Wedding Invite-HELP!

groomguy87 · April 2015

My fiancee and I are getting married May 15th and are in the process of getting back RSVP's. Our cutoff date is next week and then we will start making calls to anyone who hasnt sent one back yet. We received one back this week from my Aunt on my Dad's side RSVPing for 4 people, when we had only invited her and her husband. She has two grown sons from a prior marriage (they each received separate invitations) so at first I thought she just included them by mistake.

I called her yesterday for some clarification and she told me that one of the extra people was her son, but the 4th person was her 13 year old granddaughter, who I've only met once like 10 years ago. She went in to this whole explanation about how the grand-daughter hasn't seen any of the family in 10 years or so and it would mean a lot and the girl's mother had finally agreed. Of course, none of this was told to me beforehand and now they have airfare, hotels, etc. I explained to her that we had a firm guest limit but privately I know that we have some people not attending so there would be room to add her to the list.

My question is, is it worth putting my foot down and saying the grand-daughter cannot come to the wedding or should I just let it go at this point?

hashtag43016 · April 2015

Wow, that is incredibly annoying and rude. I still don't understand why people think that when an invitation is addressed to them that means they can invite whomever they want. The only reason I think you should just swallow this one and let her come is because plane tickets and such have been purchased AND you have the room. Others may disagree, but if I were to end up in this situation I would just complain about it for a little bit to FI about how inconsiderate and rude it is. And then move on. The only exception would be if you are having a "no children wedding" then you can just say, "I'm sorry but it's a no children wedding and everyone else whom we told couldn't bring their kids would be really upset if they saw a kid there."

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

I guess it depends on your preference and your budget. Do you WANT these extra people to attend?

It was super rude of them to add people who weren't invited and you're perfectly within etiquette to tell them no. They are the ones in the wrong here.

If you decide to tell them no, I would phrase it, "I'm sorry, but the invitation was only for you and Uncle John. We looked into it, but we can't work it out to have extra guests. I'm sorry."

She'll probably push back. She'll probably ask for details about your decline rate, and "well, I know cousins Arnold and Betty can't go, so can't they take their place?" Just calmly repeat your generic statement without giving her any additional information and then tell her you have to run, but you're looking forward to seeing her at the wedding. Click.

AddieCake · April 2015

Ugh. I can't believe they were so presumptious. I agree with SouthernBelle. Whatever route you decide to go, I would tell her you would have preferred being consulted before she took it upon herself to invite additional people to your wedding. She needs to know this is not ok.

MairePoppy · April 2015

You are within your rights to decline hosting a guest you didn't invite. Your aunt is being rude. I don't know if it's worth it to put your foot down. That's a personal preference. TBH, I would probably let it go if I was able to accommodate the child.

MyNameIsNot · April 2015

How did you leave things at the end of the call? If you left it that extra guests aren't invited, period, I would leave it alone. It is extremely rude of her to add on extra people, especially without even asking first. If they spent money on airfare because they are presumptuous, that's their problem.

Still, in all honesty, I tend to be a little bit of a pushover with this kind of stuff. If you left it that you'd get back to her, I'd probably let her stew a while, but then call her and let her know that I'd managed to shift things around to include the granddaughter. Even though it's completely rude on her part, I'd feel bad that the kid would hear that she was excluded and wouldn't understand why.

Jen4948 · April 2015

Yeah, that's rude and presumptuous of your aunt.

Do you want to accommodate her granddaughter? If you're okay doing that and don't want to die on this hill, then that's a totally reasonable option. If not, it's also totally reasonable to call your aunt and tell her, "I'm sorry, but Granddaughter wasn't invited and we won't be able to accommodate her at the wedding." If your aunt blusters that she won't attend herself unless you do accommodate her granddaughter, tell her, "I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss you." Either way, offer no explanations or defense of your position. Just stay firm, regardless of how much money and time they already spent on airfare and hotel rooms for her. Don't let that factor into your decision.

groomguy87 · April 2015

Thank you all for your responses and feedback!

After some talking with the fiancee I've decided to put my foot down and say we cannot accommodate the grand-daughter. I called her yesterday but just got her voicemail so will try again this week. Thank you all for your help!

Maggie0829 · April 2015

groomguy87 said:
Thank you all for your responses and feedback!

After some talking with the fiancee I've decided to put my foot down and say we cannot accommodate the grand-daughter. I called her yesterday but just got her voicemail so will try again this week. Thank you all for your help!

Are you also going to let your Aunt know that you cannot accommodate her son as well?

mikenberger · April 2015

Maggie0829 said:

groomguy87 said:
Thank you all for your responses and feedback!

After some talking with the fiancee I've decided to put my foot down and say we cannot accommodate the grand-daughter. I called her yesterday but just got her voicemail so will try again this week. Thank you all for your help!
Are you also going to let your Aunt know that you cannot accommodate her son as well?

Didn't the sons get their own invite? Maybe auntie is just condensing the RSVP to include her already invited son.

My aunt did the same thing. "Well, I was trying to save ... a trip to the post office." Really? Because it's so hard to find a blue post office box and shove it in there. It even has a stamp on it. But that's a whole different grumble that I have!

Maggie0829 · April 2015

mikenberger said:

groomguy87 said:
Thank you all for your responses and feedback!

After some talking with the fiancee I've decided to put my foot down and say we cannot accommodate the grand-daughter. I called her yesterday but just got her voicemail so will try again this week. Thank you all for your help!
Are you also going to let your Aunt know that you cannot accommodate her son as well?

Didn't the sons get their own invite? Maybe auntie is just condensing the RSVP to include her already invited son.

My aunt did the same thing. "Well, I was trying to save ... a trip to the post office." Really? Because it's so hard to find a blue post office box and shove it in there. It even has a stamp on it. But that's a whole different grumble that I have!

Whoops, missed that part.

But just to clarify OP, the son and his daughter have booked airfare and lodging? Was it the Aunt who added the granddaughter or was it the son's idea to add his kid? I am just wondering because it would be silly to be irritated with your Aunt when it was actually her son who added on the kid.

Personally I think you need to call up the son and talk to him about what is going on. It is confusing that the Aunt added him and his daughter to her RSVP when he got his own separate invite.

groomguy87 · April 2015

mikenberger said:

Maggie0829 said:

groomguy87 said:
Thank you all for your responses and feedback!

After some talking with the fiancee I've decided to put my foot down and say we cannot accommodate the grand-daughter. I called her yesterday but just got her voicemail so will try again this week. Thank you all for your help!
Are you also going to let your Aunt know that you cannot accommodate her son as well?
Didn't the sons get their own invite? Maybe auntie is just condensing the RSVP to include her already invited son.

My aunt did the same thing. "Well, I was trying to save ... a trip to the post office." Really? Because it's so hard to find a blue post office box and shove it in there. It even has a stamp on it. But that's a whole different grumble that I have!

Her son had gotten his own invite, but it was my Aunt's idea to add the grand-daughter to her RSVP. I did find out as well that the grand-daughter does not have airfare booked yet because she lives in a different state with her mother that is closer to our wedding. Frankly, the entire situation is a mess.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

groomguy87 said:

mikenberger said:

Maggie0829 said:

groomguy87 said:
Thank you all for your responses and feedback!

After some talking with the fiancee I've decided to put my foot down and say we cannot accommodate the grand-daughter. I called her yesterday but just got her voicemail so will try again this week. Thank you all for your help!
Are you also going to let your Aunt know that you cannot accommodate her son as well?
Didn't the sons get their own invite? Maybe auntie is just condensing the RSVP to include her already invited son.

My aunt did the same thing. "Well, I was trying to save ... a trip to the post office." Really? Because it's so hard to find a blue post office box and shove it in there. It even has a stamp on it. But that's a whole different grumble that I have!
Her son had gotten his own invite, but it was my Aunt's idea to add the grand-daughter to her RSVP. I did find out as well that the grand-daughter does not have airfare booked yet because she lives in a different state with her mother that is closer to our wedding. Frankly, the entire situation is a mess.

Yikes, this is a mess. Well thankfully the kid doesn't have any airfare booked yet. I would still call up her Dad and let him know that unfortunately you cannot accommodate his child. I mean he may not even realize what his Mom did, you know? But I would let him and the Aunt know about your decision, because you never know, this Aunt may just ignore what you said and then tell her son that it is fine to bring his kid.

groomguy87 · April 2015

Maggie0829 said:

groomguy87 said:

mikenberger said:

Maggie0829 said:

groomguy87 said:
Thank you all for your responses and feedback!

After some talking with the fiancee I've decided to put my foot down and say we cannot accommodate the grand-daughter. I called her yesterday but just got her voicemail so will try again this week. Thank you all for your help!
Are you also going to let your Aunt know that you cannot accommodate her son as well?
Didn't the sons get their own invite? Maybe auntie is just condensing the RSVP to include her already invited son.

My aunt did the same thing. "Well, I was trying to save ... a trip to the post office." Really? Because it's so hard to find a blue post office box and shove it in there. It even has a stamp on it. But that's a whole different grumble that I have!
Her son had gotten his own invite, but it was my Aunt's idea to add the grand-daughter to her RSVP. I did find out as well that the grand-daughter does not have airfare booked yet because she lives in a different state with her mother that is closer to our wedding. Frankly, the entire situation is a mess.
Yikes, this is a mess. Well thankfully the kid doesn't have any airfare booked yet. I would still call up her Dad and let him know that unfortunately you cannot accommodate his child. I mean he may not even realize what his Mom did, you know? But I would let him and the Aunt know about your decision, because you never know, this Aunt may just ignore what you said and then tell her son that it is fine to bring his kid.

Yeah, I've been trying to get ahold of her son (my cousin) as well but he is not the most responsive person. I'm hoping that the Aunt will understand and accept our decision without it turning into a bigger issue.

groomguy87 · April 2015

Well, finally got some follow-up on this...

After a couple voicemails with my Aunt, I received a call from her sister this morning (apparently the Aunt was on her way out so she didnt have time to call me herself) and her sister proceeded to tell me that unless this was resolved it is highly unlikely that the Aunt, her husband, or any of their kids will even bother coming to the wedding. I explained where we were at but did say I would think about it some more before making a final decision.

Additionally, the Aunt is also annoyed because her step-daughter did not get a +1, even though she's only been going out with her current boyfriend for just over 6 months. I explained that we were not giving +1's to anyone who didnt receive "and Guest" on their invitation. Personally this is the situation that really annoys me because there have been weddings in my family in the past that I was not allowed to bring my fiancee (who at the time was my girlfriend) to weddings because of space constraints, etc even though we had been together two years. So I feel like that is something up to the groom and bride and the decision should be respected.

What do you guys think? Should I just bite the bullet and let everyone come, or stand my ground and alienate relatives?

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

Well, finally got some follow-up on this...

After a couple voicemails with my Aunt, I received a call from her sister this morning (apparently the Aunt was on her way out so she didnt have time to call me herself) and her sister proceeded to tell me that unless this was resolved it is highly unlikely that the Aunt, her husband, or any of their kids will even bother coming to the wedding. I explained where we were at but did say I would think about it some more before making a final decision.

Additionally, the Aunt is also annoyed because her step-daughter did not get a +1, even though she's only been going out with her current boyfriend for just over 6 months. I explained that we were not giving +1's to anyone who didnt receive "and Guest" on their invitation. Personally this is the situation that really annoys me because there have been weddings in my family in the past that I was not allowed to bring my fiancee (who at the time was my girlfriend) to weddings because of space constraints, etc even though we had been together two years. So I feel like that is something up to the groom and bride and the decision should be respected.

What do you guys think? Should I just bite the bullet and let everyone come, or stand my ground and alienate relatives?

JFC, I'm annoyed with these people just reading this.

For the record, YOU would not be alienating relatives by clarifying who was actually invited. THEY are deciding to alienate themselves by trying to give you ultimatums about adding extra people.

Oh, she didn't have time to call herself? Bullshit. If she doesn't have time to call herself, then it's not worth your time to try to resolve her rude request.

If it were me, I'd stick to your guns about the extra guests. Not because you're "the groom and bride" but because these people are rude and trying to walk all over you. Whether this was a wedding, a shower, a birthday party, a graduation party, a bar mitzvah, whatever. It's always rude to add people to a guest list. It's SUPER rude to then get huffy and toss around ultimatums when the hosts say they can't accommodate uninvited people.

However, anyone you invite to the wedding should be invited with their boyfriend or girlfriend, no matter how important or unimportant you think their relationship is (I'm talking about the step-daughter whose boyfriend of 6 months didn't get invited). Significant others are not "plus ones". And further, SOs should be invited by name (not "and Guest"). A "plus one" is defined as a guest for someone who is truly single.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

groomguy87 said:
Well, finally got some follow-up on this...

After a couple voicemails with my Aunt, I received a call from her sister this morning (apparently the Aunt was on her way out so she didnt have time to call me herself) and her sister proceeded to tell me that unless this was resolved it is highly unlikely that the Aunt, her husband, or any of their kids will even bother coming to the wedding. I explained where we were at but did say I would think about it some more before making a final decision.

Additionally, the Aunt is also annoyed because her step-daughter did not get a +1, even though she's only been going out with her current boyfriend for just over 6 months. I explained that we were not giving +1's to anyone who didnt receive "and Guest" on their invitation. Personally this is the situation that really annoys me because there have been weddings in my family in the past that I was not allowed to bring my fiancee (who at the time was my girlfriend) to weddings because of space constraints, etc even though we had been together two years. So I feel like that is something up to the groom and bride and the decision should be respected.

What do you guys think? Should I just bite the bullet and let everyone come, or stand my ground and alienate relatives?

I would not have told her the bolded. You have made up your mind so stick to it. Stop leading her on. Just say "Aunt, I am sorry but we have made our decision. If you can't come because of that then we will miss you."

As for the step-daughter thing. She has a SO so that SO should have been invited by name. If someone is in a relationship with another person then that is no longer a plus one. To not invite them is rude and makes you look like you are judging their relationship in terms of not thinking that it is "real" because it has only been 6 months. My Mom was engaged after 6 months so yeah, don't judge someone's relationship because of how long or how little they have been together.

groomguy87 · April 2015

That's interesting to know about the relationship, I have always heard inviting SO's was only for married/engaged/living together or over 1 year. I didnt realize 6 months and not living together meant an additional invite was mandatory. That's my fault then, I guess.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

groomguy87 said:
That's interesting to know about the relationship, I have always heard inviting SO's was only for married/engaged/living together or over 1 year. I didnt realize 6 months and not living together meant an additional invite was mandatory. That's my fault then, I guess.

well think of it this way. My H and I were together for 5 years before we started living together and then another 3 years before we were engaged. Close friends of ours were together for a year before getting engaged but moved in with each other after 4 months of being together.

Now why would it be okay to invite our friends together as a couple just because they were living together or engaged but not my H and I who had been together for years but just so happened to not live together for a while?

And that is all why limiting it to married/engaged/living together can be seen as very rude to some if not most of your guests.

groomguy87 · April 2015

Maggie0829 said:

groomguy87 said:
That's interesting to know about the relationship, I have always heard inviting SO's was only for married/engaged/living together or over 1 year. I didnt realize 6 months and not living together meant an additional invite was mandatory. That's my fault then, I guess.
well think of it this way. My H and I were together for 5 years before we started living together and then another 3 years before we were engaged. Close friends of ours were together for a year before getting engaged but moved in with each other after 4 months of being together.

Now why would it be okay to invite our friends together as a couple just because they were living together or engaged but not my H and I who had been together for years but just so happened to not live together for a while?

And that is all why limiting it to married/engaged/living together can be seen as very rude to some if not most of your guests.

Right, that's why we had also decided anybody who had been together over a year (regardless of marriage/engaged/living together) would also receive a +1. That's typically how it has been at weddings each of us has been to in the past but I guess those people were wrong.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

groomguy87 said:

Maggie0829 said:

groomguy87 said:
That's interesting to know about the relationship, I have always heard inviting SO's was only for married/engaged/living together or over 1 year. I didnt realize 6 months and not living together meant an additional invite was mandatory. That's my fault then, I guess.
well think of it this way. My H and I were together for 5 years before we started living together and then another 3 years before we were engaged. Close friends of ours were together for a year before getting engaged but moved in with each other after 4 months of being together.

Now why would it be okay to invite our friends together as a couple just because they were living together or engaged but not my H and I who had been together for years but just so happened to not live together for a while?

And that is all why limiting it to married/engaged/living together can be seen as very rude to some if not most of your guests.
Right, that's why we had also decided anybody who had been together over a year (regardless of marriage/engaged/living together) would also receive a +1. That's typically how it has been at weddings each of us has been to in the past but I guess those people were wrong.

But again, doing so is you (may not consciously doing so) judging someone's relationship. These silly cut off points are rude. Back to my previous example of my Mom and Dad. They were only going out 6 months before they got engaged so at 5 months you better believe that their relationship was pretty damn serious.

So if anyone says that they are in a relationship, regardless of length of time their SO gets invited by name.

I suggest you go back to your list and call up some your guests where you excluded their SO due to your "limits" and apologize and extend the invitation to their SOs.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

And just because something is the norm doesn't mean that it is right or okay.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

groomguy87 said:

Maggie0829 said:

groomguy87 said:
That's interesting to know about the relationship, I have always heard inviting SO's was only for married/engaged/living together or over 1 year. I didnt realize 6 months and not living together meant an additional invite was mandatory. That's my fault then, I guess.
well think of it this way. My H and I were together for 5 years before we started living together and then another 3 years before we were engaged. Close friends of ours were together for a year before getting engaged but moved in with each other after 4 months of being together.

Now why would it be okay to invite our friends together as a couple just because they were living together or engaged but not my H and I who had been together for years but just so happened to not live together for a while?

And that is all why limiting it to married/engaged/living together can be seen as very rude to some if not most of your guests.
Right, that's why we had also decided anybody who had been together over a year (regardless of marriage/engaged/living together) would also receive a +1. That's typically how it has been at weddings each of us has been to in the past but I guess those people were wrong.

Yes, those people are wrong.

Anyone with an SO should have their SO invited by name. It's not up to the host to assign arbitrary rules based on time/living arrangements/whatever.

Again, SOs are not "plus ones". Plus ones are extra guests for truly single invitees and they ARE optional. So if step-daughter didn't have a boyfriend, you could either give her a "plus one" or not. But what happened here is actually a beach of etiquette.

I don't like your aunt (and I don't even know her), but she's right with that one.

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