what to do?

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

levioosa said:

esstee33 said:

lc07 said:

OP, you can also plan a really lovely wedding in just a couple months.

True story. Especially an off-season wedding.

@levioosa Did you tell your parents?

I did, because I was venting to my Mom about all of the terrible ideas that were happening. I told her they decided not to do it though (since she decided not to do it after all). But also included in this shitstorm is the fact that she will be providing 100 chairs for 160 people, because she doesn't want people to sit down, she wants them to dance. The tables would be scattered inside and outside and on a balcony, there is no contingency plan for rain, she would assign seating for the elderly and the WP, but let everyone else fend for themselves, and she's expecting people to take turns sitting for dinner after going to the buffet.

She's a wonderful person, but this wedding is not showing her in the best light. I'm trying so hard to steer her in better directions so she doesn't look like an ass in front of her Fi's family, but we'll see.

This in and of itself isn't bad. My reception was in a historic mansion, and our seating was scattered throughout the 4 main rooms of the 1st floor, with a 2nd bar and additional seating in their wine cellar, and more seating outside. We also rented additional chairs to make sure there were plenty of seats no matter where people roamed.

We had food stations and no assigned seating, and the feedback we have gotten from almost everyone was that they really enjoyed how the reception was laid out, they felt more like they were at a huge family holiday party than a reception. But most of our guests are very extroverted and very social, so we knew this "mingling" style would work out just fine. For others, it might not, so I think it's a know your crowd thing.

However, you need to have a seat for every butt, and you have to consider any outdoor seating as a bonus, because if it rains, everyone will be inside and you need to make sure your venue can accommodate that.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

dallasbetch said:

You're going to have to make this decision based on what's most important to YOU. Anybody that isn't paying your bills or funding your lifestyle has exactly zero business worryin about your living situation. Although I will never understand why adults concern themselves with other adults' sex lives, maybe this is something you could think about - I think I've heard of priests asking co-habitating couples to sleep in separate rooms leading up to their Catholic wedding. If it's so important to your respective families, maybe this is something you could try. As an aside- I kind of understand your concern. My parents are divorced and after meeting his new wife, my dad got pretty religious. He told my mom during my freshman year of college that he would stop paying his portion of my tuition if I moved in with my then-bf (now FI). I did it anyway because it was the most practical thing for us and I believed my dad was bluffing. He was.

This, OP.

If you and your FI hold these strict religious views on premarital sex, cohabitation, and marriage, then I think you should be true to those beliefs and wait to move in together until you are married. . . in September 2015.

If you and your FI don't hold those strict beliefs, then move in together, and then get married next September. If you are old enough to be getting married, then you two both need to start learning how to set and maintain boundaries with your parents, and you need to learn not to let the worldviews of others affect your lives. Your parents might get bent ut of shape, lecture you on religious morality, the fate of your souls, threaten not to come to your wedding, etc.

So be it. Either they will all have a literal Come to Jesus moment and realize that passing judgement and fretting about your eternal souls is not their job in life- even your FFIL, the Pastor- or they will choose to act like self righteous asses.

I don't know about you, but ain't nobody got time for that!

ChemFanatic25 · December 2014

dallasbetch said:

You're going to have to make this decision based on what's most important to YOU. Anybody that isn't paying your bills or funding your lifestyle has exactly zero business worryin about your living situation. Although I will never understand why adults concern themselves with other adults' sex lives, maybe this is something you could think about - I think I've heard of priests asking co-habitating couples to sleep in separate rooms leading up to their Catholic wedding. If it's so important to your respective families, maybe this is something you could try. As an aside- I kind of understand your concern. My parents are divorced and after meeting his new wife, my dad got pretty religious. He told my mom during my freshman year of college that he would stop paying his portion of my tuition if I moved in with my then-bf (now FI). I did it anyway because it was the most practical thing for us and I believed my dad was bluffing. He was.

This. The only time where I respect the others out of concern for their views is if they are hosting us, well mostly just his parents. They are gracious enough to let us stay at their house, it's the least we can do. My SO's parents won't let us stay in the same room when we sleep at their house. That's fine. We have the option of renting a hotel or staying at a friends so it's not like they are holding us hostage. We respect that. Outside of that, naw, none of your business and I'll be sleeping at my SO's tonight because it feels right for both of us . . .err, technically he'll be sleeping at mine tonight but that's beside the point.

Edit: I say mostly just his parents because I don't know anyone else who does this so they're kind of my only example.

levioosa · December 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

levioosa said:

esstee33 said:

lc07 said:

OP, you can also plan a really lovely wedding in just a couple months.

True story. Especially an off-season wedding.

@levioosa Did you tell your parents?

I did, because I was venting to my Mom about all of the terrible ideas that were happening. I told her they decided not to do it though (since she decided not to do it after all). But also included in this shitstorm is the fact that she will be providing 100 chairs for 160 people, because she doesn't want people to sit down, she wants them to dance. The tables would be scattered inside and outside and on a balcony, there is no contingency plan for rain, she would assign seating for the elderly and the WP, but let everyone else fend for themselves, and she's expecting people to take turns sitting for dinner after going to the buffet.

She's a wonderful person, but this wedding is not showing her in the best light. I'm trying so hard to steer her in better directions so she doesn't look like an ass in front of her Fi's family, but we'll see.

This in and of itself isn't bad. My reception was in a historic mansion, and our seating was scattered throughout the 4 main rooms of the 1st floor, with a 2nd bar and additional seating in their wine cellar, and more seating outside. We also rented additional chairs to make sure there were plenty of seats no matter where people roamed.

We had food stations and no assigned seating, and the feedback we have gotten from almost everyone was that they really enjoyed how the reception was laid out, they felt more like they were at a huge family holiday party than a reception. But most of our guests are very extroverted and very social, so we knew this "mingling" style would work out just fine. For others, it might not, so I think it's a know your crowd thing.

However, you need to have a seat for every butt, and you have to consider any outdoor seating as a bonus, because if it rains, everyone will be inside and you need to make sure your venue can accommodate that.
--------------------WTF, Boxes-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, my issue with it was that it was clearly segregating some guests, all of whom are traveling for the wedding and who don't know each other (they travel a lot for work, so their guests are scattered throughout the States). At one point she said that she was expecting a lot of declines since it was a DW, and if she was within ten seats of fitting everyone, she would do assigned seating and just ask her FI's closest buddies to sit in the bar away from the wedding in order to make it work. Not quite the same situation that you had.

I also tried pointing out that not having assigned seating meant she should probably have even MORE chairs since people would be wandering around, but so far she is sticking to her plan of shorting it by sixty chairs. I really hope she rethinks it soon.

Edit: Boxes suck

BriannaRenee91 · December 2014

Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015... Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents. If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us.

So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

esstee33 · December 2014

BriannaRenee91 said:

Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015... Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents. If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us.

So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

Calling troll right the fuck now.

levioosa · December 2014

BriannaRenee91 said:

Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015... Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents. If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us.

So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

UGH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Seriously, do people just not read anything?

@Estee33 I really hope so

DaniBites · December 2014

esstee33 said:

BriannaRenee91 said:

Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015... Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents. If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us.

So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

Calling troll right the fuck now.

We have a winner!!

mikenberger · December 2014

BriannaRenee91 said:
Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015... Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents. If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us.

So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

You are the absolute worst ever.

OP- This is NOT how you do things. You do not lie and deceive your family just so you can wear a white dress that you've always dreamed of.

redoryx · December 2014

BriannaRenee91 said:

Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015... Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents. If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us.

So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

Here's the thing, though: by getting married ahead of your "actual ceremony" (which, by the way, you already had) you have already taken that away from your parents. The fact that they don't know you've taken that way from them only makes it worse because it means you're lying to them and going to continue to lie to them for the next year. If their feelings actually mattered to you, you would have waited so don't try and put a pretty dress on it to make yourself feel better about your choice.

So, golf claps to you. Please go away now. Kthx.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

I'm so tired of the military excuses for having a PPD. I hope we get better trolls in 2015.

mikenberger · December 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:
I'm so tired of the military excuses for having a PPD. I hope we get better trolls in 2015.

Its the fucking worst excuse ever. My brother and his wife spent 2 years long distance while he was stationed in Georgia (USA) and she was back at home. They wanted to wait until they 1- could afford a wedding and 2- they were married before she moved down there. And when my brothers deployment got moved up, they changed the wedding date and she still got her wedding day with the dress and everything. But to this day, "I would've married him in a courthouse and celebrated at pizza hut if that meant we were together." are her words.

Using the military excuse infuriates me. And its even more infuriating, to me, when its a member of the military using it. Such a cop out.

photokitty · December 2014

BriannaRenee91 said:

Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015... Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents. If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us.

So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

You mean "if it feels like the first time" you married this guy? Bc you already got married once before, so it's not like you deprived your parents of a wedding - you had a wedding to a different guy. Now you had a second wedding that you DID deprive them from attending.

Seriously, when I got divorced and remarried my feelings on the whole "dream wedding" gig were VERY different. The wedding didn't matter nearly as much as the marriage - the marriage you are pretending not to be in. My parents just wanted me to be happy in my marriage (which I blissfully am), not happy with one day of my life.

It's too bad you didn't learn more valuable lessons from your first marriage. I know I learned a wealth of knowledge form mine. I feel sorry for you and hope you learn some things this time around. GL!

thisismynickname2 · December 2014

Threadjack. If military folks get married (secretly) just to stay stationed together, wouldn't family have a clue that something happened? Oh, you don't have the same skills and not all bases require the same people, but magically you get the same orders? It seems suspicious. This is one secret that's not going to stay secret for long.

abbyj700 · December 2014

BriannaRenee91 said:

Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015... Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents. If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us.

So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

You are already married. Your parents missed the moment. And you LIED TO THEM. And everyone else. You should be ashamed of yourself.

MairePoppy · December 2014

BriannaRenee91 said:

Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015.... If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us. Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents
So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

Your parents don't know you're married? If my children got married and didn't tell me, I'd be very hurt. If they tried to stage a wedding to fool me, I'd be pissed.

My cousin and his wife were going to do this. They had set a wedding date and sent word for us to STD. A few months later the 'fiancee' moved to military housing. We knew right then they must have gotten married.Sure enough, they were keeping the marriage secret because they didn't want to upset the parents and grandparents who missed out on the wedding. Everyone was relieved when they came clean. We attended their 'celebration of marriage' (no ceremony), gave them a wedding gift and wished them well.

@BriannaRenee91, unless your parents are clueless people, they will figure out you're already married. They will be hurt to find out that you're going to great lengths to deceive them.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

@BriannaRenee91 I think you should read this thread: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1045424/another-reason-to-not-get-married-now-and-have-a-ppd-later/p1

Read it and see what happens when people discover that the family wedding they had atended was actually a sham, that the couple was already married. SPOILER ALERT- People get hurt and fucking pissed.

thisismynickname said:

Threadjack. If military folks get married (secretly) just to stay stationed together, wouldn't family have a clue that something happened? Oh, you don't have the same skills and not all bases require the same people, but magically you get the same orders? It seems suspicious. This is one secret that's not going to stay secret for long.

And this. If you come from a military family, they are certainly not stupid and they will figure it out.

mikenberger · December 2014

thisismynickname said:
Threadjack. If military folks get married (secretly) just to stay stationed together, wouldn't family have a clue that something happened? Oh, you don't have the same skills and not all bases require the same people, but magically you get the same orders? It seems suspicious. This is one secret that's not going to stay secret for long.

She obviously thinks her family is full of idiots. Asinine.

flantastic · December 2014

BriannaRenee91 said:

Do what you want to do girl. In my own opinion, it only matters that my parents don't get that "moment" taken from them. If you know what I mean. My Husband and I are both active duty and he was re-stationed at a base that's 30 minutes from mine (we both used to work at the same base in the same squadron) but I don't have the same qualifications as he does so I can't be stationed there. As it was, my orders were coming up in October and I would have been moved across the country and separated for 3 years from him. So we got married in July. Our actual ceremony for our family is in May of 2015... Our families don't know we are married; we aren't ashamed of it.. We just don't want to take that feeling from our parents. If it feels like the first time for them, that's all that matters to us.

So, if you want to move in wit your FI then do it. You don't HAVE to get married to do that, but if it makes you more comfortable then go for it. If you still want a day to show off you and your FI's vows and have a good time with family and friends to celebrate... Go for it. It's your marriage.

Girl, not only is this advice terrible, it doesn't even really apply to the OP. If the true concern is her parents' opinion of them moving in together before they're married, a secret wedding where they move in together but the parents don't know they're married accomplishes very little.

weddingcactus · December 2014

mikenberger said:

I'm so tired of the military excuses for having a PPD. I hope we get better trolls in 2015.
Its the fucking worst excuse ever. My brother and his wife spent 2 years long distance while he was stationed in Georgia (USA) and she was back at home. They wanted to wait until they 1- could afford a wedding and 2- they were married before she moved down there. And when my brothers deployment got moved up, they changed the wedding date and she still got her wedding day with the dress and everything. But to this day, "I would've married him in a courthouse and celebrated at pizza hut if that meant we were together." are her words. Using the military excuse infuriates me. And its even more infuriating, to me, when its a member of the military using it. Such a cop out.

This. I spent nearly four years apart from my fiance when he was in the military. Guess what? We made it work. It was hard, but now we're getting married (just once, one real actual wedding ceremony and legal binding). There are a lot of military couples who make a long distance relationship work so that they can have the relationship on their terms. I understand the desire to be together. I really do. Those years were tough. But you make your choices and you live with them.

MGP · December 2014

thisismynickname said:

Threadjack. If military folks get married (secretly) just to stay stationed together, wouldn't family have a clue that something happened? Oh, you don't have the same skills and not all bases require the same people, but magically you get the same orders? It seems suspicious. This is one secret that's not going to stay secret for long.

All of this, plus:

For couples who dont want to cohabitate before marriage - if they marry secretly to live together but wait for the PPD to appear married, how do they hide it from people in their social circle (you know, the people who are presumably their wedding guests)? Do they only meet up with them in public or in someone else's house?

For the couples who want to abstain before marriage - if they marry secretly just to be able to have sex, what happens if they get pregnant? Would love to be a fly on the wall when they are explaining that!

** I am not being judgy about other people's beliefs, it just seems exhausting to go to that lengths to put up such a facade. And selfish for wanting their cake and eating it too.

lightningsnow · December 2014

OP, my bf comes from a very old fashioned, Catholic family. However, since times have changed and one of his cousins had a child out of wedlock, their view points have changed. If that hadn't happened, I'm sure we would have heard a lot of flack for moving in together while we are still dating. Plusalso, bf stated he wanted to live with each other first before he proposes to me.

I agree with all PPs in is this your beliefs or theirs? Do what feels right to you. And you most certainly can cohabitate before getting married. Just do what feels right for you and your FI and not what your parents want.

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