is it rude?

ellebear22 · January 2013

My Fiance and I have been living together for over a year. We have all the essentials for a place, everything is pretty much brand new (cookware, serving-ware, silverware) everything. Instead of my bridesmaids throwing me a bridal shower, would it be rude if I asked them to chip in together and take one wedding cost and pay for that, such as the invites or favors (both are under $100). This would help both my fiance and I out with the cost of the wedding.
My fiance and I do not have alot of money, so our wedding is going to be simple and elegant. We are having a small wedding of 50-60 people. Neither of us have family helping us pay for anything.

AddieCake · January 2013

Yes, that would be very rude. You cannot ask people to contribute to the cost of your wedding.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ac65dbf-3bc9-4c3e-b0d2-26c334a793e8Post:90f6851f-2d34-45a6-a513-15e1d45c06d2">Re: is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, that would be very rude. You cannot ask people to contribute to the cost of your wedding.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

This. Wedding expenses are for you to pay-not to request as gifts.

reisnersr · January 2013

A shower isn't about giving money, its about the celebration and spending time with you.

ellebear22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ac65dbf-3bc9-4c3e-b0d2-26c334a793e8Post:970a63dd-3762-429b-81b0-b4b0595eac5b">is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]My Fiance and I have been living together for over a year. We have all the essentials for a place, everything is pretty much brand new (cookware, serving-ware, silverware) everything. Instead of my bridesmaids throwing me a bridal shower, would it be rude if I asked them to chip in together and take one wedding cost and pay for that, such as the invites or favors (both are under $100). This would help both my fiance and I out with the cost of the wedding. My fiance and I do not have alot of money, so our wedding is going to be simple and elegant. We are having a small wedding of 50-60 people. Neither of us have family helping us pay for anything.
Posted by ellebear22[/QUOTE]

I should add that the bridesmaids are insisting on throwing me a shower. I feel that it is not necessary, I am not saying they have to throw me a shower, I am also not saying they need to pay for anything. I was just asking that if it is rude If I say save the money they would have spent on a shower and put it towards something that would actually be beneficial.

mlg78 · January 2013

If you can't afford favors, don't have them. We're not. There are always cheaper versions of invites. There are ALWAYS ways to save money. What you're asking to do is unbelievably rude.

SmallenForever · January 2013

So rude. And even if they did it, how much would $100 really help towards your budget? If your budget is that tight, then maybe the wedding isn't a good idea. Also, if your budget is that small, get rid of the favors.

amymaysa · January 2013

Yes, it is rude to do what you are asking.

If you really do not want a shower, then you need to explain that to your bridesmaids.

ellebear22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ac65dbf-3bc9-4c3e-b0d2-26c334a793e8Post:50cdff06-624b-4715-ab65-d23325dce3b1">Re: is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is it rude? : I get that you don't want them to waste money on a shower, but it's rude to ask other people to pay for your wedding. If they insist on giving you a shower, I think it would be okay to suggest that the funds be redirected to a nice girls day out or something.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]
I have asked them to redirect the funds... I said cant we just go get nails done, have a dinner something else, but they keep saying no. They feel that a shower is an important part of the wedding, where as I completely disagree, its a fun part but not so important to me. I was only asking because they are also complaining about how much the shower is costing them. It is a bit of a sticky situation, I was not expecting anyone to pay for anything. BUT since our budget is smaller, I figured that saying save your money and put it towards something that we can use, wouldnt be so bad. I have not asked anyone to pay for anything or chip in for any costs.

ellebear22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ac65dbf-3bc9-4c3e-b0d2-26c334a793e8Post:28f0d3ea-df05-4e02-a61b-63ada65a490c">Re: is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]So rude. And even if they did it, how much would $100 really help towards your budget? If your budget is that tight, then maybe the wedding isn't a good idea. Also, if your budget is that small, get rid of the favors.
Posted by SmallenForever[/QUOTE]

Yes we have a small budget, it is big enough to pay for everything we are going to have... My question was more towards the fact that they are also complaining about the costs of the shower, in place of the shower they could save their money and put it towards something else. $100 dollars can go along way if you know how to spend it :)

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

It's rude to ask them to basically give you a different gift. That's what you are doing. I understand you never demanded a shower, but it's rude to ask them to basically reallocate that gift. Just think of it this way: if a friend wanted to buy me a gift certificate for a pedicure, and I said, "No, actually I don't need a pedicure; I would rather a mall gift card" that would be rude. Because it is a GIFT that they are voluntarily giving you and you don't have the right to say, "Actually I don't want your gift, I want this gift instead."

If you truly don't want a shower it IS fine to politely decline it but then you stop. You don't decline it and then say "But here's what you can buy me instead."

allychase · January 2013

Ehhh I find it suspicious you waited til after you got flamed for the rude suggestion that all the sudden your BMs are complaining about the cost of the shower. If this is true, next time they complain about the cost of the shower, feel free to remind them you didn't want one to begin with.

You also can't dictate how they spend their money. If they're choosing to put it towards a shower, then so be it. If they wanted to help you pay for your wedding, they'd offer to do that. They aren't looking for a donation box to send their unused money to, trust me. You don't need to guide their spending.

I've also been living with my FI for a year. We have plenty of household essentials. And you can always find a few things to register for. Steam mop, new blender, servingware, wine glasses, etc. Since your wedding is only 50-60 people, I can't imagine your shower being more than 20-30 people. Therefore, you don't need a huge registry.

melb2013 · January 2013

I suggest that you firmly decline the offer of a shower. Explain that you don't want one and you don't need any of the things that are typically given at showers as gifts. It's as simple as that.

ellebear22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ac65dbf-3bc9-4c3e-b0d2-26c334a793e8Post:14d109c2-cf98-42ef-9fd4-1b5feecf4356">Re: is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ehhh I find it suspicious you waited til after you got flamed for the rude suggestion that all the sudden your BMs are complaining about the cost of the shower. If this is true, next time they complain about the cost of the shower, feel free to remind them you didn't want one to begin with. You also can't dictate how they spend their money. If they're choosing to put it towards a shower, then so be it. If they wanted to help you pay for your wedding, they'd offer to do that. They aren't looking for a donation box to send their unused money to, trust me. You don't need to guide their spending. I've also been living with my FI for a year. We have plenty of household essentials. And you can always find a few things to register for. Steam mop, new blender, servingware, wine glasses, etc. Since your wedding is only 50-60 people, I can't imagine your shower being more than 20-30 people. Therefore, you don't need a huge registry.
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

                I posted the question in hopes of peoples response and suggestions, wouldnt have posted it otherwise. My bridesmaids have been complaining to me since earlier this afternoon about the costs of the bridal shower, to which my reply is I have already said I do not need nor want one. One bridesmaid in particular told me to have more maids in the party so the cost isnt so much for them to bare. I was trying to brain storm ideas in general that I could suggest which included a girls pampering day, dinner, so many other things as well,
       They were also saying they want to do/ get me something that helps me or that I can use. I truly do not need anything that is materialistic. When we moved in we had so much stuff that was doubled, we donated our boxed/ unused items to family members that had lost everything in Hurricane Sandy. I have refused to sign up for any kind of gift registry.
       I have put my "foot" down tonight and had said we dont need gifts, we do not need a shower, anything of that sort is up to you, I also said I did not want to hear their complaints about this. If they have to spend money figure out something that is going to be affordable that everyone can do...

misssunshine17 · January 2013

Just don't have a shower. No asking for paying for anything for the wedding. Don't register. If people ask, just say that you're saving for X. They'll get the hint.

allychase · January 2013

Well they sound really annoying and obviously don't realize a shower doesn't have to cost that much money to begin with, I'm not sure what they're trying to plan.. But as PP have said, if you don't want a shower make it firm that you don't. To me it sounds like they're going to do what they want anyway, which.. hopefully your nearest and dearest respect you enough to not go against something you clearly don't want.

Btw these ideas you're brainstorming, is this in place of a bridal shower or suggestions for a bachelorette party? Because it sounds like ideas for a bachelorette party. Maybe they could take those ideas you (unknowingly) rudely suggested they give you as alternatives to a shower and throw you a nice B party instead. Obviously you can't tell them to, but here's hoping. They can take the money and put it towards something you'd all enjoy.

Simply Fated · January 2013

You already told them that you don't want or need a shower. If they're continuing to throw you one that they can't afford, then that's their fault, not yours.

amyjbear · January 2013

My family really really wanted to throw me a shower, but since we are having a small ceremony (20 people), I insisted that we did NOT have one as it would be against etiquette. We ended up doing a "girls night out dinner" at a restaurant instead and those who wished to brought gifts even though I was adamant that they not bring gifts. It was nice to see everyone and spend time with family and only cost those who chose to come the cost of their dinner.

sweet1792 · January 2013

Actually, I don't think it's rude at all. Why should it be rude that you are asking your friends to put the money they were going to spend toward a shower toward something beneficial? If I was asked to do that, I would certainly give the bride like $50 or something. It may not be a huge amount, but at least it would help. At my wedding, I basically already have everything, so I'm just going to ask for money if anyone wants to give me a present.

jenferian · January 2013

You asked so I'll answer: yes, it is rude.

I also would be offended if my friends complained about the cost of the shower.

Asking people to help pay for your wedding is rude in general, IMHO.

misssunshine17 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ac65dbf-3bc9-4c3e-b0d2-26c334a793e8Post:a5f698a4-810f-4efe-b5ff-70cf951a9d3b">Re: is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, I don't think it's rude at all. Why should it be rude that you are asking your friends to put the money they were going to spend toward a shower toward something beneficial? If I was asked to do that, I would certainly give the bride like $50 or something. It may not be a huge amount, but at least it would help. At my wedding, I basically already have everything, so I'm just going to ask for money if anyone wants to give me a present.
Posted by sweet1792[/QUOTE]

<div>Honey, you do realize that this is the etiquette board?</div>

libby2483 · January 2013

In Response to Re:is it rude?:[QUOTE]Actually, I don't think it's rude at all. nbsp;Why should it be rude that you are asking your friends to put the money they were going to spend toward a shower toward something beneficial? nbsp;If I was asked to do that, I would certainly give the bride like 50 or something. nbsp;It may not be a huge amount, but at least it would help. nbsp;At my wedding, I basically already have everything, so I'm just going to ask for money if anyone wants to give me a present. Posted by sweet1792[/QUOTE]

You must be joking. Here is why it is rude. Imagine you offer to throw a close friend a birthday party. You plan to have 10 people over for dinner, make a cake, get a few decorations, etc. You are excited to celebrate with friends Then, the person who you are throwing the birthday party for says, actually, can you just give me all of the money you were going to spend making dinner and the cake so I can buy myself a new whatever? I imagine you would feel quite awkward and upset that your efforts were not appreciated.

AddieCake · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ac65dbf-3bc9-4c3e-b0d2-26c334a793e8Post:a5f698a4-810f-4efe-b5ff-70cf951a9d3b">Re: is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, I don't think it's rude at all. Why should it be rude that you are asking your friends to put the money they were going to spend toward a shower toward something beneficial? If I was asked to do that, I would certainly give the bride like $50 or something. It may not be a huge amount, but at least it would help. At my wedding, I basically already have everything, so I'm just going to ask for money if anyone wants to give me a present.
Posted by sweet1792[/QUOTE]

<div>FFS. Like others have already pointed out, it's like someone going to give you a gift and you saying, "Nah, I don't want that. Give me the money instead." Can you not see how tacky and inappropriate that is? </div>

allychase · January 2013

In Response to Re:is it rude?:[QUOTE]Actually, I don't think it's rude at all. nbsp;Why should it be rude that you are asking your friends to put the money they were going to spend toward a shower toward something beneficial? nbsp;If I was asked to do that, I would certainly give the bride like 50 or something. nbsp;It may not be a huge amount, but at least it would help. nbsp;At my wedding, I basically already have everything, so I'm just going to ask for money if anyone wants to give me a present. Posted by sweet1792[/QUOTE]

Hmmm your first post is exactly what OP wants to hear. Leads me to believe this is OP. hi, OP.

wittykitty14 · January 2013

I don't recommend asking them to contribute to the cost of your wedding. They're in the wedding because they're your friends, right? Not because you were expecting them to pay. If you ask, you may damage the friendships.

Your bridesmaids are complaining about the cost of a shower that you don't want. That's a tough situation. It sounds like no matter what, they're going to throw one anyway. My advice would be to politely reinforce that they don't need to go "all out" for a shower. There are definitely ways to throw a great party without spending tons of money. Heck, for my rehearsal dinner, we're having a cookout in my mom's backyard. It's good for the budget, and we'll have a lot of fun. I'm sorry you have to listen to them complain. One of my pet peeves has always been when people complain about things that they have complete control over, which sounds like the case here. You can ask them to drop all shower conversation, but it may not work. It sounds like they just don't want to listen to you. There's only so much you can do. Best of luck to you!

SJM7538 · January 2013

If you don't need or want a shower but They're insisting to throw you one still I would suggest a small personal shower. I did this for my sister... It was the two of us, her bridal party and a few of her close friends. We did it at my house, had pizza and wine and played games. Some girls bought her lingerie others didnt. It was more like a fun, girls night in and it cost me about 200 and she loved it.

SJM7538 · January 2013

Good point. I totally respect that. It doesn't even have to be a Lingerie shower or any type of gift giving event. I was just throwing ideas Out there for alternatives that the bms could Do since they seem so adamant and asking them to contribute to weddin costs is rude.

ellebear22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ac65dbf-3bc9-4c3e-b0d2-26c334a793e8Post:aad053e9-30aa-493e-a617-300f41765cd9">Re: is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well they sound really annoying and obviously don't realize a shower doesn't have to cost that much money to begin with, I'm not sure what they're trying to plan.. But as PP have said, if you don't want a shower make it firm that you don't. To me it sounds like they're going to do what they want anyway, which.. hopefully your nearest and dearest respect you enough to not go against something you clearly don't want. Btw these ideas you're brainstorming, is this in place of a bridal shower or suggestions for a bachelorette party? Because it sounds like ideas for a bachelorette party. Maybe they could take those ideas you (unknowingly) rudely suggested they give you as alternatives to a shower and throw you a nice B party instead. Obviously you can't tell them to, but here's hoping. They can take the money and put it towards something you'd all enjoy.
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

As for the bachelorette party: All the girls, as well as my self are against a traditional bachelorette party (bars, clubs- of any kind is not really our scene anymore), We are going wine & cheese tasting on the east end of long island at the vineyards... We are renting a limo and each being picked up.
I'm sure I will get slack for this but I asked my guests instead of buying gifts, throwing parties or anything like that, I would like them to donate any funds they would have spent on my fiance and I to my fiance's grandparents who lost all of their belongings to hurricane sandy.

ellebear22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2ac65dbf-3bc9-4c3e-b0d2-26c334a793e8Post:94f43189-6a65-4527-ad6e-16df8335566a">Re:is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:is it rude?: Hmmm your first post is exactly what OP wants to hear. Leads me to believe this is OP. hi, OP.
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

OP? I am not quite understanding. I am not sure who or what OP is , but this is not OP. My real name is Danielle.

is it rude?

Re: is it rude?

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