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Not sure how to respond to this RSVP...help?!

sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum

FI and I are getting RSVPs back! Yay! Yesterday we got one and I have no idea how to handle this. Boo!

 

Changing names here...Ok backstory, "Chris" is one of the GM in the wedding. He lives a 4 hour drive away with his wife "Mary" and their children (10 and 13) "Bob" and "Mike". We sent and invitation addressed only to Chris and Mary--we did not invite their children as they have a lot of family around and we are trying to keep a children of the family only reception.

 

We get an RSVP back for Chris, Mary, Bob, and Mike with a note on the bottom saying "weather permitting all four of us will be there. If not just Chris will be there. We will let you know a couple of days before".

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I'm not even sure how to approach this whole situation. Help meeeeeeeee!

 

 

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Re: Not sure how to respond to this RSVP...help?!

  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    I would tackle these as two separate problems - first, the standard "We got your RSVP and are so sorry for the confusion; the invite was only for you and Mary."  Then, the more baffling part - "Let us know by X if it will be just you or you and Mary.  Just so you know - we've got a plan if it's too hot/too rainy/too cold - so please don't worry about bad weather. We can wait to see you!"

    Who RSVPs for a wedding weather permitting?  BBQ, company picnic, etc. - sure, don't bother if it's rainy but a wedding?
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    @southernbelle0915, Thank you! Any suggestion on the whole "weather permitting, if not it will just be Chris and we'll let you know a couple of days before" part? I am not sure how FI should word that we need to know yes or no.
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
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    I would call and explain the invitation was for Chris and Mary only. 

    On the other hand, since Chris is in the WP, if they are unable to find childcare that weekend, I'd probably let it slide if you have the space. You are not required to allow the kids to come, but this is one of those grey areas. You can put your foot down, but if it means your GM quits, be prepared to face that particular drama. (Although, who knows, maybe they just misunderstood the invitation and they'll say, "Oh! Our mistake. We'll call Grandma and ask her to watch them.")

    As for the "we'll let you know", just tell them the caterer needs the final numbers on X date and that date is not negotiable. They should have a decent idea of the forecast about five days before the wedding. Obviously, being from the Midwest, I know that weather can change in a matter of hours, but at least they'd know if a snowstorm is predicted for that weekend a few days in advance.

    (Wait. Your ticker says late October, I'm thinking? What kind of weather are they worried about? Rain?)

    If you tell the caterer that Chris and Mary are coming and Mary skips out at the last second, yes, you've paid for a meal that won't be eaten, but no-shows are a thing, and every bride has to prepare for them. Sometimes, a guest who said they couldn't come will show up at the last second (surprise!) so now you're balanced on meals again. Things have a way of working out, but I also know many brides who had 5-10 no-shows and were out those meal costs.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Dude, Mike and Bob are 10 and 13, they probably don't need a sitter.  Set them up with their gadgets and let them stay in the hotel.  Or leave them home with their buddies.

    What you do is call up Chris and tell him that the invitation was only for him and Mary, we hope Mary will still be able to make it.  
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Re. the weather thing, FI can say something like, "I was confused by the weather remark. So should we count on Mary coming or not? As we get our seating plan in order and make sure everyone has a meal, I don't want to leave her out of anything."
    *********************************************************************************

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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
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    I totally missed that the kids are 10 and 13. They can stay at the hotel if their parents can't leave them with someone at home. Most 13-year olds are mature enough to be left alone for an evening.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    What the hell? Why are people so rude? I'm annoyed for you. There's no reason their 10 and 13 year old boys needs to come. 
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    Thanks everyone! I definitely wasn't expecting that kind of a responce on the RSVP from them, so it threw me for a loop!

     

    Yes the wedding is October 18th. I really don't understand what weather would be hindering them from coming...FI is kind of on the fence with the kids part. Chris and Mary are one of the only couples who have children that are not in the family (5 other couples all RSVPd sans kids). We may let that slide. The weather permitting comment, though? Yeah no.

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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
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    If you choose to let the kids slide, I would definatly stress the yes or no to attending. I would hate to pay for 3 meals and then they didn't show up. Explain that #'s have to be into the caterer before "a few days" in advance.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    edited August 2014
    Weather permitting?   What does that even mean?    It's not winter time.  Even if it was why would Chris be able to get there and not the others?   

       I guess if they had a game or something and it rained, then the game might be cancelled and they could now make the wedding?    I'm just reaching now.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • mimivacmimivac member
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    lyndausvi said:
    Weather permitting?   What does that even mean?    It's not winter time.  Even if it was why would Chris be able to get there and not the others?   
     
    I would guess because Chris lives a few hours away from his wife and kids? So there may be a situation where Chris is able to make it, but, for weather-related reasons, his wife would not be able to drive the extra miles (presuming Chris is closer to the wedding venue). Still strange.
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    mimivac said:
    lyndausvi said:
    Weather permitting?   What does that even mean?    It's not winter time.  Even if it was why would Chris be able to get there and not the others?   
     
    I would guess because Chris lives a few hours away from his wife and kids? So there may be a situation where Chris is able to make it, but, for weather-related reasons, his wife would not be able to drive the extra miles (presuming Chris is closer to the wedding venue). Still strange.

    Chris and Mary live together with their children. They are a four hour drive away from the venue, so this would not be the issue.
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  • offensivekitten2offensivekitten2 member
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    I don't understand why you are allowing some children and not others. That's pretty insulting, to be honest. If I was told to leave my kids at home, then showed up and saw a bunch of kids, I'd be seriously pissed.

    Also, this dude is in the WP, which is supposed to be an honor. How are ypu honoring him by forcing him to leave his kids at home when most people don't? I'd feel like a 3rd class citizen, or worse, like you are criticizing my kids.



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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    offensivekitten2 said:
    I don't understand why you are allowing some children and not others. That's pretty insulting, to be honest. If I was told to leave my kids at home, then showed up and saw a bunch of kids, I'd be seriously pissed. Also, this dude is in the WP, which is supposed to be an honor. How are ypu honoring him by forcing him to leave his kids at home when most people don't? I'd feel like a 3rd class citizen, or worse, like you are criticizing my kids.
    It's totally fine to invite some kids and not all. FI and I are inviting only the kids we're close to - my cousin's daughters and his step-sister's kids. We're not inviting all the children of our friends. 
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    edited August 2014
    offensivekitten2 said:
    I don't understand why you are allowing some children and not others. That's pretty insulting, to be honest. If I was told to leave my kids at home, then showed up and saw a bunch of kids, I'd be seriously pissed. Also, this dude is in the WP, which is supposed to be an honor. How are ypu honoring him by forcing him to leave his kids at home when most people don't? I'd feel like a 3rd class citizen, or worse, like you are criticizing my kids.

    Woah it's been a minute since I've gotten a comment like this on one of my threads! We tell people all the time that they can invite some kids and not others. FI and I have decided to let this slide, as stated above.

    @offensivekitten2, I do want to thank you for the time you put into your response. I do appreciate all opinions. While I may disagree, it is important for lurkers to always see that their are multiple opinions on different topics.  

    @ClimbingBrideNY--That was our reason as well. We want our nearest and dearest at our wedding. That means children of the family only. I see no reason to defend this decision.

     

    ETA: tag

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    I find this whole thing to be annoying. I'm annoyed for you! I agree with PPs, have FI call rudey and tell him that the kids aren't invited, and that you need to know sooner than "a couple days in advance" if the wife won't melt in the rain. This isn't like a backyard get together. There's some planning involved here. Ugh!
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
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    martha1818 said:
    Eh, I disagree with this being a "grey" area because he's in the WP. It's not like they are breastfeeding infants which would be a much larger inconvenience.
    Oh, I agree. I just meant that when it's the WP, it gets a bit messier than when a guest says they can't come because their kids aren't invited. If a WP member throws a hissy fit over their kids not being invited, it's a bit more wedding-related and not simply guest-related at that point. That's all I meant - pick your battles, etc.

    Is that making any sense? It makes sense in my head. Like, I wouldn't care if my cousin threw a fit over her kids, but if my BM couldn't come because she couldn't find a babysitter, I'd suck it up because she's in my WP. That doesn't mean anyone is required to invite the WP kids, though, hence the grey area (in my mind).
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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
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    Why are people RSVPing over a month before the wedding? When is your RSVP date?
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  • auriannaaurianna member
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    edited August 2014
    Liatris2010 said:
    Why are people RSVPing over a month before the wedding? When is your RSVP date?
    Heh. I caught that too. But am giving benefit of doubt that invites were JUST sent out and invited couple is very prompt. Too optimistic?
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    offensivekitten2 said:
    I don't understand why you are allowing some children and not others. That's pretty insulting, to be honest. If I was told to leave my kids at home, then showed up and saw a bunch of kids, I'd be seriously pissed. Also, this dude is in the WP, which is supposed to be an honor. How are ypu honoring him by forcing him to leave his kids at home when most people don't? I'd feel like a 3rd class citizen, or worse, like you are criticizing my kids.
    Whether or not someone is in the wedding party, s/he has no right to automatically expect his/her kids to be invited.  It has no effect on whether or not s/he is "honored."  And the idea that "most people don't force their wedding party members to leave their kids at home" is a generalization that might not be true.  You might feel like a third-class citizen if you are in the wedding party and your kids are not invited, but not everyone, and probably not even "most" everyone does.

    There is no etiquette requirement that any kid be invited-nursing or not, parents in the wedding party or not.  The only rules are that any kids in the ceremony must also be invited to the reception, and while it's not really a rule, it's very strongly advocated that siblings close in age not be split up without a profoundly good reason.  But it's not up to anyone who is not the host to decide that their kids have to be invited or that it's rude if they are not.
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    edited August 2014

    @Liatris2010--We sent invitations out just over 8 weeks early due to our vast number of OOT guests. Wedding is October 18th, final numbers are due 10 days before (October 8th). RSVP deadline is September 24th to give us 2 weeks to track down straglers.

     

    ETA--yes, @aurianna, they are early RSVPers.

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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
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    Thanks, that just makes this extra baffling. Why RSVP early if you aren't sure if the wife is or is not going. In that case, I'd tell them the kids were not included and that you need to know if the wife is coming  by the 24th.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    lyndausvi said:
    Weather permitting?   What does that even mean?    It's not winter time.  Even if it was why would Chris be able to get there and not the others?   

       I guess if they had a game or something and it rained, then the game might be cancelled and they could now make the wedding?    I'm just reaching now.


    You would be amazed the things people think. My grandmother, who lived in IL and WI all her life, moved to FL with my grandpa when they reached their 70's. She stopped visiting any time after August because she was afraid it would drop to freezing and she would get snowed in. She threw a small fit over my November wedding in IA because she was certain there would be a blizzard. It was 55F that day.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    edited August 2014
    lyndausvi said:


    offensivekitten2 said:

    I don't understand why you are allowing some children and not others. That's pretty insulting, to be honest. If I was told to leave my kids at home, then showed up and saw a bunch of kids, I'd be seriously pissed.

    Also, this dude is in the WP, which is supposed to be an honor. How are ypu honoring him by forcing him to leave his kids at home when most people don't? I'd feel like a 3rd class citizen, or worse, like you are criticizing my kids.


    ******************SITB *******************8

    I disagree.  I have every right to invite my nieces and nephews and not invite my co-workers kids.  Or my first cousin who is underage, but not my friend's child.    Fact is if my siblings drop dead, my nieces and nephews would get an invite by their own right.  Same with my cousin.  She is not inviting because she is a child of a guest, she is getting an invite by her own right.

    I can't say that for kids of friends or co-workers.

    That all said, I believe when it comes to kids it's easier if you do them in circles.    Inviting some nieces and nephews and not others bring on hard feelings.  I find normal mature adults under the couple's child or nephew being their and not their own child.





    Exactly this. We didn't invite friend's kids because we don't have a relationship with them. We invited the children of our cousins because they are family. Like Lynda dais, we kept it to circles.


    If someone was insulted by that then too bad.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    banana468 said:
    offensivekitten2 said:
    I don't understand why you are allowing some children and not others. That's pretty insulting, to be honest. If I was told to leave my kids at home, then showed up and saw a bunch of kids, I'd be seriously pissed. Also, this dude is in the WP, which is supposed to be an honor. How are ypu honoring him by forcing him to leave his kids at home when most people don't? I'd feel like a 3rd class citizen, or worse, like you are criticizing my kids.


    ******************SITB *******************8

    I disagree.  I have every right to invite my nieces and nephews and not invite my co-workers kids.  Or my first cousin who is underage, but not my friend's child.    Fact is if my siblings drop dead, my nieces and nephews would get an invite by their own right.  Same with my cousin.  She is not inviting because she is a child of a guest, she is getting an invite by her own right.

    I can't say that for kids of friends or co-workers.

    That all said, I believe when it comes to kids it's easier if you do them in circles.    Inviting some nieces and nephews and not others bring on hard feelings.  I find normal mature adults under the couple's child or nephew being their and not their own child.

    Exactly this. We didn't invite friend's kids because we don't have a relationship with them. We invited the children of our cousins because they are family. Like Lynda dais, we kept it to circles. If someone was insulted by that then too bad.
    I had a second cousin who was upset that I sent an invitation to her parents that didn't invite her because she lived with them and was their kid.

    1. We excluded all second cousins for that reason.
    2. You're not a kid; you're 43.
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  • ZhabeegoZhabeego member
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    Have your FI call his GM and apologize for the "misunderstanding" and clarify that the invitation didn't extend to the kids, that you hope the wife can still join you but that you will need a definite yes or no by x date.
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