Family Issues :(

laurenandbill3 · July 2012

I need to delete this post as FSIL has joined. Thanks ladies for all your help.

charmn311 · July 2012

First and only question: how old are they?

laurenandbill3 · July 2012

The siblings? The 3 older are late 20s and the youngest ones are 21 and 18.

charmn311 · July 2012

Then my only answer is that you ask them to stand up, and if they want to be there for you they will. They're adults. They can make their own decisions. Unless of course, they are the kind of people (namely the 18 and 21 year old) who will end up having the parents pay for everything for them. Maybe that's what FFIL is worried about. Either way... you should just ask them. It's your wedding, they're your family, and FFIL needs to back off on that one

laurenandbill3 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_family-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:544ce780-f1a7-4c87-bea4-a60e34c4dbdePost:ecbbe192-5459-459f-acda-2dd1d84a5d3d">Re: Family Issues :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Then my only answer is that you ask them to stand up, and if they want to be there for you they will. They're adults. They can make their own decisions. Unless of course, they are the kind of people (namely the 18 and 21 year old) who will end up having the parents pay for everything for them. Maybe that's what FFIL is worried about. Either way... you should just ask them. It's your wedding, they're your family, and FFIL needs to back off on that one :)
Posted by charmn311[/QUOTE]

<div>That's true. I just almost feel knocked down and stupid for even thinking about it now. FFIl cites money as an issue but the siblings have been standing up in tons of weddings, which yes, does cost a lot of money, but if it was truly an issue, they shouldn't be standing up in these other weddings.</div>

MiksChick23 · July 2012

Ouch. I agree with PP. They are adults, ask them. If one or more declines for financial reasons, then you'll have uneven sides, NBD.

mbcdefg · July 2012

The siblings can speak for themselves. Ask them and let them decide.

And, lesson learned, from now on it'd be wise to limit who you share your wedding plans with. At the very least, if you can't help but share the details, don't share stuff that's still in the making ... wait until everything's planned out and then say, "We're doing XYZ" because then your plans are set and it's not really up for debate.

People are always, ALWAYS going to have opinions about your wedding plans. If it doesn't affect them then it's none of their business. (Bridesmaid saying that a black dress washes her out = something you need to consider. Co-worker saying that black dresses are morbid [this was something that a co-worker said to me] = something you ignore. Make sense?)

Either learn to let their opinions roll off your back, or stop sharing your plans and start saying, "We haven't decided yet" or "We're keeping it a surprise!" and then change the subject or walk away. If you take everyone's comments/suggestions to heart then you're in for a miserable engagement. This won't be the only negative comment you'll hear, trust me.

Chels&Jimmy · July 2012

Ask them anyway. They're adults. They can make that decision on their own. I wouldn't let your FFIL's comment bother you. How the H would he know what they would want to do?

laurenandbill3 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_family-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:544ce780-f1a7-4c87-bea4-a60e34c4dbdePost:45500d63-eb47-4ee2-8617-fbe7133e8f2b">Re: Family Issues :(</a>:
[QUOTE]The siblings can speak for themselves. Ask them and let them decide. And, lesson learned, from now on it'd be wise to limit who you share your wedding plans with. At the very least, if you can't help but share the details, don't share stuff that's still in the making ... wait until everything's planned out and then say, "We're doing XYZ" because then your plans are set and it's not really up for debate. People are always, ALWAYS going to have opinions about your wedding plans. If it doesn't affect them then it's none of their business. (Bridesmaid saying that a black dress washes her out = something you need to consider. Co-worker saying that black dresses are morbid [this was something that a co-worker said to me] = something you ignore. Make sense?) Either learn to let their opinions roll off your back, or stop sharing your plans and start saying, "We haven't decided yet" or "We're keeping it a surprise!" and then change the subject or walk away. If you take everyone's comments/suggestions to heart then you're in for a miserable engagement. This won't be the only negative comment you'll hear, trust me.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

<div>I guess it is a lesson learned. We thought we could share our opinions with his parents without getting judged, but we were wrong. They are usually pretty fine with us sharing our plans for the wedding and letting us do what we need to do.</div>

laurenandbill3 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_family-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:544ce780-f1a7-4c87-bea4-a60e34c4dbdePost:810fea26-aee2-4213-bda9-587936880612">Re:Family Issues :</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd go ahead and ask them, but honestly the idea of "why WOULDN'T they want to be in the wedding" and "won't they feel bad years later if they aren't" rubs me the wrong way a bit. I was not in my brother's wedding last year and that's fine with me. Since I've looked at his wedding photos once which I WAS in, by the way, as his sibling it's never occurred to me to feel bad that my brother, who was a GM, is in more of them than me. Your FI's siblings are adults and if they don't want to be in it, they can certainly decline. It's not your FFIL's place to make that decision for them, but please don't make the mistake of thinking everyone is going to hold your wedding in as high regard as you do. If they do decline, be gracious and let it go.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I wasn't saying it in a way that my wedding should be held to the highest honor. We aren't like that, at all. FI and I were just thinking that if they were in all these other weddings, they would want to be in ours as they are his own brothers and sisters. My brothers and sister are honored to be standing up in our wedding. FFIL brought up the point about the pictures that he thought they would feel weird if down the road they weren't in the pictures and all my family was. I know that they are all adults and can do as they please and if they don't want to then they don't have to be. I am not forcing anyone to be in our wedding. This post was more of being stuck about FFIL comment than me thinking my wedding is the best thing in the world.</div>

kaos16 · July 2012

Absolutely ask them and let them decide. If it has already been made apparent that money may be an issue (by FMIL saying why would they want to spend all that money for one day) I would just be really clear when the time comes for asking about a budget for dresses should they accept.

laurenandbill3 · July 2012

I think you're misconstruing my words. I completely understand if they wouldn't want to be involved, for any reason they give. As you pointed out, theres many reasons. Even if they said they just didnt want to I would understand. I was just more in shock that FFIL commented that all 5 of them would absolutely not want to be in our wedding.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

I would let your FI handle this. I can tell you right now that my brothers and I are much more in tune with how we each feel about things than our parents are, especially our dad.

Maggie0829 · July 2012

Just ignore FFIL and ask who you want.

Was it rude of FFIL to say what he did in such a blunt manner? Yes. Does he have a right to an opinion if you open up about your WP? Yes.

I think your best bet is to just move on and forget what he said.

All the individuals you want to ask are adults and can certainly decide for themselves whether or not they want to be involved.

laurenandbill3 · July 2012

We are still planning on asking them and probably pretty soon so we can figure everything out. Thanks ladies for all your advice!

laurenandbill3 · July 2012

As I said, FFIL brought up the pictures and how they would feel weird. ETA: I said that in my post and it was what FFIL had said and I didn't think it was true but was asking in case I was wrong about that part.

Family Issues :(

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