Future In-laws Seem Un-interested...

eshaney · October 2014

First of all OP, take a deep breath and realize that there are many people from many different ages, situations, backgrounds, financial situation, etc commenting here. You honestly came somewhere (the forums) to get what I'm only assuming is constructive and supportive feedback and not some of the nasty droll that has been slung your way. While I do believe that as PP have pointed out that nobody is "obligated" to pay for anything for your wedding, I also come from a family where there was no question that my mother would pay for my dress and as much of my dream wedding she could afford. Growing up she and I always dreamed and talked about what my wedding would be like and how fabulous a Vera Wang gown would cost. Take that part with a grain of salt because my mom was a social worker (huge money in social work... not!), single mom of two girls who worked two, sometimes three jobs, to provide the best life she could for my sister and me.

Sadly both of my parents passed away before any of our wedding day-dreams could actually become real-life. Now enter my FILs. They are older parents on a somewhat fixed income, but they live pretty large and rightfully so because they have worked for everything they have. They don't owe us anything at all, and I know that. When we first got engaged, we did sort of sit down and have a little money talk, and I went into it with what I thought was a reasonable budget that FI could handle without using credit, taking loans, perhaps working overtime or busting our behinds... but it was something we felt comfortable with. ...FFIL passed suddenly about a month before we got engaged, but he did go with FI to look at rings the first time which just melts my heart. Back to my story - FMIL has said I'll do the RD and depending on how things are financially closer to the wedding (April 2016), I will hopefully be able to help with just about everything else.

Her first suggestion was a fish fry at FI's aunt's house with a guest list almost double the guests invited to the wedding. I told FI that made me very uncomfortable because it is extremely rude to invite someone to a pre-wedding event but not the wedding. He had no clue at the time and his response was well I thought if she was paying then she had control over the whole thing. He tried to talk to her about it and immediately pulled all financial support. This has been a carousel we have been on since July. FI and I are planning to prepare to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but we will include her in asking if she would like to give a welcome or bless the food. We will also ask her input for anything she will be willing to be part of. Her money is not a prerequisite for her involvement. I think FI will probably ask again in a few months how she's feeling about hosting the RD but never with the intention of hey - you going to pick up the tab? She is a proud, traditional Southern woman who is the only parent alive at this wedding. She's not mom of the bride or mom of the groom... she's just mom.

So all of that is to say, you can ask for their involvement like I said in saying a few words of welcome or giving a more formal speech after the dinner is actually over. If she says no, then drop it. You could even say hey FILs, we are looking at some different food options - how do you feel about a less formal taco bar as opposed to a plated chicken meal. Again what I think everyone is trying to say is involvement doesn't equal financial involvement. If FFIL wants to officiate, that shows he definitely wants to play an integral role in making this a memorable event for their son. These people are going to be in your life and the lives of your children and their children God-willing much longer than this wedding planning process lasts. So like I started off... take a deep breath and try to look at the bigger picture. Don't let this become such an issue that is causes such a deep rift between you and your FILs because that can definitely make your FIs life harder. I know it is cliche to say this, but in the end, you are joining families and planning a marriage not a wedding. (I'm super Type A and by gosh, I am planning a wedding too, but our focus is on our marriage for sure.)

Good luck. Don't be afraid to ask questions again just because you had a bad experience this time.

And I am sorry this is so long!

mama2stepmama · October 2014

I am constantly shocked by how negative and downright mean some women can be on these forums. OP I personally see no harm in having a conversation with your FILs to see if they would be interested in helping you out. That is not begging. That is family. Do not go into it expecting them to say yes. But go there and just ask if they would "help" you pay for the RD...chance are, they would like to help, but you just haven't asked them yet. Most families I know would be happy to help their children pay for a small portion of their wedding.

beethery · October 2014

mama2stepmama said:

I am constantly shocked by how negative and downright mean some women can be on these forums. OP I personally see no harm in having a conversation with your FILs to see if they would be interested in helping you out. That is not begging. That is family. Do not go into it expecting them to say yes. But go there and just ask if they would "help" you pay for the RD...chance are, they would like to help, but you just haven't asked them yet. Most families I know would be happy to help their children pay for a small portion of their wedding.

You don't plan what you couldn't afford to pay for yourself. It is that simple. If people offer to chip in, that's fine and very kind of them, but you don't go asking for help paying for something.
Do not ask people to "help" by paying for something. It is wrong.

slothiegal · October 2014

mama2stepmama said:

I am constantly shocked by how negative and downright mean some women can be on these forums. OP I personally see no harm in having a conversation with your FILs to see if they would be interested in helping you out. That is not begging. That is family. Do not go into it expecting them to say yes. But go there and just ask if they would "help" you pay for the RD...chance are, they would like to help, but you just haven't asked them yet. Most families I know would be happy to help their children pay for a small portion of their wedding.

Adults know how to offer money. Adults know that ANYBODY would jump at the chance for some extra cash for assist in wedding planning. Adults do not need to be given the opportunity to "help" pay for anything.

No one is entitled to a large wedding. If you can not afford it, why should family have to pony up? Change your plans.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

cammy923 said:

novella1186
If they don't like weddings and don't believe in them then trying to force them to financially contribute to your wedding is unfair and rude. That's like trying to force a Jew to buy you an xmas present. (I'm Jewish and buy xmas gifts all the time, just as a disclaimer, but you get the idea).

True statement. Here's something else to ponder then.... if my future father-in-law is wanting to perform our ceremony, could we still ask them for at least some help with some financial things? Or would that be pushing it too far again? And, if it's ok to ask them to help in that instance, then if they still refuse, can we tell them that he can't perform the ceremony? (Honestly, I'd rather my Uncle do it, so that my FI's father can actually watch and enjoy the day.)

Are you asking whether it's OK to only accept your FFIL's offer to perform the wedding ceremony if they contribute financially to the wedding?

LondonLisa · October 2014

mama2stepmama said:

I am constantly shocked by how negative and downright mean some women can be on these forums. OP I personally see no harm in having a conversation with your FILs to see if they would be interested in helping you out. That is not begging. That is family. Do not go into it expecting them to say yes. But go there and just ask if they would "help" you pay for the RD...chance are, they would like to help, but you just haven't asked them yet. Most families I know would be happy to help their children pay for a small portion of their wedding.

Yeah, that is the definition of begging for money... for a party. If people wanted to give you money for a wedding, they would. It isn't a "surprise" wedding.

One might ask for financial "help" from a close family member for life essentials (food, mortgage) when one has fallen on hard times. But for an able bodied, grown adult to ask for "help" for a party is entitled and just plain vulgar!

climbingsingle · October 2014

LondonLisa said:

mama2stepmama said:

I am constantly shocked by how negative and downright mean some women can be on these forums. OP I personally see no harm in having a conversation with your FILs to see if they would be interested in helping you out. That is not begging. That is family. Do not go into it expecting them to say yes. But go there and just ask if they would "help" you pay for the RD...chance are, they would like to help, but you just haven't asked them yet. Most families I know would be happy to help their children pay for a small portion of their wedding.

Yeah, that is the definition of begging for money... for a party. If people wanted to give you money for a wedding, they would. It isn't a "surprise" wedding.

One might ask for financial "help" from a close family member for life essentials (food, mortgage) when one has fallen on hard times. But for an able bodied, grown adult to ask for "help" for a party is entitled and just plain vulgar!

Exactly! If someone wants to offer you money, they will. Begging people for money for your wedding is gross. And what you're describing is begging.

plainjane0415 · October 2014

Story time. When I first got engaged, I already had my savings, and my budget figured out and my plan as to how we (FI and I) would go about paying for a wedding within our budget. No money talk came up. I had it all figured out and was ready to start planning, reserving, putting down payments, all that jazz.

Within one month of being engaged, and picking our venue, FMIL came to me and said, we will take care of the Rehearsal Dinner. Cool. One less thing I had to worry about, I graciously thanked her for it and she responded with they were happy to help.

Next, the time came for wedding dress shopping. I found one that I liked, (it was about $500 over my budget, but I was able to shift some money around and make changes to our plans in order to pay for it) after the dress was ordered, my mom (God love her) said, why did you pay for your dress? I wanted to do that! To which I thanked her, but I told her that I didn't want her to have to worry with it, and it was just something that I had always saved for and wanted to buy for myself.

I said all of that to say this, you can have the wedding of your dreams with what you can afford. And I am so happy that we are paying for this on our own. We have had 0 drama thus far, and I feel our wedding will be completely "us" and beautiful and I can't wait.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

mama2stepmama said:
I am constantly shocked by how negative and downright mean some women can be on these forums. OP I personally see no harm in having a conversation with your FILs to see if they would be interested in helping you out. That is not begging. That is family. Do not go into it expecting them to say yes. But go there and just ask if they would "help" you pay for the RD...chance are, they would like to help, but you just haven't asked them yet. Most families I know would be happy to help their children pay for a small portion of their wedding.

How is that not begging? If my sister/child/other family member comes up to me and says, "hey how would you feel about buying me a sandwich?" I would see that as begging. I know I have the option to offer to buy anyone a sandwich whenever I want. Or just handout money whenever I want. If I don't offer, I don't want to. And I side-eye people who ask me for it.

This is the same thing. It's not "negative or downright mean" to say that.

Its not like parents would sit there and say "REALLY?! I had no idea I could give you money!!" Come on now....

jynnx262 · October 2014

Hmmm... I understand how you feel. My parents have helped out by paying for a couple things and my fiance's mother has not contributed at all. I would never ask my fiance's mother to pay but I do believe it is the grooms parent(s) responsibility to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Unfortunately you can not ask.

I know my soon to be mother-in-law will not offer so my fiance and I are paying for it ourselves. Time for pizza!

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

jynnx262 said:

Hmmm... I understand how you feel. My parents have helped out by paying for a couple things and my fiance's mother has not contributed at all. I would never ask my fiance's mother to pay but I do believe it is the grooms parent(s) responsibility to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Unfortunately you can not ask.

I know my soon to be mother-in-law will not offer so my fiance and I are paying for it ourselves. Time for pizza!

To the bolded - It is not anyone's responsibility to pay for the RD except yours.

It's very good that you did not ask and are planning to host it yourself!

climbingsingle · October 2014

jynnx262 said:

Hmmm... I understand how you feel. My parents have helped out by paying for a couple things and my fiance's mother has not contributed at all. I would never ask my fiance's mother to pay but I do believe it is the grooms parent(s) responsibility to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Unfortunately you can not ask.

I know my soon to be mother-in-law will not offer so my fiance and I are paying for it ourselves. Time for pizza!

You know who is responsible for paying for your wedding (including the RD)? YOU. Are you an adult? Then you pay for your own wedding, without expecting your or your FI's parents to chip in.

Fucking jesus christ, people!

antibride2013 · October 2014

jynnx262 said:

Hmmm... I understand how you feel. My parents have helped out by paying for a couple things and my fiance's mother has not contributed at all. I would never ask my fiance's mother to pay but I do believe it is the grooms parent(s) responsibility to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Unfortunately you can not ask.

I know my soon to be mother-in-law will not offer so my fiance and I are paying for it ourselves. Time for pizza!

Once again, please go away with your bad advice. You are an adult. It is no ones responsibility to pay for your party but YOU.

ladyjane828 · November 2014

You're very lucky that your parents are willing and able to contribute financially to your wedding. If your future in-laws don't offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner that's something that your fiance can take up with them, but it's not your place. Maybe they don't have the means to contribute.

Future In-laws Seem Un-interested...

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