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Wedding 911

How to tell a bridesmaid she is no longer part of the wedding

Please bear with me as this post may be rather long and it is a problem that is stressing me immensely.

I have a bridesmaid that I have known for the past eleven years and I immediately asked her to be part of my wedding after my fiance` proposed this past December. Her personality is both parts bossy and flirty, which I've come to accept as part of her. My fiance` and I invited her over to our small super bowl party this past February. Things were going well until I went to get pizza and when I returned to the room, she was trying to tickle him and was being extremely touchy-feely while my fiance` looked uncomfortable to no end. I was instantly upset and told her of my concern. She claimed that she was just being playful and I forgave her, seeing as we had been friends for so long.

Flash forward to last month, my friend was over and we were all swimming. My fiance` started feeling pretty bad afterwards and went into our room to lay down and rest after I told him that my friend and I were just going to catch up and watch movies in our living room. As we were making our way to the living room and talking, my friend instead goes into our bedroom and crawls into bed with my fiance`, asking what movie we were going to watch. The look on both of our faces were probably priceless.

My question is this: How do I tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid? I know it is probably simpler than I'm making it out to be, but even though she has been ridiculous I'm not the kind of person who likes to step on people's toes.

Re: How to tell a bridesmaid she is no longer part of the wedding

  • Rae11417 said:
    Please bear with me as this post may be rather long and it is a problem that is stressing me immensely.

    I have a bridesmaid that I have known for the past eleven years and I immediately asked her to be part of my wedding after my fiance` proposed this past December. Her personality is both parts bossy and flirty, which I've come to accept as part of her. My fiance` and I invited her over to our small super bowl party this past February. Things were going well until I went to get pizza and when I returned to the room, she was trying to tickle him and was being extremely touchy-feely while my fiance` looked uncomfortable to no end. I was instantly upset and told her of my concern. She claimed that she was just being playful and I forgave her, seeing as we had been friends for so long.

    Flash forward to last month, my friend was over and we were all swimming. My fiance` started feeling pretty bad afterwards and went into our room to lay down and rest after I told him that my friend and I were just going to catch up and watch movies in our living room. As we were making our way to the living room and talking, my friend instead goes into our bedroom and crawls into bed with my fiance`, asking what movie we were going to watch. The look on both of our faces were probably priceless.

    My question is this: How do I tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid? I know it is probably simpler than I'm making it out to be, but even though she has been ridiculous I'm not the kind of person who likes to step on people's toes.

    Typically it's not alright to kick people out of your wedding party, but here it a good reason to do so. Have you confronted her on her behavior? Said something like "hey friend, you're being a bit too touchy feely and flirtacious around my FI." If you haven't you probably should.
    PupatellaOliveOilsMom
  • Generally, kicking someone out of the wedding is a friendship ending move.  Are you prepared for that?

    Note: I'm not saying you shouldn't kick her out and I'm not advocating continuing to be friends with her.  I'm just letting you know that generally speaking this sort of thing ends friendships altogether and you need to be prepared for that.

    Also, your story confuses me.  This happened last month.  So, what did you say then?  What was her response?  Did you all just crawl into bed and watch the movie in uncomfortable silence then?  Have you not actually talked about it with her between then and now?  There's something missing from your story here and that might change my answer. 

    Otherwise, if you're ready to call it quits on this person as your friend, then just say "I'm really sorry it has come to this, but that incident a few weeks ago where you crawled into bed was definitely not ok.  This is now the second time something like this has happened and that behavior is not something I'm comfortable with.  I no longer feel comfortable asking you to stand up as a bridesmaid at my wedding."
    Pupatella[Deleted User]
  • I suggested that she should leave and that I was uncomfortable with her behavior with my fiancé. She claimed she didn't see anything where she was in the wrong. Thank you for your advice and how I should tell her.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    jacques27 said:

    Generally, kicking someone out of the wedding is a friendship ending move.  Are you prepared for that?

    Note: I'm not saying you shouldn't kick her out and I'm not advocating continuing to be friends with her.  I'm just letting you know that generally speaking this sort of thing ends friendships altogether and you need to be prepared for that.

    Also, your story confuses me.  This happened last month.  So, what did you say then?  What was her response?  Did you all just crawl into bed and watch the movie in uncomfortable silence then?  Have you not actually talked about it with her between then and now?  There's something missing from your story here and that might change my answer. 

    Otherwise, if you're ready to call it quits on this person as your friend, then just say "I'm really sorry it has come to this, but that incident a few weeks ago where you crawled into bed was definitely not ok.  This is now the second time something like this has happened and that behavior is not something I'm comfortable with.  I no longer feel comfortable asking you to stand up as a bridesmaid at my wedding."

    Why do you expect the OP to remain friends with a bridesmaid who slept with her fiance?

    There are a few instances when kicking out a bridesmaid is reasonable, and that's because she betrayed the friendship. Sex with the groom is one of them.

    The bigger question is, OP: The fact that you caught your FI in bed with your bridesmaid raises a huge red flag of issues that I think you need to deal with before you marry your FI.
  • Jen4948 said:
    Generally, kicking someone out of the wedding is a friendship ending move.  Are you prepared for that?

    Note: I'm not saying you shouldn't kick her out and I'm not advocating continuing to be friends with her.  I'm just letting you know that generally speaking this sort of thing ends friendships altogether and you need to be prepared for that.

    Also, your story confuses me.  This happened last month.  So, what did you say then?  What was her response?  Did you all just crawl into bed and watch the movie in uncomfortable silence then?  Have you not actually talked about it with her between then and now?  There's something missing from your story here and that might change my answer. 

    Otherwise, if you're ready to call it quits on this person as your friend, then just say "I'm really sorry it has come to this, but that incident a few weeks ago where you crawled into bed was definitely not ok.  This is now the second time something like this has happened and that behavior is not something I'm comfortable with.  I no longer feel comfortable asking you to stand up as a bridesmaid at my wedding."
    Why do you expect the OP to remain friends with a bridesmaid who slept with her fiance? There are a few instances when kicking out a bridesmaid is reasonable, and that's because she betrayed the friendship. Sex with the groom is one of them. The bigger question is, OP: The fact that you caught your FI in bed with your bridesmaid raises a huge red flag of issues that I think you need to deal with before you marry your FI.
    What part of "I'm not advocating continuing to be friends with her" was unclear to you?

    But, she left out huge parts of the story about what happened afterwards.  Hopping fully clothed onto a made bed like you're going to watch movies is a little bit different than having sex with someone or trying to have sex with someone.  And not actually saying anything at the time and letting her go on thinking they are friends and she's still a bridesmaid for anywhere from 1-5 weeks depending on how long ago "last month" actually was tells me that it wasn't as serious as her trying to have sex with him and not as grievous as to immediately end the friendship or the OP would have done it "last month".  Or possibly the OP wanted to maintain a limited friendship (no longer having the friend around FI and maybe they are just coffee date friends only from here on out), since she just said she wanted to kick her out, not actually end the friendship.  Or maybe the OP is just a pushover.  WHo knows?  Hence, why I let her know that it's usually the whole kit and kaboodle.  I'm not here to tell her who she can and cannot be friends with (I've seen people continue to be friends with shittier people for whatever reason seems to float their boat) - just what the consequences are to her actions since she was pretty vague.
    LondonLisaOliveOilsMom[Deleted User]speakeasy14
  • Jen4948 said:
    Generally, kicking someone out of the wedding is a friendship ending move.  Are you prepared for that?

    Note: I'm not saying you shouldn't kick her out and I'm not advocating continuing to be friends with her.  I'm just letting you know that generally speaking this sort of thing ends friendships altogether and you need to be prepared for that.

    Also, your story confuses me.  This happened last month.  So, what did you say then?  What was her response?  Did you all just crawl into bed and watch the movie in uncomfortable silence then?  Have you not actually talked about it with her between then and now?  There's something missing from your story here and that might change my answer. 

    Otherwise, if you're ready to call it quits on this person as your friend, then just say "I'm really sorry it has come to this, but that incident a few weeks ago where you crawled into bed was definitely not ok.  This is now the second time something like this has happened and that behavior is not something I'm comfortable with.  I no longer feel comfortable asking you to stand up as a bridesmaid at my wedding."
    Why do you expect the OP to remain friends with a bridesmaid who slept with her fiance? There are a few instances when kicking out a bridesmaid is reasonable, and that's because she betrayed the friendship. Sex with the groom is one of them. The bigger question is, OP: The fact that you caught your FI in bed with your bridesmaid raises a huge red flag of issues that I think you need to deal with before you marry your FI.
    Did I miss something? Where does it say the bridesmaid slept with the groom?
    [Deleted User]speakeasy14madamerwinEatDrinkBeWoods
  • Rae11417 said:
    Please bear with me as this post may be rather long and it is a problem that is stressing me immensely.

    I have a bridesmaid that I have known for the past eleven years and I immediately asked her to be part of my wedding after my fiance` proposed this past December. Her personality is both parts bossy and flirty, which I've come to accept as part of her. My fiance` and I invited her over to our small super bowl party this past February. Things were going well until I went to get pizza and when I returned to the room, she was trying to tickle him and was being extremely touchy-feely while my fiance` looked uncomfortable to no end. I was instantly upset and told her of my concern. She claimed that she was just being playful and I forgave her, seeing as we had been friends for so long.

    Flash forward to last month, my friend was over and we were all swimming. My fiance` started feeling pretty bad afterwards and went into our room to lay down and rest after I told him that my friend and I were just going to catch up and watch movies in our living room. As we were making our way to the living room and talking, my friend instead goes into our bedroom and crawls into bed with my fiance`, asking what movie we were going to watch. The look on both of our faces were probably priceless.

    My question is this: How do I tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid? I know it is probably simpler than I'm making it out to be, but even though she has been ridiculous I'm not the kind of person who likes to step on people's toes.
    I had a friend who acted like this with my FI years ago, when we first started dating. We both just met the girl through our good friends, and she seemed like she was trying to make moves on him (trying to tickle/wrestle, cuddle during movies when they were alone, etc.). It turned out that she didn't mean anything by it, and there was actually a big blowout because she was upset that we read into those things....but in the end we talked and figured it out. She's not one of my BMs now, but she IS a good friend who is a nonnegotiable part of our invite list.

    However, when this was happening, my then-BF was the one to confront her, without me present. He made it super clear that he was uncomfortable, and explained that he felt like she was trying to make him unfaithful to me. Apparently he was really heavy on the part where he loved me and didn't want to build a friendship with someone who didn't support that. Since he was the one who talked to her, we avoided me just seeming like a jealous GF, and he was able to create boundaries as an individual, so they could hang out 1 on 1 without her thinking that certain behaviors were alright just because I was around.

    I'm not saying that you should stay friends with this person if you really thinks she means anything by her actions, but if you think it's innocent but obnoxious, this is how I'd deal with it. Since it's behavior she's exhibiting with your FI, make him take the lead on saying he's uncomfortable and setting boundaries. 
    spockforprez
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    jacques27 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Generally, kicking someone out of the wedding is a friendship ending move.  Are you prepared for that?

    Note: I'm not saying you shouldn't kick her out and I'm not advocating continuing to be friends with her.  I'm just letting you know that generally speaking this sort of thing ends friendships altogether and you need to be prepared for that.

    Also, your story confuses me.  This happened last month.  So, what did you say then?  What was her response?  Did you all just crawl into bed and watch the movie in uncomfortable silence then?  Have you not actually talked about it with her between then and now?  There's something missing from your story here and that might change my answer. 

    Otherwise, if you're ready to call it quits on this person as your friend, then just say "I'm really sorry it has come to this, but that incident a few weeks ago where you crawled into bed was definitely not ok.  This is now the second time something like this has happened and that behavior is not something I'm comfortable with.  I no longer feel comfortable asking you to stand up as a bridesmaid at my wedding."
    Why do you expect the OP to remain friends with a bridesmaid who slept with her fiance? There are a few instances when kicking out a bridesmaid is reasonable, and that's because she betrayed the friendship. Sex with the groom is one of them. The bigger question is, OP: The fact that you caught your FI in bed with your bridesmaid raises a huge red flag of issues that I think you need to deal with before you marry your FI.
    What part of "I'm not advocating continuing to be friends with her" was unclear to you?

    But, she left out huge parts of the story about what happened afterwards.  Hopping fully clothed onto a made bed like you're going to watch movies is a little bit different than having sex with someone or trying to have sex with someone.  And not actually saying anything at the time and letting her go on thinking they are friends and she's still a bridesmaid for anywhere from 1-5 weeks depending on how long ago "last month" actually was tells me that it wasn't as serious as her trying to have sex with him and not as grievous as to immediately end the friendship or the OP would have done it "last month".  Or possibly the OP wanted to maintain a limited friendship (no longer having the friend around FI and maybe they are just coffee date friends only from here on out), since she just said she wanted to kick her out, not actually end the friendship.  Or maybe the OP is just a pushover.  WHo knows?  Hence, why I let her know that it's usually the whole kit and kaboodle.  I'm not here to tell her who she can and cannot be friends with (I've seen people continue to be friends with shittier people for whatever reason seems to float their boat) - just what the consequences are to her actions since she was pretty vague.

    If you're not here to tell her who she can and cannot be friends with, then you don't need to point out to her that kicking the girl out of the wedding party is a friendship ending move, since it sounds like she wants to end the friendship anyway.

    Oh, and what part of "being extremely touchy-feely" did you not read in the OP?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    Generally, kicking someone out of the wedding is a friendship ending move.  Are you prepared for that?

    Note: I'm not saying you shouldn't kick her out and I'm not advocating continuing to be friends with her.  I'm just letting you know that generally speaking this sort of thing ends friendships altogether and you need to be prepared for that.

    Also, your story confuses me.  This happened last month.  So, what did you say then?  What was her response?  Did you all just crawl into bed and watch the movie in uncomfortable silence then?  Have you not actually talked about it with her between then and now?  There's something missing from your story here and that might change my answer. 

    Otherwise, if you're ready to call it quits on this person as your friend, then just say "I'm really sorry it has come to this, but that incident a few weeks ago where you crawled into bed was definitely not ok.  This is now the second time something like this has happened and that behavior is not something I'm comfortable with.  I no longer feel comfortable asking you to stand up as a bridesmaid at my wedding."
    Why do you expect the OP to remain friends with a bridesmaid who slept with her fiance? There are a few instances when kicking out a bridesmaid is reasonable, and that's because she betrayed the friendship. Sex with the groom is one of them. The bigger question is, OP: The fact that you caught your FI in bed with your bridesmaid raises a huge red flag of issues that I think you need to deal with before you marry your FI.
    Did I miss something? Where does it say the bridesmaid slept with the groom?

    This. Not saying what she did was ok, but we've gone from her getting in the bed asking about movies to her having sex with him and "catching them in bed together."
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    Maggie0829OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]speakeasy14
  • Seriously, reading comprehension?  Have we just given up on that?

    "Extremely touchy feely" was an incident in February at a Super Bowl party.

    The incident last month... "My fiance` started feeling pretty bad afterwards and went into our room to lay down and rest after I told him that my friend and I were just going to catch up and watch movies in our living room. As we were making our way to the living room and talking, my friend instead goes into our bedroom and crawls into bed with my fiance`, asking what movie we were going to watch. The look on both of our faces were probably priceless."

    So, this implies both the OP and the FI were in the room, since the look on BOTH of their faces was probably priceless.  That's some guts if bridesmaid actually slept with the fiance with OP watching then.

    And, not everyone necessarily realizes that kicking someone out of the wedding = ending friendship.  Meanwhile, ending a friendship almost certainly would imply a person is not going to continue to be in someone's wedding.  She only mentioned kicking her out of the wedding and didn't end the friendship on the spot (effectively taking care of the wedding, too), which could potentially be up for interpretation as to what the OP wanted, since she didn't provide further details initially.
    OliveOilsMomAddieCakespeakeasy14madamerwin
  • jacques27 said:
    Seriously, reading comprehension?  Have we just given up on that?

    "Extremely touchy feely" was an incident in February at a Super Bowl party.

    The incident last month... "My fiance` started feeling pretty bad afterwards and went into our room to lay down and rest after I told him that my friend and I were just going to catch up and watch movies in our living room. As we were making our way to the living room and talking, my friend instead goes into our bedroom and crawls into bed with my fiance`, asking what movie we were going to watch. The look on both of our faces were probably priceless."

    So, this implies both the OP and the FI were in the room, since the look on BOTH of their faces was probably priceless.  That's some guts if bridesmaid actually slept with the fiance with OP watching then.

    And, not everyone necessarily realizes that kicking someone out of the wedding = ending friendship.  Meanwhile, ending a friendship almost certainly would imply a person is not going to continue to be in someone's wedding.  She only mentioned kicking her out of the wedding and didn't end the friendship on the spot (effectively taking care of the wedding, too), which could potentially be up for interpretation as to what the OP wanted, since she didn't provide further details initially.
    Thank you so much. This kind of blew my mind how instantaneously things grew from my bridesmaid getting into bed to actually sleeping with my FI. She and I have spoken since I told her it the situation made both of us uncomfortable, but I have distanced myself from her. I get the feeling that she realizes what I have done. I wasn't trying to bare everything that had happened, I was only trying to explain the situation to see how best to let her know she would no longer be a direct part of our day. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If you don't want to remain freinds with her, you should just tell her that you feel her behavior toward your fiance warrant removing her from the wedding party. Since you're removing her, you should give her any $$ she has spent on her dress.

    I would also like to know how your fi reacted. 
                       
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Heffalump said:
    CMGragain said:
    When I was engaged to DH, a cousin of mine (who had an alcohol problem) walked over to him, sat in his lap, and kissed him on the mouth.   He stood up, dumped her on the floor, and walked away without saying a word.  Done.
    So, what did your FI do?
    This is exactly what I've been wondering.  She was tickling him and getting touchy-feely with him and you told her to stop.  She crawled in bed with your FI and you told her it made you uncomfortable.  What has your FI said to her?
    Add me to the list.   Is your FI telling her HE is uncomfortable with her flirtiness? 

    I get being an adult it hard, but if you do not want her in the WP, just tell her.   Be honest.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • @Jen4948 what the heck are you talking about? I am so lost as to where in the world you possibly got the impression that OP's (former?) BM slept with or tried to sleep with her FI.  Absolutely nowhere does it say she "caught her FI in bed" with this woman- she was very clearly present for the entire incident of the BM walking into the bedroom and getting into the bed (presumably fully clothed) so no one was "caught" doing anything.

    OP, I think it would help us help you if you clarify- what kind of relationship do you want with this woman going forward? First and foremost, do you want to maintain your friendship on any level? Would you still want her to attend the wedding, just as a guest? You're not really giving us a lot of indication of how serious a breach this is to you, so it's hard to know what you should say to her.
  • I appreciate all of the advice and replies y'all have given me. I worked the situation out and everything is okay now. I realized I wanted to keep the friendship and my friend admitted to acting childish. She is going to remain in the bridal party.
    ShesSoColdJediElizabethphotokitty
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2015
    Rae11417 said:
    I appreciate all of the advice and replies y'all have given me. I worked the situation out and everything is okay now. I realized I wanted to keep the friendship and my friend admitted to acting childish. She is going to remain in the bridal party.
    Did she explain why she thought getting in bed with your fi was a good idea?
    BabyFruit Ticker
    speakeasy14
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