Gift for a couple with no registry?

Knottie1433279058 · August 2015

We have a wedding next month, and they couple is not registered. They have already suggested on social media that they would like cash gifts, thus why they have not registered for anything. (In all fairness, they are older and live together, which is why they claimed they did not register for anything.)

I feel their actions of asking for money is beyond tacky and rude. I really do NOT want to give them money, and was wondering what a good alternate would be? Any suggestions?

OliveOilsMom · August 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

We have a wedding next month, and they couple is not registered. They have already suggested on social media that they would like cash gifts, thus why they have not registered for anything. (In all fairness, they are older and live together, which is why they claimed they did not register for anything.)

I feel their actions of asking for money is beyond tacky and rude. I really do NOT want to give them money, and was wondering what a good alternate would be? Any suggestions?

How have they suggested cash gifts? Did they come out and say we want cash. Or did they say, we haven't registered but are saving up for our honeymoon. The first way is tacky and the second is acceptable. People who don't want physical gifts usually do not register.

If you absolutely do not want to give cash, then simply pick out a gift for them that you think they will like.

Knottie1433279058 · August 2015

They said they prefer non gift gifts. And that they welcome full envelopes. And they were not joking around.

monkeysip · August 2015

Definitely tacky of them, but it's up to you whether you'd like to still give them a gift and what type.

Nicest option: Give cash or some kind of gift card

Moderate option: Pick out something nice you think they'd like

Snarky option:

(but make sure to get it engraved with their initials first)

jacques27 · August 2015

If you want to go with a physical gift, a nice picture frame or send them a gift box/basket from someplace like Harry & David. If they are going on a honeymoon immediately after, you may want to refrain from picking highly perishable items or just make sure it's sent in the couple weeks leading up to the wedding or after they get back from their honeymoon.

Otherwise, get them a gift certificate to a decent restaurant in their vicinity.

OliveOilsMom · August 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

They said they prefer non gift gifts. And that they welcome full envelopes. And they were not joking around.

And with that, they would get a physical gift from me and I live in an area where cash gifts are standard.

lyndausvi · August 2015

no one is required to registry. At some point when people keep harping on your what to give you, money is an acceptable answer.

Seriously, what is an acceptable answer to "what do you want as a gift?" Nothing is good, but not always "acceptable' as people feel the need to give a gift.

If they have not registered then you either give money or find a gift on your own they would appreciate.

NO BIG DEAL.

monkeysip · August 2015

lyndausvi said:

no one is required to registry. At some point when people keep harping on your what to give you, money is an acceptable answer.

Seriously, what is an acceptable answer to "what do you want as a gift?" Nothing is good, but not always "acceptable' as people feel the need to give a gift.

If they have not registered then you either give money or find a gift on your own they would appreciate.

NO BIG DEAL.

I agree you don't have to register, and if someone keeps asking you, it's ok to say "we'd really like some money for our ____" But I took it that they were advertising that they wanted money. THAT would not be ok.

STARMOON44 · August 2015

I'd just write them a check. A slightly smaller one than usual.

downtondiva · August 2015

If they say they welcome full envelopes, send them an envelope full of glitter or confetti.

MobKaz · August 2015

OliveOilsMom said:

Knottie1433279058 said:

They said they prefer non gift gifts. And that they welcome full envelopes. And they were not joking around.

And with that, they would get a physical gift from me and I live in an area where cash gifts are standard.

Full envelopes? I'd buy a stationary set with jumbo envelopes, or perhaps one of those "cards for the year" packages. Those are full of envelopes.

photokitty · August 2015

Did you ask them on social media or did they just post that, unprompted, for the world, or at least their friend list, to see?

Jen4948 · August 2015

Give them an envelope with a nice greeting card.

fyrchk · August 2015

I don't understand why people get upset when people don't register. I'm 40 years old and have been on my own since I joined the Army after high school. I bought my own house and furnished it long before I met FI. We don't NEED anything. And, to be honest, we don't have the room for more stuff.

I almost always give money or a gift card to wherever the couple is registered (if they do choose to register). It's easier for me to carry and the bride and groom (or designated person) aren't having to haul a bunch of gifts. Just my two cents.

sparklepants41 · August 2015

fyrchk said:

I don't understand why people get upset when people don't register. I'm 40 years old and have been on my own since I joined the Army after high school. I bought my own house and furnished it long before I met FI. We don't NEED anything. And, to be honest, we don't have the room for more stuff.
I almost always give money or a gift card to wherever the couple is registered (if they do choose to register). It's easier for me to carry and the bride and groom (or designated person) aren't having to haul a bunch of gifts. Just my two cents.

In this case, it's not the lack of registry that's the issue. It's the blatant (and just plain rude) request for money/"full envelopes".

fyrchk · August 2015

I missed the "full envelopes" part. My bad. Thanks for pointing that out!

Jen4948 · August 2015

fyrchk said:

I don't understand why people get upset when people don't register. I'm 40 years old and have been on my own since I joined the Army after high school. I bought my own house and furnished it long before I met FI. We don't NEED anything. And, to be honest, we don't have the room for more stuff.
I almost always give money or a gift card to wherever the couple is registered (if they do choose to register). It's easier for me to carry and the bride and groom (or designated person) aren't having to haul a bunch of gifts. Just my two cents.

Because people are either afraid of running the risk that any gifts they select on their own without a registry won't be liked or appreciated by the recipients, or they just aren't willing to take the time and effort to choose gifts themselves and want to take the easy way out. Or they may just be so deeply invested in registries that it's completely outside their sphere of understanding that nobody's required to register for gifts just because they're getting married or having a baby. So they accuse potential recipients who don't register of being "rude" instead of respecting their decision.

sparklepants41 · August 2015

fyrchk said:

I missed the "full envelopes" part. My bad. Thanks for pointing that out!

I hear ya - I had to read it twice before I saw "full envelopes". It's such a rude request that my eyes kind of refused to read that the first time.

50+andProud · August 2015

I have never been a fan of registries as I like to buy gifts that are more creative/personal, matching what I know of the couple. That said, it can be helpful when you don't know the couple well. For more mature couples or those with already well stocked homes, it's a challenge.

I get the decidedly tacky nature of asking for full envelopes but as a 50+ bride, my FI and I are not registering. We recently combined households and also have our parents households so really, do we need more china (seriously we now have 4 sets of fine china). One thought we had was to not register and not say anything on our website or possibly suggest donations be made to our favorite charities in lieu of a gift. Would this be an acceptable approach?

ShesSoCold · August 2015

50+andProud said:

I have never been a fan of registries as I like to buy gifts that are more creative/personal, matching what I know of the couple. That said, it can be helpful when you don't know the couple well. For more mature couples or those with already well stocked homes, it's a challenge.
I get the decidedly tacky nature of asking for full envelopes but as a 50+ bride, my FI and I are not registering. We recently combined households and also have our parents households so really, do we need more china (seriously we now have 4 sets of fine china). One thought we had was to not register and not say anything on our website or possibly suggest donations be made to our favorite charities in lieu of a gift. Would this be an acceptable approach?

Just don't say anything, anywhere unless people ask you directly.

Jen4948 · August 2015

50+andProud said:

I have never been a fan of registries as I like to buy gifts that are more creative/personal, matching what I know of the couple. That said, it can be helpful when you don't know the couple well. For more mature couples or those with already well stocked homes, it's a challenge.
I get the decidedly tacky nature of asking for full envelopes but as a 50+ bride, my FI and I are not registering. We recently combined households and also have our parents households so really, do we need more china (seriously we now have 4 sets of fine china). One thought we had was to not register and not say anything on our website or possibly suggest donations be made to our favorite charities in lieu of a gift. Would this be an acceptable approach?

Not registering and saying nothing is acceptable.

Asking people to donate to charity "in lieu of a gift to you" is not.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

So I am wondering an OP didn't say... was the "full envelope" comment in response to people hounding them about what they want?? Perhaps it was more of a sarcastic response. I do not care if people aren't registered. I know a few of said get pictures frames or something that suits them.. I for one do not like picture frames. And as far as personal gifts.. that can be really neat but we don't like clutter so little trinkets or blankets or other things that you may think may be us.. may not be. Be very careful with this.

MandyMost · August 2015

RachelLee83 said:

So I am wondering an OP didn't say... was the "full envelope" comment in response to people hounding them about what they want?? Perhaps it was more of a sarcastic response. I do not care if people aren't registered. I know a few of said get pictures frames or something that suits them.. I for one do not like picture frames. And as far as personal gifts.. that can be really neat but we don't like clutter so little trinkets or blankets or other things that you may think may be us.. may not be. Be very careful with this.

If you don't register, you are sending a signal that you want cash. And some people won't give cash, they'll give you something they think you want. And then you'll have to deal with that. If you're particular about what you do and don't want to receive, then that's pretty much why a registry was invented.

snowywinter · August 2015

Knottie1433279058 said:

We have a wedding next month, and they couple is not registered. They have already suggested on social media that they would like cash gifts, thus why they have not registered for anything. (In all fairness, they are older and live together, which is why they claimed they did not register for anything.)

I feel their actions of asking for money is beyond tacky and rude. I really do NOT want to give them money, and was wondering what a good alternate would be? Any suggestions?

I never understand this tit-for-tat crap that people do with friends. So they were asked what they want and they said the truth -- non-gift gifts. So because they implied cash, you "really do NOT want to give them money"? Yeah, okay. When my friends pull off an etiquette faux pas, I may side-eye them, but I don't take off on a passive aggressive gesture of giving them exactly what they said they DIDN'T want. I'm just not passive aggressive like that with people I claim to be friends with.

In my opinion, you have two options -- don't get them a gift (it's not required) or give them what they asked for. Anything else is rude on your part, regardless of their lack of tact.

snowywinter · August 2015

lyndausvi said:

no one is required to registry. At some point when people keep harping on your what to give you, money is an acceptable answer.

Seriously, what is an acceptable answer to "what do you want as a gift?" Nothing is good, but not always "acceptable' as people feel the need to give a gift.

If they have not registered then you either give money or find a gift on your own they would appreciate.

NO BIG DEAL.

Exactly. Why is this such a big deal? So they were honest when asked what they wanted (I'm assuming that wasn't an unsolicited response). So what?

Jen4948 · August 2015

snowywinter said:

lyndausvi said:

no one is required to registry. At some point when people keep harping on your what to give you, money is an acceptable answer.

Seriously, what is an acceptable answer to "what do you want as a gift?" Nothing is good, but not always "acceptable' as people feel the need to give a gift.

If they have not registered then you either give money or find a gift on your own they would appreciate.

NO BIG DEAL.

Exactly. Why is this such a big deal? So they were honest when asked what they wanted (I'm assuming that wasn't an unsolicited response). So what?

It's rude to request cash.

snowywinter · August 2015

Jen4948 said:

snowywinter said:

lyndausvi said:

no one is required to registry. At some point when people keep harping on your what to give you, money is an acceptable answer.

Seriously, what is an acceptable answer to "what do you want as a gift?" Nothing is good, but not always "acceptable' as people feel the need to give a gift.

If they have not registered then you either give money or find a gift on your own they would appreciate.

NO BIG DEAL.

Exactly. Why is this such a big deal? So they were honest when asked what they wanted (I'm assuming that wasn't an unsolicited response). So what?

It's rude to request cash.

Frankly, it's rude to request anything. But if they were asked and they truly don't want or need physical gifts, I don't see a huge crime in implying what you really want. I might side-eye them, but not to the point of being passive aggressive and getting them a gift I know they don't want or need. At that point, if I had such an aversion to giving cash, then I just wouldn't give them anything. In my opinion, it's rude to get a friend something they told you point-blank they don't want.

photokitty · August 2015

snowywinter said:

lyndausvi said:

no one is required to registry. At some point when people keep harping on your what to give you, money is an acceptable answer.

Seriously, what is an acceptable answer to "what do you want as a gift?" Nothing is good, but not always "acceptable' as people feel the need to give a gift.

If they have not registered then you either give money or find a gift on your own they would appreciate.

NO BIG DEAL.

Exactly. Why is this such a big deal? So they were honest when asked what they wanted (I'm assuming that wasn't an unsolicited response). So what?

*****ETA box****
That's why I asked my question. If she said they Want cash bc OP asked in a pm on social media, that's fine.

If the bride posted a status update asking for full envelopes, that is tacky and rude!

The fact that it was on social media means it was probably the latter and super rude.

snowywinter · August 2015

photokitty said:

lyndausvi said:

no one is required to registry. At some point when people keep harping on your what to give you, money is an acceptable answer.

Seriously, what is an acceptable answer to "what do you want as a gift?" Nothing is good, but not always "acceptable' as people feel the need to give a gift.

If they have not registered then you either give money or find a gift on your own they would appreciate.

NO BIG DEAL.

Exactly. Why is this such a big deal? So they were honest when asked what they wanted (I'm assuming that wasn't an unsolicited response). So what?
*****ETA box**** That's why I asked my question. If she said they Want cash bc OP asked in a pm on social media, that's fine. If the bride posted a status update asking for full envelopes, that is tacky and rude! The fact that it was on social media means it was probably the latter and super rude.

Actually, I had the exact opposite thought. If it's on social media, then I would assume that more than one person has asked them what they want, so they put it out there for everyone. I mean, who posts something like that totally unprompted? My guess is they keep getting questions about a registry, so they answered it for all to see. I still don't see the big deal.

aurianna · August 2015

snowywinter said:

Actually, I had the exact opposite thought. If it's on social media, then I would assume that more than one person has asked them what they want, so they put it out there for everyone. I mean, who posts something like that totally unprompted? My guess is they keep getting questions about a registry, so they answered it for all to see. I still don't see the big deal.

Well, to answer your question: really rude people might post something like that unprompted.

Gifts aren't required. No one has to give the couple gifts. So if a couple is tired of their generous guests asking them what kind of free stuff they might want, oh well. Get over it. People are giving them free stuff. If they have to say "We have all the household items we need, but we're actually saving for a honeymoon/car/house/adoption/etc" 200 different times, so be it.
You're getting presents. The least you can do is field a simple question from any one person who asks. And putting it out on facebook for all to see is incredibly tacky, because not only is it telling everyone that you expect gifts, it's also telling people that you expect envelopes of money. ew ew ew.

Hopefully the full envelopes was just a comment made privately between OP and her friend. A big social media blast for all to see like that would be unforgivable (and really, even a private message like that is pretty gross. There are a lot more genteel ways of asking for money. Saying you want full envelopes is not one of them).

OP, either give cash (maybe less than you'd have spent on a gift), or perhaps give them a gift card they might enjoy (do they have a favorite restaurant / hobby / activity?

Knottie86667276 · September 2015

This was posted unprompted, along with the proper attire to wear, reminding women that NO ONE should wear white and letting people know that the bridesmaids would be wearing burgundy, so women might also want to avoid that color.

To say this women is obsessed with her wedding is an understatement...she posts about how many days are left, about fittings, the music at her wedding...SEVERAL times per day. When the mother of the flower girl posted about her being ill, she responded by asking if she'll be okay for the wedding...she's just over the top. I feel bad for her when her wedding is over because what will she do then???? But I digress...

Her attitude makes me want to give her a $100 gift card to Dollar General, but I'm going to give her a cash gift with personalized wine glasses...

Gift for a couple with no registry?

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