Wedding Woes

people assuming kids are invited

When we first got engaged one of my aunts asked if we were having kids at our wedding (this was at Thanksgiving last year when we announced our engagement).  We stated that we were going to invite cousins and our niece but that is all.  Now 3 weeks ago we had a family halloween party and my great aunt was there.  My mom was talking with some people about how it would be hard to do a seating assignment for whatever reason.  Her aunt then told her it won't be hard because we could put (listed some kids together) and proceeded to tell her who to sit with who.  This particular woman is known to be opinionated and we all just kid of accept it.  Here is the issue.  She listed her great granddaughter (who is something like my 4th cousin maybe?) who wasn't going to be invited.  

My FI and I have talked and decided just to let her come because its one child that we do not want to exclude.  Our goal for the wedding is cause no conflict (my sisters wedding was all drama and we learned from that).  However, I am sure more of this is to come.  Suggestions on 1. dealing with over opinionated family members without offending them, 2. deal with people wanting to bring their children

Re: people assuming kids are invited

  • 1. The less you discuss specifics with people, the less they have to comment on.  Keep it vague.  If they make a suggestion, say OK or thank them for the 'advice' and then change the subject. 

    "You HAVE to book Murder By Death as your wedding band.  They are the best!!!ONE!!!"
    "Thanks for the suggestion.  We're still working on music.  Did you hear about that new store opening at the mall?  I can't wait to check it out."  

    2. There's no way to make everyone happy, but inviting kids is kind of an 'all or none' thing.  I've only seen it successfully done a few times where only a few kids were invited to a wedding (usually, the kids invited are in the wedding.)  There are still going to be people who won't come to your wedding if their kid(s) aren't invited.  Make a decision and stick to it, but really think about who's kids you're inviting and who you are excluding. 
  • "You HAVE to book Murder By Death as your wedding band.  They are the best!!!ONE!!!"

    "Thanks for the suggestion.  We're still working on music.  Did you hear about that new store opening at the mall?  I can't wait to check it out."  
    Silly, everyone knows Cannibal Corpse is a far superior wedding band. Their "I Loved Her First" cover is inspiring, to say the least.
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  • Draw your line, stick with it, and do not deviate.  Make it clear which kids won't be invited early so people can make plans.  Also, realize that not everyone has access to babysitters.  The people they'd normally use are likely invited to your wedding.  Be prepared that some won't attend and when they make snide remarks to that point, roll with it as it was part of the deal when you chose not to invite the kids.  It's all about communication!  It's one thing to let someone who is latching to bring their baby along with the understanding if he/she starts to fuss that they go out of the room, it's another to allow cousin Gertrude when you aren't inviting cousin Tilly and Aunt Betsy is going to get offended. 

    Next, to avoid RSVP's that have uninvited guests...  Specifically put the names of the guests invited on the RSVP and their meal choice.  "Two seats have been reserved in your honor" ...  etc.  That will also help avoid issues.

    As for unsolicited advice, you're going to get it, just roll with it and say "Thanks for the tip, I'll take it into consideration!" (all the way to the round file because of how idiotic it was, but yea, no)...


  • if you didn't send out invites, and haven't started getting replies, all of this is just speculation - so there's really no point in discussing seating charts.

    If this person wasn't on your original guest list, I wouldn't invite them just because some great aunt 3 times removed on your uncle's barber's side randomly listed them during a party. If aunt throws a fit later, just tell her you're sorry that she feels that way, but the list is already set. end of discussion. 
  • I am blaming my venue.  I know this doesn't work for everyone, esp if you are inviting some children but not all, but my venue has a policy about unattended children and we are just telling people that they don't allow children period.  We are inviting my niece and nephew who will be preteens but that's it.  My niece will be 12 and my nephew 9 (not quite a preteen, but close enough) and they will both be in the wedding party.  We are just telling people that the venue does't allow younger children than that (luckily the only other children that might want to come are much younger, around 4 or below) and that we are only inviting them because they are in the party.
  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2014
    I am blaming my venue.  I know this doesn't work for everyone, esp if you are inviting some children but not all, but my venue has a policy about unattended children and we are just telling people that they don't allow children period.  We are inviting my niece and nephew who will be preteens but that's it.  My niece will be 12 and my nephew 9 (not quite a preteen, but close enough) and they will both be in the wedding party.  We are just telling people that the venue does't allow younger children than that (luckily the only other children that might want to come are much younger, around 4 or below) and that we are only inviting them because they are in the party.
    Umm, no. Don't do this. Just….don't, unless you're venue has a strict, no-tolerance policy on any children in attendance, which yours does not.

    This just seems like a situation that will come back and bite you in the butt in the end. A 12 year old and a 9 year old are still considered 'children'. Be upfront and honest with people regarding children at your wedding. If you don't want them there, then don't include them on the invitation. And/or call up your guests who do have children and personally convey that you will not be able to accommodate other children. Don't lie about it--it's tacky, and the truth will come out at some point. 

    To the OP, in your situation, it should be an "all or nothing" in terms of inviting the children. Unless they are children in the Bridal Party, you're going to have guests wondering why Little Tommy was invited but Great-Granddaughter Sally was not invited. If it is just one more child, then you may be better off just allowing the little one to attend. You still have time to make a decision, but definitely stick to it and do not make deviations. 
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