S/O: Living on your own

[Deleted User] · February 2015

-Did you/your SO live on your own? If not, do you wish you had?

We both have. I lived with roommates at the end of college and first part of grad school, then bought a house 5 years ago and have lived here alone ever since. BF was married previously (and had taken the parents-college dorms-first wife living path), but after the divorce he lived alone, and how he spends most of his time in various foreign countries. I've been financially independent (for the most part...I was unemployed for a period) since I was 18.

-What good things came from living on your own? What sucked?

I learned how to be an adult. I was able to work out for myself a lot of things and spend time getting to know myself. What sucked: As I've mentioned on the boards before, I have bipolar disorder...living alone during a depressive mood swing is the absolute worst. I'm lucky in that I live in the same town as my parents, so if I need to be with people I can go over there.

-Would you date someone who had never lived on his/her own before? If so, under what circumstances?

At this point...no. I can only think of one exception: if he had older parents and someone needed to be at home to keep an eye on them. Mr. H is 16 years older than me, so I'm pretty cognizant these days of the challenges that come with having aging parents.

-By what age do you feel someone should move out of their family's home?

Mid-twenties, or, when they get married. I agree with @labro that people who are married have no business living with their parents.

-How do you feel about working adults who live with family until they can afford a house (instead of "throwing away money" on rent or similar philosophies)?

Ehhhhhh..."budget better" is my gut response. But i'm a lot more forgiving of people who have recently graduated from college and are working in entry-level jobs than of someone who is far out of college, working full time and making decent money, and living at home (probably that opinion was colored by my ex-boyfriend, who was living with his parents 10 years after graduation).

-Do you consider living with roommates to be living on your own?

I do. I prefer not to live with roommates anymore, but I learned a lot about myself when I did have them.

poegirlsmores · February 2015

Personally, I think these are all extremely culturally dependent questions, so I want to start out by saying I don't believe I have the "right" answers. I only have the rights answers for me and what I've seen of those around me.

-Did you/your SO live on your own? If not, do you wish you had?
My SO lived on his own for about a year (give or take) before we moved in together. I moved from my parent's house to my college dorm rooms, to in with my SO.

-What good things came from living on your own? What sucked?
If you are one to consider dorm-room living as living "on your own", I would say I very much enjoyed forming my own habits away from parents. For example, how clean I wanted to keep everything, if I would eat 3 full meals or dinner plus snacks, etc. There wasn't much bad about being away from my family, as I visited (and still do visit) them often. Dorm-room living is interesting in that you have your own responsibilities away from parents, but you're also shoved into a tiny space with the same person for long periods of time, and I can't say I enjoyed that, but it taught me a lot about living with a partner.

-Would you date someone who had never lived on his/her own before? If so, under what circumstances?
(It's hard to answer because I can't imagine dating anyone but my SO.) I will say that I very much wanted my BF to live on his own before we moved in together. Not because I believed it is necessary or any sort of "right of passage" but just because I wanted him to feel that freedom before we settled in together. I didn't want us to move in together, eventually get married and have him thinking "I've never in my life been on my own."

-By what age do you feel someone should move out of their family's home?
It's all circumstantial in my opinion. If a person is working and contributing to the household, I don't see a reason for them to ever need to leave, as long as everyone involved is okay with that. If the person refuses to work and isn't making anything of themselves, then I think counseling should be implemented to get them supporting themselves and out on their own. In general, if I have to give it a number, I would say anywhere between 18-25 is when I think people should be, at least working toward, making that step.

-How
do you feel about working adults who live with family until they can
afford a house (instead of "throwing away money" on rent or similar
philosophies)?
More power to them. If their parents are fine with it, who am I to judge? But it also depends, as most things do. Are they contributing to the household? Or are they leaching, still requiring their parents to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. Context matters more than anything.

-Do you consider living with roommates to be living on your own?
I don't consider living with roommates any more like "living on your own" than living with a SO. That being said, I think it's pretty clear I don't think it is always necessary to live on your own at all. There are plenty of cultures where living on your own is atypical, where a person usually lives with their parents until they are ready to marry, and I think the way everyone refers to living on your own as a requirement is a bit disrespectful to those cultures and those people. I don't see why anything you need to learn from living on your own can't be learned while living with a partner as well.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2015

CLoGreenEyes said:
-Did you/your SO live on your own? If not, do you wish you had?
My current SO and I do not live together. There are many reasons but here are a couple. We've only been dating 11 months. I'm not ready to live with someone else just yet. I actually like living on my own. He's allergic to cats and dogs (I have a dog) and they cause him anxiety. He has made amazing progress with my pup but he still has to go into my room to get away from her sometimes. She is very affectionate. Because of this I don't think we'll be living together for a while, unless my ex takes our dog. He absolutely loves her and my job is more demanding so he's contemplating doing it if he can find an apartment that allows dogs. Until then I'm not giving her up and my SO is not asking that I do.

In terms of my ex, where I live is not expensive but it's not exactly cheap. We moved in together right after college and I would not have been able to afford rent on my own with my pay. I still believe I matured greatly even though I was living with him because I took care of most of the bills and dealings with the landlord. I was pretty independent when I started college and that carried over.

-What good things came from living on your own? What sucked?
I like having control of things. I know that sounds terrible but it's nice having my own place. My family used to always fight. I could not go into my room, which i shared with my sister, without someone following me and screaming. I did not have a safe haven for probably the first 19 years of my life (19th year I was attending community college and commuting. I moved on campus my sophomore year). Even now, I have panic attacks if I cannot go to my apartment or feel I don't have a place of solace. I recently had some incidents happen at and around my apartment. I live in a questionable area (cheaper rent) and I was starting to freak out because I didn't feel safe going home. That caused a lot of stress for me because I did not have that safe haven anymore. I don't count my boyfriend's house because it's not mine. The con of living alone is things aren't cheap so I can't live in a nicer neighborhood and work on paying off my students loans and whatnot. If there was combined finances I could find a nicer place to live.

-Would you date someone who had never lived on his/her own before? If so, under what circumstances?
No, probably not. I think there is a certain amount of independence of moving out of your parents' home and you gain some form of maturity. You don't get that until you have actually lived on your own.

-By what age do you feel someone should move out of their family's home?
That is not up to me. I moved out as soon as could because of the unhealthy toxic atmosphere that I called my home. Some people want to save up for a house. I see no problem with that though I do judge if you're not helping somehow financially while living there and have a job. I feel you're then taking advantage of who ever is letting you live there.

-How do you feel about working adults who live with family until they can afford a house (instead of "throwing away money" on rent or similar philosophies)?
See above answer.

-Do you consider living with roommates to be living on your own?
I had a roommate for a little while between my ex moving out and now. It was nice. I felt safer and more at ease. I still took care of all the bills because she was only staying there for a semester. When I was in college I paid my share of the bills directly to my landlord as did my other roommates. I consider that living on your own.

CLoGreenEyes said:

ChemFanatic25 · February 2015

ChemFanatic25 said:

CLoGreenEyes said:
-Did you/your SO live on your own? If not, do you wish you had?
My current SO and I do not live together. There are many reasons but here are a couple. We've only been dating 11 months. I'm not ready to live with someone else just yet. I actually like living on my own. He's allergic to cats and dogs (I have a dog) and they cause him anxiety. He has made amazing progress with my pup but he still has to go into my room to get away from her sometimes. She is very affectionate. Because of this I don't think we'll be living together for a while, unless my ex takes our dog. He absolutely loves her and my job is more demanding so he's contemplating doing it if he can find an apartment that allows dogs. Until then I'm not giving her up and my SO is not asking that I do.

In terms of my ex, where I live is not expensive but it's not exactly cheap. We moved in together right after college and I would not have been able to afford rent on my own with my pay. I still believe I matured greatly even though I was living with him because I took care of most of the bills and dealings with the landlord. I was pretty independent when I started college and that carried over.

-What good things came from living on your own? What sucked?
I like having control of things. I know that sounds terrible but it's nice having my own place. My family used to always fight. I could not go into my room, which i shared with my sister, without someone following me and screaming. I did not have a safe haven for probably the first 19 years of my life (19th year I was attending community college and commuting. I moved on campus my sophomore year). Even now, I have panic attacks if I cannot go to my apartment or feel I don't have a place of solace. I recently had some incidents happen at and around my apartment. I live in a questionable area (cheaper rent) and I was starting to freak out because I didn't feel safe going home. That caused a lot of stress for me because I did not have that safe haven anymore. I don't count my boyfriend's house because it's not mine. The con of living alone is things aren't cheap so I can't live in a nicer neighborhood and work on paying off my students loans and whatnot. If there was combined finances I could find a nicer place to live.

-Would you date someone who had never lived on his/her own before? If so, under what circumstances?
No, probably not. I think there is a certain amount of independence of moving out of your parents' home and you gain some form of maturity. You don't get that until you have actually lived on your own.

-By what age do you feel someone should move out of their family's home?
That is not up to me. I moved out as soon as could because of the unhealthy toxic atmosphere that I called my home. Some people want to save up for a house. I see no problem with that though I do judge if you're not helping somehow financially while living there and have a job. I feel you're then taking advantage of who ever is letting you live there.

-How do you feel about working adults who live with family until they can afford a house (instead of "throwing away money" on rent or similar philosophies)?
See above answer.

-Do you consider living with roommates to be living on your own?
I had a roommate for a little while between my ex moving out and now. It was nice. I felt safer and more at ease. I still took care of all the bills because she was only staying there for a semester. When I was in college I paid my share of the bills directly to my landlord as did my other roommates. I consider that living on your own.

CLoGreenEyes said:

Sorry, can't get rid of the "CLoGreenEyes says" for some reason, but yeah, that's my post :-P

IonaErebor · February 2015

-Did you/your SO live on your own? If not, do you wish you had?
Both of us lived alone for quite a long time before we moved in together.

-What good things came from living on your own? What sucked?
The freedom was great, as was proving to people that I was fully capable of living by myself, and realising that I had been pretty self-reliant for a couple of years before hand anyway.

I missed by family quite a lot, because although they didn't live far away, I didn't have a whole lot of time to go home. Other than that, it was great.

-Would you date someone who had never lived on his/her own before? If so, under what circumstances?

Probably not, no. Maybe this is harsh, but I think if anyone is near enough my age to date and who had never lived alone, there would probably be some kind of problem I wouldn't be wanting to deal with.
-By what age do you feel someone should move out of their family's home?
I was 19, and most people I know where 17-21. I think once you hit your mid twenties, you're probably needing to leave.

-How do you feel about working adults who live with family until they can afford a house (instead of "throwing away money" on rent or similar philosophies)?
I think people worry too much about buying a house. Putting a roof over your head is not "throwing away" money.
-Do you consider living with roommates to be living on your own?
I think it depends on who you are living with. I lived with friends for the first three years after I moved out, which was almost like living with a lower-income family, then for two years I lived with a new set of strangers every six months, which was entirely different. And then I lived completely alone, which was entirely different again. But yes, generally I do.

untouchablets · February 2015

-Did you/your SO live on your own? If not, do you wish you had?
I do, BF does not but did for his senior year of college, then moved back home. He's getting his second undergrad degree and paying for it out of pocket so he is staying at his parents until he graduates.
-What good things came from living on your own? What sucked?
I am the oldest of seven kids and always lived in a cramped space with little privacy and lots of noise. Now, I have some peace! I live in New York now and my family in Minnesota, so I'm here by myself and have been for the last four years. I can navigate and figure things out without being coddled. I'm very independent so I like that. What sucks is that I don't get paid enough to afford living alone, so I have a roommate and I really love her but making ends meet for both of us is tough at times. Again with the figuring things out. And the first time I got really sick here I cried for like two days cause I had to take care of myself. My Bf's mom has been a true lifesaver in the motherly figure category.
-Would you date someone who had never lived on his/her own before? If so, under what circumstances?
Our current ones. He's paying for college out of pocket and doesn't work full time and I don't make enough money to support myself, much less two people. I live on my own out of necessity and to protect my sanity.
-By what age do you feel someone should move out of their family's home?
I made the decision to move out when I was 19, but I think as long as someone has a job and does more than just sit at home all day they can live at home as long as they're comfortable. BF's sister is 27, single, has a career, a second job in her field, and a busy social life and lives at home, and I think that's fine.
-How do you feel about working adults who live with family until they can afford a house (instead of "throwing away money" on rent or similar philosophies)?
Around here it's almost stupid to live alone, it's very expensive and difficult to live comfortably so it makes sense until someone's ready to move in with an SO or roommates. Otherwise you better be making a huge salary. I think if you can afford rent, you should move out whether or not you can buy a house because there are so many things to learn about being on your own and supporting yourself.
-Do you consider living with roommates to be living on your own? Yes, I've never not had roommates and there's still bills to be paid and responsibilities to be had.

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