My FI and I have had strained relationships with our families. To help heel some of these relationships, we have included all brothers and sisters in the WP.
I've not had a relationship with my father for my entire adult life, but I have been able to maintain a relationship with the rest of my paternal family. My parents divorced when I was in college because my father had been drugging and raping my mother (put mildly). He then married a teacher/stripper/pedophile who is 9 years older than me, and has actually hit my younger sister. His family doesn't know the circumstances of why my sister and I do not have a relationship with him, nor would they believe us.
Typically, the family just ignores it, but since we are planning our wedding, people have been vocalizing too much about how he (and his wife) must be included (never going to happen), and that he should walk me down the aisle, AND have a father daughter dance....
My grandmother (his mom) called my mom last week. They have a pretty solid relationship, but the call got brutal. She said that because he is alive, he is entitled to all of those rights... (since when does having a pulse entitle someone to an invitation/role in the wedding)... My mother responded by saying, "This is my daughter's wedding and it is her decision to make. I am not standing in the way of her changing her mind, but the decision rests with her."
The next night, my brother (GM) and sister (MOH) were driving home when he verbally accosted her about the situation, and how they should be invited. She came home sobbing. Hard. She's an epileptic, and it sent her into a seizure.
They are not invited. End of story. I'm frustrated because no one has come to me directly. Instead, they have verbally attacked my loved ones over decisions I have made. My mother is paying for the wedding, and she begged us to include my brother in the party. After what has happened to my sister, I no longer want him a part of the WP. I don't trust him. He could easily pull some stunt. Prior to these events, we already considered hiring a security team for the wedding...
The hardest part is, how do I explain to my grandma that her son is not to be included? She is in her mid 80's, and wouldn't believe the truth about the rift. I know it causes her pain, but his presence has sent me into a panic attack. She's the only grandma my FI and I have. She is thrilled to have a granddaughter getting married. She has offered to contribute financially, but I know that it will come with strings attached.
1) Should I approach the topic with the offenders?
2) Has anyone ever had to remove someone from the WP before, and if so, how did you handle it?
a) or do I let this play out more before we tell him he is no longer a GM?
3) Is there a way to explain to my grandmother without hurting her too much?
4) Could a compromise to my grandmother be let her pay for the videographer, who can livestream the wedding?