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Siblings who don't like you...

What are your opinions on siblings in your wedding party, if they have made it very clear that they don't like you? 

My fiancee's brother, prior to our engagement, made it very clear he didn't like me and didn't approve of our relationship. Him and his fiancee are inseperable, while my fiancee and I have our own interests and while we love spending time together, if I have a girls night or if he wants to go see a movie I don't want to see, we will do things separate of each other. Apparently, his brother thinks this means we have a bad relationship. When fiancee would talk about a female coworker, his brother would make comments like "she seems nice, does she have a boyfriend?" and he would mock me and put me down behind my back to my fiancee.

His brother is his best friend. My fiancee has called him out on it repeatedly, but it doesn't seem to stop. My fiancee always thought his brother would be his best man, and he is best man in his brother's wedding. 

But I just can't imagine this person who makes my blood boil every time I think of him standing up for us at our wedding. Especially the one signing our marriage certificate. He doesn't like our relationship, why would he support it? 

Fiancee stands behind me on this, but I feel awful. Should I feel bad? Or is this right? 

Re: Siblings who don't like you...

  • In Response to Siblings who don't like you...:
    What are your opinions on siblings in your wedding party, if they have made it very clear that they don't like you?  My fiancee's brother, prior to our engagement, made it very clear he didn't like me and didn't approve of our relationship. Him and his fiancee are inseperable, while my fiancee and I have our own interests and while we love spending time together, if I have a girls night or if he wants to go see a movie I don't want to see, we will do things separate of each other. Apparently, his brother thinks this means we have a bad relationship. When fiancee would talk about a female coworker, his brother would make comments like "she seems nice, does she have a boyfriend?" and he would mock me and put me down behind my back to my fiancee. His brother is his best friend. My fiancee has called him out on it repeatedly, but it doesn't seem to stop. My fiancee always thought his brother would be his best man, and he is best man in his brother's wedding.  But I just can't imagine this person who makes my blood boil every time I think of him standing up for us at our wedding. Especially the one signing our marriage certificate. He doesn't like our relationship, why would he support it?  Fiancee stands behind me on this, but I feel awful. Should I feel bad? Or is this right? 
    Posted by agross913
    You don't get to choose who stands up for him. Just like he doesn't get to choose who stands up for you. Why does your FI insist on having a relationship with somebody who treats you so horribly?

  • In Response to Re: Siblings who don't like you...:
    In Response to Siblings who don't like you... : You don't get to choose who stands up for him. Just like he doesn't get to choose who stands up for you. Why does your FI insist on having a relationship with somebody who treats you so horribly?
    Posted by zitiqueen
    Well, it's his brother, and they live together, so it's pretty hard to cut ties. My fiance has made it clear to him that it needs to stop but cutting him out of our lives completely is not an option. 

    I'm not choosing who stands up for him, but I am expressing how I feel to him. I think it would be worse if I didn't say anything and held it in, and then blew up about it  later. We have learned that completely open communication always works best for us.
  • edited July 2012
    Well he needs to stand up for you. If he's not standing up for you now - you have other issues. There is no way my FI would tolerate a family member treating me this way. He needs to seriously talk to him. With that said, if he chooses to have him as his BM - that's his choice, but I dont know why he would want someone standing up for him who is so nasty to his future wife.
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  • In Response to Re: Siblings who don't like you...:
    In Response to Re: Siblings who don't like you... : Well, it's his brother, and they live together, so it's pretty hard to cut ties. My fiance has made it clear to him that it needs to stop but cutting him out of our lives completely is not an option.  I'm not choosing who stands up for him, but I am expressing how I feel to him. I think it would be worse if I didn't say anything and held it in, and then blew up about it  later. We have learned that completely open communication always works best for us.
    Posted by agross913
    Siblings or not, your FI should not tolerate this treatment of you.  Period.  Whatever he is saying to his brother isn't getting the point across and apparently he is fine with this - which is a bigger problem.  My one SIL had a rough entry into our family and it did not take long for my brother to pretty much lay it on the line that he loves her and if we can't respect that AND her, then he is done with being in our lives.  He was 17 at the time and right.  Since then, she's become the sister i never had.
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  • In Response to Re: Siblings who don't like you...:
    In Response to Re: Siblings who don't like you... : Well, it's his brother, and they live together, so it's pretty hard to cut ties. My fiance has made it clear to him that it needs to stop but cutting him out of our lives completely is not an option.  I'm not choosing who stands up for him, but I am expressing how I feel to him. I think it would be worse if I didn't say anything and held it in, and then blew up about it  later. We have learned that completely open communication always works best for us.
    Posted by agross913
    What your FI is making clear to his brother is that how he treats you is perfectly acceptable. Cutting him out of your lives is an option, but you don't rank as high as the brother does. Get used to a lifetime of coming in second to this guy.

  • Well, he told me beacuse I asked him. We had a long discussion where we talked about his brother's behavior towards me and I asked in no uncertain terms if he's said anything to my fiance about me and what it was. 

    We are sitting down with him and his fiancee to have a discussion on their behavior when they get back from a trip. I wrote down my points, my fiance wrote down his, and he said he will completely support me in what I say. But he said using an ultimatum of "do this or you're out of our lives" will not work- his brother is too immature and it will backfire. 

    And he agrees with me about him being his best man, and hasn't asked him yet. We're going to see if his behavior changes and go from there. But I just still feel so bad about the whole situation and that my fiance even has to make this choice. 

    Do you honestly think an ultimatum is the only way? 
  • pkontkpkontk member
    500 Comments
    I think your FI needs to have a good heart to heart with his brother.  Perhaps not ultimatum time yet, but the brother's behavior is unacceptable, and your FI needs to support you.
  • I think you should let him have his brother as his best man.  Why create another reason why is brother won't like you.  "I think you should be worried that there is even a choice TO make for your FI"...I disagree with this statement.   Family is important both your first family and your second family.  I would never require my husband to go against his family for me.  I instead would talk to him and try to figure ut the problems instead of making him choose.
    But, this is easy for me to say because I have never had a problem with his family and they were always welcoming.
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  • In Response to Re: Siblings who don't like you...:
    I think you should let him have his brother as his best man.  Why create another reason why is brother won't like you.  "I think you should be worried that there is even a choice TO make for your FI"...I disagree with this statement.   Family is important both your first family and your second family.  I would never require my husband to go against his family for me.  I instead would talk to him and try to figure ut the problems instead of making him choose. But, this is easy for me to say because I have never had a problem with his family and they were always welcoming.
    Posted by pretzelgrrl
    Once one gets married, you ARE (or, should be) the "first" family with your husband.  It's not a matter of choosing who should be the best man - it's a matter of her soon to be husband allowing anyone to disrespect her, especially family. 

    We went through this with my father and sister, both of whom were complete asshats to my H, even though he had been nothing but welcoming and respectful of them.  You know what?  I no longer have a father, nor a sister, and I'm OK with that.  What I was not OK with was allowing them to continue to abuse him the way that they did.  

    I'll tell you, OP, what I told them:  

    I don't expect you to ACCEPT my choice of mate, but I do expect you to RESPECT the fact that he was my choice.
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  • In Response to Siblings who don't like you...:
    What are your opinions on siblings in your wedding party, if they have made it very clear that they don't like you?  My fiancee's brother, prior to our engagement, made it very clear he didn't like me and didn't approve of our relationship. Him and his fiancee are inseperable, while my fiancee and I have our own interests and while we love spending time together, if I have a girls night or if he wants to go see a movie I don't want to see, we will do things separate of each other. Apparently, his brother thinks this means we have a bad relationship. When fiancee would talk about a female coworker, his brother would make comments like "she seems nice, does she have a boyfriend?" and he would mock me and put me down behind my back to my fiancee. His brother is his best friend. My fiancee has called him out on it repeatedly, but it doesn't seem to stop. My fiancee always thought his brother would be his best man, and he is best man in his brother's wedding.  But I just can't imagine this person who makes my blood boil every time I think of him standing up for us at our wedding. Especially the one signing our marriage certificate. He doesn't like our relationship, why would he support it?  Fiancee stands behind me on this, but I feel awful. Should I feel bad? Or is this right? 
    Posted by agross913
    well i have the same exact problem! My fiances brother hates me... when questioned why he simply says 'because'. but hes still my finaces brother and no matter what im going to respect his wishes. I do agree that he should not allow him to speak of you like that. theres a mutual respect that should be understood... you cant choose someones significant other but he needs to be respectful of the fact that his brother made a choice and that choice was you and its none of his concern beyond that. i would just accept your future hubbys choices (making you the better person) and kill it with kindness. because unless one of you is willing to squash the bug between you (even if the other chooses not to) you arent going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with your FI or your MIL or him at the very least. So just be pleasant and don't feed into his silly antics and remember that your finace is with you for a reason no one but the two of you have to like, understand, know, or care about those reasons. Be in love and have fun.... keep everything opena dn pleasant and who knows maybe you will eventually drop into that 'ill tolerate' you face sans the drama and highschool girl fights... good luck!!
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  • In Response to Re: Siblings who don't like you...:
    In Response to Siblings who don't like you... : well i have the same exact problem! My fiances brother hates me... when questioned why he simply says 'because'. but hes still my finaces brother and no matter what im going to respect his wishes. I do agree that he should not allow him to speak of you like that. theres a mutual respect that should be understood... you cant choose someones significant other but he needs to be respectful of the fact that his brother made a choice and that choice was you and its none of his concern beyond that. i would just accept your future hubbys choices (making you the better person) and kill it with kindness. because unless one of you is willing to squash the bug between you (even if the other chooses not to) you arent going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with your FI or your MIL or him at the very least. So just be pleasant and don't feed into his silly antics and remember that your finace is with you for a reason no one but the two of you have to like, understand, know, or care about those reasons. Be in love and have fun.... keep everything opena dn pleasant and who knows maybe you will eventually drop into that 'ill tolerate' you face sans the drama and highschool girl fights... good luck!!
    Posted by bgrjourney
    And by drama i mean the drama and fights caused by his obvious lack of maturity not by you... just wanted to clarify before someone snatched that up and went off lol
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  • DH and my brother don't get along.  Not even a little.  They both have personalities that can be a bit abrasive, and they rub each other in exactly the wrong way.  Initially my brother was going to be a groomsman, but the two of them got into some unbearably stupid drama on Facebook.  My brother and I had it out, and during the discussion, I made two things very clear:

    1) If you don't support my marriage and think it's a mistake, I fully understand if you don't feel comfortable standing up in support of it.
    2) Of course I'm going to automatically side with DH no matter what, he's my spouse.  If I got into a fight with your wife, I would fully expect you to side with her.  That's how this works.

    And he got it.  They made nice in a cursory way, and have been civil to each other ever since, which is all I require.  They don't have to be bestest best friends, but I'm not going to mediate playground fights.

    Not too long after that, I asked my brother if he'd be okay moving to my side.  I told him it was because I wanted to balance out the female friend on his side, but really it was to nip any further potential for drama in the bud.

    It should be a huge, huge red flag in your relationship that your FI isn't willing to put a stop to this behavior by whatever means necessary.  DH has always had a bit of a contentious relationship with his mother, and she had always hated any of his girlfriends.  But he made it very clear very early in our relationship that he wasn't going to tolerate that from her, and he didn't even tell her that he had a new girlfriend until he was calling to tell her we got engaged (she lives out of town, they didn't talk much then) so she was forced to get used to it.

    So yeah, I've been there, on both sides of it.  And I can tell you, definitively and without hesitation, that if we hadn't been willing to stand up for each other to our families, marriage wouldn't have even been on the table.
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  • Wow, thanks for all the good advice and support. I REALLY appreciate it. And it helps to know that I'm not the only one out there going through this. 

    I didn't get a chance to talk to him last night- but I'm glad I didn't because I got some more insight. 

    I've always been very close to all members of my family, so this is especially hard for me. I can't imagine not supporting family in any way they need. Which is why I don't want fiance to cut off ties with his brother- in my mind you just don't do that with family. It's also why I feel so bad about FI being in this situation. I just can't see it as a me or him thing, family is family.

    I'm hoping our conversation goes well and brother grows up and that final decision doesn't need to be made. 
  • I'm hoping our conversation goes well and brother grows up and that final decision doesn't need to be made.

    Well, the thing to remember with this is that, ultimately, you cannot control anyone else's reaction besides your own. I don't blame you for just hoping that the brother will grow up and stop being an _ass, but you can't bank on that.

    You can only talk to your fiance about how the two of you will handle things. So I would just talk to him and come up with a game plan for what happens if his brother won't knock off the crap and keeps saying stuff about you ... is your fiance going to cut him off completely? Only associate with him at family events with nothing more than small talk? Stick his head in the sand and pretend this isn't happening? You need to decide what you can live with for the rest of your marriage, so make sure you speak up NOW so that there aren't any surprises or misunderstandings down the line.

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  • In Response to Siblings who don't like you...:
    What are your opinions on siblings in your wedding party, if they have made it very clear that they don't like you?  My fiancee's brother, prior to our engagement, made it very clear he didn't like me and didn't approve of our relationship. Him and his fiancee are inseperable, while my fiancee and I have our own interests and while we love spending time together, if I have a girls night or if he wants to go see a movie I don't want to see, we will do things separate of each other. Apparently, his brother thinks this means we have a bad relationship. When fiancee would talk about a female coworker, his brother would make comments like "she seems nice, does she have a boyfriend?" and he would mock me and put me down behind my back to my fiancee. His brother is his best friend. My fiancee has called him out on it repeatedly, but it doesn't seem to stop. My fiancee always thought his brother would be his best man, and he is best man in his brother's wedding.  But I just can't imagine this person who makes my blood boil every time I think of him standing up for us at our wedding. Especially the one signing our marriage certificate. He doesn't like our relationship, why would he support it?  Fiancee stands behind me on this, but I feel awful. Should I feel bad? Or is this right? 
    Posted by agross913
    Just because someone stands up for you doesn't mean they have to sign your marriage certificate.  ANYONE who witnesses your wedding (yes, even a guest) who is over the age of 18 can legally sign your marriage certificate.
  • In Response to Re: Siblings who don't like you...:
    Wow, thanks for all the good advice and support. I REALLY appreciate it. And it helps to know that I'm not the only one out there going through this.  I didn't get a chance to talk to him last night- but I'm glad I didn't because I got some more insight.  I've always been very close to all members of my family, so this is especially hard for me. I can't imagine not supporting family in any way they need. Which is why I don't want fiance to cut off ties with his brother- in my mind you just don't do that with family. It's also why I feel so bad about FI being in this situation. I just can't see it as a me or him thing, family is family. I'm hoping our conversation goes well and brother grows up and that final decision doesn't need to be made. 
    Posted by agross913
    So you think that shared DNA is a perfectly valid reason to allow people to be treat each other like crap and also a perfectly valid reason to be a doormat?

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