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monster in law

Hi. Me and my fiance were supposed to get married this October but decided to post pone until next October just so we can save more and lose some weight. But the really problem is my soon to be mother in law. She doesn't like me. The worst part is she is so fake to my face. But I found out from my ex future sister in law ( there no longer getting married with one of the reasons being his mother) that she was talking about me putting me down and referring to me as "you know who" and spreading the word about me having bipolar disorder. I have done nothing but everything for her. I always jump to help her and used to push my fiance to stay close to her because thought so highly of her. But now it's just gotten wider. I try so fast even apologizing for the fact that I was upset when I heard she was talking about me. But my fiance is close to her and does everything for her. It is clearly a strain on my relationship. I don't know what to do. I feel my marriage is going to fall because of her because I can't get past the fact that she hate me. Please help.. In more broken hearted then mad . what do I do???

Re: monster in law

  • I would recommend having a sit down talk with your fiance. He needs to support you over his family - that's what happens when you marry someone. If your FMIL ever says anything mean or inappropriate to you, your fiance should be the one to tell her to cut it out. If your fiance doesn't do that, then you have a fiance problem. What does he do in these situations?

    Some people have great relationships with their in-laws, but just as many have no relationship or bad relationships with them. At the end of the day, what really matters is you and your fiance. If FMIL is a bad egg and will continue to put you down, then I suggest spending less time with her. She'll learn that actions have consequences. But, again, your fiance has to be by your side to back you up. From what you wrote, it seems like this might be a problem.

    Long story short... talk to your fiance, make sure he understands how you're feeling and make sure he backs you up if his mother is giving you a hard time. What she's doing sounds childish, but what your fiance is (or isn't) doing is the real red flag here.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If you're going to stay in this relationship, then first, your FI needs to have your back.  He needs to sit his mother down and let her know that knocking you behind your back, let alone to your face, needs to stop permanently.

    Second, limit whatever contact you have with your FMIL to the absolute minimum.  You still need to be polite and gracious when you are together, but you don't have to do "nothing but everything" for her if she is going to be unappreciative of your efforts.

    Third, do not share with her anything she absolutely doesn't have to know.  Don't give her any extra ammunition that she can use against you.
  • Hi. Me and my fiance were supposed to get married this October but decided to post pone until next October just so we can save more and lose some weight. But the really problem is my soon to be mother in law. She doesn't like me. The worst part is she is so fake to my face. But I found out from my ex future sister in law ( there no longer getting married with one of the reasons being his mother) that she was talking about me putting me down and referring to me as "you know who" and spreading the word about me having bipolar disorder. I have done nothing but everything for her. I always jump to help her and used to push my fiance to stay close to her because thought so highly of her. But now it's just gotten wider. I try so fast even apologizing for the fact that I was upset when I heard she was talking about me. But my fiance is close to her and does everything for her. It is clearly a strain on my relationship. I don't know what to do. I feel my marriage is going to fall because of her because I can't get past the fact that she hate me. Please help.. In more broken hearted then mad . what do I do???
    If your FI is on your side and stands up to his mom when she treats you like dirt, you have what you need and can weather this. If he is siding with his mother and not standing up for his wife, you have an FI problem - not an FMIL problem. Your FI needs to talk to his mom, make CLEAR boundaries and expectations for how she will treat you and what he will tolerate. The two of you should be a unit.

    If the problem is with your FI not supporting you and standing up for you, I have to recommend indefinitely postponing the wedding until you get this figured out. If he doesn't stand up for you now, this will never improve and you can look forward to this treatment for the duration of your relationship.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • He always thinks I'm over reacting... Most recently he got upset about something she did but I don't know where it's going to go from here. She always tell him that she likes me and she always says that what I was told she said about me want true . I dont trust her. I don't want the to ruin my relationship.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    He always thinks I'm over reacting... Most recently he got upset about something she did but I don't know where it's going to go from here. She always tell him that she likes me and she always says that what I was told she said about me want true . I dont trust her. I don't want the to ruin my relationship.

    If your FI thinks you are over reacting, maybe you need a 3rd party to navigate the discussion for you.  Have you told FI your fear that FMIL will come between your marriage?  Did you try telling him that you feel the same thing will happen between you two that happened between FBIL and ex-FSIL.  Are you having any sort of pre-marriage counseling?  Bring this up there if you are or suggest to FI that you two get some.

    If you think it would help, try showing your FI this thread.  Maybe he will take you more seriously.

    And stop doing things for FMIL.  Just stay polite and don't overextend yourself to help her in anyway.  Stop pushing your FI to be close to his mom.  Let him decide for himself the relationship he wants to have with his mom.

    southernbelle0915
  • Thank you guys so much I really appreciate your input...I thought about counseling and I think its time to put it into action. And like oliveoilsmom said I really need to limit myself on what I do for her. Thank you so much.
    OliveOilsMom
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Counselling. I don't say that as a 'Just Break Up' response. I say that because every Wedding Counselling or Relationship Counselling thing I've ever read always says that when people finally do get to Counselling, it's usually too late.

    If you have some concerns, go to counselling with your FI. Chances are it can all be worked out with the help of a neutral third party before issues become so deep and divisive it does threaten the happiness of your relationship. 

    Best of luck.

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I'd also suggest not listening to anything anyone wants to tell you "for your own good" that FMIL may be saying about you. Get it from the horse's mouth or not at all. Anything else isn't worth your time or energy.
    Ndelible
  • ilovmikeilovmike member
    First Comment
    edited July 2014
    Just like you are close to your parent he has the right to be close to his. You do not know if any of this is true,  
    You're going by what the ex sister in law said.  You don't know if she likes you or not and who cares as long as her son loves you.

    The only person who could ruin your relationship is you.

    Grow up.



  • I have been married for 21 years, my MIL has been deceased for 12 years. She was in no way, the MIL from Hell. She was fine, and was not intrusive. And DH was not a Mama's Boy (that was her other son).

    But there was no way my husband would ever have sat his mother down and told her something from me that she didn't want to hear.

    Boys love their mothers, and part of them will put mom first. How much of a "part" is the question.

    Think about it. You have another year. Let this issue be a testing ground before marriage.




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