Wedding Woes

Moms and weddings

So it's slow-ish here, and I leave in 5 min. so I decided it was too late to start something new at work.  So I was lurking on Etiquette and saw this:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1052539/how-would-you-handle-this

I used to read these and think "MOBs be crazy, yo" even though my own mom wasn't very crazy at all, thankfully.  But now that I have a couple of kids, this behavior is just inexcusable and incomprehensible to me.  Especially when the MOBs have some sort of vision that everything else gets sacrificed to.  Maybe Wooz trained me early when she started picking out her clothes at 18 mo., but I feel like if she wants to marry a dude or a woman and wants to do it on the beach or in our backyard or even [gulp] in a church*, hey, be happy, here's some $$.  You know?  Maybe I'm just not wedding-y enough, but I just don't feel personally invested in other people's decisions.  I guess if DH and I were footing the bill and she wanted a floral arrangement that spelled out "FUCK YOU MOM & DAD" then we'd have problems.  But she wants German food and I don't really care for German food?  It's one night of my life, I'll hit the bread basket and get some schnitzel.

Maybe it's easy for me to say when my kids are still little, and maybe we'll have all sorts of baggage by the time they're old enough to marry.  But even the MOG posts--"I keep inviting her to wedding things and she says no, do you think she thinks I'm taking her little boy away?"  Fuck no, if he's an actual little boy then you can't marry him, and after that it's his call. 

Maybe I don't love my kids enough, maybe I'm lazy, but assuming no one is trying to do anything illegal or immoral (e.g. cash bar), if she's happy and he's happy, I don't give two figs about food stations vs. plated meals or whatever.

* I wouldn't try to talk Wooz out of a church wedding if that's what she and her FI wanted, but at the same time, I don't see that happening.  Aside from us not raising her religious, that child has a fierce anti-authoritarian streak that seems wildly incompatible with organized religion or military service.  But who knows?    

Re: Moms and weddings

  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2015

    IMO in reading that post, it's one for posting here instead of the etiquette boards... 

    That said - the problem isn't just the parents indecisiveness and the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing.  She needs to start going shopping with her Mom first instead of looking at pictures online to make decisions.  When Mom's credit card comes out, then the issue is forced. 

    I was also accused of being "cheap" in our planning.  My IL's were of means and I didn't want to be perceived as a "gold digger" in any way..  Looking back I should have shut my trap and taken the money, but really, I kid you not, my (now late) father-in-law made an entire building at work spit coffee out their nose because they heard him utter words no one had EVER heard in the 40 years they'd been in business "I don't want her to make me look cheap"...  But, she needs better communication plain and simple.

  • These parents are cheating them out of some precious times and memories when they take over their kids weddings.  It was an amazing experience each time one of my girls got married.  I come from a family that thinks anything more than a JOP is a waste of money.  I on the other hand fell in love with the whole wedding thingy when I got my Barbie Bride.  I always wanted my kids to have the weddings of their visions since it was such a war with my first wedding.

    It really is simple: 

     Me:  Honey, this is the budget I can offer for your wedding.  We want to gift the wedding to you so we want to sign the contracts and pay the vendors you want.

    Them:  Thank you!

    Me:  You need to follow the commandments for a hosting properly.  Seat for every butt, food appropriate for the time of day, no one opens their wallet, etc.  You good with that?

    Them:  Of Course!

    Me:  Here are the rules of engagement (planning, not being engaged); I show you something and say I think it is nice or pretty.  You look at it and say, "Yeah, I don't think so Mom" and we move on.  You can say no and I won't be offended.

    Them:  Done.

    Not my wedding, not my guest list.  I hate it when I see parents take over and disregard what the couple wants.

  • Totally agree with all the responses. 

    But also remember that the people who are getting married in their early to mid-20's these days are coming from the generation of helicopter parents.  I would bet that the OP's mom has acted like this in one manner or another the OP's entire life.  

    I'm 10 years, give or take, from this stuff.  (The kiddo thinks he'll be married by 24. When he said that, I almost burst out laughing because the idea is preposterous now, because he's a 14 year old kid...with all the decision making capability of a 14 year old...which is questionable, at best. And also, I'm too young for all that. ;) )  I can't imagine my feelings on not being overbearing will change. My parents were very easy going with wedding stuff.  They helped a lot with decision making and financially, but we didn't have wildly different ideas on having a wedding.   I just hope I can get along with my FDIL and they let me see grandbabies a lot. (And typing that sentence just made me cringe, LOL.)
  • Since my ILs hosted, I gave them pretty much free reign over what they wanted. there were a few things that they liked that i was like, "NMS, can we pick something else?" (and they were fine with that) but for the most part, they let us pick what we wanted, and then just added to it. (Sometimes a lot - we felt bad and were trying to save them some money.)

    I honestly think they didn't want us to pay for our own wedding because we were 23 (when we got married - 22 when we were planning), straight out of college, supporting ourselves 100% and saving to buy a house - they knew we weren't going to throw a blowout $25K party, and they wanted to be able to throw the big party and invite all of their friends. I was ok with that and appreciated their contribution. My parents didn't chip in for the wedding, but gave us a very generous gift that we could apply towards our down payment. We  were lucky. 

    I don't know that we'll throw a big blowout for Wolverine (especially if we're helping/paying for college) - but I like the idea of giving her a gift to help save for a house. 
  • *Barbie* said:


    I don't know that we'll throw a big blowout for Wolverine (especially if we're helping/paying for college) - but I like the idea of giving her a gift to help save for a house. 

    Yes, this is what I'd rather do for my kids. 
  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2015
    I too am dumbfounded by the MOB posts I read.  My mom has been awesome.  She's just so excited that I'm getting married that she doesn't really care about what I'm choosing. (I'm turning 33 in May so she's probably thinking "God, FINALLY!").  She even asked me if it's OK if she wears a certain color.  I really don't care what she wears but that's the kind of mom she is.

    But yeah, she's helping to pay for part of the wedding but she doesn't think it gives her license to be rude and pushy and overbearing.  And I love her for it, she's been this way my entire life.  She will give her opinion if I ask, but otherwise she's awesome and supportive and positive.  Love my mom!
    Married 9.12.15
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