Not sure how to bring this up about kids..

Re: Not sure how to bring this up about kids..

• mikenberger member

  

  February 2015

  sames52915 said:

  I'm not exactly sure how to bring this up for discussion, so hoping to get some suggestions. We aren't really having kids at the wedding, its not that we are having it adults only, we just didn't really invite them. The only kids that are invited are my three cousins (my grandma would disown me if they weren't there!) but they will be 17, 15 & 10 so they aren't that young. We also gave the option to his step sister & my MOH if they wanted their kids there. I let them know its 100% up to them if they want to bring them, but I really want them to be able to have a good time at the wedding. My MOH is leaving her youngest at home, and her 5 yr old is going to be the flower girl, and then get picked up after cocktail hour.  His stepsister didn't even let me finish my sentence, she said "hell no" and that she wants to party and the kids are definitely staying home.
  
  Right before Thanksgiving she texted me saying she thinks it would be cute to have the kids at the wedding and wants to bring them. The thing is, her kids are a little wild (there's 4 of them -1-6yrs) and they will most likely spend the entire night hanging all over their grandparents. My fiance obviously doesn't want this, and when his mother & stepfather found out the kids were coming they weren't happy at all. I gave her the option, so I obviously cant tell her that she cant bring the kids. I really don't mind them coming at all, I agree it will be cute seeing them all dressed up and dancing. But how do we say to her that the kids are welcome to come, but we don't want their parents having to basically babysit and miss the entire party? I don't want her to take it like his mom was talking behind her back, but she also cant broach the subject since I'm the one who told her the kids are coming. I also don't want her to think we are trying to guilt her out of bringing them, but I feel like we do need to bring it up somehow.
  

  So you gave her the option of bringing the kids and at first she said yes - no kids! And then changed her mind... I'm sorry, I think you're kind of stuck. It's up to your in-laws to say no to being a babysitter to the stepsister, not you.

  
  

  
  

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• flantastic member

  

  February 2015 edited February 2015

  sames52915 said:

  I'm not exactly sure how to bring this up for discussion, so hoping to get some suggestions. We aren't really having kids at the wedding, its not that we are having it adults only, we just didn't really invite them. The only kids that are invited are my three cousins (my grandma would disown me if they weren't there!) but they will be 17, 15 & 10 so they aren't that young. We also gave the option to his step sister & my MOH if they wanted their kids there. I let them know its 100% up to them if they want to bring them, but I really want them to be able to have a good time at the wedding. My MOH is leaving her youngest at home, and her 5 yr old is going to be the flower girl, and then get picked up after cocktail hour.  His stepsister didn't even let me finish my sentence, she said "hell no" and that she wants to party and the kids are definitely staying home.
  
  Right before Thanksgiving she texted me saying she thinks it would be cute to have the kids at the wedding and wants to bring them. The thing is, her kids are a little wild (there's 4 of them -1-6yrs) and they will most likely spend the entire night hanging all over their grandparents. My fiance obviously doesn't want this, and when his mother & stepfather found out the kids were coming they weren't happy at all. I gave her the option, so I obviously cant tell her that she cant bring the kids. I really don't mind them coming at all, I agree it will be cute seeing them all dressed up and dancing. But how do we say to her that the kids are welcome to come, but we don't want their parents having to basically babysit and miss the entire party? I don't want her to take it like his mom was talking behind her back, but she also cant broach the subject since I'm the one who told her the kids are coming. I also don't want her to think we are trying to guilt her out of bringing them, but I feel like we do need to bring it up somehow.
  

  You don't. You invited the kids, they're the parents, the kids are their responsibility, and you wouldn't get to dictate how they spend the party anyway. If the kids weren't there, but the parents wanted to leave right after dinner anyway, that would be their right. Just don't mention it. It'll be fine.

  ETA you mean the stepsister's parents? They can say no to babysitting on their own. Let them.
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  February 2015 edited February 2015

  Don't get involved in this, and do not say anything. If the grandparents have a problem having the kids foisted onto them during the wedding, they can speak up for themselves. 

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• sames52915 member

  

  February 2015

  I'm not trying to get out of having the kids at all. That isn't what I am saying. @flantastic, yes her father & my fiances mother. We all (my fiance, his mom/her dad, other siblings, myself) know exactly what will happen, because it always does  -the kids will want to spend the entire time hanging on their grandparents -who don't want that. BUT they obviously wont say that to little kids, and since they still haven't been told by her that the kids are coming can they bring it up? I guess that is my question -do I ask them to tell the stepsister how they feel, or do I somehow broach the subject? Because as I said, and so have all of you, that I invited the kids. So they can definitely come, I'm not trying to stop them. BUT everyone else is now taking it out on me and saying I somehow have to make it clear that if the kids come, it cant be expected that other people will just take care of them the whole night.
  

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• flantastic member

  

  February 2015

  sames52915 said:

  I'm not trying to get out of having the kids at all. That isn't what I am saying. @flantastic, yes her father & my fiances mother. We all (my fiance, his mom/her dad, other siblings, myself) know exactly what will happen, because it always does  -the kids will want to spend the entire time hanging on their grandparents -who don't want that. BUT they obviously wont say that to little kids, and since they still haven't been told by her that the kids are coming can they bring it up? I guess that is my question -do I ask them to tell the stepsister how they feel, or do I somehow broach the subject? Because as I said, and so have all of you, that I invited the kids. So they can definitely come, I'm not trying to stop them. BUT everyone else is now taking it out on me and saying I somehow have to make it clear that if the kids come, it cant be expected that other people will just take care of them the whole night.
  

  No, that's not on you. If other people want to make clear that they won't be babysitting, they can do it themselves - "I really think that you need to speak directly to A about your plans for the evening, if you're concerned they'll want to have you watch the kids a lot."
  

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• mikenberger member

  

  February 2015

  sames52915 said:

  I'm not trying to get out of having the kids at all. That isn't what I am saying. @flantastic, yes her father & my fiances mother. We all (my fiance, his mom/her dad, other siblings, myself) know exactly what will happen, because it always does  -the kids will want to spend the entire time hanging on their grandparents -who don't want that. BUT they obviously wont say that to little kids, and since they still haven't been told by her that the kids are coming can they bring it up? I guess that is my question -do I ask them to tell the stepsister how they feel, or do I somehow broach the subject? Because as I said, and so have all of you, that I invited the kids. So they can definitely come, I'm not trying to stop them. BUT everyone else is now taking it out on me and saying I somehow have to make it clear that if the kids come, it cant be expected that other people will just take care of them the whole night.
  

  You are borrowing trouble. Stay out of it. You and your FI invited the children, you cannot uninvite them. It's just like uninviting an adult. It's against etiquette. 

  
  

  And you also shouldn't be giving your FI's step-sister parenting advice. It's not your place to give.

  
  

  
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  February 2015

  I had a child free wedding, so I'm not insensitive to your situation. But a verbal invitation is an invitation. You invited them. You can't back out because you changed your mind.

  
  

  For lurkers - this is why it's really important to limit wedding talk and never extend verbal invites. Your feelings may change and if you've said too much, you don't have the flexibility to change it. 

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  February 2015

  Your FI (and him alone) needs to tell his mom and step-dad that THEY need to tell FSIL that they won't be babysitting at the wedding. If FSIL suddently hears from her dad that he/SM won't be watching the kids that night, she may re-consider bringing them.  And I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that I was being talked about behind their back either.  I would just think it was casually mentioned during a conversation about the wedding, not in a gossipy way.

  

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• rcher912 member

  

  February 2015

  Sounds like your in-laws have some bigger issues with babysitting than just your wedding. Your FMIL and FFIL need to stand their own ground, at your wedding and elsewhere, if they don't like the kids always hanging all over them.

  
  

  I'm sorry people are taking this out on you, it is so not your responsibility to govern the situation/behavior.

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• rcher912 member

  

  February 2015

  southernbelle0915 said:

  I had a child free wedding, so I'm not insensitive to your situation. But a verbal invitation is an invitation. You invited them. You can't back out because you changed your mind.

  
  

  For lurkers - this is why it's really important to limit wedding talk and never extend verbal invites. Your feelings may change and if you've said too much, you don't have the flexibility to change it. 

  Sorry for the double-post, I just wanted to at that OP (and FI) doesn't seem to mind, from what I can gather, that the kids are invited or coming. It's just the flak she's catching from the family. I agree that limiting verbal invitations is important, but in terms of verbally inviting people who will clearly be invited anyway ( like FSIL and family, with an extra mention of "but the kids are totally up to you!" esp when the kids are so young, seems fine to me).

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  February 2015 edited June 2015

  
  

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• sames52915 member

  

  February 2015

  @rcher912 thank you. and for everyone else, again...I AM NOT TRYING TO GET OUT OF INVITING THEM. The only thing I wish I could get out of right now is that I ever posted this. Unfortunately its being taken completely out of context.
  

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• ChemFanatic25 member

  

  February 2015

  sames52915 said:

  @rcher912 thank you. and for everyone else, again...I AM NOT TRYING TO GET OUT OF INVITING THEM. The only thing I wish I could get out of right now is that I ever posted this. Unfortunately its being taken completely out of context.
  

  
  Eh what? Everyone seemed very helpful.

  

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• lovesclimbing member

  

  February 2015

  sames52915 said:

  I'm not exactly sure how to bring this up for discussion, so hoping to get some suggestions. We aren't really having kids at the wedding, its not that we are having it adults only, we just didn't really invite them. The only kids that are invited are my three cousins (my grandma would disown me if they weren't there!) but they will be 17, 15 & 10 so they aren't that young. We also gave the option to his step sister & my MOH if they wanted their kids there. I let them know its 100% up to them if they want to bring them, but I really want them to be able to have a good time at the wedding. My MOH is leaving her youngest at home, and her 5 yr old is going to be the flower girl, and then get picked up after cocktail hour.  His stepsister didn't even let me finish my sentence, she said "hell no" and that she wants to party and the kids are definitely staying home.
  
  Right before Thanksgiving she texted me saying she thinks it would be cute to have the kids at the wedding and wants to bring them. The thing is, her kids are a little wild (there's 4 of them -1-6yrs) and they will most likely spend the entire night hanging all over their grandparents. My fiance obviously doesn't want this, and when his mother & stepfather found out the kids were coming they weren't happy at all. I gave her the option, so I obviously cant tell her that she cant bring the kids. I really don't mind them coming at all, I agree it will be cute seeing them all dressed up and dancing. But how do we say to her that the kids are welcome to come, but we don't want their parents having to basically babysit and miss the entire party? This is on the grandparents. 

  I'm afraid you can't say anything. If you say, "Hey, we really want the grandparents to have fun, so please make sure the kids aren't hanging all over them," it will likely come across as you telling them how to parent.  No parent likes that.

  I don't want her to take it like his mom was talking behind her back, but she also cant broach the subject since I'm the one who told her the kids are coming. I also don't want her to think we are trying to guilt her out of bringing them, but I feel like we do need to bring it up somehow.
  

  
  

  sames52915 said:

  I'm not trying to get out of having the kids at all. That isn't what I am saying. @flantastic, yes her father & my fiances mother. We all (my fiance, his mom/her dad, other siblings, myself) know exactly what will happen, because it always does  -the kids will want to spend the entire time hanging on their grandparents -who don't want that. BUT they obviously wont say that to little kids, and since they still haven't been told by her that the kids are coming can they bring it up? Yea, I suppose they can if the want. No one can stop them. But it likely won't go over well. I guess that is my question -do I ask them to tell the stepsister how they feel, or do I somehow broach the subject? You should stay out of it. It's not your problem. 

  
  

  Because as I said, and so have all of you, that I invited the kids. So they can definitely come, I'm not trying to stop them. BUT everyone else is now taking it out on me and saying I somehow have to make it clear that if the kids come, it cant be expected that other people will just take care of them the whole night. Again, it's not your problem, and other people shouldn't be making it your problem. If the grandparents or anyone else don't want to babysit, they need to simply refuse to babysit.  And if someone says "Hey, go tell SIL that they need to watch their own kids that night," change the subject. And if they persist say, "If you have problem with that, you'll need to broach the subject yourself. It's just not my place to tell her how to parent her kids."
  

  @sames52915, I see you said you're not trying to uninvite the kids, so I won't address that. My comments to your questions are in orange.

  
  

  Basically, it's up to the people who are being imposed upon to say so.

  
  

  At the wedding, if the kids are hanging all over the grandparents or anyone else, it's up to that particular person to say "Grandma/grandpa/cousin/auntie/insert-other-relative-here is trying to talk to the nice people, so please go do something else/find your mom and dad if you need something."  If grandma/grandpa/cousin/etc. can't do that, well, that's their problem - not yours.

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• theycallmelinz member

  

  February 2015

  I know I'm late to this but I wanted to add something that has really helped me in a sort of similar situation. Develop this mantra: "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

  
  

  My niece and nephew are monsters. They are 2 and 4 years old, and all they do is scream and cry. My FMIL is an angel, I really do love her, but she refuses to make her son, the children's father, take care of the kids. I used to try and help her out with them but then realized it was not my responsibility. That being said, my current wedding day plan is for FMIL to accompany me, my mom, and my MOH to do hair and makeup that day because she wanted to come and I'd love to have her. Maybe her son will take the little boy, the 4 year old, but I know my FMIL will be on baby duty all day with the 2 year old. I know the 2 year old is going to scream and cry like always and FMIL is probably going to end up missing out on hair and makeup stuff because she can't contain the 2 year old, but that's not my problem. (I would never ever say she can't come with us, I just know how she drops every thing to attend to the children's needs so when the baby starts crying, FMIL is going to leave with her). It's her issue to not make her son, the kids FATHER, take care of his kids, so she's the one that may or may not get to hang out care free and do fun girl stuff with us. Not my problem. 

  
  

  Develop this mantra, and you will be so much happier with all wedding planning. Trust me. Focus on what's important that day, that your guests are properly hosted and you are marrying the person you love.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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