The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.

mbgallag · August 2010

So...I have to say I get so annoyed with "proper" etiquette rules sometimes...especially when being proper amounts to making more of your guests unhappy.

For my wedding, my budget for hosting a bar is about $1500. I plan to put a cap on the hosted amount and once the cap is met it will turn into a "gasp!!" cash bar. I may even restrict the hosted bar to beer & wine so it last longer and the guests are on their own if they want to purchase hard liquor drinks.

I understand the IDEA of the etiquette rule that a cash bar is wrong...you wouldn't invite people over to your house and ask them to pay for drinks yada yada. But, if I'm at a wedding I would MUCH rather have the option to purchase an alcoholic drink than be restricted to no drinking. If I'm providing non-alcoholic drinks with dinner, it is my guests choice if they want to buy alcoholic drinks. Why is it so wrong to give your guests options?

I'm not saying charge your guests $5 at the door...it isn't a frat party, but I've had several friends rant to me about dry weddings and how they ended up bringing a flask, or (in the case of one wedding) a bunch of people running across the street to the store to buy a few bottles of jack daniels. I'm sorry, but for my wedding, the reception is going to be a fun, upbeat party, not a stuffy frou frou affair. I'm not going to cut everyone off and take the bar away because my wallet is maxed out. They can keep drinking if they choose to...and they don't have to run to the store for it!

M&R7111 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-rule-also-annoying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a6e7b73-4de6-4267-9462-b815a23929acPost:18255b10-c038-48cd-8808-fa093e549dea">The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.</a>:
[QUOTE]So...I have to say I get so annoyed with "proper" etiquette rules sometimes...especially when being proper amounts to making more of your guests unhappy. For my wedding, my budget for hosting a bar is about $1500. I plan to put a cap on the hosted amount and once the cap is met it will turn into a "gasp!!" cash bar.<strong> I may even restrict the hosted bar to beer & wine so it last longer and the guests are on their own if they want to purchase hard liquor drinks.</strong>

<em>I belive this is fine.

</em> I understand the IDEA of the etiquette rule that a cash bar is wrong...you wouldn't invite people over to your house and ask them to pay for drinks yada yada. But, if I'm at a wedding I would MUCH rather have the option to purchase an alcoholic drink than be restricted to no drinking. If I'm providing non-alcoholic drinks with dinner, it is my guests choice if they want to buy alcoholic drinks. Why is it so wrong to give your guests options? I'm not saying charge your guests $5 at the door...it isn't a frat party, but I've had several friends rant to me about dry weddings and how they ended up bringing a flask, or (in the case of one wedding) a bunch of people running across the street to the store to buy a few bottles of jack daniels. I'm sorry, but for my wedding, the reception is going to be a fun, upbeat party, not a stuffy frou frou affair. I'm not going to cut everyone off and take the bar away because my wallet is maxed out. They can keep drinking if they choose to...and they don't have to run to the store for it!

<em>I've been to cash bar weddings and found it annoying. I don't believe they are a major breech of etiquette.</em> <span style="font-style:italic;">There are some people who don't drink so this is not an issue for them. However, in tradition with my family, celebrations come with drinking, so at least hosted beer and wine is expected.</span> <span style="font-style:italic;">But I don't think having a cash bar will totally ruin your wedding - but some people will be annoyed.</span>

Posted by mbgallag[/QUOTE]

Birdie1483 · August 2010

I think your guests would appreciate having only beer and wine hosted for the entire night than have open bar for a certain period and then have to pay. If I were you, I would go that route. $1500 can go along way with just beer and wine.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · August 2010

We're doing a keg of beer that people can drink for free but if they want something else, they're paying.

I know lots of girls in here freak out about cash bars - but in my area, I've NEVER been to a wedding where you could just walk up, order a martini, and it was free. Everyone around here does cash bars, and I'm doing one, and I don't care what people on these boards say about it.

Do what you want. If people really want to drink, they'll pay. I think food or cake is pretty much a given but not everyone drinks. Plus I think free booze encourages people (at least where I live, and there's a big culture of drinking) to drink way too much.

LeeJane25 · August 2010

I think this is a great idea. Sure, you wouldn't have people to your house and charge them for drinks, but you wouldn't have 150 people over to your house, either. The fact that you're providing some alcohol is generous enough, and if people need to get loaded, they can do that on their own dime. You wouldn't offer lobster just because some people prefer it to steak, just as you wouldn't offer unlimited liquor just because some people prefer that to wine and beer. I think your plan is smart.

opalsky007 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-rule-also-annoying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a6e7b73-4de6-4267-9462-b815a23929acPost:f66f759b-4631-4061-af42-918f58cff474">Re: The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your guests would appreciate having only beer and wine hosted for the entire night than have open bar for a certain period and then have to pay. If I were you, I would go that route. $1500 can go along way with just beer and wine.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

My biggest problem with the cash bar/open bar thing is that people act so surprised that they're supposed to host. Like they've suddenly been let in on the fact that people might want to drink at their wedding. When you start planning, you should make a list of the people you want there, and then budget how you're going to provide for them. You figure out your cost per head for catering, you estimate how many centerpieces to figure out your flower budget, you figure out an invitation budget...why does the bar so often get left out of the discussion until the last minute?

You have to plan ahead for it. Too many guests to make the budget work? Cut the list. Can't cut the list? Cut the formality. You always have options, when you plan ahead.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2010

If people HAVE to have alcohol in order to have a good time...

twilight.rose · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-rule-also-annoying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a6e7b73-4de6-4267-9462-b815a23929acPost:fe8f935f-0dea-4f9c-894d-600bdbbe3f46">Re: The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The cash bar "rule" is also annoying. : Agreed. My biggest problem with the cash bar/open bar thing is that people act so surprised that they're supposed to host. Like they've suddenly been let in on the fact that people might want to drink at their wedding. When you start planning, you should make a list of the people you want there, and then budget how you're going to provide for them. You figure out your cost per head for catering, you estimate how many centerpieces to figure out your flower budget, you figure out an invitation budget...why does the bar so often get left out of the discussion until the last minute? You have to plan ahead for it. Too many guests to make the budget work? Cut the list. Can't cut the list? Cut the formality. You always have options, when you plan ahead.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

All of this. If providing alcohol is a priority, it should be decided at the onset of a couple's planning. It's no different, in my opinion, than deciding to spend more for a great photographer or designer dress. If having an open bar is important, that should be factored into the initial wedding budget, not left to the last minute.

My biggest issue with cash bars stems from the fact that they feel like an afterthought. I would honestly rather attend a well-thought out and well-organized dry reception than one with a cash bar, which, to me, seems like the couple forgot about alcohol until the last minute and try to make up for it by attempting to recoup their costs since it wasn't in the initial budget.

nda_roxybabe · August 2010

Oh, stupid etiquette..

banana468 · August 2010

IMO, if drinking is part of your social circles then providing it is part of your duty as a hostess. Not budgeting it when you plan is as silly to me as saying, "We were supposed to FEED our guests?"

There are so many ways to host people on a budget and I know that in some areas this is different. But the idea that somehow if I want a drink it should be on my dime when YOU asked me to be there irks me.

Goldlie11 · August 2010

I'm kind of curious why you even bothered to write this. Are you looking for validation?

If you don't want to be a proper host, then don't. Just know that you risk offending some (if not all) of your guests.

kellyjellybelly · August 2010

You find the cash bar 'rule' annoying, I find cash bars annoying, in any form.

shellydiane820 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-rule-also-annoying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a6e7b73-4de6-4267-9462-b815a23929acPost:4eae36e0-8ef5-46f0-bc73-b86207a4e0df">Re: The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.</a>:
[QUOTE]IMO, if drinking is part of your social circles then providing it is part of your duty as a hostess. Not budgeting it when you plan is as silly to me as saying, "We were supposed to FEED our guests?" There are so many ways to host people on a budget and I know that in some areas this is different. But the idea that somehow if I want a drink it should be on my dime when YOU asked me to be there irks me.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I agree completely.</div><div>
</div><div>I also want to add, the cap rubs me the wrong way too. If my friend gets a free drink, and then I go up there and have to pay. I would be confused and pissed.</div>

banana468 · August 2010

I hate when that happens too Shelly.

At a recent family wedding, I had had no cash, and DH ran out. He had to bum a few bucks off FIL because I asked him to get me a glass of wine at the bar 10 minutes after his was free.

eastunder1 · August 2010

I completely agree with you OP. But I also make people drop twenty bucks in a dish by my front door when I invite them over for dinner. So there's that.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-rule-also-annoying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a6e7b73-4de6-4267-9462-b815a23929acPost:3ea9374e-c0ac-4c75-98df-7cf79d600050">Re: The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely agree with you OP. But I also make people drop twenty bucks in a dish by my front door when I invite them over for dinner. So there's that.
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

True story. I had to do all the dishes because I showed up without any cash. If only East had put "cash required for entry" on the dinner invite.

quotequeen · August 2010

So in other words, you understand why the rule exists, but you just don't feel like following it because it isn't convenient for you. Do you want a cookie?

If people want to break "rules" that really don't affect anybody else, I don't particularly care. But when they want to break the rules about how to properly host your guests, I think they're selfish and care more about whatever elements of their party they chose to spend money on rather than budgeting appropriately for every element of hosting.

The fact that an open bar costs $X at your particular venue isn't an excuse, because you should have factored that in from the very beginning of your planning. If you can't afford your venue WITH all the alcohol that you intend to serve at your reception, then you can't afford your venue.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-rule-also-annoying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a6e7b73-4de6-4267-9462-b815a23929acPost:fe8f935f-0dea-4f9c-894d-600bdbbe3f46">Re: The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The cash bar "rule" is also annoying. : Agreed. My biggest problem with the cash bar/open bar thing is that people act so surprised that they're supposed to host. Like they've suddenly been let in on the fact that people might want to drink at their wedding. When you start planning, you should make a list of the people you want there, and then budget how you're going to provide for them. You figure out your cost per head for catering, you estimate how many centerpieces to figure out your flower budget, you figure out an invitation budget...why does the bar so often get left out of the discussion until the last minute? You have to plan ahead for it. Too many guests to make the budget work? Cut the list. Can't cut the list? Cut the formality. You always have options, when you plan ahead.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

<div>I completely agree. I see so many people say, "I simply can't afford to pay for everyone's alcohol." Well, you can pay for their food just fine, right? You can pay for your dress, and a limo, and yadda yadda. Find a way to pay for their alcohol. Maybe that means cutting the guest list in half, or nixing the limo or delaying the honeymoon. And no, I will not be offended if I'm cut from your wedding guest list. Because I understand weddings are expensive. And if I show up at a wedding of 250 people and see there's a cash bar, I'm going to be more offended.</div><div>
</div><div>Is a cash bar better than a dry wedding? You'll get mixed responses. Personally, I don't think anyone should resort to either a cash bar OR a dry wedding (unless the latter is for religious or personal reasons, or a venue requirement). If your guests want to drink at your wedding, host them. Most of us spend a year or more saving for our wedding. It's a pretty big party. And just like any other dinner or cocktail party, you provide everything your guests need. What a concept!</div>

temerityjane · August 2010

Yeah, seriously. What a stupid rule. Guests are adults, they should be prepared to pay. I mean, why should they expect a free ride at a party you invited them to? Stupid guests! Stupid politeness! It's all stupid! An etiquette board is a great place to get support for how stupid the basic rules of etiquette are!

red1115 · August 2010

I think providing beer & wine for the entire reception is more than acceptable.

If you feel you must provide hard alcohol, look into a consumption bar, where you only get charged for what's consumed vs $40/pp for everyone who attends!

Or instead of a fancy sit-down dinner, do heavy appetizers and a cocktail reception. Or shorter the time of the reception. There's tons of ways to work with your budget.

BTW - I pretty sure its bad form for a guest to BYOJack Daniels to a reception. LOL

I have to agree though that planning does relieve alot of stress. If its imporatnt to have it - plan & budget for it!

NuggetBrain · August 2010

Or, look for a site that allows you to BYOB. We saved a crapton of money on booze by booking someplace that let us bring in our own liquor instead of having to go through them. A full bar for 140 people for 6 hours was about $1,200. And we had booze left over.

zippityb · August 2010

I had a boozeapalooza wedding and paid $1200 total for my liquor. People drank as much as they wanted. I even took all the unopened stuff back and got about a third of my money back. Sorry boutcha.

psuxray07 · August 2010

I pretty much agree with you on the options thing...me, I would rather have the option to pay for drinks than no drinks at all. I wouldn't like a free beer and wine bar because, well, I hate beer and I hate wine. I only like liquor/mixed drinks.

Luckily for me, though, my mom offered to buy all the liquor for my wedding (smaller number of guests) in order to provide an open bar. My uncle offered to pay for 2 or 3 kegs of beer. I am so grateful for that! That was one of my big things, as a PP stated--one of the things I thought of in the very beginning because 1) I know my guests love to drink, and 2) My wedding is NYE.

I'm glad I don't have to deal with a lot of the etiquette troubles lol... it seems where I live now, a lot of people expected cash bar - one even said she would bring her own champagne for the midnight toast since I said it was open bar!!! I was like NO WAY!!! And most people told me to DO a dollar dance, as I guess it's common here, lol. I didn't know much about weddings anyway, since I've only been to 2 in my life.

kayla.tastikk · August 2010

I'm only going to do a cash bar because hardly any people on our guest list EVER have alcohol (like, 20-ish out of 200...), the venue charges $750 to close the bar, and I feel that if it's a cash bar, less people will drink, less people have the chance to be embarrassing...

rachael.baker · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-rule-also-annoying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a6e7b73-4de6-4267-9462-b815a23929acPost:86a250f2-2a62-4056-b780-3a8a9a722eee">Re: The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm only going to do a cash bar because hardly any people on our guest list EVER have alcohol (like, 20-ish out of 200...), the venue charges $750 to close the bar, and I feel that if it's a cash bar, less people will drink, less people have the chance to be embarrassing...
Posted by kayla.tastikk[/QUOTE]

oh yes, because worrying about embarrassing guests is what a wedding is all about. please. if you don't have the funds to have a complete open bar either find a venue that only has licensing for beer and wine, or do a beer and wine and signature cocktail only. but don't blame your poor planning on your guests.

awick14 · August 2010

I don't like the no cash bar rule either.

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a cash bar of some form.
The weddings I have been to either:
1) give the guest drink tickets for x amounts of drinks, after that it is a cash bar.
2) beer and wine only, hard liquor is cash bar.
3) wine for toasts only, the rest cash bar

We haven't decided yet but most likely will do either # 1 or 2. this is socialy acceptable in my area.

Noellesmama · August 2010

On the etiquette note...why is it ok for other grown women to belittle other grown women?

I know that the OP came on to an "etiquette" board and complained about said subject, but why make her feel like what shes planning is less than what you have. Because in reality that is what most of you are doing.

If she feels that offering a cash bar will work for her guests then so be it. If offering beer, and wine is best then go for it!

And trust me, cutting your guest list isn't always an option! Some families are bigger than others...and that includes aunts/uncles, 1st cousins, and their children. Sometimes, cutting people off the list is unacceptable with some families because they are pretty close. Because in my situation I did not have that option. I would never hear the end of it. And would most likely be black listed from close relatives. Some people would never be affected by being ousted by their family, but for me I would!

For MY situation we are offering beer/wine, sodas, tea, coffee and H2O...everything else is...WAIT for it wait for it....CASH BAR! I am hosting my guests the best way that I can and guess what I budgeted for it! No poor planning here.

All in all, I get ticked when I see people make others feel bad about themselves or what they have been planning for! Do not judge others, yo have NO idea what their stories are!

So go ahead ladies and bash on my post :-) I could not care less!

smokeybailey · August 2010

Inviting guests to an event that you are hosting and expecting them to pay for anything: booze, food, favors, etc. is poor etiquette. That's it. End of story. Maybe it's accepted in your area. Country clubs with restrictive member attributes are socially accepted in some areas too. That doesn't make them right.

And? I have my judgey pants on so I will judge whomever I want. Thank you and good night.

quotequeen · August 2010

People who think nobody should tell anyone else that what they're planning is poor etiquette and shouldn't be done really picked the wrong board to hang out on.

Bean32 · August 2010

I went to a wedding recently where guests were told to BYOBottle. At first I thought it was totally tacky, but it actually turned out great. It was the perfect reason to meet other guests and to visit other tables. Every table of 10 ended up bringing a bottle or two of liquor - which was way more than was needed to let everyone have drinks all night. Given a choice between that option and cash bar, I would rather bring my own than have to carry cash around all night.

banana468 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-rule-also-annoying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a6e7b73-4de6-4267-9462-b815a23929acPost:83165822-8833-4200-9a74-34e8d000e90f">Re: The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.</a>:
[QUOTE]On the etiquette note...why is it ok for other grown women to belittle other grown women? I know that the OP came on to an "etiquette" board and complained about said subject, but why make her feel like what shes planning is less than what you have. Because in reality that is what most of you are doing. If she feels that offering a cash bar will work for her guests then so be it. If offering beer, and wine is best then go for it! And trust me, cutting your guest list isn't always an option! Some families are bigger than others...and that includes aunts/uncles, 1st cousins, and their children. Sometimes, cutting people off the list is unacceptable with some families because they are pretty close. Because in my situation I did not have that option. I would never hear the end of it. And would most likely be black listed from close relatives. Some people would never be affected by being ousted by their family, but for me I would! For MY situation we are offering beer/wine, sodas, tea, coffee and H2O...everything else is...WAIT for it wait for it....CASH BAR! I am hosting my guests the best way that I can and guess what I budgeted for it! No poor planning here. All in all, I get ticked when I see people make others feel bad about themselves or what they have been planning for! Do not judge others, yo have NO idea what their stories are! So go ahead ladies and bash on my post :-) I could not care less!
Posted by Noellesmama[/QUOTE]'

Then plan the wedding in your budget if you can't cut. That means scaling back to having a wedding in a backyard casual picnic type atmosphere rather than in a larger reception venue.

There are tons of ways to save money on weddings - but from an etiquette perspective and the point of view of many, when you ask people to show up at an event you're hosting, it means you host all that's offered to your guests.

The cash bar "rule" is also annoying.

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