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Really need some advice

deanozzideanozzi
100 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi everyone, this Monday I sent out our invites. Yay! My mother had not seen them and I have been waiting on her phone call saying "Guess what I got?". Well today I asked her if she received it in the mail and she said "Yes". Then I asked if she liked them and she said that she was hurt.

Here is the back story. Mommy and Daddy divorced when I was 2 years old, mom left me with dad. Dad raised me until I graduated college and I moved out. Mom has always been a part in my life and I love her dearly but my father and I have a closer relationship.

Well. since my dad remarried and my mom remarried + my FI has parents as well, my dad and I thought that it would be better to not add any parents name on the invites because it would be very wordy.

However we both decided that on the letter to the guests (our guests need quite a bit of additional information because we are getting married on a cruise) we would add my dads name and my step-mothers name because they are the ones hosting the wedding. So it says something like this Dean & Vicki cordially invite you to celebrate Jacqueline and Xavier's love for each other......

At the bottom it says
With Kindest Regards,
Dean & Vicki

My mom feels awful and now I feel awful! I can not send out new invites obviously. What can I do?


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Re: Really need some advice

  • LeiselEBLeiselEB member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Just tell your mom that you didn't mean for this to hurt her - but you wanted your guests to have plenty of information about the wedding, including who the hosts are. Explain to her that being on the invitation doesn't mean one parent is more important than the other because invitations are simply a way of getting information to guests.

    If she's still upset, perhaps you could have your parents listed in your programs? That, to me, is a more personal thing, anyway.
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  • baystateapplebaystateapple member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    "Mom, I'm truly sorry if you feel slighted, we definitely did not mean to hurt your feelings."

    There's nothing else you can do.  What's done is done.
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    People get too worked up about wedding invitations.  The whole point of the thing is to tell people who's hosting the party, and when and where it is.  That's it.  It's not meant to be a family tree or to identify people for just generally being awesome or whatever.  It sucks that your mom feels badly, but you didn't do anything wrong.  Dad and Vicki are hosting.  Mom is not.  It's really that simple.
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  • deanozzideanozzi
    100 Comments
    edited April 2012
    I know. I thought I did the right thing by not putting anyone's names on the invites and just putting the names on the note. I am an emotional person and so is my mom. I guess I just feel like crap that I hurt her feelings. I hope my FMIL & FFIL do not feel the same way.
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Just make sure you do programs, and list your mom and her new husband.  By not listing her anywhere in all of the invitation/cruise stuff, you are saying that your mother does not approve of the wedding and so your dad is putting on this big expensive wedding cruise to show that HE DOES approve.  That's not the whole truth, according to your original post, so you can correct it on your programs.

    For anyone else who has not yet created their invitations, is it really so very awkward to include the names of the people who love you and have planned and hoped for your wedding their entire lives?

    Usually the BIOMOM's name would go on the top line, and then the BIODAD's name on the line below, but in this case the dad and stepmom are taking the lead. 

    Mr. and Mrs. Richard Biodadlastname
    and
    Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Biomomsnewhusbandslastname
    request the pleasure of your company
    at the wedding of their daughter
    Deanozzi Marie
    to
    Mr. John Jacob Jingleheimer
    son or Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Jingleheimer

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  • Cortney1982Cortney1982 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reall-need-some-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19091d8f-455f-4f1c-b38c-a25e699e44f1Post:7c369bed-73fe-46a5-91c4-910a7a72b805">Re: Really need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just make sure you do programs, and list your mom and her new husband.  <strong>By not listing her anywhere in all of the invitation/cruise stuff, you are saying that your mother does not approve of the wedding</strong> and so your dad is putting on this big expensive wedding cruise to show that HE DOES approve.  That's not the whole truth, according to your original post, so you can correct it on your programs. <strong>For anyone else who has not yet created their invitations, is it really so very awkward to include the names of the people who love you and have planned and hoped for your wedding their entire lives?</strong> Usually the BIOMOM's name would go on the top line, and then the BIODAD's name on the line below, but in this case the dad and stepmom are taking the lead.  Mr. and Mrs. Richard Biodadlastname and Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Biomomsnewhusbandslastname request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter Deanozzi Marie to Mr. John Jacob Jingleheimer son or Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Jingleheimer
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    Totally disagree.  My parents are not on listed on my invites.  They approve of the marriage but they aren't HOSTING the wedding so it wouldn't be approprate to imply that they are hosting.  Poster's mother is not hosting the wedding or cruise so she was in the right.

    Anyways, I'd tell your mother you have plans on putting her name in the program.
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    HOSTING is not the same as PAYING.
    Report Reply
  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reall-need-some-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:19091d8f-455f-4f1c-b38c-a25e699e44f1Post:6a444188-df56-45fe-9c37-c9645db4c8a0">Re: Really need some advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]HOSTING is not the same as PAYING.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    No, it's not. But OP's mother doesn't appear to be doing <em>either</em>.
    Lizzie
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  • Meegles4Meegles4 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    I think your wording was fine for the situation, so I wouldn't feel bad there. But I personally would have run the invitations by all family members involved -- whether hosting or not -- just to be sure everything was cool. Or at least had a conversation about how you were wording the invitations. Your plan to not list names never came up with your mom?

    But hindsight is 20/20 and Bay is right, what's done is done. I'd just sincerely apologize and try to make it up to her in the programs or some other way.
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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    None of the parents of me FI and I are hosting or paying - so nobody's names but ours are on the invitations.

    What the OP did is 100% etiquette correct.  It's too bad that her mother is hurt; but since her mother is not involved with the hosting or paying; she didn't need to be on the invitations or the included note.

    Apologize and tell her it wasn't meant to hurt her, put her in the program and hopefully she'll get over it.  If she doesn't, that's on her not you.

     

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  • deanozzideanozzi
    100 Comments
    Thanks everyone! I was not going to do programs because the ceremony is under 15 minutes long. However, I am up to doing them if you think that even with my short ceremony it would still be appropriate.

    Does anyone have any pictures of their programs so I can gather ideas quickly? Also, what would I order in Vista Print? Brochures?
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