Money vs. Gifts (Registering vs. Not).

Maggie0829 · July 2015

CASH IS A GIFT!!!

And you, in your mind, can think that you would love to recoup some of the money that you are putting out. But you also have to realize that that is most likely NOT going to happen. And you never say it OUT LOUD! You are throwing this party because you want to, NOT because you want to make your money back. Because if all you are concerned about is making your money back then maybe you shouldn't be spending it in the first place.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

YelizavetaYR said:

adk19 said:

adk19 said:

I understand needing to have a wedding for family. I've told people before that I'm not allowed to just get married, I have to have a Wedding. However, if you're spending so much that you need to recoup costs, you need to have a less expensive party. "Mom, Dad, I know you want a big wedding, but it's just not something I can afford. With the current guest list, I can only afford to host cake and punch in the church basement. But if we can work together to decrease the guest list, I might be able to host a smaller event in the party room of this restaurant. Anything else is outside of the budget." If your parents still want the big shindig, they'll offer to pay for it. If they pay for it, will you be giving your cash gifts to them?

You didn't answer my question. It's bolded above.

Yes I plan to reimburse (as I imagine so does my friend) my parents for their expenditure. They don't want a big fancy thing but even a simple medium sized thing still costs a lot. Also why should parents pay - why are people so inclined to say "my parents will pay" my girlfriend and I both are fortunate to have loving parents (as are our fiancee's) but If i want this event to take place why should anyone else pay for it but me.

Also in her case her parents aren't living in this country, they aren't making a lot of money. Mine are paying a mortgage and for other expenses. Yes they may want to invite people and have certain relatives there but why is it seen as their expense? I don't object to making them happy with the guest list - as they've done a lot for me over the the last 30 years. But nevertheless I should be able to pay for what I want. What I want is to not get unnecessary gifts but rather gifts that can help me offset the event I'm organizing to make our families happy.

It really must be a cultural thing.
This whole thing started with me asking if there is a good/polite way to inquire if we can forget the the whole registry/gift thing and just have people (who want to give gifts) give those gifts in means that can be useful. That is really it.

As the guest who gave you a gift that was meant for you and your new SO to use. I would be kind of irritated if I found out that the money I gave was then given back to whoever funded the wedding so that they could recoup their money. That would seriously rub me the wrong way.

I mean what would your thank you cards say? Thanks so much for the generous gift. My parents are going to be so happy that you were able to cover the cost of your attendance at our wedding.

ETA: And what happens to the boxed gifts you receive? Is it only cash that you will give back to your parents? Or will you give them all the gifts you receive, including the toaster over and mixer, as a way for them to feel like they are getting recouped for the money they are shelling out?

ETA...Again: And any parent who requests this from their child or willingly takes the money their child received as a gift are assholes.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

CASH IS A GIFT!!!
And you, in your mind, can think that you would love to recoup some of the money that you are putting out. But you also have to realize that that is most likely NOT going to happen. And you never say it OUT LOUD! You are throwing this party because you want to, NOT because you want to make your money back. Because if all you are concerned about is making your money back then maybe you shouldn't be spending it in the first place.

YES!!! Must quote because it's just not enough to Like this Once.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

YelizavetaYR said:

adk19 said:

adk19 said:

I understand needing to have a wedding for family. I've told people before that I'm not allowed to just get married, I have to have a Wedding. However, if you're spending so much that you need to recoup costs, you need to have a less expensive party. "Mom, Dad, I know you want a big wedding, but it's just not something I can afford. With the current guest list, I can only afford to host cake and punch in the church basement. But if we can work together to decrease the guest list, I might be able to host a smaller event in the party room of this restaurant. Anything else is outside of the budget." If your parents still want the big shindig, they'll offer to pay for it. If they pay for it, will you be giving your cash gifts to them?

You didn't answer my question. It's bolded above.

Yes I plan to reimburse (as I imagine so does my friend) my parents for their expenditure. They don't want a big fancy thing but even a simple medium sized thing still costs a lot. Also why should parents pay - why are people so inclined to say "my parents will pay" my girlfriend and I both are fortunate to have loving parents (as are our fiancee's) but If i want this event to take place why should anyone else pay for it but me.

Also in her case her parents aren't living in this country, they aren't making a lot of money. Mine are paying a mortgage and for other expenses. Yes they may want to invite people and have certain relatives there but why is it seen as their expense? I don't object to making them happy with the guest list - as they've done a lot for me over the the last 30 years. But nevertheless I should be able to pay for what I want. What I want is to not get unnecessary gifts but rather gifts that can help me offset the event I'm organizing to make our families happy.

It really must be a cultural thing.
This whole thing started with me asking if there is a good/polite way to inquire if we can forget the the whole registry/gift thing and just have people (who want to give gifts) give those gifts in means that can be useful. That is really it.

ONLY IF YOU WANT IT TO!

You don't have to spend a lot of money on a wedding. If you choose to, it's not your guests' responsibility to reimburse you.

Viczaesar · July 2015

YelizavetaYR said:

adk19 said:

adk19 said:

I understand needing to have a wedding for family. I've told people before that I'm not allowed to just get married, I have to have a Wedding. However, if you're spending so much that you need to recoup costs, you need to have a less expensive party. "Mom, Dad, I know you want a big wedding, but it's just not something I can afford. With the current guest list, I can only afford to host cake and punch in the church basement. But if we can work together to decrease the guest list, I might be able to host a smaller event in the party room of this restaurant. Anything else is outside of the budget." If your parents still want the big shindig, they'll offer to pay for it. If they pay for it, will you be giving your cash gifts to them?

You didn't answer my question. It's bolded above.

Yes I plan to reimburse (as I imagine so does my friend) my parents for their expenditure. They don't want a big fancy thing but even a simple medium sized thing still costs a lot. Also why should parents pay - why are people so inclined to say "my parents will pay" my girlfriend and I both are fortunate to have loving parents (as are our fiancee's) but If i want this event to take place why should anyone else pay for it but me.

Also in her case her parents aren't living in this country, they aren't making a lot of money. Mine are paying a mortgage and for other expenses. Yes they may want to invite people and have certain relatives there but why is it seen as their expense? I don't object to making them happy with the guest list - as they've done a lot for me over the the last 30 years. But nevertheless I should be able to pay for what I want. What I want is to not get unnecessary gifts but rather gifts that can help me offset the event I'm organizing to make our families happy.

It really must be a cultural thing.
This whole thing started with me asking if there is a good/polite way to inquire if we can forget the the whole registry/gift thing and just have people (who want to give gifts) give those gifts in means that can be useful. That is really it.

EXACTLY. Pay for your own damn wedding and don't ask or expect your guests to help.

Ptefabulous · July 2015

I was invited to a wedding where they clearly stated that gifts are not necessary but if you would like to give, please give money that they can use to help with the wedding costs.

It might be tacky, but for humble people who are starting their life together, who don't make 100K/ year, I don't think anyone thought it was greedy.

Viczaesar · July 2015

Ptefabulous said:

I was invited to a wedding where they clearly stated that gifts are not necessary but if you would like to give, please give money that they can use to help with the wedding costs.

It might be tacky, but for humble people who are starting their life together, who don't make 100K/ year, I don't think anyone thought it was greedy.

And I bet you're wrong.

YelizavetaYR · July 2015

Viczaesar said:
EXACTLY. Pay for your own damn wedding and don't ask or expect your guests to help.

I am - so is my friend - everyone is paying for their own damn wedding. But the question isn't about asking others to help. The question is about registries vs not, about gifts vs. cash. No one is asking anyone else to pay for anything and no one is trying to do anything fancy here. Humble simple and elegant (a celebration for the families as much as the bride and groom). However, there isn't anything wrong with thinking from a financial perspective. Working 2 jobs with gigs on the side to make a living and i'm sorry If I'm wrong to think about expenses. Not everyone is made of money.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

YelizavetaYR said:

Viczaesar said:
EXACTLY. Pay for your own damn wedding and don't ask or expect your guests to help.

I am - so is my friend - everyone is paying for their own damn wedding. But the question isn't about asking others to help. The question is about registries vs not, about gifts vs. cash. No one is asking anyone else to pay for anything and no one is trying to do anything fancy here. Humble simple and elegant (a celebration for the families as much as the bride and groom). However, there isn't anything wrong with thinking from a financial perspective. Working 2 jobs with gigs on the side to make a living and i'm sorry If I'm wrong to think about expenses. Not everyone is made of money.

It is not wrong to think about expenses. Everyone should, regardless of what they make (unless of course you are Bill Gates and then it really doesn't matter). All of us on this site (or close to all) had a budget for their wedding. But that budget was made up of what we (or the hosts) could afford. If spending, say $5K, on a wedding would require you to then pray that you receive gifts to help recoup that money, then you need to lower your budget. You should spend what you are comfortable never seeing in your back account again.

But one should never think that they will make back anything that they spent. They shouldn't expect anything from their guests. If you want to throw a party/wedding then that is solely your prerogative and up to you to pay for. Is it nice when gifts are given? Yes. But one should never count on them to help recoup any expense they put out for a party.

Viczaesar · July 2015

YelizavetaYR said:

Viczaesar said:
EXACTLY. Pay for your own damn wedding and don't ask or expect your guests to help.

I am - so is my friend - everyone is paying for their own damn wedding. But the question isn't about asking others to help. The question is about registries vs not, about gifts vs. cash. No one is asking anyone else to pay for anything and no one is trying to do anything fancy here. Humble simple and elegant (a celebration for the families as much as the bride and groom). However, there isn't anything wrong with thinking from a financial perspective. Working 2 jobs with gigs on the side to make a living and i'm sorry If I'm wrong to think about expenses. Not everyone is made of money.

Nobody is made of money. Everybody has to worry about budgets and expenses, even the rich. Regardless, it's rude to ask for money. Period. You said "What I want is to not get unnecessary gifts but rather gifts that can help me offset the event I'm organizing to make our families happy." Trying to get your guests to give you cash gifts (and has been pointed out repeatedly, it's not a question of gifts v. cash - CASH IS A GIFT) in order to offset your costs IS asking and expecting your guests to help pay for your wedding. Pay for your own wedding, without any expectation or hope of reimbursement.

Jen4948 · July 2015

It's nobody's job to help you "recoup your expenses." By deciding to hold a wedding and invite people to it, you incur those expenses and it's up to you to finance your wedding accordingly without expecting any financial help through gifts. If people decide to give you anything, be it boxed gifts, cash, or whatever, that is their choice. But the decision to have a wedding and invite them was yours.

Summary: It's your wedding, you pay for it without asking guests to give you cash. If you don't want boxed gifts, then give, sell, or throw any you receive away, don't register, and don't accept any showers. People may give you cash as a gift. But if they do, it is not reimbursement for the money you spent to entertain them at your wedding. You have no right to expect that.

switSwoo00 · July 2015

When a couple have run out of items on the registry that I can afford, I usually try to club in with other friends or family to buy them an item or I get a gift card for the store they chose. If they don't register, I give them a cash gift, usually in the currency of their honeymoon destination. I just prefer this to the idea that in some way I'm subsidising the wedding itself. If they ask for cash, they get it but I do feel a little irked. Especially if they do a cute rhyme in the invitation about already having enough pots and pans.

julieanne912 · July 2015

YelizavetaYR said:

One of my best friends came to America in her early 20s, started working in a bagel store and has moved her way up -- she recently passed the bar got her citizenship and got engaged. She's done pretty well for herself but she has loans her parents are flying in (he is of humble means too). In her 10 years in this country she's made friends, colleagues and lots of loved ones. (Her parents too would like something nice for their child, no one is talking fancy here, just nice).

They are planning a wedding for about 12-15K simple and modest. I'm sure help will be given by parents but both sets don't exactly have the means to pay for things. She like me come from the mentality that if you want something you pay for it - and if you can't afford it you dont. But the question stands how much of her simple expense can she recoup.

She's not doing anything crazy fancy - but she is doing something elegant and nice. Something her parents would like (they don't exactly have millions to give out). This is pretty much the max of her budget. I don't see anything wrong with preferring to recoup some of the expenditures rather then getting gifts.

I think what's pissing people off here is how you're phrasing it. Just leave out the whole "recouping wedding expenses" and you're good to go. Don't register, and accept any gift that comes graciously. What you do with the money after that is of no business to anybody (unless the cash gift is given with stipulations), so no reason to even talk about it.

And for the record, I'm in my early/mid 30s and we own a home together, and have lots of stuff. I still registered because I'm having a shower, and not everyone feels comfortable handing over cash. I know I always prefer to give someone a physical gift because a $50 physical gift seems nicer than $50 in cash. At first I had a hard time coming up with things to register for but after I got going, it was easy. There's always a use for extra towels, or glassware, or in our case, stuff for our yard that we just landscaped.

VicTim328 · July 2015

The first thing to consider is if the wedding itself is too much of a financial burden, budget cuts need to be made. If you are not signed into contracts, try a morning ceremony and reception vs. evening or sunday vs. saturday. Cut down the guest list. While you may want to allow your parents to invite whomever they want (within reason), if you can only afford 10 instead of the 35 they plan on inviting, tell them "While we are grateful for you wanting to include everyone in celebrating us, it is just not feasible for us to include that many and still have the reception we want." It opens up the negotiating floor with mom and dad about the guest list. If they cannot cut down their list, suggest that they contribute to the meals for their guests. If they are not receptive, then they have to cut their list.

You SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, alleviate your parents expenses by handing over the gifts. Their contribution to your wedding is a gift. You are the host, since you are the one funding the wedding. Since they are your parents guests, your parents can assist you in hosting.

Now, onto registry question. If you are having a shower, you most definitely need a registry. I know sometimes brides do not have a choice with a shower, as loved may want to have one for you. I ended up with two, as my FI's family is from out of state. We explained to his dad that it was unnecessary, but their cousins ended up hosting one for us (we had 5 days notice). It was a very kind gesture and were grateful for their wanting to welcome me into their family. The purpose of a shower is to shower you with gifts, but also bring friends and family together.

If there is no shower, I would say not to say a word in the invitations, as in most cities, it is common to receive monetary gifts (cash or giftcards), but it depends on your local culture, and that of your family and friends'. If people are stumped, they can ask your BP or families for ideas. I know people who refuse to give cash as a gift. Remember, there should not be an expectation to receive a gift from a guest, even if it is proper etiquette to give the host a gift. No matter what , your guests should always be received with a "thank you for celebrating our marriage with us."

If you are having a shower, or you still feel pressured to register (some mothers can be unrelenting), think about what will need to be replaced/updated in your home in the next few years, even if you don't need them now. If you and your FI plan on having a family, do your dishes/silverware/glassware support it? Accidents are bound to happen, and a nice set of 8 can easily go to an incomplete set of 6. Families grow in multiple directions. My FI took a long time to understand that a place setting of 8 is not enough if he plans on entertaining (if we were to host both of our immediate families, we would have 10). More than likely, potholders, towels, cutting boards, and sheets will need to be replaced at some point. It is nice to have extras on hand and not go to the expense later on. There may be other financial expenses coinciding with replacing everything.

My cousin was recently married, and her wedding coincided with their purchasing a house. She had lived with her parents and he lived several states away. One of the guests at her shower actually filled several laundry baskets (you can never have too many in my experience). One was filled with paper products (toilet tissue, disposable plates, paper towels), one with cleaning supplies (clorox wipes, laundry detergent, swifters, bleach, peroxide), and a third with basic kitchen groceries (spices, flour, sugar). Individually, they are inexpensive items you could easily purchase on your own, but combined, it can be a larger bill. It may seem a tad odd, but they still needed all of it, and I thought it was a creative way to still help the couple meet their financial means without using a registry (you can register for these).

Some other things I have seen are items that could be heirlooms for children, nieces, nephews, grandchildren etc. Think of things you would not typically purchase for yourself, but may enjoy (vases, frames, glassware, linens, entertainingware) My FI received a crystal whiskey decanter from his great-grandmother when she passed, and I received a silver tea service from my great-aunt. They are beautiful treasures that we love to use when hosting family events to feel closer to our missing loved ones.

kkitkat79 · July 2015

Knottie1437418780 said:

You SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, alleviate your parents expenses by handing over the gifts. Their contribution to your wedding is a gift. You are the host, since you are the one funding the wedding. Since they are your parents guests, your parents can assist you in hosting.

Well, it's a cash gift so she can use it in any way she chooses. If she wants to reimburse her parents she is free to do that. Unless I am missing something and wedding cash gifts from wedding guests come with strings attached.

OP, there is no polite way to ask for specific gifts be it money or anything else. Gifts are not required and should not be expected. Don't register and hope people will get the hint. I imagine most of your guests are from former soviet union as well. If that's the case don't worry, we all have the same mentality and know that cash is king. But don't expect it, accept anything you get graciously, and have a wedding you can afford on your own.

Money vs. Gifts (Registering vs. Not).

Re: Money vs. Gifts (Registering vs. Not).

Choose Another Board

Search Boards