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SIL is the expired mayo on this shit sandwich

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
edited May 2015 in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
Our beautiful baby girl entered the world under traumatic circumstances. She lived for four days in the NICU before we learned she would not be able to live on her own and made the immensely painful decision to let her go. My husband and I were devastated by this experience, yet buoyed by the immense outpouring of love and support of friends and family. The grace she enabled is one of the beautiful remembrances I have of our daughter. And then my husband’s sister called him and asked that he “make her life easier” and send a thank you note to her husband’s parents for the condolence card they had sent. We barely know these people, but my husband immediately sent a card. He now regrets it. So many others did so much more for us, and we haven’t sent thank you notes to them. Most people explicitly said we don’t need to. It has now been six months since we lost our daughter. I have not seen my brother-in-law since this experience and I don’t want to. Am I being ungracious? Is one expected to write thank you notes under such circumstances? And, if so, have I disrespected all the amazing and wonderful friends who have truly supported and sustained us during this impossibly painful time?

—I Miss Her Every Day

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Re: SIL is the expired mayo on this shit sandwich

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    You're supposed to send thank you notes for condolence cards?  That's news.  Next up, thank you cards for thank you cards.

    SIL sounds weak, so not sure why the ire is directed at BIL, just b/c they're his parents.  I think they're also mad at themselves for doing it in the first place.  When there's this much complexity tied up into everything, I say forgive them, forgive yourself and deal with the more important issues at hand.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    yeah, mrs. conn, not sure why you are focused on your inlaw's inlaws, unless it's to distract from your own grieving. sil does not sound pretty gracious, but that's her problem. it also sounds like she has super meddling inlaws, so good luck to her with all that.

    no, you do not owe people thank you notes, but you may want to write them if that is what you want to do and if it will help your process.

    sorry for your loss.
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  • randomsloverandomslove member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Wow. That's a terrible loss and so sorry to hear it.

    That said, grieving is not like celebrating. You don't need to send thank you cards and pretend to be cheerful. You're supposed to let yourself feel what you feel. Anyone who has known loss knows you're not always in a position to even remember to eat, let alone remember who did what for you. While it's great that you all are appreciative of the love and support, don't let yourself feel guilted into needlessly assuaging others in your time of grief. Those who know understand.





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