Young brides!

Knottie51837731 · October 2014

Hello! I was recently proposed to here at my military college. My fiance and I are both in the military, he is 20 and I am 18. We have been getting a lot of concern and even distastefull remarks to our new engagement because we are so young. I am a freshman here, and he is enlisted, so distance is not that much of an issue because we are used to our 2+ months away from one another. My step mom has been the worst offender, she says that she doesn't want to see me ruin my life, yaht yahta... she doesn't even want to look at the ring. Her and my dad want me to wait 4 years until I actually get married, I say only 2 years. Can anyone help me out when it comes to all this ?? Anything I can say to her? Any advice?

manateehugger · October 2014

Knottie51837731 said:

Hello! I was recently proposed to here at my military college. My fiance and I are both in the military, he is 20 and I am 18. We have been getting a lot of concern and even distastefull remarks to our new engagement because we are so young. I am a freshman here, and he is enlisted, so distance is not that much of an issue because we are used to our 2+ months away from one another. My step mom has been the worst offender, she says that she doesn't want to see me ruin my life, yaht yahta... she doesn't even want to look at the ring. Her and my dad want me to wait 4 years until I actually get married, I say only 2 years. Can anyone help me out when it comes to all this ?? Anything I can say to her? Any advice?

Hey there! My H is active duty army and unfortunately we are well-accustomed to long distance (H and I are actually long distance right now) so I get that angle. Sucks, doesn't it? H and I started dating when I was 19 so we were a young military couple for a while as well (well, really we still are).

But I will say, the long distance and military factors combined with being a brand new college freshman are the reason you're getting remarks. I think these people are probably commenting out of deep concern, even if the tone and content of the remarks may be hurtful to you. Let's be real about a couple things really quickly.

1. You're young. Really young. That alone isn't a huge issue, but what comes with being young can be. You're 18 and in college - you're probably looking forward to the best next few years of your life. You're also going to massively screw up and you're going to grow up because of those screw ups. You're out from under your parents' roof which means you get to experience life with less supervision - which is fantastic and I encourage you to enjoy and explore that. What you think you want to do with your life will probably change (isn't it something like 90% of freshman change their majors at least once or something crazy like that?). I'm going to guess your parents and friends are concerned that what you want from life will change along with who you want to spend that time with. It may not, but it's hard to know what will and wont change at 18 because you haven't seen many options that are out there (because up until a few months ago you lived at home only).

2. How much of a plan do you guys have? How financially independent are you? Do you cover housing, school, insurance, bills, cell phones or do your parents handle those? How long have you and your FI been together and with the long distance how much time do you spend actually with each other? How long will you do the long distance if you can't be stationed together? How long are your contracts with the military? How do you plan to keep up healthy communication during the long distance?

3. You're both military. The military adds a huge stress factor to any marriage (I can personally attest to this). The moves, the bizarre hours, the deployments and TDYs take a heavy toll. Jobs and careers take a heavy blow. Relationships with extended families take a blow. It's hard. You guys haven't gotten a real taste of this yet. Sure, you're dating and you understand how hard the distance is, but you haven't gotten adult responsibilities and job concerns to consider as well since you're 18. It gets harder. Military divorces are far too common.

I don't think there's really anything to say to her. If you're old enough to be married, you're old enough to do it without your parents' permission. For now, my recommendation is don't put a date on your marriage yet. Make it through the next few years together, see how his career and your college experience play out. And enjoy your relationship! Learn to grow together, communicate together, and plan together. Stop worrying about a wedding date and worry about your relationship as you guys will have a interesting four years ahead of you. Have fun and don't rush it.

lilacck28 · October 2014

So... I know no one wants to hear this (I certainly didn't! It drove me nuts when my dad told me this all the time as a teenager, but he was right) but your brain (the frontal lobe, the part responsible for making sound decisions and forming judgement) doesn't stop maturing until your mid 20's. That's a big deal. I'm very similar to how I was at 18-- my personality didn't do a 180, but my expectations of myself and my life and the world are very different now. That will probably continue to develop well through old age but.... my brain is done maturing. My decisions are definitely a little more circumpspect, even though I was a very "mature" and responsible18 year old.

Enjoy college, and your relationship. Try not to let your parents' and friends' responses upset you. They're saying what they are because they care about you. Wanting you to wait until you finish school to get married is not unreasonable-- they're not telling you that you're wrong about your Fiance and that you should break up, they're just telling you to slow down a little.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

H and I have been together since we were 18 and 17 respectively. We are now 30 and 31 and let me tell you we have changed in regards to how we see the world and how we deal with life completely different then how we did 10+ years ago. Back when we were first together we relied solely on our parents for almost everything. Yes we did have part time jobs but we were in school full time and our $10/hour part time jobs certainly wouldn't have supported us on our own let alone together. We were also not nearly mature enough to be married. We didn't know how the world really worked. We were just blissfully unaware college students that believed that nothing could go wrong.

As someone who has been with their SO since they were a teenager I am proof that a relationship that starts out when you are young can last throughout your growing pains. We grew together, but sometimes that isn't always the case you can possibly grow apart. No one is saying that you shouldn't get married or that you and your FI should not be together, but I do think it is advisable to get through school first and really establish yourself. What you think you want now in life could and most likely will change many times over.

So enjoy your engagement. Enjoy college. Enjoy your growing process. And enjoy all of this with your FI.

MegEn1 · October 2014

If you love him enough to marry him, he'll still be there in two, four, or five years. If that's the case, there's no reason to marry him RIGHT THIS SECOND.

plainjane0415 · October 2014

I started dating my FI when I was 20, and he was 23. He was graduating college, and I was in my second semester of sophomore year of college. After dating him for about a year the pressure and questions of "when are you guys going to get married" started coming at us all the time. And to be honest it started to get to me because a lot of my friends my age were married and settling down and I was partly jealous/partly mad at my FI because he had not asked me to marry him yet.

Looking back on that (I am now 28) I see how incredibly immature I was for thinking that. FI and I got engaged in May after 7 years of dating, and boy have we had our ups and downs. We have grown up and grown together in that time. Now looking back on it I am so incredibly thankful that we took our time dating and got engaged after several years of dating because there is an undescribable trust I have with him that I do not have with any other person, and quite frankly that means a lot.

O yea and those friends that got married so young that I knew? Over 1/2 of them are divorced now. So as PP said, if you guys love each other enough to get married then you will still feel that way in 5, 10, or 15 years if that's what you decide. Please don't take the negative comments as a bad thing. They are your family and they care about you.

Knottie76236834 · October 2014

Hello, your story is so unique and personal like so many young engaged couples, I can definitely relate to you Im 20 years old my boyfriends 32 we recently got engaged have been together for 9 months, the bit that sucks for us is we live a considerable distance apart I haven't told my family yet, he wants me to wait till he can get me the ring I deserve. Which of course I totally understand,but telling my friends Ive gotten a real mixed bag of reactions some of my friends have been really supportive and happy for me and some have been down right disgusted. Its really upsetting when the ones you love the most can't be happy for you and see your love for what it is. I mean its not like were getting married anytime soon we've set the date for the 4th July 2017 so I'lll have graduated university by then and will be living together. I would say though take your time enjoy planning your wedding Its the biggest and most exciting part of the whole experience. As it comes a long people around you will realise just how serious it is, given time your family and friends will change there mind and get behind you guys. Sometimes it takes people older then us time to see what we already know because they think were too young to know what we want and sometimes they can be right, but if you know deep in your gut that his the one then it won't matter. congratulations try not to let it get you down

good luck x

Beautyandthefish · October 2014

Hi there! I'm in a similar position as you. My fiancé is 22, and I will be 20 in December. He has already graduated college and has a great job, and I will be graduating next year. My parents had similar reactions when we first talked to them about getting engaged. My father especially wanted me to finish undergrad first, and was concerned that I was throwing away my life plans to be with him.

Though there were a fair amount of tears, by the time we got engaged (a month later), they were pretty accepting of it. We are planning on getting married next December. It is a little earlier than when my parents wanted me to, and a little later than when I wanted, but it was a compromise I wanted to make to have them feel better about our relationship.

It will take time to prove to them that you are not making an irrational, impulsive decision. That's okay. After all, this is your life and your decision above all else. Sure, plenty of people who get married so young divorce. However, plenty of people who get married young also stay together.

I hope and pray that your parents will come around. Have patience and show them that you are a responsible adult and are making a decision that you feel is best for your life, and not one that will be ruining it (which I don't see how you are). Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk!

lilacck28 · October 2014

@Beautyandthefish

Why was it important to you (and presumably your fiance) to get married before you finish college?

Beautyandthefish · October 2014

@lilacck28

Honestly, we both really want to live together, and we personally chose not to live together before marriage.

lilacck28 · October 2014

@beautyandthefish

Going to continue to be nosy and ask: Is living together before marriage something your parents would frown on too? If yes, would they have been more upset at you living together pre-marriage than you getting married so young?

I didn't say before, but good luck with your wedding and marriage.

MegEn1 · October 2014

Beautyandthefish said:

@lilacck28

Honestly, we both really want to live together, and we personally chose not to live together before marriage.

FI and I were the same way. We didn't like the idea of living together before marriage. But in order to make sure we could save and plan for the wedding we wanted (in addition to wanting to see each other because we lived 1.5 hours apart) we made the decision to move in together. We did so only AFTER we had gotten engaged and set a date.

Not ideal, but we made a choice and now we own it. It's working out well - we're saving a lot more money together and are even going to be able to buy a house sooner than we thought.

Are you both dead set against such alternatives? Totally legit if you are. I did want to give my perspective as someone of similar beliefs who made a different decision.

Beautyandthefish · October 2014

@lilacck28

Yes, my parents would be much more upset if we decided to move in together than get married young. I didn't really clarify, but I will be starting my masters the spring after we get married so I will essentially be done with undergrad (one class left so graduating in May).

@MegEn1

We both just really want to wait to live together until we are married, it was the way we were raised. My oldest sister (26) recently moved in with her boyfriend and my parents are pretty upset about it. I can only imagine how they would react if I moved in with him!

lilacck28 · October 2014

Thanks for indulging my questions!

daystardreams · October 2014

I got engaged when I was 18. My mother begged me to wait at least four years. She even bribed me into paying for the entire wedding if I'd only wait. I had no intention of waiting at the time but due to other circumstances I ended up being engaged for three years. That relationship then ended, my mom told me that she had been so hopeful that I wouldn't marry that man. She was so, so right. I'm so glad that I waited...

mslrose · October 2014

I'm currently engaged and I turn 21 in December.
Surprisingly, I've received way more positive feedback than negative.. maybe because almost everyone knows that I have an "I don't care, I will do as I please" attitude or maybe because I definitely turned out to be different than the girls I went to high school with. My mother wanted me to wait a few years also.. but honestly, I never did like the idea of long engagements, it was pointless to me to wait so long. I could understand if it were because of money issues.

At first, my mother didn't say congrats to me.. actually, no one in my household did. My grandma told my 13 year old sister that I was following in my mother's footsteps (I'm not sure how) .. Let's just say, I felt so bad about myself and wish that things could have went differently. I even went as far as saying no the first time he asked me because I wanted my mother and I to be on good terms when he proposed but I realized she cannot choose when I'm happy.

It's been about six months now and she's opening up more. We're visiting venues next month.. I was so afraid to ask her because she's just a hard person to talk to but she's doing it! I guess I can say she's being supportive but she's not saying much because she doesn't want to lose me (we have very similar attitudes, so we bump heads a lot).

What I want to tell you is if you truly love this man and you want to marry him, please don't let your family stop you. I really don't like it when people refuse to do what they want to keep their families happy, meanwhile, they're miserable themselves. If you don't want to wait, then don't! At the end of the day, it is YOUR happiness, YOUR love life, and not everything you do will satisfy everyone. Just please don't change your mind about marrying this man because of all the negative feedback. Stay strong!

Knottie51837731 · October 2014

Thank you all so much, reading through these is really helping. I had him read some of them and he agrees. We will wait at most 3 years, and then marry, but we have all this time now to save! And if it unfortunately, does not work out the positive is that we will have some extra cash, always trying to keep positive!

KatWAG · October 2014

Knottie51837731 said:

Thank you all so much, reading through these is really helping. I had him read some of them and he agrees. We will wait at most 3 years, and then marry, but we have all this time now to save! And if it unfortunately, does not work out the positive is that we will have some extra cash, always trying to keep positive!

If you are already planning for your engagement or marriage to fail, you arent ready to get married.

kipper88 · December 2014

My fiance and I got together when I was 18 and he was 24. Now we are 26 and 32 and he just popped the question. While I am not telling you to wait 8 years like we did, I think I am qualified to insert just a little here.

I am a completely different person now than I was at 18. I thought I knew everything at 18 and I didn't. Turning 18 doesn't magically make you any more of an adult than you were at 17. Your brain isn't fully developed and you're going to go through a LOT of changes the next few years. Why not just enjoy your relationship and take things sloooow? Don't rush into something you might regret later.

rachelia160 · December 2014

My FI and I have been together sine we were 18, and we're now 23 and 24, so I thought I'd comment since I was the age you are now when we got together, and I'm the age now that your parents think you should be when you get married.

We got engaged in 2013 and will be married in 2015, and let me tell you, there's nothing wrong with having a long engagement! My mom wasn't exactly over the moon about us getting engaged (not to an extreme extent--she still gave him permission with my dad, but just thought we were too young), but not having her 100% on my side was really stressful for me. Being engaged the past two years has really allowed us to grow not only as a couple, but as individuals too. We graduated from college, started great careers, and just bought a beautiful home (where he's living on his own until we're married). Even though I think we would have ended up okay if we had gotten married younger, our engagement period allowed us to come into our own and lay down a good foundation that will let our first years as a married couple a LOT easier than if we were still struggling through transitioning into "adult life." My mom is also now totally supportive and excited for us, because she watched us take our time and go about things maturely, which has made the wedding planning so much more fun!

So, my personal opinion would be to give it a few years. If you're meant to be, he's not going anywhere, and you can just take your time to figure things about. Plus, the time ends up FLYING by, and before you know it your wedding is six months away like mine!

lacqueredlover · December 2014

I couldn't imagine not being legally allowed to have a cocktail at my own wedding.

teddygirl9 · December 2014

lacqueredlover said:

I couldn't imagine not being legally allowed to have a cocktail at my own wedding.

Where I live, legal age is 18. Not everywhere is like the good ole US of A.

Knottie42853364 · December 2014

If you're in the US I'd wait until you can have champagne at your wedding (or get married in Canada).

On remarks about being young... I am 24 and FI is turning 30 next month. We own a house together. I STILL get the young remarks, even from folks my age. I don't it's possible to please everyone. People will criticize regardless, and you have to separate the folks who are criticizing out of legitimate concern and the folks who are criticizing because they are unhappy with their own lives. Ultimately, just go with what feels right to *you.*

I have a friend who married at 18. He and his wife went to college together and now have three kids (they are 24 now). People change a lot in college, but couples can indeed change together.

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