Dear Prudence,
I have been in a good marriage for more than a decade, and we have had what I consider to be a normal, loving sexual relationship. With one major exception—my wife has never achieved orgasm with me. She has always told me it is not a big deal to her, although we have certainly tried and it is something we have discussed repeatedly. She is able to achieve orgasm by herself, but never with me, and she’s said never with any other man. A few nights ago, she accidentally let slip that she did achieve orgasm with her ex-husband. Upon further discussion it turns out it happened many times and very easily. I’m devastated. Why did she never tell me before, given the number and intensity of our discussions on the issue? Am I such a wretched lover that I am hopeless? She feels that since her ex cheated on her, her defensive walls went up and she won’t let herself be vulnerable or trusting enough. I am in quite a tailspin, and she recognizes how deeply I am hurt by this admission and she feels terrible about it. But it’s not something that’s going to be easy to push out of either of our minds when we next try. Help!