Wedding Woes

Fear and grief are very hard to manage

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
edited February 2015 in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
My family recently learned that my wonderful father-in-law has a very aggressive, incurable form of brain cancer. He had surgery to remove the bulk of the tumor and has lost the ability to perform many basic skills like driving and reading. He is currently undergoing radiation and chemo, which the doctors say may give him anywhere from six months to two years to live. My father-in-law is 88 years old and has been very healthy and active up to this point. He says he has lived a good life and wants to have as much fun as possible in the time he has left. My in-laws live just a few blocks from us, so we have become very involved in their daily lives. My husband is very close with his father and is devastated by this turn of events. He immediately began researching various cancer treatments and has tried to convince his parents to adopt an ultra-healthy diet. My in-laws enjoy a nightly martini and eat white bread and prepared foods. Despite bombarding them with supporting evidence, studies, videos, books, and every other persuasive technique possible, they are adamant that the whole thing just sounds like hocus-pocus. My husband takes his mother shopping and scrutinizes every single item she buys. When we eat together, he says things like, “Mom, if you want to eat that, it’s fine, but Dad shouldn’t because it will kill him.” I tried to explain to my husband that his parents are adults and we cannot make them do anything, and he responded that he would never forgive himself if he does not “take this issue to the mat.” What should I do?

—End of Life Issues

Re: Fear and grief are very hard to manage

  • You know, people are going to do what they want to do. Period.
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  • I understand where the husband is coming from, but he needs to find a better outlet than harrassing his parents to death (pun intended).  Maybe some counseling or a support group could help. 
  • It IS a bunch of hocus pocus.  Leave the man alone and let him drink his damn martini.

    I do understand where her husband is coming from.  It's a hard line to walk looking for any answers that might work and change the story.  He needs to find a support group.
  • Seriously @varunatt...You are on the jinxing game this week.  ;) 
  • A's mom did *not* want her to do chemo.  She wanted her to explore other options (I think through Cancer Treatment Centers of America).  I was at her very first chemo session and there was a shit-ton of tension between her, her mom, and her mom's H at the time (they were starting to split up). Poor A ended up having a massive panic attack and needed an ativan to calm down. 

    That shit is fucking hard as hell.  I was on the peripheral of all of it...I can't imagine being in the center. 

    (Her mom did pull my parents aside at my wedding and commended me for being so amazing to A and her.  I seriously stood in a corner and tried to look anywhere but at the people in the room.) 
  • pmeg's voice of reason is very hard to poop all over.
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  • I've always said that the reason I didn't want to do pediatric nursing is because I didn't want to deal with the parents of young children. What I didn't expect was that the families of end-stage cancer patients are just as bad. We have times when the patient and doctor decide on hospice and the family members lock the hospice nurse out of the house because they refuse to believe that the patient actually needs hospice care. It's horrible.

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