Ultimate Wedding Woe: Cancellation

Re: Ultimate Wedding Woe: Cancellation

• GBCK member

  

  October 2014

  There used to be a website we'd recommend, theregoesthebride.com  -now appears defunct

  
  

  I'm sorry--it's not a choice to be made lightly and it's gotta be a lousy place to find yourself.  (although, probably a bit better than filing for divorce 3 months post wedding)

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• doeydo member

  

  October 2014

  I canceled/postponed my wedding, but it was supposed to happen next year and there are some serious issues in SO and I's relationship.

  
  

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• dharmabunny member

  

  October 2014

  I'm sorry
  
  Disappointments aside, this will provide you the breathing room and chance to gain the lucidity that you need and to take care of yourself.
  
  It's a hard choice, but you'll be a far better and wiser individual at the other side. Promise.

  

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• *Barbie* member

  

  October 2014

  are the two of you staying together, or are you breaking up/taking some time apart? 

  
  

  I'd recommend talking to a counselor and trying to figure out your feelings (which are legit). If the two of you decide to stay together, you may also want to consider couples' therapy

  
  

  like PP said, it's better to make the decision to cancel or postpone the wedding, than asking for a divorce a few weeks or months afterwards.

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• pengwinn member

  

  October 2014

  We are technically together but taking physical space apart. It is a strange situation. Talking to somebody is not a bad idea.

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• knottie75e99fe4be548d97 member

  

  October 2014

  I was in a vaguely similar situation.  Mine differed in that we only had just started putting deposits down for our wedding when we called it off and it was him blowing up at me freaking out when I put down a deposit on a photographer when he wasn't at the meeting that triggered our unraveling.  This led us to discuss why he was mad about it and the gap between us just widened.  While the situation differs, ultimately I had a broken engagement and a wedding date set that didn't happen.  This was in 2005.  With today's divorce rate, you are smart to recognize cold feet and not just push those feelings away or tell yourself you can always get divorced in a year.  That is ridiculous.  At the time of mine, that website, There Goes the Bride did exist and I went there for support.  I am sad to hear it is gone and would hope someone might consider starting a FB group at the very least for support (hey, maybe me?).  Doing the math, you are about 24.  I thought I knew myself at 20, 22, and 24.  However, now that I am 32, I am SO different than I was then and my interests have greatly changed.  Today I can't imagine being with the person I was engaged to at 22 - not to say that this is true for everyone as marriage is also about growing as a couple & supporting new interests.  If it was meant to be, it will happen (down the road).  I definitely recommend a counselor of some type to discuss your feelings with.  When I did get married in 2012, there wasn't doubt, and it felt so right.  Previously I had 3 serious relationships each lasting 3-4 years.  Despite the "time put in," I never felt the degree of satisfaction with a relationship that I have now, so don't be bound by your 8 year history as a "reason to stay."  I believe there are three types of marriages - those that are outright not matched for one another, those where you're content, but feel like it's not *perfect* - there are probably many people that you could marry that would fit into this category (sounds like your FI is one of them), and then there is the ideal love-of-your-life category that only those willing to weed through the masses are able to find if their lucky stars align.  Given that you didn't feel right about getting married, indulge yourself in your interests and meet new people and see if you can meet someone who falls into that last category.

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• Vivandiere8 member

  

  October 2014

  I know it's really, really hard. And people will be upset because it was so last minute so it's hard to understand. But when it comes down to it, better to cancel last minute, even on the very day of, then to go through with a wedding you don't want, or have major concerns over. One of my best friends brothers was having doubt leading up to the wedding, and hours before he started going back and forth in his talking to the point where his own brother was begging him to let him go out into the church and tell people it was cancelled. Apparently the priest over heard part of the brother's argument when he walked in and was saying if there was doubt he wasn't going to perform the marriage ceremony, but then my friends brother didn't want everyone upset so he just said something like "No, no, just a moment of cold feet. I love her, I want to marry her..."
  
  Sadly just months later they were back and forth splitting up, constant fighting, a few years of struggling, and then she ended up divorcing him with a little child in between them.
  
  So moral is... as upset as people will be, you should not go through with a marriage if you have doubts. You did the right thing
  

  
  

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• pengwinn member

  

  October 2014

  I appreciate the stories and encouraging words. I almost half expected some to scold me for waiting so long to make the decision. You just can't plan for your feelings. I still love my fiancé and honestly I want to marry him, I just don't think I was ready and have a lot of personal things that I should work out including making sure I am 100% before going through with it. I think it is going to be a while before I can be okay with myself again.
  The financial woes shouldn't even be a thought but they are. My mother spent her retirement money on this wedding and although she doesn't throw it in my face I couldn't feel worse.
  I can't wait to eventually get back to some state of normal!

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• thejucheidea member

  

  October 2014

  pengwinn said:

  I appreciate the stories and encouraging words. I almost half expected some to scold me for waiting so long to make the decision. You just can't plan for your feelings. I still love my fiancé and honestly I want to marry him, I just don't think I was ready and have a lot of personal things that I should work out including making sure I am 100% before going through with it. I think it is going to be a while before I can be okay with myself again. The financial woes shouldn't even be a thought but they are. My mother spent her retirement money on this wedding and although she doesn't throw it in my face I couldn't feel worse. I can't wait to eventually get back to some state of normal!

  Were you able to recoup any of her money? Are you going to pay her back? That's really, really rough no longer having a retirement fund...

  
  

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• pengwinn member

  

  October 2014

  I don't think much of it was recouperable.icdidnt want her to use it in the first place but I am going to try to pay it back of course.

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