Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards...

MrsSmith2Be02 · October 2011

Last night I made some Will You Be my Bridesmaid cards to send out to my attendants. I've already mentioned it to some of them, but I wanted to do something cute as well. Tell me if this is doing too much or being Bridezilla-ish.

I also included a little letter explaining how excited I would be for them to be my BM, MOH/Matron. In the letter it has some bullets of what being a part of the Bridal Party entails.

At the end of the letter, I explain that I understand either way if they "cheerfully accept or respectfully decline" but I wanted to explain the expectations up front.

I haven't mailed them yet, but wanted to get some feedback. Thoughts?

teamUS2012 · October 2011

What were the "expectations" you listed as what being in the BP entails?

I can't really share my thoughts reasonably until I know what your cards said.

BUT, I love the general idea of doing cards. If I may borrow it, I'm going to do that for Valentine's Day. Instead of the traditional Be My Valentine, I'll do "Be My BM" (or whatever) with all the typical V-Day hearts.... hey thanks, that's a great idea! LOL

MrsSmith2Be02 · October 2011

The expectations weren't anything crazy. For example,

*coordinating with other Bridesmaids
*host a shower with the help of other bridesmaids
*plan Bachelorette party
*Be a listening ear for a stressed bride (primarily for my MOH & matron)

I really did this for my little sister, but including in everyone's. She is the youngest of them all and can typically have a really bad attitude and always say "who's paying for that?", BUT I knew if I didn't ask her she would be salty. SO outlining that it is a financial commitment (your dress, shoes, Bachelorette party / bridal shower, should I have one) and a time commitment (not hugely) vs a stand and look pretty engagement, she may go ahead and say no up front vs getting an attitude and i have to kick her out. KWIM?

MrsSmith2Be02 · October 2011

AND I noted that these weren't my made up expectations / duties, that these were some typical dutied of the Bridal Party that I found.

Soon2BSand · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_will-bridesmaid-cards-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:f2fe76c8-069f-4301-a771-c9ee1c8cf335Post:39824212-877b-4ffd-8eff-387a8cec5a47">Re: Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards...</a>:
[QUOTE]The expectations weren't anything crazy. For example, *coordinating with other Bridesmaids *host a shower with the help of other bridesmaids *plan Bachelorette party *Be a listening ear for a stressed bride (primarily for my MOH & matron) I really did this for my little sister, but including in everyone's. She is the youngest of them all and can typically have a really bad attitude and always say "who's paying for that?", BUT I knew if I didn't ask her she would be salty. SO outlining that it is a financial commitment (your dress, shoes, Bachelorette party / bridal shower, should I have one) and a time commitment (not hugely) vs a stand and look pretty engagement, she may go ahead and say no up front vs getting an attitude and i have to kick her out. KWIM?
Posted by MrsSmith2Be02[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ehh... I'm kinda taken aback by the "expectations" only because they only thing they are <em>required </em>to do is show up dressed in the proper retire. On the other hand though I LIKE the idea because folks can't use the "I didn't know what she wanted" excuse down the road. It really depends on the type of friends you have. Mine would give me a stern side eye and tell me to go to hell... lol</div><div>
</div><div>Personally, I'd write them each a letter and make it more along the lines of them being there for you is something that would make you happy as a person not "you're getting the priviledge of being in my wedding but in order to stay in it you must do xyz.." Listing bullets sounds kinda like an employment offer letter that's contingent upon passing a drug screen and background check. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Don't ask someone to be in the wedding party for the sake of saving their feelings... I did that, had to kick her out, and had more hurt feelings than anticipated. :(</div><div>

</div>

MrsSmith2Be02 · October 2011

Noted. Yea, I really didn't like the bulleted list either, but I was typing out on the computer. I'll see what it is. My friends would love to know up front and that saves everyone headache. After 2 kids, I'm really not the Bachelorette party type (i dont think), but again those are just suggestions I found of stuff online.

As in my little sister, she would have just turned 21. Everyone else is 27+ and I would love for her to be a part of my bridal party, but she has some tendencies that I just dont know if I can deal with.

teamUS2012 · October 2011

Yeah, I don't like that. I'm sorry. :-(

I just can't get with the idea of telling them they have to throw a shower or a party, when really they don't HAVE TO...

Technically, the only things they HAVE TO do is show up on the day of the wedding and rehearsal, and presumably, buy the required attire.

They don't have to help with stuff, listen to stuff, plan stuff or do stuff (although since I'd assume they are your closest friends and relatives, they may want to). I think it's a bit much to put in writing that this is expected of them. But that's just me.

teamUS2012 · October 2011

Oh, I just read S2BS's reply, and I guess I could've just cosigned. LOL!

I would completely scrap the notes as you have them... I just think it's a bit too presumptuous to assume that a BM/MOH has to throw you a party or whatnot. I would really be taken aback if someone, even my sister, sent me a letter like that. Maybe you can say something like "It would mean the world to me if you would stand with me as a BM/MOH as I join FI in marriage. As my sister/cousin/bestie, I would be so honored to have you helping me over the next few months as I prepare for the most important day of my life...."

cosmos07 · October 2011

I like the Bridesmaids cards idea, I did them for my girls. I did not include any expectations, I just sent the card and they loved it. I feel like if you know your friends or loved ones are going to be shady then don't ask them to be your bridesmaid. It is nice for them to plan all of those things for us be it's not a requirement.

[Deleted User] · November 2011

I love the idea of the cards, and did the same for my my BP. As pp have said, I would scrap the letter or just use it provide information. I would say info on how you will go about selecting/securing the dresses, timeline for the rehersal dinner, etc. I know some ladies on here do newsletters to continue to update their BP, so that may be a route you take.

MrsSmith2Be02 · November 2011

OK thanks ladies. I really appreciate it! The "expectations" was probably the wrong word to use. I said in there that these were things I found that are sometimes the duties of the Bridal Party, not requirements per se.

However, so how do you combat the later on comment if anyone says "well I didn't know you wanted me to do that?" This could be in regards to anything!

One of my brides last year (who actually is my Matron of Honor) had to cut one of her bridesmaids because she didn't order her dress in time (which wasn't the issue), but her response to her was "just because you are getting married doesn't mean my life is going to stop!". Which is true and not that anyone is asking for someone to do that, but if there is a timeline I would request that you adhere to that.

So to alleviate any of those headaches up front....or the fact that people may say oh this is becoming more expensive than I anticipated, what do you do? Cross that bridge when you get there and hope for the best???

2010Bride2be · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_will-bridesmaid-cards-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:f2fe76c8-069f-4301-a771-c9ee1c8cf335Post:d8f22c8d-9c71-43c9-ada9-653e82280c9a">Re: Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards...</a>:
[QUOTE]OK thanks ladies. I really appreciate it! The "expectations" was probably the wrong word to use. I<strong> said in there that these were things I found that are sometimes the duties of the Bridal Party, not requirements per se. However, so how do you combat the later on comment if anyone says "well I didn't know you wanted me to do that?" This could be in regards to anything!</strong> One of my brides last year (who actually is my Matron of Honor) had to cut one of her bridesmaids because she didn't order her dress in time (which wasn't the issue), but her response to her was "just because you are getting married doesn't mean my life is going to stop!". Which is true and not that anyone is asking for someone to do that, but if there is a timeline I would request that you adhere to that. So to alleviate any of those headaches up front....or the fact that people may say oh this is becoming more expensive than I anticipated, what do you do? Cross that bridge when you get there and hope for the best???
Posted by MrsSmith2Be02[/QUOTE]

The only 'duties' of a BM are to get their dress and stand up for you on your big day. Anything outside of that is extra and out of the kindness of their heart. They are not required to throw you a shower or a b-party, put together invitations or centerpieces, etc.

In order to prevent cost issues, you talk WITH your BM's and find out their price points. Then you find a dress that they can afford or a collection of dresses at different price points that they can all afford. If you want them to have certain hair, jewelry, make up, then pay for it yourself.

ETA...Yes, I did send Bridesmaid's cards and Flower Girl cards that were custom made by an ETSY seller. They all loved them!

teamUS2012 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_will-bridesmaid-cards-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:f2fe76c8-069f-4301-a771-c9ee1c8cf335Post:857a1bee-1740-4f8d-9643-98e80e75cdad">Re: Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards... : <strong> The only 'duties' of a BM are to get their dress and stand up for you on your big day. Anything outside of that is extra and out of the kindness of their heart. They are not required to throw you a shower or a b-party, put together invitations or centerpieces, etc.</strong> In order to prevent cost issues, you talk WITH your BM's and find out their price points. Then you find a dress that they can afford or a collection of dresses at different price points that they can all afford. If you want them to have certain hair, jewelry, make up, then pay for it yourself. ETA...Yes, I did send Bridesmaid's cards and Flower Girl cards that were custom made by an ETSY seller. They all loved them!
Posted by 2010Bride2be[/QUOTE]

I couldn't have said it any better. I understand what you're saying, OP, but the truth is that if someone says "I didn't know you wanted me to do xyz," that means you didn't ask or you had the wrong expectations. If you need/want them to do something for you, you should ask, not drop hints in an invitation card or outline expectations in a note. I understand the sentiment, because I'm a very detail-oriented person myself, a planner as well, so I really do get it. But in this case, I really think you'd do best to avoid the note altogether, and if you need help with your DIY projects or even dress shopping, etc. ask them to join you and ask them with the understanding that they don't have to do anything more than stand up for you on your big day and wear what you've asked them to wear.

Maybe your note should include something along the lines of:

"<em>If you agree to stand with me, we will probably need to get together a few times to shop for dresses. I know that these are tough times, and that everyone's financial situation isn't the same, so if you'll give me an idea of what you're able to spend on a dress, we can be sure to shop in a range that is comfortable for everyone. We'll probably need to order dresses by [month] so that we'll have them in plenty of time to get alterations, if necessary. Thank you for considering being a part of my wedding. I hope you'll accept my invitation!"</em>

MrsSmith2Be02 · November 2011

Oooh @teamUS - thanks for that wording. I have been trying to figure out the best wording and that is so great. Love it.

Mission accomplished.

Also about the asking people to do things.....the making of centerpieces, dress shopping, etc. It really isn't a big deal to me. I'm such a "I want things to be a certain way." type person that I'll do it without asking for help and really wont have a problem because I know if it blows up its on me and nobody else. LOL

teamUS2012 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_will-bridesmaid-cards-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:f2fe76c8-069f-4301-a771-c9ee1c8cf335Post:2a05dac1-0924-439a-ac21-2cad975481e3">Re: Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards...</a>:
[QUOTE]Oooh @teamUS - thanks for that wording. I have been trying to figure out the best wording and that is so great. Love it. Mission accomplished. :) Also about the asking people to do things.....the making of centerpieces, dress shopping, etc. It really isn't a big deal to me. I'm such a "I want things to be a certain way." type person that I'll do it without asking for help and really wont have a problem because I know if it blows up its on me and nobody else. LOL
Posted by MrsSmith2Be02[/QUOTE]

No problem, glad I could help. And I'm in ATL, so when you get ready to do projects, if you need help, let me know. If I'm available, I'd be happy to help out a fellow Knottie. I'm a perfectionist myself, so it'll be done however you want it done. :-)

MrsSmith2Be02 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_will-bridesmaid-cards-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:f2fe76c8-069f-4301-a771-c9ee1c8cf335Post:129b3ba6-70ba-4c39-8f35-bfed071b1881">Re: Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards... : No problem, glad I could help. And I'm in ATL, so when you get ready to do projects, if you need help, let me know. If I'm available, I'd be happy to help out a fellow Knottie. I'm a perfectionist myself, so it'll be done however you want it done. :-)
Posted by teamUS2012[/QUOTE]

I'll keep that in mind. :)

Soon2BSand · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_will-bridesmaid-cards-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:f2fe76c8-069f-4301-a771-c9ee1c8cf335Post:129b3ba6-70ba-4c39-8f35-bfed071b1881">Re: Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Will You Be My Bridesmaid Cards... : No problem, glad I could help. And I'm in ATL, so when you get ready to do projects, if you need help, let me know. If I'm available, I'd be happy to help out a fellow Knottie. I'm a perfectionist myself, so it'll be done however you want it done. :-)
Posted by teamUS2012[/QUOTE]

Ditto! Shoot NONE of my BP lives here so I feel the pain...

teamUS2012 · November 2011

Okay so when are we doing our Atl GTG???

Baesmom · November 2011

I understand as well. 3 of my BM's live here. 2 live in DC Matrion of honro lives in NC and maid of honor lives an hour away in austin. We communiate here or via skype. this way they can see all of my stuff and help. it works out great.

MrsSmith2Be02 · November 2011

All of my BM live in ATL except for one who lives in Dayton. The issue is conflicting schedules. While 4 of them work regular M-F, 9-5 jobs the other 3 have odd schedules. My Matron of Honor and my little sister are both hair stylists, so they work weekends and evenings and my BFF is a Resp. Therapist at the hospital but only works weekend evenings Sat-Mon 7p-7a.

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