussing marriage) to think about it.

What did you guys do when they announce you at the end of the wedding? Like when they say, Now, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. WHATEVER!

emmyg65 · July 2014

Did you ask him why he doesn't change his name? Sometimes just flipping it around like that is enough to get a guy thinking.

We both kept our last names and weren't announced at our wedding. You can also do something like, "And now, presenting for the first time as husband and wife, Dragon and Groom!" (Just use first names.)

FWIW, our kid will have both of our names hyphenated.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

Once you sit him down and talk to him about this, there shouldn't be any more "slips of the tongue". It's not like this is a habit he's had this his whole life and he's trying to break it. It's a new thing that just started doing consciously. If it's hurtful to you, he should stop. Period.

Also, there's nothing complicated for him to logically understand here. In fact it's simpler --- nothing will be different after you get married. You'll be called the exact same names you've been called your whole lives. Now, emotionally, he might have a hard time with that, but that's different from understanding the logistics, which are very simple.

Anyway, you can choose to go by his last name socially or your real last name socially - it's up to you. I need to reiterate that this is YOUR choice. He can go by whatever name he wants, and you can go by whatever name you want. You're not pressuring him to go by your name socially and he shouldn't pressure you. Whatever you end up deciding, choose one and be clear about it to family/friends. If you do go by a name other than your legal name, be prepared for confusion when completing legal paperwork, going to the doctor, signing forms, etc..

Regarding how we were announced, I'd have to look back at our transcripts and stuff (it hasn't even been a year and it was literally that much of a non-issue), but I think our officiant said "it's my pleasure to introduce HisFirstName and MyFirstName as husband and wife for the first time". Something like that.

littlemushroom · July 2014

I can understand there be a slip of the tongue about your future name. Just because he is a guy doesn't mean he didn't grow up thinking that when he gets married some day his wife would be Mrs. HisLast.

If you don't want to change your name, then don't. He agreed that you wouldn't. He is allowed to be sad or disappointed, but that doesn't mean you need to change anything about the situation. He can support your decision and be ok with it, while still being a bit disappointed.

Personally, I never understood the big deal about keeping v changing my name (outside of professional reasons). I simply could not care less either way. I told FI that what our names would be was up to him. For a long time, FI was going to take my name. Fine. Then he decided he wanted to keep his name and I would take his. Fine. He also considered combining our names into a new name. That would also have been fine.

I am still my parents' daughter whether I am NikkiJay MyLast or NikkiJay HisLast. My parents and I will still have the same great relationship we have now no matter what my name is. I didn't accomplish anything in my life because my name was NikkiJay MyLast. I have never thought that I couldn't do XYZ or had to do XYZ because of my last name. My last name doesn't define the kind of person I am. I will still be "me" no matter what name people call me. The only thing that changes with my name is the identifier people use to get my attention or to refer to me in conversation. That has always been the way I looked at the name change "issue". FWIW, I also wouldn't care if something (don't ask me what) happened that required I change my first name either (other than the fact it would take forever to realize people were talking to me when they used my new first name).

However, I can see that a lot of people do actually care about their name. People can do whatever they want. Whatever works best for you as a couple is perfectly fine. The two of you have discussed it and have agreed on a decision. That's all that matters.

KatieinBkln · July 2014

A friend of mine just went through this. Evidently she eventually sat him down and said, "I need you to be okay with this. Not just 'okay' but secretly resenting it. I need you to figure out how to wrap your head around this. Do what you have to do, and let me know if we're still having a wedding."

She's a tough lady. They had a lovely wedding in May.

dragonavicious · July 2014

I am not changing my mind on this and I don't believe anyone should ever just conform to what everyone else thinks. For me, I love my last name. I heard someone who kept theirs say that even though eventually they may not recognize their reflection in the mirror, they would always have their name and that was comforting. Maybe that's what it is, maybe I'm just stubborn, either way, I don't plan on changing it.

He has never been mean at all and it anyone insults my plans to keep my name he defends it tooth and nail. (Someone he knew said that it meant I didn't love him enough to take it and he calmly but firmly explained that it was a part of me and that just like he didn't want to change his identity, I had that right too. After nine years together no one can deny the love.)

I am just concerned about down the line. Not even the immediate future but ten years from now. Will he hate that I kept my name? Now he seems okay with it, and he's so excited about our wedding it's ridiculous, but I don't want something small like this to drive a wedge.

I'm probably over thinking it because he says he's fine with it.

sophhabobopha · July 2014

Good for you for standing firm! I really don't think it should cause problems with you and H, unless he's crazy.

I'm taking FI's name, because I love it, and kind of hate my last name. Every time I have to spell it on the phone I die inside.

emmyg65 · July 2014

It sounds like you're probably overthinking it.

MyNameIsNot · July 2014

KatieinBkln said:

A friend of mine just went through this. Evidently she eventually sat him down and said, "I need you to be okay with this. Not just 'okay' but secretly resenting it. I need you to figure out how to wrap your head around this. Do what you have to do, and let me know if we're still having a wedding."

She's a tough lady. They had a lovely wedding in May.

This. Don't discuss his feelings, but firmly tell him to get over it.

If you are going to be married, you're going to have to take him at his word when he says he's good with something. You are not going to be able to get through married life if you constantly have to second guess about whether he's harboring some resentment about some trivial decision you've made. If he has a problem, he needs to put on his big girl panties and talk to you about it.

AmaCassidy · July 2014

I'm hyphenating my surname. MySurname-HisSurname, but I plan to go mainly by my own surname. For us, it wasn't really much of a discussion. I wanted to take his surname, but I'm fairly well known in my field of work by my current surname, and I actually really like my surname. Plus my mum has changed her name every time she's been married (3 times) and after her two divorces, she's went a back to her maiden name, and that was a lot of hassle for her, and though my FI and I will have been together for almost 12 years when we get married, I'm still slightly paranoid about divorce.

So both seemed the only viable choice.

It's your choice and your choice alone, your FI just needs to deal with the fact that he won't be getting exactly what he wanted from his childhood imaginings of marriage.

As for being announced; we're planning of being announced as the Doctors MySurname-HisSurname. When my best friend got married, his wife never took his surname, and they were announced as their titles and first names; so "Doctor HisFirstName and Mrs. HerFirstName". I also attended a wedding recently where both brides kept their own surname, and we introduced simply as "the brides".

jnrsgirl · July 2014

I had a similar issue. FI is the last of the Vivian line. So while we decided to have the same last names (hyphenated); we also agreed that if we ever had a son, he would keep the Vivian last name so FI can be happy and keep the family name going.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

My FBIL's wife didn't change her name since she was raised in another country and they don't do that there. They announced them by their first names only. I agree when you say you are over thinking it-he will probably just be happy to introduce you as his wife

golden1215 · July 2014

I have two legal last names- no hyphen. I can go by either or both. It works for me, my daughter has DHs last name and I can call myself Mrs. HisLastName is I feel like it, but I can also go by my very kicka** maiden last name that has tons of heritage to it as well.

iloveotters2014 · July 2014

Have you thought about changing your middle name to his last name? Or changing your last name to your middle name? My H was fine with whatever I decided, but I ended up deciding to take his last name. I wanted us to feel like a family unit. For a minute I was worried this post was going to get ultra feminist which is annoying. Any time I get asked why I took a MAN'S name I just ask back....isn't your last name a MAN'S name? So silly.

Jen4948 · July 2014

iloveotters2014 said:

Have you thought about changing your middle name to his last name? Or changing your last name to your middle name? My H was fine with whatever I decided, but I ended up deciding to take his last name. I wanted us to feel like a family unit. For a minute I was worried this post was going to get ultra feminist which is annoying. Any time I get asked why I took a MAN'S name I just ask back....isn't your last name a MAN'S name? So silly.

Why does she need to do either one? If she wants to keep her name as it is and not change any of it that's her right and it needs to be respected.

iloveotters2014 · July 2014

Jen4948 said:

iloveotters2014 said:

Have you thought about changing your middle name to his last name? Or changing your last name to your middle name? My H was fine with whatever I decided, but I ended up deciding to take his last name. I wanted us to feel like a family unit. For a minute I was worried this post was going to get ultra feminist which is annoying. Any time I get asked why I took a MAN'S name I just ask back....isn't your last name a MAN'S name? So silly.

Why does she need to do either one? If she wants to keep her name as it is and not change any of it that's her right and it needs to be respected.

I didn't say she had to do either one.....

I simply mentioned that there were OTHER options than just changing your a last name when you get married. Your name in general is kind of up for grabs if you want to change it.

rsbloom · July 2014

I'm having issues with this as well. I never really thought about name changing one way or another until we got engaged, and I told FI that I would like to keep my last name in my name. He thinks it's "weird" and "hippy-dippy" and people "will talk." I said "No one is going to talk, people hyphenate or keep their names more often than you think, and it is NOT hippy-dippy, it's about identity" I love my name, it's a part of me, and I don't want to lose it.

Plus, his family is ALL boys, there are no females in his extended family, so there are a LOT of Mrs. HisLastNames out there, so I would just be another Mrs. HisLastName. My dad however, only has 2 girls.

My mom, even though she is one of 6 Maria Somethings, thinks I should just take his name and "not make drama." I thought she would be more supportive, but she and her sisters all wanted to change their names because they didn't want to all be Maria MaidenName anymore.

He has calmed down a little in the past months, but still says he is hurt that I don't want to take his name, that it's ultimately up to me, but he'll be disappointed if I don't take his name and his name only.

I hate that I feel guilty about this. I've already said I'm fine with hyphenating and having our kids have his name, but I feel he's still going to bring this up over and over again.

I like what a PP said, that her friend just told him to get over it. I think I'm going to have one of those convos with my FI.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

rsbloom said:

I'm having issues with this as well. I never really thought about name changing one way or another until we got engaged, and I told FI that I would like to keep my last name in my name. He thinks it's "weird" and "hippy-dippy" and people "will talk." I said "No one is going to talk, people hyphenate or keep their names more often than you think, and it is NOT hippy-dippy, it's about identity" I love my name, it's a part of me, and I don't want to lose it.

Plus, his family is ALL boys, there are no females in his extended family, so there are a LOT of Mrs. HisLastNames out there, so I would just be another Mrs. HisLastName. My dad however, only has 2 girls.

My mom, even though she is one of 6 Maria Somethings, thinks I should just take his name and "not make drama." I thought she would be more supportive, but she and her sisters all wanted to change their names because they didn't want to all be Maria MaidenName anymore.

He has calmed down a little in the past months, but still says he is hurt that I don't want to take his name, that it's ultimately up to me, but he'll be disappointed if I don't take his name and his name only.

I hate that I feel guilty about this. I've already said I'm fine with hyphenating and having our kids have his name, but I feel he's still going to bring this up over and over again.

I like what a PP said, that her friend just told him to get over it. I think I'm going to have one of those convos with my FI.

I'm really sorry that people in your life have said things to make you feel guilty about this. It's a very personal choice and absolutely none of their business.

The things your FH is saying to you are super disrespectful. You're not making a big deal about him changing his last - and yes, that is actually a possibility. So he needs to back off trying to make you feel guilty about it. As far as your mom goes, there is no drama unless people make it a big deal - which they are.

dragonavicious · July 2014

I had people be really difficult about it when I first decided not to change my name. Not my family but some of my friends who had recently gotten married asked if I didn't love him enough to change it! It sucks but eventually you get used to it. You just have to stick to your guns because its important to you, not to them. They just don't understand why because they aren't in your shoes.

I brought up the no name change years ago so my significant other had time to adjust and though, at times, he does wish it could be the way he wanted, the initial hurt has gone down. It isn't cool that your fiancee is saying that's it's 'hippy-dippy' and definitely time for a conversation. Ask him if he'd ever change his name? Then ask him why not? Usually it has something to do with their identity and that can be pointed to as the reason you don't want to.. There are also some great articles online that you can have him read about why someone doesn't want to change their name. Some of them almost made me cry because they are just so true.

Finally, you guys should really have a conversation about kids (if you are ever planning on having any). For me, it was easier for my fiancee to accept because our kids will have his last name. (mostly because the first names I like work better with his last name then mine.) But you guys should decide if you want it hyphenated, his name, yours, a mix.... (Our compromise was that they would have his last name but I would pick an ancestor from my side for their middle name.)

pbi9994 · July 2014

Am I right in thinking that part of your/his issue is what the officiant/DJ will say when they introduce you? Because they don't have to introduce you as Mr. and Mrs. anything. They can simply say, "For the first time as a married couple, let me introduce to you, Jane and Jon!" Or any variation.

On another note, he does have some stuff to get over, but you might too. You have every right to keep your name, but short of telling every single guest in person that you are keeping your name, you are probably going to get some mail, be referred to, or be confused for Mrs. Hislastname in the future. It's convention, so people don't assume to ask before they make that mistake. Try not to be too upset when they do.

princessleia22 · July 2014

I had always thought I would keep my last name or hyphenate... especially after I got into my 30's unmarried and had built a career with my name. It's not that I was particularly attached it to or anything, it was more of an independence thing at first. Then after the career, it was more for business and convenience reasons.

But, then I met my husband. He loves his last name. It's not a common name (mine is very common... I even sat next to someone with same first & last name on an airplane once), but it's not a difficult name either. He felt very strongly about me taking his name. Once he made it clear that it was something that was important to him, I knew that I needed to change. His feelings were more important than my convenience (which was my main reason for wanting to stay). But, it took a sit down discussion and him straight forward saying that it was really important to him before I was able to really give in to the idea that I needed to change. I may have been able to harp him into accepting that I hyphenate or something, but I didn't want to hurt him over something that was obviously more important to him than me. You may just need to sit down and have a real heart to heart and really discuss how both of you honestly feels about it on every level.

lucia68 · August 2014

What's in a name? - would a Rose smell any different if we called it a Plum. Just my two cents.

Viczaesar · August 2014

lucia68 said:

What's in a name? - would a Rose smell any different if we called it a Plum. Just my two cents.

It may not smell different, but it may not be happy with the change either.

Liatris2010 · August 2014

lucia68 said:

What's in a name? - would a Rose smell any different if we called it a Plum. Just my two cents.

Seriously? Lots of things are in a name, like identity. Wouldn't it be confusing if you referred to the thing everyone else calls Rose as Plum? You ask your H to pick up some plums to bring to a friend in the hospital. He thinks it is a bit odd, but comes back with fruit, when what you really wanted were beautiful flowers to cheer up your friend. Would a rose called "poop" smell as sweet? Maybe, but who would be willing to give it a whiff?

emmyg65 · August 2014

lucia68 said:

What's in a name? - would a Rose smell any different if we called it a Plum. Just my two cents.

What's in my name:

- my personal identity for 30 years

- my tie to my father's family

- my tie to my culture

- my professional reputation

So yeah, that's kind of a lot.

dragonavicious · August 2014

I hate it because a lot of people seem to think that just because I'm younger (23 now and 24 when we get married) that means I should change my name. It's not like I have a professional identity quite yet. It's not like I'm 40, or I already have children with my last name.... but it's still my name. I may not have had it as long as some people have had theirs but it's still mine. I would be 48 before the amount of time I had the new identity could even equal my current one if I took his name. That's crazy to me.

That being said, I agree that names are just what you give them. Some people are completely comfortable with legally changing their first names, some change their last, and some never do. It's a matter of personal preference and I'm just tired of people (relatives and friends when we tell them) acting like I'm a weirdo for wanting to stay me, but with the added benefit of being married to the love of my life.

CrazyCatLady3 · August 2014

I kept my name and H and I were introduced by "The Newlywed Couple" + our first names. It worked.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

dragonavicious said:

I hate it because a lot of people seem to think that just because I'm younger (23 now and 24 when we get married) that means I should change my name. It's not like I have a professional identity quite yet. It's not like I'm 40, or I already have children with my last name.... but it's still my name. I may not have had it as long as some people have had theirs but it's still mine. I would be 48 before the amount of time I had the new identity could even equal my current one if I took his name. That's crazy to me.

That being said, I agree that names are just what you give them. Some people are completely comfortable with legally changing their first names, some change their last, and some never do. It's a matter of personal preference and I'm just tired of people (relatives and friends when we tell them) acting like I'm a weirdo for wanting to stay me, but with the added benefit of being married to the love of my life.

You don't need to justify wanting to change your name with any of the "I've established a career under my name" "I'm a writer and people know my name" "I'm older and don't want to change now"...

No. Your reason can be as simple as "I don't want to, so I'm not going to." It's a personal choice and you don't need to justify it to anyone. I don't imagine you're going around to your FI, his family, your family or anyone else and telling them what to do with their names...it's inappropriate for them to do the same to you.

I Am Not Going To Change My Last Name

Re: I Am Not Going To Change My Last Name

Choose Another Board

Search Boards