Wedding Woes

Son in law can't deal with BIL's disability

Dear Prudence,
I am a woman in my 60s with two wonderful children: a 35-year-old daughter, married for 10 years with two delightful children, and a son, who is 29. My son has Down syndrome. He does not live with me because of finances. “George” is moderately mentally impaired. He has a temper (not violent) and is not good at sharing. My problem is with my son-in-law, who I love dearly. He doesn’t seem to be able to relate to George at all. My grandkids love their uncle. I like to take George over to visit my daughter, who also loves him dearly, but her husband always watches George intently and gets into a bad mood when George visits. George senses this and it upsets him. It all makes me sad. My son-in-law is a great husband, son, and provider. This situation greatly distresses me and my daughter because we want us all to be family and do activities together, but we have to do them without my son-in-law, because he just can’t handle George or relate to him. My daughter and I are at a loss and do not know how to handle this.

—Perplexed

Re: Son in law can't deal with BIL's disability

  • She doesn't say he's a great father. I mean, I know Down's adults are adults, but it's often like dealing with a little kid, so why can't he just get in that mindset? Is he bad with his own kids, who probably don't like to share and get upset when people don't like them? 

    I've never met a person with Down's I couldn't "relate" to. They're just people. Come on, guy. 
    image
  • GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I really hope mom has a good plan for what happens to George when she passes.
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2015

    Family outing to volunteer for Special Olympics a few times a year?!?!?  Really - the best way to get over a fear is full immersion!  The time togehter and experience will do him good!!!


  • Maybe the MIL is projecting, and the H is just in a bad mood because his MIL is there/imposing. 

    Unless the H came right out and said to the MIL that he hates George, there could be other reasons why he's unhappy during MIL visits. 

    I think MIL is inserting herself too much into the marriage. Daughter and H need to work out the issue (wherether it's Geroge/MIL/something else) between the two of them. 
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker

    I wonder how old the kids are.  A grown up that can't share and has a temper could be really scary to a little kid.  Maybe the kids aren't old enough to understand that George won't hurt them or that George is different?  sFIL has zero disability and sometimes he gets too loud and rough with happy play and scares mine.

    Like Barbie suggests maybe it's MIL and not George?  Maybe the visits are too frequent or too long?


  • GBCK said:
    I really hope mom has a good plan for what happens to George when she passes.
    *Boxes?*

    I agree very much with this especially. My aunt has a mental disability that leaves her at about a 8-9 year old capacity. My family and friends are all very good with her (especially DH, melted my heart to see him bring her to get cake at my cousin's wedding) but sometimes she can be slightly difficult- she also has OCD (like serious OCD, constantly arranging stuff, cleaning, etc) and is very attached to my grandmother. The big question in my family is where will she go when the time comes. It's basically between my mom (2 years older than her) and their brother (13 years younger than her). 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards