So-Called "best friend" issue - Advice please!

Re: So-Called "best friend" issue - Advice please!

• PMeg819 member

  

  September 2014

  
  

  mhakimian92 said:

  I just got engaged on Friday (squeal!) and the way he did it involved his cousin who is also one of my two best friends (we will call her N), her boyfriend, his best (male) friend and my little sister. When it was all said and done with I asked where if my other best friend was asked to help too ( I will call her C) and my now fiance said no, which was fine since this was his moment and things should have been fine. But then I text C to tell her the good news and she writes me back saying how happy she was for me and that she wished she could have been there. I just said thanks, wish you were too, blah.

  Then the next night I am celebrating with my fun aunt and cousin but then I wanted to go dancing so I call C and ask her but she is very down sounding and says she has no money and doesn't want to do anything. Fine by me, then I ask if she wanted to do anything like hang out, see my ring I don't do something because I am beyond excited and I like to share that with others. But she just says that she doesn't want to do anything, stearnly. I ask if this one time if she could just think about me and just hang out but she says she would have coffee with me and I say that's fine but am clearly upset.

  Next day comes and no word from her, I still haven't heard from her and it has been four days since I got engaged and my so called best friend hasn't seen my ring, cared to celebrate with me let alone give me a hug! I asked T what I should do about it and she asked me if I really wanted to lose a friend over this but I might be crazy but that just doesn't seem like something to fight with me about? I feel like T is sort of being shady towards me about C and isn't telling me exactly what's going on but I'm so sad that my two best girls in the world aren't being straight with me or are even happy for me!!

  Should I bother trying to talk to C? Tell her my feelings were extremely hurt? Should I just give up on the friendship we have? I am always there for her to talk to me about her boyfriend problems I am always down with whatever she wants to do but she couldn't give me a few hours one night? Thank you for reading this, I just don't know what to do.

  No one will be as excited for your wedding and engagement as you are. You are badgering her, leave her alone.

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• Heffalump member

  

  September 2014

  Why does she have to see your ring right away? Is it going somewhere, or can she maybe see it the next time you two end up doing something together organically, not as a Ring Viewing Event? Also, if she didn't feel like doing anything, what was up with the guilt trip about "this one time if she could just think about me and just hang out?" Again, can't you see her when she's up for doing something, do you have to force her out of the house against her will? And then she says she'll have coffee with you, and it's not good enough? Also-also, I am confused about your "four days and no word from her," as if four days = fours months, especially after you said she texted her congratulations that night? And why are you asking T what you should do about it? There is nothing to do something about. Are you going to hold C hostage until she looks at your ring in person? Honestly, if you are considering ending your friendship over this, then please do it. No one, including C, needs this kind of drama in her life. Just out of curiosity, how old are all of you? This honestly sounds like the kind of middle school drama I used to find myself in, minus the engagement, of course.

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  September 2014

  Heffalump said:

  Why does she have to see your ring right away? Is it going somewhere, or can she maybe see it the next time you two end up doing something together organically, not as a Ring Viewing Event? Also, if she didn't feel like doing anything, what was up with the guilt trip about "this one time if she could just think about me and just hang out?" Again, can't you see her when she's up for doing something, do you have to force her out of the house against her will? And then she says she'll have coffee with you, and it's not good enough? Also-also, I am confused about your "four days and no word from her," as if four days = fours months, especially after you said she texted her congratulations that night? And why are you asking T what you should do about it? There is nothing to do something about. Are you going to hold C hostage until she looks at your ring in person? Honestly, if you are considering ending your friendship over this, then please do it. No one, including C, needs this kind of drama in her life. Just out of curiosity, how old are all of you? This honestly sounds like the kind of middle school drama I used to find myself in, minus the engagement, of course.

  YES at ALL of that.  I am uber-curious about y'alls ages. 

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• NOLABridesmaid member

  

  September 2014

  Believe a person when they tell you no, three times. Yes, she should be excited for you, but maybe there is a reason she is down.

  Maybe that's the place you should start.

  

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• dharmabunny member

  

  September 2014

  Jesus, be a secure-in-yourself person!
  
  I have several friends like this, sometimes even me. It sounds like your friend needs the alone time. Some kind of troubles, ambivalence, or dark journey she needs to process. Sometimes they just need to withdraw until they're ready to come out again. And sometimes, to be a good friend, you just need to give them the space to do that. You push too hard, you'll get their ire and resentment.
  
  Maybe instead of making any agreed on face to face time all about yourself and mining for adulation, you can check in with your friend and see if she's OK, be there to listen if she wants to talk, help her get any help if things are in a tailspin.

  

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• *Barbie* member

  

  September 2014

  mhakimian92 said:

  I just got engaged on Friday (squeal!) and the way he did it involved his cousin who is also one of my two best friends (we will call her N), her boyfriend, his best (male) friend and my little sister. When it was all said and done with I asked where if my other best friend was asked to help too ( I will call her C) and my now fiance said no, which was fine since this was his moment and things should have been fine. But then I text C to tell her the good news and she writes me back saying how happy she was for me and that she wished she could have been there. I just said thanks, wish you were too, blah.

  Then the next night I am celebrating with my fun aunt and cousin but then I wanted to go dancing so I call C and ask her but she is very down sounding and says she has no money and doesn't want to do anything. Fine by me, then I ask if she wanted to do anything like hang out, see my ring I don't do something because I am beyond excited and I like to share that with others. But she just says that she doesn't want to do anything, stearnly. I ask if this one time if she could just think about me and just hang out but she says she would have coffee with me and I say that's fine but am clearly upset.

  Next day comes and no word from her, I still haven't heard from her and it has been four days since I got engaged and my so called best friend hasn't seen my ring, cared to celebrate with me let alone give me a hug! I asked T what I should do about it and she asked me if I really wanted to lose a friend over this but I might be crazy but that just doesn't seem like something to fight with me about? I feel like T is sort of being shady towards me about C and isn't telling me exactly what's going on but I'm so sad that my two best girls in the world aren't being straight with me or are even happy for me!!

  Should I bother trying to talk to C? Tell her my feelings were extremely hurt? Should I just give up on the friendship we have? I am always there for her to talk to me about her boyfriend problems I am always down with whatever she wants to do but she couldn't give me a few hours one night? Thank you for reading this, I just don't know what to do.

  Who in the world is T? I'm barely following this as-is, but I think you've changed N to T? 

  
  

  I'm in full agreement with PMeg and Heffa - you're probably annoying the hell out of her and just need to back off. The only person who should be as excited as you are is your FI. If people aren't dropping their lives to come and congratulate you in person, it doesn't make them bad people. 

  
  

  For what to do - back off, and stop harassing your friend or giving her a tough time for not being involved in the proposal somehow or not hanging out with you immediately afterwards. 4 days is nothing. I didn't see my FAMILY until a week after I got engaged, and somehow DK and I have been successfully married for almost 8 years. 
  
  Is your engagement invalid until your friend sees the ring in person? I really don't get why this is so important.

  
  

  Maybe she's not happy for you because she thinks your FI is an asshole. Maybe she knows that he did something bad (like cheat on you) and she is trying to figure out how to tell you (or if she should). 

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• pegasuskat member

  

  September 2014

  I just can't figure out who T is....  Its only been 4 days, I can't imagine ending a friendship over that, give her some time.

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• *Barbie* member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  Since OP has left us hanging on the identity of T, I think she needs a back story. 

  
  

  When T was a baby, her teenage mother decided to leave her with the man that she thought was her father. The "father" had a lot of drug issues, so the baby was turned over to the state, and spent the next 13 years in the foster care system. When T was 14, she was adopted by what seemed like a nice family. T had grown hard in the foster system so she struggled with drugs, but her adoptive mother helped her get clean. When she was 16, her adoptive parents were killed in a car accident, and she went back into the foster system until she hit 18 and they kicked her out. From that point, T lived on the streets until she met a nice man who took care of her. He helped her to go to beauty school where she graduated, Summa Cum Facialist. T was working in a salon, and met OP when she came in for her usual cut/color/moustache wax. They became very good friends, gossiping about C, and the guys they were dating. T was very excited when OP got engaged and saw the ring and gave OP a special makeover for the wedding, on the first day of the engagement. T thinks that C is a \ # / for not seeing the ring in the first 4 days and encouraged the OP to drop her like she was hot. 

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• wanderwoman135 member

  

  September 2014

  What's C's relationship status? I ask because there's a period of time in my not distant enough past where whenever a friend got engaged it was really tough on me for my own reasons and really just wanted to be left alone. I'm past that, thank goodness.

  
  

  If you say C is your best friend then your ring/engagement/happy news is absolutely NOTHING to end the friendship over and I think you're being way too self-focused. When I got engaged I was so giddy that I stepped on a few toes in my blissed-out state, and I really think this is what you're doing right now.

  
  

  Call up C, tell her you want to hang out, but don't say anything about your wedding or your engagement or your ring or anything. She knows you're engaged and she'll see the ring soon enough. There will be plenty of time to talk wedding stuff and about how happy you are...don't smudge it around in people's faces.

  
  

  Not trying to be harsh here, just giving a lecture I heard and needed when I was where you are  

  
  

  Good luck and go make up with that bff! 

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  October 2014

  IMO - the problem is you texted instead of picking up the darn phone and CALLING!  Um - WTF!!  There are times when you should not text information to people and instead opt to call - this WAS one of them!  So for your end, I'd kind of be peeved with you as a friend too. 

  As for what to do about it now - bring dinner over to her place, and just hang out, and ABSOLUTELY NO wedding talk!

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• Heffalump member

  

  October 2014

  MesmrEwe said:

  IMO - the problem is you texted instead of picking up the darn phone and CALLING!  Um - WTF!!  There are times when you should not text information to people and instead opt to call - this WAS one of them!  So for your end, I'd kind of be peeved with you as a friend too. 

  As for what to do about it now - bring dinner over to her place, and just hang out, and ABSOLUTELY NO wedding talk!

  Meh, I think it depends on the person.  It would not bother me to receive this info via text, but I understand why other people wouldn't care for it.  Regardless, yes to dinner and friend-time that doesn't involve genuflecting to the OP or her ring.
  

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