My mom is the best at giving guilt trips.

Re: My mom is the best at giving guilt trips.

• beharrington member

  

  October 2014

  That sucks.  Just keep planning what you're planning and it should (hopefully) blow over.

  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  October 2014

  Yeah, she is pretty good at th guilt thingy.

  You gotta do what you gotta do and I think you plans sound great.  Just tell her it is a closed topic and no further discussion is gonna happen.

  I have 4 grown DDs and a 19 yo DS at home. There have been quite a few Christmases (on whatever day we celebrate) where one or two can't be there.  It is hard to get used to at first, but that doesn't mean that moms don't have to suck it up - we do!  When our kids get married and build families, things change whether we want them to or not.

   Life goes on and so does Christmas.  Take your trip and have a wonderful time.

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• esstee33 member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  ClimbingBrideNY said: Remember my post yesterday about going away for Christmas? I mentioned to my mother last night about our plan, and basically said that we would be be bowing out of any Christmas celebrations this year. She was upset, and then she used my 92 year old grandmother against me! "I don't know how many more years Grandma is going to be with us. She's 92 now. This could be one of her last Christmas celebrations with the family.It makes me so happy to have the family together..." 
  Now this is what our family Christmas celebrations have turned into. Because my cousin's wife is a huge pain in the ass, we can NEVER celebrate Christmas on the actual day. We have a potluck at my aunt's house a few days before. This involves packing up the car with everyone's presents, packing up whatever food I'm bringing, picking up my grandma, loading up all her stuff and then driving one hour (one way) to my aunt's house. 
  Then, I'm expected to celebrate either Christmas eve or Christmas day at my mom and dad's, which is a 3 hour round trip. I can't stay over, because I can't bring my dog, and I'm not going to board her on Christmas (I'd feel like such a bad dog mom. I know that makes me weird). 
  So all in all, it's just too fucking much and I'm tired of it. I want to take a year off, and just celebrate Christmas with my H this year. I don't want any gifts, and I don't want to do any gift shopping. I told my mom it would be just the same as if we went to see H's family for Christmas instead. Is it really that big of a deal? I feel like the reason she's really upset is that she won't have me to cart my Grandma around and someone else less reliable (ahem, my brother) will then be responsible for doing it. 
  Also, they're hosting Thanksgiving this year. And every year they host, I drive up the night before and spend hours helping them prep. So it's not like I'm not a good daughter! Damn, people! 
  __________________________ This is exactly  my mother, too. We've been estranged for a couple  years, but one of the final straws in our relationship was Christmas 2012. I had a full-time job and vacation time for the first time basically ever, and I hadn't seen my friends who live about 16 hours away in several years. I asked my mother first if she would mind if I went to spend Christmas with my friends, and she said that would be great! We don't have a very organized Christmas celebration anyway, with people just sort of coming and going as they please, and half the family works on Christmas anyway so they get time and a half pay. So literally half my family is gone at any given time of day. She gave me enthusiastic approval to go. We do a gift exchange among the adults, and I had her that year, so I gave her the gifts before I left, and everything was good! I went to my friends' house, and was able to spend time with my family the day after Christmas, when I got back. 

  
  

  Cut to January, she starts berating me for caring so little about our family, and she can't believe I would "abandon" them all, and I'm the reason our family fights (literally, she blamed me, exclusively, for family fights. All of them. Even the ones I wasn't there for). She also claims she never approved of my trip in the first place, but that I "badgered" her into it. 

  
  

  People are crazy. 

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• climbingsingle member

  

  October 2014

  We're definitely still going ahead with our plan. I spent the first like 30 years of my lift letting my mom guilt me into shit I didn't want to do. That's over now. 

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• climbingsingle member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  esstee33 said:

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Remember my post yesterday about going away for Christmas? I mentioned to my mother last night about our plan, and basically said that we would be be bowing out of any Christmas celebrations this year. She was upset, and then she used my 92 year old grandmother against me! "I don't know how many more years Grandma is going to be with us. She's 92 now. This could be one of her last Christmas celebrations with the family.It makes me so happy to have the family together..." 

  
  

  Now this is what our family Christmas celebrations have turned into. Because my cousin's wife is a huge pain in the ass, we can NEVER celebrate Christmas on the actual day. We have a potluck at my aunt's house a few days before. This involves packing up the car with everyone's presents, packing up whatever food I'm bringing, picking up my grandma, loading up all her stuff and then driving one hour (one way) to my aunt's house. 

  
  

  Then, I'm expected to celebrate either Christmas eve or Christmas day at my mom and dad's, which is a 3 hour round trip. I can't stay over, because I can't bring my dog, and I'm not going to board her on Christmas (I'd feel like such a bad dog mom. I know that makes me weird). 

  
  

  So all in all, it's just too fucking much and I'm tired of it. I want to take a year off, and just celebrate Christmas with my H this year. I don't want any gifts, and I don't want to do any gift shopping. I told my mom it would be just the same as if we went to see H's family for Christmas instead. Is it really that big of a deal? I feel like the reason she's really upset is that she won't have me to cart my Grandma around and someone else less reliable (ahem, my brother) will then be responsible for doing it. 

  
  

  Also, they're hosting Thanksgiving this year. And every year they host, I drive up the night before and spend hours helping them prep. So it's not like I'm not a good daughter! Damn, people! 

  
  

  __________________________

  This is exactly  my mother, too. We've been estranged for a couple  years, but one of the final straws in our relationship was Christmas 2012. I had a full-time job and vacation time for the first time basically ever, and I hadn't seen my friends who live about 16 hours away in several years. I asked my mother first if she would mind if I went to spend Christmas with my friends, and she said that would be great! We don't have a very organized Christmas celebration anyway, with people just sort of coming and going as they please, and half the family works on Christmas anyway so they get time and a half pay. So literally half my family is gone at any given time of day. She gave me enthusiastic approval to go. We do a gift exchange among the adults, and I had her that year, so I gave her the gifts before I left, and everything was good! I went to my friends' house, and was able to spend time with my family the day after Christmas, when I got back. 

  
  

  Cut to January, she starts berating me for caring so little about our family, and she can't believe I would "abandon" them all, and I'm the reason our family fights (literally, she blamed me, exclusively, for family fights. All of them. Even the ones I wasn't there for). She also claims she never approved of my trip in the first place, but that I "badgered" her into it. 

  
  

  People are crazy. 

  
  

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  That IS crazy! I would have been furious. 

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• beharrington member

  

  October 2014

  kmmssg said:

  Yeah, she is pretty good at th guilt thingy.

  You gotta do what you gotta do and I think you plans sound great.  Just tell her it is a closed topic and no further discussion is gonna happen.

  I have 4 grown DDs and a 19 yo DS at home. There have been quite a few Christmases (on whatever day we celebrate) where one or two can't be there.  It is hard to get used to at first, but that doesn't mean that moms don't have to suck it up - we do!  When our kids get married and build families, things change whether we want them to or not.

   Life goes on and so does Christmas.  Take your trip and have a wonderful time.

  To the bolded: it's not necessarily just the parents who have to get used to things.  I'll admit that I was crazy selfish and immature for the first holidays after my brother got married.  We're a really close family of 4 and have been living the same traditions for forever.  When we lived internationally, it kind of had to be that way.  So, brother gets married and they plan on skipping Christmas to go to California to be with her family.  I was really depressed and hated that things were changing.

  
  

  3 years later and it still is weird to me when holidays are different.  However, I have an awesome DH who had basically no traditions growing up and loves to take part in my family's ones.  I guess the whole fall out with his mom over the wedding had a silver lining and we no longer have to consider splitting holidays.

  
  

  The year we were engaged sucked.  Christmas morning with my family, then drove an hour to see his dad's family, then drove an hour to see his mom's family, then back to mine (all families live in Houston so nobody could understand why we wouldn't see everyone - Houston is a ridiculously large city).  All I could think of was what hell it would be to do it with kids.

  

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• ShellD13 member

  

  October 2014

  I did the dutiful daughter thing for a long time too.  We have 25 - 30 people and I always ended up sacrificing at least 1 vacation day before every holiday to head to my parents and prep/serve/cleanup  the family meal.  Intro H who has a split custody schedule with his kids from his prior marriage.  50/50 on holidays with his ex-wife.  I still get guilt trips but I now have an out for all holidays at my parents house.
  
  I say stick with your plan and enjoy the holidays!  Let other pick up the slack every once in awhile.
  

  

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• novella1186 member

  

  October 2014

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Remember my post yesterday about going away for Christmas? I mentioned to my mother last night about our plan, and basically said that we would be be bowing out of any Christmas celebrations this year. She was upset, and then she used my 92 year old grandmother against me! "I don't know how many more years Grandma is going to be with us. She's 92 now. This could be one of her last Christmas celebrations with the family.It makes me so happy to have the family together..." 

  
  

  Now this is what our family Christmas celebrations have turned into. Because my cousin's wife is a huge pain in the ass, we can NEVER celebrate Christmas on the actual day. We have a potluck at my aunt's house a few days before. This involves packing up the car with everyone's presents, packing up whatever food I'm bringing, picking up my grandma, loading up all her stuff and then driving one hour (one way) to my aunt's house. 

  
  

  Then, I'm expected to celebrate either Christmas eve or Christmas day at my mom and dad's, which is a 3 hour round trip. I can't stay over, because I can't bring my dog, and I'm not going to board her on Christmas (I'd feel like such a bad dog mom. I know that makes me weird). 

  
  

  So all in all, it's just too fucking much and I'm tired of it. I want to take a year off, and just celebrate Christmas with my H this year. I don't want any gifts, and I don't want to do any gift shopping. I told my mom it would be just the same as if we went to see H's family for Christmas instead. Is it really that big of a deal? I feel like the reason she's really upset is that she won't have me to cart my Grandma around and someone else less reliable (ahem, my brother) will then be responsible for doing it. 

  
  

  Also, they're hosting Thanksgiving this year. And every year they host, I drive up the night before and spend hours helping them prep. So it's not like I'm not a good daughter! Damn, people! 

  This does not make you weird in my book. I think the same way. In fact, every Christmas I'm so tempted to call the animal shelter and ask if I can foster some dogs for a few days cuz I can't stand the thought of them sitting alone in a cold cage on Christmas day. Then the logical side of my brain is like "No, the dogs have no idea that it's Christmas, idiot." 

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  October 2014

  novella1186 said:

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Remember my post yesterday about going away for Christmas? I mentioned to my mother last night about our plan, and basically said that we would be be bowing out of any Christmas celebrations this year. She was upset, and then she used my 92 year old grandmother against me! "I don't know how many more years Grandma is going to be with us. She's 92 now. This could be one of her last Christmas celebrations with the family.It makes me so happy to have the family together..." 

  
  

  Now this is what our family Christmas celebrations have turned into. Because my cousin's wife is a huge pain in the ass, we can NEVER celebrate Christmas on the actual day. We have a potluck at my aunt's house a few days before. This involves packing up the car with everyone's presents, packing up whatever food I'm bringing, picking up my grandma, loading up all her stuff and then driving one hour (one way) to my aunt's house. 

  
  

  Then, I'm expected to celebrate either Christmas eve or Christmas day at my mom and dad's, which is a 3 hour round trip. I can't stay over, because I can't bring my dog, and I'm not going to board her on Christmas (I'd feel like such a bad dog mom. I know that makes me weird). 

  
  

  So all in all, it's just too fucking much and I'm tired of it. I want to take a year off, and just celebrate Christmas with my H this year. I don't want any gifts, and I don't want to do any gift shopping. I told my mom it would be just the same as if we went to see H's family for Christmas instead. Is it really that big of a deal? I feel like the reason she's really upset is that she won't have me to cart my Grandma around and someone else less reliable (ahem, my brother) will then be responsible for doing it. 

  
  

  Also, they're hosting Thanksgiving this year. And every year they host, I drive up the night before and spend hours helping them prep. So it's not like I'm not a good daughter! Damn, people! 

  This does not make you weird in my book. I think the same way. In fact, every Christmas I'm so tempted to call the animal shelter and ask if I can foster some dogs for a few days cuz I can't stand the thought of them sitting alone in a cold cage on Christmas day. Then the logical side of my brain is like "No, the dogs have no idea that it's Christmas, idiot." 

  Aww! That's really sweet. Honestly, I always get sad thinking about all the dogs in shelters. I wish I could adopt all of them. 

  
  

  
  

  As far as Christmas goes, I'm hoping that once our house is redone, I can bascially just tell everyone, "Hey, I'm hosting Christmas Day. Come on over if you want to see us. If not, oh well!!" 

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  Enjoy Christmas on your own. You're helping at Thanksgiving, so that takes care of family obligations for a while. You're a new family now and entitled to try something different. Oh, and I'm a mom of three.

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• jenajjthr member

  

  October 2014

  My mom doesn't do the "guilt trip" thing, she does the "silent treatment" thing. You piss her off and you don't hear from her for days, then she acts like nothing happened and everything is just hunky dory. 

  
  

  I love her, but when she gets in one of her moods, I just walk away. It's not worth it. I love to tell the hubby, she puts the "fun" in dysfunctional. 

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• hellosweetie1015 member

  

  October 2014

  Yeah... this is a thing I'm incredibly afraid of when FI and I start having to split holidays. My mother has never had a Christmas that didn't involve her kids. His parents live two hours away from mine. I *like* them, and would like to see them for Christmas.

  
  

  I'm sorry your mom sucks with the people-growing-up thing. But the thing is, your kids DO grow up. Sometimes you gotta let them be grownups. I haven't seen the other thread, but continue on as planned and enjoy yourselves! You definitely deserve your first holiday to be together, however you choose to make that happen.

  

  
  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  beharrington said:

  kmmssg said:

  Yeah, she is pretty good at th guilt thingy.

  You gotta do what you gotta do and I think you plans sound great.  Just tell her it is a closed topic and no further discussion is gonna happen.

  I have 4 grown DDs and a 19 yo DS at home. There have been quite a few Christmases (on whatever day we celebrate) where one or two can't be there.  It is hard to get used to at first, but that doesn't mean that moms don't have to suck it up - we do!  When our kids get married and build families, things change whether we want them to or not.

   Life goes on and so does Christmas.  Take your trip and have a wonderful time.

  To the bolded: it's not necessarily just the parents who have to get used to things.  I'll admit that I was crazy selfish and immature for the first holidays after my brother got married.  We're a really close family of 4 and have been living the same traditions for forever.  When we lived internationally, it kind of had to be that way.  So, brother gets married and they plan on skipping Christmas to go to California to be with her family.  I was really depressed and hated that things were changing.

  
  

  3 years later and it still is weird to me when holidays are different.  However, I have an awesome DH who had basically no traditions growing up and loves to take part in my family's ones.  I guess the whole fall out with his mom over the wedding had a silver lining and we no longer have to consider splitting holidays.

  
  

  The year we were engaged sucked.  Christmas morning with my family, then drove an hour to see his dad's family, then drove an hour to see his mom's family, then back to mine (all families live in Houston so nobody could understand why we wouldn't see everyone - Houston is a ridiculously large city).  All I could think of was what hell it would be to do it with kids.

  Re the last bold:  Don't do it!!

  Seriously - my oldest DD has 4 kids.  They did the Christmas world tours on Christmas Day for about 6 years (there are 3 sets of grandparents, so one was left out each time).  She and her husband wisely decided about 3 years ago that they were staying home for Christmas.  ALL DAY.  The kids were going to play with their toys and they were going to relax.  She is brilliant (gets it from her mom, I think).

  She said anyone who wants to come over is welcome anytime, and if I want to spend the night so I can watch the kids open up gifts I am more than welcome, but they are staying put.  Two years ago our DD from Utah was home and the only day she and her DH could spend with us was actually Christmas Day so my other DD decided that all 5 siblings home at once was a good reason to come to Mom's house on Christmas Day.

  I "strongly encourage" you to set your boundaries early when it comes to kids.  It gets ridiculous and you have exhausted kids if you don't.
  

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• beharrington member

  

  October 2014

  kmmssg said:

  beharrington said:

  kmmssg said:

  Yeah, she is pretty good at th guilt thingy.

  You gotta do what you gotta do and I think you plans sound great.  Just tell her it is a closed topic and no further discussion is gonna happen.

  I have 4 grown DDs and a 19 yo DS at home. There have been quite a few Christmases (on whatever day we celebrate) where one or two can't be there.  It is hard to get used to at first, but that doesn't mean that moms don't have to suck it up - we do!  When our kids get married and build families, things change whether we want them to or not.

   Life goes on and so does Christmas.  Take your trip and have a wonderful time.

  To the bolded: it's not necessarily just the parents who have to get used to things.  I'll admit that I was crazy selfish and immature for the first holidays after my brother got married.  We're a really close family of 4 and have been living the same traditions for forever.  When we lived internationally, it kind of had to be that way.  So, brother gets married and they plan on skipping Christmas to go to California to be with her family.  I was really depressed and hated that things were changing.

  
  

  3 years later and it still is weird to me when holidays are different.  However, I have an awesome DH who had basically no traditions growing up and loves to take part in my family's ones.  I guess the whole fall out with his mom over the wedding had a silver lining and we no longer have to consider splitting holidays.

  
  

  The year we were engaged sucked.  Christmas morning with my family, then drove an hour to see his dad's family, then drove an hour to see his mom's family, then back to mine (all families live in Houston so nobody could understand why we wouldn't see everyone - Houston is a ridiculously large city).  All I could think of was what hell it would be to do it with kids.

  Re the last bold:  Don't do it!!

  Seriously - my oldest DD has 4 kids.  They did the Christmas world tours on Christmas Day for about 6 years (there are 3 sets of grandparents, so one was left out each time).  She and her husband wisely decided about 3 years ago that they were staying home for Christmas.  ALL DAY.  The kids were going to play with their toys and they were going to relax.  She is brilliant (gets it from her mom, I think).

  She said anyone who wants to come over is welcome anytime, and if I want to spend the night so I can watch the kids open up gifts I am more than welcome, but they are staying put.  Two years ago our DD from Utah was home and the only day she and her DH could spend with us was actually Christmas Day so my other DD decided that all 5 siblings home at once was a good reason to come to Mom's house on Christmas Day.

  I "strongly encourage" you to set your boundaries early when it comes to kids.  It gets ridiculous and you have exhausted kids if you don't.
  

  Yeah, that one year was enough for me to say "No way!".  Similar to your DD, we decided that once kids arrive, we will invite his families over for Christmas Eve and whoever wants to attend can.  Since we currently live only 4 miles from my parents, we may continue to do Christmas day there (only because it also involves their neighbors who are basically family) or invite them to be with us.

  

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• luckya23 member

  

  October 2014

  Ugh my mom is like this too.

  I've gotten out of a few Thanksgivings, to spend with my previous SO's family, but haven't ever given up Christmas.

  My SO works nights at the back half of the week, so we won't get a xmas together for another couple years.

  My main guilt trip this year was the wedding location - we wanted it in my SO's hometown (3 hrs away) and Mom wasn't happy about it being more inconvenient for her own family.  So she pulled the "we don't know if grandma will be able to travel that far...."
  Now I would love to have my grandma there, but oh freaking well.

  And if she doesn't make it, I better never see her making the 2+ hour trip each way to see my nephew again that she currently does regularly in one day.

   

  

  

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• lacqueredlover member

  

  October 2014

  My FMIL was already giving my FI a hard time about us not spending Thanksgiving with her.  We decided together that we will switch off each year, and years we have his kids, we will go to his family and years we don't we will be with mine.  He doesn't have them for Thanksgiving this year so next year we will go to her.

  
  

  Meanwhile, she was also upset that we will be away for Christmas.  Both of our families are Jewish,...

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  October 2014

  My daughter's ILs live on the west coast, we live on the east coast. We know there will be holidays when she won't be here with us. My husband and I tried to please our families the first few years. We've decided to be flexible and understanding with our kids where the holidays are concerned. These are the growing pains every family experiences as their children become adults.

  Don't let your mom  guilt trip you into cancelling your plans. Your first Christmas, as a married couple, is the perfect time to start your own traditions. Maybe you could really shake things up and invite everyone to your home for another holiday meal- New Years brunch or Easter dinner.

                     

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• princessleia22 member

  

  October 2014

  My family had always been close and Christmas was a big deal for us. But, then I moved 2,000 miles away for college. Then my brother moved out of state. And now this year my sister moved out of state. Getting back home for the holidays became less of a priority when I met DH, because if I couldn't afford to fly home, we could spend holidays with his family, who live near us. They've never been too big about holidays though, so it's not the same. But, then we don't need to abandon our dogs. But, after all my siblings moved and my family is spread across 4 states, it's gotten a lot tougher to get us all together. I haven't spent Thanksgiving with them since I moved 10 years ago. And I think it's been 3 years since we've all spent Christmas together. We usually get 2 out of 3 there, then the last one (usually me, since I'm farthest away) joins via Skype to open gifts together. This year my sister decided she wants Christmas at her house, since she just got married and wants to start her own family traditions. It's tough to see traditions change, but you have a right to do your own thing. You have a right to spend holidays with your family, his family, or on your own. Don't let them guilt you into staying.

   

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  October 2014

  Hang in there.  H and I rotate holidays with our families.  Last year we spent Christmas with mine and Thanksgiving with his.  The year before it was flipped.  So, when they found out that we wouldn't be with them for their Christmas Eve tradition, his SIL said "but we ALWAYS open presents as a family on Christmas Eve."  I replied, "Well, I ALWAYS spent Thanksgiving with my parents, but marriage changes things."
  
  DH and I are actually considering spending Thanksgiving alone this year due to some recent family drama.  So, I feel your pain.
  
  Check out this book - it helps  (clicky)
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• anjemon member

  

  October 2014

  Ugh. That really sucks OP. Moms are the best at guilting, but I say one holiday each year is enough.

  
  

  FI and I are still trying to get into a Christmas/Thanksgiving routine. My parents live 2 hours away so it's not really a feasible thing to try and split the day. So we're doing Christmas with my family/Thanksgiving with his this year then switching next year. 

  
  

  It makes me a little sad though because I'm usually the only daughter who isn't home for the holiday. Both my sisters married men from my hometown. So they're always around on all the holidays and it's not hard for them to do lunch at one place/dinner at another if they want. I kind of hate to be breaking up the family unit, but trying to do both would just be way crazy.

  

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  October 2014

  My MIL does this to us A LOT. Especially Christmas. She called me the other day and we got to talking about the holidays. I mentioned I may not be able to travel as it depends on how I feel or what is going on with my job once I go back to work. She tried to guilt me into traveling. UM, NO!!!!!!

  
  

  Thankfully, DH has started to come around on this. Now that his kids are older and he no longer has scheduled visitation, along with the fact that he has moved for work, we now use the holidays as a time to see the kids. They both have jobs where it's impossible for them to take time off, so that means if we want to see them, we need to stay home. MIL is having a hard time accepting that for some reason. We offered to host them at our house last year and after much complaining, they came. It was a total shitshow, but it worked for DH. 

  
  

  I somehow get lost in all of this as well. No one seems to care that i don't get to see my family at Xmas EVER. I don't really care, to be honest, but it would be nice if someone remembered I have parents, too.

  
  

  My thoughts on this are to do what you need to do. You have a family now, even if it's just your DH, and you need to do what is best for the both of you. It's going to hurt some feelings, but as families grow and change, traditions change. You may decide to start a new tradition of your own, or alternate plans each year. Don't forget that when trying to be fair to everyone, you also need to be fair to yourselves

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• levioosa member

  

  October 2014

  @Jells2dot0, no one seems to care about my Mom either.  My Dad's father passed away three years ago so he's no longer around, but we're still expected to go over and celebrate with my Dad's family.  Last Father's Day my Dad's side got all butt hurt because my Mom and I decided to go spend the holiday with my Mom's Dad who is older and starting to go downhill.  
  
  I try to switch off holidays with families.  Although lately I've been so done with one side of the family that I honestly don't care if I ever spend any holidays with them again.  It's hard for parents when their kids leave and start their own traditions, but it would be nice if everyone could learn how to compromise instead of wanting everything on one side.  

  
  

  
  

  

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