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My daughter - need advice

nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
100 Comments 25 Love Its
Ok my daughter is on her middle school team and lately she's been getting told how to play not by the coach. The girl that's telling her how to play is not the capital and my daughter is in the starting group. The coach supposedly doesn't hear any of this. My daughter is sitting here in tears. She doesn't want me to say anything to the coach or school because the girls would retaliate against her. She has scoliosis so she doesn't want straight she's hunched over and gets made fun if for that and how she runs. She's 14 and 5'9". The last thing I ever want my kids to go through is this, I tell her all he time Shea beautiful be proud of who she is. But I remember being 14 girls were mean then too. And honestly even in my late 30s some have never changed. But what can I do to help her feel better, and would you go to the school? I just want to help her
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Re: My daughter - need advice

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Ok my daughter is on her middle school team and lately she's been getting told how to play not by the coach. The girl that's telling her how to play is not the capital and my daughter is in the starting group. The coach supposedly doesn't hear any of this. My daughter is sitting here in tears. She doesn't want me to say anything to the coach or school because the girls would retaliate against her. She has scoliosis so she doesn't want straight she's hunched over and gets made fun if for that and how she runs. She's 14 and 5'9". The last thing I ever want my kids to go through is this, I tell her all he time Shea beautiful be proud of who she is. But I remember being 14 girls were mean then too. And honestly even in my late 30s some have never changed. But what can I do to help her feel better, and would you go to the school? I just want to help her
    I would not go to the school.  I would be really embarrassed if my mom had tried to tell other kids on my sports team how to treat me/ tell me how to play.

    I'd tell my daughter to stand up for herself, avoid the girl if she can, and just focus on playing on the field as well as possible.  If it crosses over into actual bullying, and you think it's getting dangerous for your daughter, that's when you talk privately to the coach.
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  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    Ok my daughter is on her middle school team and lately she's been getting told how to play not by the coach. The girl that's telling her how to play is not the capital and my daughter is in the starting group. The coach supposedly doesn't hear any of this. My daughter is sitting here in tears. She doesn't want me to say anything to the coach or school because the girls would retaliate against her. She has scoliosis so she doesn't want straight she's hunched over and gets made fun if for that and how she runs. She's 14 and 5'9". The last thing I ever want my kids to go through is this, I tell her all he time Shea beautiful be proud of who she is. But I remember being 14 girls were mean then too. And honestly even in my late 30s some have never changed. But what can I do to help her feel better, and would you go to the school? I just want to help her
    I would not go to the school.  I would be really embarrassed if my mom had tried to tell other kids on my sports team how to treat me/ tell me how to play.

    I'd tell my daughter to stand up for herself, avoid the girl if she can, and just focus on playing on the field as well as possible.  If it crosses over into actual bullying, and you think it's getting dangerous for your daughter, that's when you talk privately to the coach.

    That's what we've been talking about this whole time too.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    If she doesn't want you to say anything, stay out of it.
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  • edited February 2015
    As hard as it might be, and as much as you want to help, resist the urge to 'helicopter parent.' Learning how to deal with situations like this on her own now is the only way your daughter will be able to learn how to deal with them in the "real world" after high school. You won't be able to show up and talk to her boss if she's having a hard time at her job in the future (I suppose you could, but nobody at her office would ever respect her) and you won't be able to handle social issues for her in the "real world" so this is the time for her to learn how to deal on her own, so she's prepared when those situations arise later on in life. It sucks, but this is the time for her to grow, learn, and develop a thick skin.

    The best thing for you to do to help her is just be there for her, and continue to tell her how much you love her. She's lucky to have a mom who cares so much! 

    I hope things get better for her. Middle school girls can be so catty and awful. 

    Edit: middle school, not high school. Woopsies
    --

  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    Have you talked to the doctor about helping her with her scoliosis? She may need a back brace. Her long-term back health seems like the bigger issue here than a couple of mean kids.

    She gets seen every 6 months, but because it's in her upper back she can't be braced because if the vital organs. I have scoliosis on but mine is in lower back and wasn't diagnosed until after both kids were born. I've had one small surgery and maybe headed for 2nd. I wish that she didn't get it too. If the curve doesn't change they will continue to watch it unless it gets worse then we have to possibly go down the surgery road
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2015
    Do not go to the school unless you feel your daughter's safety is in question.  Right now, it isn't.
    Your daughter needs to learn to stand up for herself or she will continue to be a target for the mean girls.  Have her practice with role playing.

    Mean girl:  You are -----------.
    Daughter:  Really?  Do you think so?
    Mean girl:--------------
    Daughter:  You're kidding!  You think my back is crooked?  I never noticed.  Why, does it bother you?
    Mean girl------------
    Daughter:  Wow!  I am lucky to have you for a friend!  After all, YOU are perfect in every way.
    Mean girl---------
    Daughter:  Oh!  When were YOU appointed team coach?

    My son had facial ticks and sometimes body jerks in middle school and high school.  We had to intervene once when he was physically attacked.  (The kid was expelled..)  Other than this, he learned to verbally spar so well that nobody wanted to mess with him.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    CMGragain said:
    Do not go to the school unless you feel your daughter's safety is in question.  Right now, it isn't.
    Your daughter needs to learn to stand up for herself or she will continue to be a target for the mean girls.  Have her practice with role playing.

    Mean girl:  You are -----------.
    Daughter:  Really?  Do you think so?
    Mean girl:--------------
    Daughter:  You're kidding!  You think my back is crooked?  I never noticed.  Why does it bother you?
    Mean girl------------
    Daughter:  Wow!  I am lucky to have you for a friend!  After all, YOU are perfect in every way.
    Mean girl---------
    Daughter:  Oh!  When were YOU appointed team coach?

    My son had facial ticks and sometimes body jerks in middle school and high school.  We had to intervene once when he was physically attacked.  Other than this, he learned to verbally spar so well that nobody wanted to mess with him.

    I like this I'll work with her on this. I know it's fun to stop those in their tracks when they think they can get the upper hand.
  • Ditto PP's question on if her scoliosis being managed by a doctor or physical therapist. I was diagnosed with mild scoliosis (no brace, no noticeable hunching - forget what the degree of curvature was) in middle school, but did visits with a physical therapist to streghten back muscles. I got all sorts of self-care plans to do exercises at home which always helped as well.

    Otherwise, I would absolutely not go down to the school. You will make everything worse and likely accomplish nothing. I'd do some reading on how to support your a through these rough years and encourage her to stand up for herself.

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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2015
    I agree with PPs that I wouldn't go to the school at this point. Give her advice, listen to her, let her know to tell you if she needs more than that. Middle school is hard, harder than high school in my experience. I feel for her.

    I don't agree that you don't need to intervene unless physical safety is a concern, which is the vibe I'm getting from some of the posts in this thread. Bullying can get to a point emotionally, without any physical violence, where intervention needs to happen. But from your post, I'm still not sure you're there yet.


  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its

    I agree with PPs that I wouldn't go to the school at this point. Give her advice, listen to her, let her know to tell you if she needs more than that. Middle school is hard, harder than high school in my experience. I feel for her.


    I don't agree that you don't need to intervene unless physical safety is a concern, which is the vibe I'm getting from some of the posts in this thread. Bullying can get to a point emotionally, without any physical violence, where intervention needs to happen. But from your post, I'm still not sure you're there yet.
    Thankfully it's not even close to physical. More just verbal from what she was telling us tonight.
  • She said she doesn't want you to say anything, so don't. Unless you think she's in danger. Which it sounds like she's not. It sounds like any normal high school. Her options are to stick it our and stay on the team or find something else to do. Let her make the choice.
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Do NOT say anything. My mom loved to intervene by calling parents, despite my begging her not to, and it made the bullying ten times worse.

    Just comfort her and teach her to let it go. I learned to ignore people, and she can too.

    doeydo
  • I also agree with PP about not saying anything unless her safety becomes an issue.

    Unfortunately kids are mean. That's nothing new. Your daughter needs to learn how to fight her own battles with this one. She is going to be faced with dealing with difficult and mean people her entire life. 
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  • Please don't intervene particularly at this age my mum was all up for intervening and I'm sure although would never say this to her made it worse also I feel my mum did it as she was more upset than I was really
    this girl will grow up - or hopefully grow a massive nose spot soon enough and it'll stop
    is it possible that the girl just doesn't understand "why" your daughter is the way she is?
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2015
    As for the scoliosis, an orthapedic surgeon I saw years ago for mine (I have more of an extreme for my age c shape instead of an s shape) told me to do exercises that strengthen my core to support my spine.  I just started seeing a new chiropractor that has had a lot of success with treating (not curing, of course) scoliosis.  He comes at it with a whole body kind of thinking because the spinal cord has nerves coming out that affects pretty much everything in your body, and a lot of people don't really think about that.  I'm just trying to help, I am sure you are very concerned about her spine and her overall health and doing everything you deem necessary. 
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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your daughter needs to learn how to confront challenges and difficult situations NOW, on her own. I get the impression you haven't learned that yet, and we might not all be here in 20 years to help her with everyday issues.
    Ditto ditto ditto. 

  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I don't know how this turned into a bullying discussion, because "telling her how to play" is not bullying.

    Her getting made fun of seems like a separate issue. Either way, stay out of it or it will get worse.
    Fran1985
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Also, don't you have an ex-husband to discuss these sorts of things with?
  • "Thanks for your opinion."

    It's a shame that your daughter is in tears over this and I understand your desire to help her, but being a former teenager yourself try to remember how at 14, things that would now make you roll your eyes and say, "Okay, whatever," get overblown to the point where they seem WAY more important than they are. If you get involved, you're sending the message that it's as big a deal as it seems to her, and it isn't.
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  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Tell your daughter to stick up for herself. It is so important to teach young women to be their own best fighter. There isn't going to be someone to hold her hand and fight for her throughout adulthood. she needs to do that for herself and at 14, she should be able to by now.

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  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    Also, don't you have an ex-husband to discuss these sorts of things with?
    I asked her this morning if she has ever talked to her dad about any of the things they talk to us about, and she told us that they have tried but that they don't believe what she is saying. 

    I'm not going to go to the school unless it gets physical, I just want some tools to help her through it. 
    I have told her to stick up for herself and to not let what others say bother her, but sometimes my telling her this doesn't always get through her teenage brain. 

    She was skyping with her friend last night and I was telling her what about some of the things that were suggested on here, her friend agreed too. 
    I'm just hoping that she listens and takes the advice.
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Also, don't you have an ex-husband to discuss these sorts of things with?
    I asked her this morning if she has ever talked to her dad about any of the things they talk to us about, and she told us that they have tried but that they don't believe what she is saying. 

    I'm not going to go to the school unless it gets physical, I just want some tools to help her through it. 
    I have told her to stick up for herself and to not let what others say bother her, but sometimes my telling her this doesn't always get through her teenage brain. 

    She was skyping with her friend last night and I was telling her what about some of the things that were suggested on here, her friend agreed too. 
    I'm just hoping that she listens and takes the advice.
    No no no, I'm talking about YOU discussing the "what should I/we, as parents, do about this situation?"  type questions with him, her other parent. If you're truly concerned and not sure what you should/can do, he is the first one you should be talking to.
    flutteringinflplainjane0415theartistformerlyknownasesstee33
  • nhultberg461nhultberg461 Henderson, NV member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    Also, don't you have an ex-husband to discuss these sorts of things with?
    I asked her this morning if she has ever talked to her dad about any of the things they talk to us about, and she told us that they have tried but that they don't believe what she is saying. 

    I'm not going to go to the school unless it gets physical, I just want some tools to help her through it. 
    I have told her to stick up for herself and to not let what others say bother her, but sometimes my telling her this doesn't always get through her teenage brain. 

    She was skyping with her friend last night and I was telling her what about some of the things that were suggested on here, her friend agreed too. 
    I'm just hoping that she listens and takes the advice.
    No no no, I'm talking about YOU discussing the "what should I/we, as parents, do about this situation?"  type questions with him, her other parent. If you're truly concerned and not sure what you should/can do, he is the first one you should be talking to.
    I haven't done that yet, because it's not him that would be answering or helping her. Any time I have asked for him to help with these types of situations, it backfires on both kids. Basically my ex husbands current gf says that kids are lying and that it's all in their minds and doesn't help in any way. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Also, don't you have an ex-husband to discuss these sorts of things with?
    I asked her this morning if she has ever talked to her dad about any of the things they talk to us about, and she told us that they have tried but that they don't believe what she is saying. 

    I'm not going to go to the school unless it gets physical, I just want some tools to help her through it. 
    I have told her to stick up for herself and to not let what others say bother her, but sometimes my telling her this doesn't always get through her teenage brain. 

    She was skyping with her friend last night and I was telling her what about some of the things that were suggested on here, her friend agreed too. 
    I'm just hoping that she listens and takes the advice.
    No no no, I'm talking about YOU discussing the "what should I/we, as parents, do about this situation?"  type questions with him, her other parent. If you're truly concerned and not sure what you should/can do, he is the first one you should be talking to.
    I haven't done that yet, because it's not him that would be answering or helping her. Any time I have asked for him to help with these types of situations, it backfires on both kids. Basically my ex husbands current gf says that kids are lying and that it's all in their minds and doesn't help in any way. 
    So why do you not call him directly to discuss this? 

    ashley8918huskypuppy14
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