Disapproval from Groom's Parents on Ceremony Idea

Knottie1437336800 · July 2015

Hello! I could use some advice! We are both Jewish, but don't have a strong connection to any Rabbi that we'd want to officiate our service. We thought it would be more meaningful and personal to have the groom's older brother and my (the bride) older sister officiate together. We would incorporate the aspects of a Jewish wedding ceremony that are meaningful to us and add our own personal touches.

The Groom's parents don't like this idea for many reasons.

1. They want us to have a Traditional Jewish wedding

2. We are planning to have the wedding on Saturday evening, and Jewish weddings are typically on Sundays

3. Initially we were going to get married in the courthouse prior to the ceremony, and they felt that we were inviting people to watch us "go through the motions."

We have since suggested several compromises such as having my sister obtain her legal status to officiate in our state so that our ceremony would be legally binding (thus no courthouse).

They still are not on board. How do we explain that we are willing to compromise on almost all the wedding details except for the layout and timing of our ceremony?

climbingsingle · July 2015

Well, I 100% agree with them about the courthouse thing. Getting married at the courthouse is your wedding. Another ceremony after that is just a fake re-do.

Are they paying for the wedding?

ShesSoCold · July 2015

Knottie1437336800 said:

Hello! I could use some advice! We are both Jewish, but don't have a strong connection to any Rabbi that we'd want to officiate our service. We thought it would be more meaningful and personal to have the groom's older brother and my (the bride) older sister officiate together. We would incorporate the aspects of a Jewish wedding ceremony that are meaningful to us and add our own personal touches.

The Groom's parents don't like this idea for many reasons.
1. They want us to have a Traditional Jewish wedding
2. We are planning to have the wedding on Saturday evening, and Jewish weddings are typically on Sundays
3. Initially we were going to get married in the courthouse prior to the ceremony, and they felt that we were inviting people to watch us "go through the motions."

We have since suggested several compromises such as having my sister obtain her legal status to officiate in our state so that our ceremony would be legally binding (thus no courthouse).

They still are not on board. How do we explain that we are willing to compromise on almost all the wedding details except for the layout and timing of our ceremony?

None of this is up to them. Right now on another board there's an upset bride because her parents strong-armed her and her FI to get married in a Catholic church that they don't plan to attend. The ceremony is about you and your FI.

I will, however, say that going to the courthouse IS A MARRIAGE CEREMONY. If you do that, you really REALLY should forgo another fake ceremony just for looks. If you want your brother and/or sister to perform your ceremony, they need to do it legally. My brother got ordained online very quickly for like $30. It's easy.

lyndausvi · July 2015

Issue 1 - not up to them.

Issue #2 - How strict are they? Having a Saturday wedding can be an issue for them or other guests if the ceremony falls before sundown. So I would take that into consideration.

Issue #3 - I agree with your in-laws

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Even if they are paying for the wedding they should have no say over what kind of marriage ceremony you should have. Because this ceremony is about you and your FI legally joining in a union. If they pull their funding (if they are paying for the wedding) because you won't go along with their wishes for the ceremony, then you need to accept that and pay for the wedding yourself.

But I do agree with them about the courthouse idea. If you get married at the courthouse prior to your planned wedding then yes, you will be just making your guests watch you go through the motions since you will already be married.

Jen4948 · July 2015

Your parents are correct that any "wedding" you would have after getting married at the courthouse is not your wedding but a reenactment that guests don't appreciate being invited to in lieu of the actual ceremony at the courthouse.

If you don't want to marry in a traditional Jewish ceremony, that's certainly your choice. Whether or not any wedding ceremony is religious and/or "traditional" is not up to the parents of either if the principals. But if they're not willing to pay for any other kind of wedding, that's something you'll have to accept, along with paying for the every aspect of the wedding itself.

Knottie1437336800 · July 2015

They have offered to make a contribution to our wedding. The rest is being paid by my parents and us.

Assuming we take the whole courthouse thing out of it, and my sister (who is already ordained through universal life ministry) figures out what she needs to do in our state, I'm glad to hear some support from you guys!

We have already made accommodations for observant guests- we are having the ceremony at a hotel so they won't have to travel, and it and the reception would only be a 1 floor walk up for those who don't want to take an elevator. We have even offered to have the Ketubah (Jewish wedding agreement) signing at the reception after sundown.

So far they haven't said you can have this money if and only if you do XYZ, but I almost want to thank them and turn the money down so we don't continue to feel this pressure from them.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Knottie1437336800 said:

They have offered to make a contribution to our wedding. The rest is being paid by my parents and us.

Assuming we take the whole courthouse thing out of it, and my sister (who is already ordained through universal life ministry) figures out what she needs to do in our state, I'm glad to hear some support from you guys!

We have already made accommodations for observant guests- we are having the ceremony at a hotel so they won't have to travel, and it and the reception would only be a 1 floor walk up for those who don't want to take an elevator. We have even offered to have the Ketubah (Jewish wedding agreement) signing at the reception after sundown.

So far they haven't said you can have this money if and only if you do XYZ, but I almost want to thank them and turn the money down so we don't continue to feel this pressure from them.

Personally, I would do this. Money always comes with strings and they may not have made their strings known yet, but it is always best to nip it in the bud early so that you don't have drama later.

Jen4948 · July 2015

At this point, stop worrying about whether or not they are on board. If they show up and sit there with primly folded arms and tight lips to show their disapproval, regardless of all the concessions you have made, that's their problem. You don't need to make it yours.

I'd go ahead and decline the money (once they offer it) and plan the actual wedding (not at the courthouse) that works for you and your FI.

lyndausvi · July 2015

Knottie1437336800 said:

They have offered to make a contribution to our wedding. The rest is being paid by my parents and us.

Assuming we take the whole courthouse thing out of it, and my sister (who is already ordained through universal life ministry) figures out what she needs to do in our state, I'm glad to hear some support from you guys!

We have already made accommodations for observant guests- we are having the ceremony at a hotel so they won't have to travel, and it and the reception would only be a 1 floor walk up for those who don't want to take an elevator. We have even offered to have the Ketubah (Jewish wedding agreement) signing at the reception after sundown.

So far they haven't said you can have this money if and only if you do XYZ, but I almost want to thank them and turn the money down so we don't continue to feel this pressure from them.

How long after sundown? They can't even get ready until after sundown.

Only you can decide on what hill you want to die on.

If my guests were observant to the point they can't ride in the elevator I would definitely not have a Saturday night wedding. But that is me, I always think of my guests. You are certainly well within your "rights" to have the Saturday night wedding. Just do not come back and bitch that people are complaining and/or are not coming due to your choice.

ETA - not sure if many people know but if you are an observant Jew you can not use electricity during the Sabbath (sunday Friday to sundown Saturday). You can not drive. You can not do any financial transaction. They have special ovens that have Kosher setting. Even the auto light on the fridge is turned off so it doesn't pop on on the Sabbath.

It's not as simple as "well if they do not like it tough luck". A lot of the guests might not be able to attend the wedding at all.

Knottie1437336800 · July 2015

Out of 250 potential guests, maybe 10 observe shabbat, and maybe 5 are observant to the point that they don't routinely break some rules. We do not observe shabbat, and neither do the groom's parents.

climbingsingle · July 2015

I'd personally turn down their money and plan the kind of ceremony I wanted.

We had one of H's best friends officiate our wedding, and it was really great. It added such a personal touch to the day.

CMGragain · July 2015

Knottie1437336800 said:

Hello! I could use some advice! We are both Jewish, but don't have a strong connection to any Rabbi that we'd want to officiate our service. We thought it would be more meaningful and personal to have the groom's older brother and my (the bride) older sister officiate together. We would incorporate the aspects of a Jewish wedding ceremony that are meaningful to us and add our own personal touches.

The Groom's parents don't like this idea for many reasons.
1. They want us to have a Traditional Jewish wedding
2. We are planning to have the wedding on Saturday evening, and Jewish weddings are typically on Sundays
3. Initially we were going to get married in the courthouse prior to the ceremony, and they felt that we were inviting people to watch us "go through the motions."

We have since suggested several compromises such as having my sister obtain her legal status to officiate in our state so that our ceremony would be legally binding (thus no courthouse).

They still are not on board. How do we explain that we are willing to compromise on almost all the wedding details except for the layout and timing of our ceremony?

1. Your parents are wrong about insisting on a traditional religious ceremony if you are not religious.

2. Are there guests who might not be able to attend on Shabbat? If so, I think you should consider a different day or time.

3. Your parents are 100% correct about this one! No getting married in the courthouse and having a fake, re-enactment ceremony later. Ugh!

BrinkyDink16 · July 2015

They do not get a say in your wedding ceremony. That's the end of the story. My FH comes from a Catholic family and we're having a friend officiate with the legal pronouncement by a reverend who I went to college with. This is not what his family wanted but they're not the ones getting married, we are.

We turned down money from my FH's sister because we knew she would try to use at leverage to get her daughters invited to our no child wedding. So I would agree with politely declining the money because accepting money leads to those giving it thinking they have a say.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

If you don't get married by a rabbi, will your marriage be recognized for religious purposes should you decide to join a temple later? Also, would not being married by a rabbi have any impact if you want to have any kids raised in the jewish faith. Not sure what Jewish equivilant is but basically like baptised. If it doesn't have any impact, I would continue the path you want to go.

Jen4948 · July 2015

Erikan73 said:
If you don't get married by a rabbi, will your marriage be recognized for religious purposes should you decide to join a temple later? Also, would not being married by a rabbi have any impact if you want to have any kids raised in the jewish faith. Not sure what Jewish equivilant is but basically like baptised. If it doesn't have any impact, I would continue the path you want to go.

It is not necessary to have a rabbi officiate to have one's marriage recognized upon joining a synagogue. Also, at Jewish wedding ceremonies, there is nothing about raising children as Jews.

TheCheeseWench · July 2015

Skip the $ and avoid the strings.

1. Not their call. I am having one of my best friends officiate. FILs wanted their (Baptist) minister to be carted out of state with us to do it. I have never met the guy, and we wanted something more personal like you have chosen. I am not Baptist. FI is not Baptist. We will never be Baptist. We asked FFIL, who is a Deacon at his church if he would like to do it, but he declined because 10 years ago he declined when FBIL asked him to officiate his and didn't want to offend him now. Then we asked FBIL. He didn't feel he was "spiritually qualified". Okay, that's fine. I'll call my beer-brewing partner Kellie, and we will have the 0% religious ceremony that we really wanted anyway! Now my Mother disapproves and says she wants to do it so at least it won't be a "heathen wedding". I told her she should have thought about that before insisting on walking me down the aisle, because she can't do both.
I feel ya on this one sister. Do it your way.

2. If it was a huge # of people or VIP guests, I would say move it. If none of those 5 are immediate family, your BFF, or donated an organ to any of the above then have it when you want. Be advised though that non-Fri/Sat weddings have their advantages. Many venues are less expensive on the "off-peak" days. Some other vendors may cut you a deal as well. Heck, many of my guests (the Chef/Bar types esp) are only able to make to mine since it is on a Thursday instead of a weekend!

3. Glad you got sis ordained. I was with them on this one.

Good luck!

Disapproval from Groom's Parents on Ceremony Idea

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