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Etiquette of Rehearsal Dinner HELL I MEAN HELP!

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Re: Etiquette of Rehearsal Dinner HELL I MEAN HELP!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    lyndausvi said:
    Jen4948 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    It doesn't seem like either one wants to compromise.

    Hosts of events often pick the location.   That is pretty standard.  Sure sometimes the hosts will asked for suggestion, but as the hosts they are well within their rights to pick any restaurant they want.   

    If the rehearsal is on Thursday then it can be just a simply a hosted dinner.  Not a RD, wedding party does not even need to be invited.   It's just a dinner that happens to be the night before the wedding.  She can still go to the spa with her mom.

    I feel like people are getting too hung up on the term "rehearsal dinner".    I'm just giving out of the box suggestions on how MIL can still host a dinner the night before.  If there is not rehearsal on Friday, then the location is not inconvenient to those attending since it's 24 hours later.  

    Whether it works as a compromise depends.  If it's possible for the OP and everyone else involved in the WP and going to the spa to do both on Friday, yes, that could work.  But if not, and the OP planned the spa trip for Friday based on the earlier plan that the rehearsal was going to be on Thursday, then expecting her to cancel whatever she has planned for Friday so the MOG can stroke her ego by hosting something on that day isn't reasonable. 

    The MOG isn't entitled to expect her and everyone else in the WP to be at her beck and call.  If neither Thursday nor Friday work for all concerned, and apparently Friday doesn't, then she needs to do her hosting on another day, regardless of what she's hosting.  That's life.

    you keep missing the part when I said the WP doesn't even have to be invited.  Thus the amount of people coordinating is lowered.    The compromise is MIL gets to still host a dinner, it's just a much smaller amount of people.  I.e only say the parents and siblings.  Maybe some random aunt.   

    Everyone else keeps adding the WP members.  They are not necessary since it's not an RD anymore.  Just a small dinner party the night before the wedding.


    again she doesn't have to do it, but it seems more of a compromised than nothing at all.
    If she really wants to compromise and host something, then she can pick a different date.  Almost any other date in the calendar.  But by insisting on Friday, she's not compromising.  A compromise has to include concessions from both sides.  What is she conceding if she's insisting on hosting and insisting on that day?
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  • MGPMGP member
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    CElizabeth419 said:

    Additionally, as OP noted, the FMIL is insisting on hosting a RD in a place that is difficult to get to for the couple, based on FSIL's tastes, on a day when the venue cannot accommodate a rehearsal. This seems rude to everyone BUT the FMIL and FSIL, who are running the show. Why can't they go to that place for FSIL's birthday, and go somewhere close to the venue for the RD?


    All of this.

    The circumstances are a bit muddled with the posts but what I am gathering:

    the MOG wants to host a "rehearsal dinner" on a night that the rehearsal is not taking place
    if the couple opts to have a rehearsal on a different day that still puts someone (probably them) on the hook to host something after the actual rehearsal
    despite the couple offering a dozen restaurant options the MOG decided on a place that they do not like that is not convenient for their guests, and just so happens to be a favorite of the sister of the groom

    I don't blame the OP for backing out.  First it's inconvenient for their guests between a far away location and a separate date from the actual rehearsal.  Second while a host has every right to host an event wherever they want, I think it's really rude to not take into consideration the guests of honor (as long as it fits their budget of course).

    My best friend tried to pull that last year and booked a location for my birthday dinner after I "took too long getting back with her" aka I didn't respond within 30 minutes in the middle of a work day but that's a conversation for another time.  Anyways I told her that was BS and we ended up going somewhere that worked much better for our group.  I'm not a diva or a birthday person by any means, but I do take my food seriously.  :)

    Granted there are certainly some compromise options, just trying to see this from all sides. . . 
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm gonna go ahead and agree with the PP's who think it's silly/selfish/whatever to agree to do the dinner Friday night and then back out. Let me preface my explanation of WHY I think that with the following: this is the etiquette board and there is absolutely nothing wrong etiquette-wise with declining the dinner on Friday.

    BUT to me personally it just seems childish. OP's FILs are trying to do something nice by offering to throw them a celebratory dinner. They probably are sad that hosting dinner after the rehearsal didn't work out, and just want another way to be involved and to celebrate the happy couple. That doesn't make them monsters.

    This is just SO not the thing I would recommend anyone "putting their foot down" on. I say suck it up and got to the dinner for an hour rather that start your marriage off with a bad taste in these people's lives. Not a hill to die on.
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  • MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    themosthappy91 said:

    I'm gonna go ahead and agree with the PP's who think it's silly/selfish/whatever to agree to do the dinner Friday night and then back out. Let me preface my explanation of WHY I think that with the following: this is the etiquette board and there is absolutely nothing wrong etiquette-wise with declining the dinner on Friday.


    BUT to me personally it just seems childish. OP's FILs are trying to do something nice by offering to throw them a celebratory dinner. They probably are sad that hosting dinner after the rehearsal didn't work out, and just want another way to be involved and to celebrate the happy couple. That doesn't make them monsters.

    This is just SO not the thing I would recommend anyone "putting their foot down" on. I say suck it up and got to the dinner for an hour rather that start your marriage off with a bad taste in these people's lives. Not a hill to die on.
    Totally get where you are coming from. I just have to ask though - would you be thrilled about going to a restaurant you don't like at an inconvenient location the night before your wedding for no other reason but "the in laws just wanted to do something nice for us"? I sure wouldn't and given the burden it would put on my other guests I would have declined as well.

    It just sounds like OP should have agreed on the terms of the Friday night dinner before accepting and this all would be a non issue.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2015
    lyndausvi said:


    PrettyGirlLost said:

    lyndausvi said:


    scribe95 said:

    It's fine if you don't want to have a rehearsal/dinner but I do wonder what is so stressful about meeting for dinner Friday night? It doesn't strike me as a thing that would be particularly taxing. Spend your day at the spa on Friday, meet for dinner, go home and sleep for the big day. I am not understanding that part. Having the mother of the groom not be able to attend the Thursday dinner is pretty big deal in my thinking. Sounds like she wants to spend time with family but has a real work commitment.



    This.  Why is a dinner the night before so stressful.    I had one with 100+ people and it was not big deal.   Actually I've been to a shit ton dinners the night before and it was no issue for the couple.
     
    I kind-of feel like you are doing things wrong if you think it's going to be stressfull to have dinner with your family.

    ::shrugs::

    I would skit the rehearsal and have a dinner on friday night.   That's just me though.   If you do not want to have anything then done.    
    Why is dinner with family or ILs the night before your wedding stressful?

    Well my own family is dysfunctional as fuck and *any* family dinner is pretty stressful, whether it's just a random Sunday or a RD. It could be that OPs ILs are also dysfunctional to deal with, or emotional vampires, who knows.

    If she and her FI don't want to have dinner with them on Friday, that's their perogative.

    I agree.  They do not have to have dinner with anyone on Friday.


    Take the "rehearsal" out of the dinner.  Her in-laws want to host a dinner in their honor. It's nice thing to do.  They agreed, then backed out.    If I was the FMIL I would be hurt also.   Especially since do to know fault of her own she can't attend on Thursday.

    There might be some jealously too.  MOB gets to hang with the couple both Thursday and Friday.  She gets nothing.

    I think a compromised would having them host the parents and maybe siblings on Friday night.  No WP members. Just a family dinner.

    You can do what you want.   Just giving other options.


    Fair enough and I agree, it's rude to agree to plans then back out at last minute. Adults who are old enough to be getting married should be able to be honest with other people up front, and politely decline things they really don't want to do.

    ETA: I get where Starmoon is coming from, and generally I do think it's a good idea, for the sake of future relationships, to try and compromise and make it work with family.

    But my tolerance for other adults' issues and my willingness to appease those issues is at an all time low these days, lol. In this case, while I think OP, well her FI, should have been honest with the ILs that the Friday time and venue doesn't work for them and they will decline this kind offer of dinner, I don't think she's being rude or selfish by not wanting to attend this dinner. If her FMIL and FSIL really choose to be butthurt over something that's really pretty insignificant, ultimately that's on them. And ppl who are easily offended over perceived slights don't really tend to change. . .OP and her FI could suck it up and go to this dinner, and I'm willing to bet these two will get butthurt over something else eventually.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    Still can't even. Not even a little tiny bit. Two close family members cannot attend because of work. If you don't reschedule you're being selfish.
    She can't reschedule the rehearsal. . .the venue ONLY does it on Thursdays. And it doesn't sound like the OP nor her FI are actually close to his mother and sister. . .the only two ppl in his family she mentioned having a shit fit about a fucking rehearsal dinner. Why isn't his Dad upset too? Maybe because it's not really a big deal and his wife and daughter are being drama llamas? The rehearsal is on Thursday and has to be followed by an RD, OP and her parents are doing that. OP and her FI are not obligated to attend another dinner with his family, just because they are having a diva fit. Doesn't matter if they want a spa day, a night of pre wedding sex, they can't actually stand his family, etc. That's all irrelevant. And we aren't really going to try and reinforce the antiquated marriage "traditions" of whom pays for what on this board now, are we? Not when we tell SS's all the damn time to stop feeling entitled to other people's money and pay for their own damn weddings themselves like grown ass adults. Should we next be advising people on NEY to make sure they have a solid dowry set aside in case their BF decides to ask Daddy for permission to marry? Ugh, I can't even.
    The bolded is the important part out of all that has been discussed.  This is FI Mom and sister. From what OP said, her FI is not close AT ALL to his Mom and sister because they do not treat him very well.  So if FI is cool with declining the dinner then that should be his right.

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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    MGP said:
    I'm gonna go ahead and agree with the PP's who think it's silly/selfish/whatever to agree to do the dinner Friday night and then back out. Let me preface my explanation of WHY I think that with the following: this is the etiquette board and there is absolutely nothing wrong etiquette-wise with declining the dinner on Friday.

    BUT to me personally it just seems childish. OP's FILs are trying to do something nice by offering to throw them a celebratory dinner. They probably are sad that hosting dinner after the rehearsal didn't work out, and just want another way to be involved and to celebrate the happy couple. That doesn't make them monsters.

    This is just SO not the thing I would recommend anyone "putting their foot down" on. I say suck it up and got to the dinner for an hour rather that start your marriage off with a bad taste in these people's lives. Not a hill to die on.
    Totally get where you are coming from. I just have to ask though - would you be thrilled about going to a restaurant you don't like at an inconvenient location the night before your wedding for no other reason but "the in laws just wanted to do something nice for us"? I sure wouldn't and given the burden it would put on my other guests I would have declined as well. It just sounds like OP should have agreed on the terms of the Friday night dinner before accepting and this all would be a non issue.
    Would I be thrilled? Absolutely not. Would I do it? Yeah I would. Honestly if it were me I'd just say "Look, X restaurant is kind of more out of the way than we wanted to go and we'd really appreciate if you'd reconsider the list we gave you." I don't understand why that wasn't said a long time before "cancel the whole thing."

    But of course, it's a whole different story if they don't care about having a good relationship with these people. If they genuinely are indifferent and don't mind causing hurt feelings over this, go for it.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
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    Jen4948 said:
    themosthappy91 said:
    MGP said:
    I'm gonna go ahead and agree with the PP's who think it's silly/selfish/whatever to agree to do the dinner Friday night and then back out. Let me preface my explanation of WHY I think that with the following: this is the etiquette board and there is absolutely nothing wrong etiquette-wise with declining the dinner on Friday.

    BUT to me personally it just seems childish. OP's FILs are trying to do something nice by offering to throw them a celebratory dinner. They probably are sad that hosting dinner after the rehearsal didn't work out, and just want another way to be involved and to celebrate the happy couple. That doesn't make them monsters.

    This is just SO not the thing I would recommend anyone "putting their foot down" on. I say suck it up and got to the dinner for an hour rather that start your marriage off with a bad taste in these people's lives. Not a hill to die on.
    Totally get where you are coming from. I just have to ask though - would you be thrilled about going to a restaurant you don't like at an inconvenient location the night before your wedding for no other reason but "the in laws just wanted to do something nice for us"? I sure wouldn't and given the burden it would put on my other guests I would have declined as well. It just sounds like OP should have agreed on the terms of the Friday night dinner before accepting and this all would be a non issue.
    Would I be thrilled? Absolutely not. Would I do it? Yeah I would. Honestly if it were me I'd just say "Look, X restaurant is kind of more out of the way than we wanted to go and we'd really appreciate if you'd reconsider the list we gave you." I don't understand why that wasn't said a long time before "cancel the whole thing."

    But of course, it's a whole different story if they don't care about having a good relationship with these people. If they genuinely are indifferent and don't mind causing hurt feelings over this, go for it.
    Well, let's see...the FMIL insisted that the dinner be held on Friday, despite the fact that the OP already made plans, she asked for a list of restaurants, was given a list of 12, and picked one that wasn't on the list, the OP and her FI don't like, and isn't convenient for them, and is now the one sulking.  Sounds like she's the one hurting feelings and indifferent to the hurt feelings she's causing, not the other way around.
    Oh no you're absolutely right the FMIL is being difficult and giving cause for hurt feelings too, I just hope the bride could be the bigger person. Again, she's under no obligation too, but the fact her FMIL is doing all this crap that she shouldn't have to deal with doesn't change the fact that OPs response is probably going to cause hurt feelings too, so IMO it'd I'd rather suck it up than continue the chain reaction.

    Also just to clarify- FMIL's proposed dinner isn't actually taking place of plans the OP already had, is it? My impression was that the bride was busy that day with like a spa day or something and just didn't want to go out again across town that night.... I def. wouldn't cancel pre-existing plans if that was the case.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    themosthappy91 said:


    Jen4948 said:


    themosthappy91 said:


    MGP said:

    I'm gonna go ahead and agree with the PP's who think it's silly/selfish/whatever to agree to do the dinner Friday night and then back out. Let me preface my explanation of WHY I think that with the following: this is the etiquette board and there is absolutely nothing wrong etiquette-wise with declining the dinner on Friday.

    BUT to me personally it just seems childish. OP's FILs are trying to do something nice by offering to throw them a celebratory dinner. They probably are sad that hosting dinner after the rehearsal didn't work out, and just want another way to be involved and to celebrate the happy couple. That doesn't make them monsters.

    This is just SO not the thing I would recommend anyone "putting their foot down" on. I say suck it up and got to the dinner for an hour rather that start your marriage off with a bad taste in these people's lives. Not a hill to die on.
    Totally get where you are coming from. I just have to ask though - would you be thrilled about going to a restaurant you don't like at an inconvenient location the night before your wedding for no other reason but "the in laws just wanted to do something nice for us"? I sure wouldn't and given the burden it would put on my other guests I would have declined as well.

    It just sounds like OP should have agreed on the terms of the Friday night dinner before accepting and this all would be a non issue.

    Would I be thrilled? Absolutely not. Would I do it? Yeah I would. Honestly if it were me I'd just say "Look, X restaurant is kind of more out of the way than we wanted to go and we'd really appreciate if you'd reconsider the list we gave you." I don't understand why that wasn't said a long time before "cancel the whole thing."

    But of course, it's a whole different story if they don't care about having a good relationship with these people. If they genuinely are indifferent and don't mind causing hurt feelings over this, go for it.

    Well, let's see...the FMIL insisted that the dinner be held on Friday, despite the fact that the OP already made plans, she asked for a list of restaurants, was given a list of 12, and picked one that wasn't on the list, the OP and her FI don't like, and isn't convenient for them, and is now the one sulking.  Sounds like she's the one hurting feelings and indifferent to the hurt feelings she's causing, not the other way around.



    Oh no you're absolutely right the FMIL is being difficult and giving cause for hurt feelings too, I just hope the bride could be the bigger person. Again, she's under no obligation too, but the fact her FMIL is doing all this crap that she shouldn't have to deal with doesn't change the fact that OPs response is probably going to cause hurt feelings too, so IMO it'd I'd rather suck it up than continue the chain reaction.

    Also just to clarify- FMIL's proposed dinner isn't actually taking place of plans the OP already had, is it? My impression was that the bride was busy that day with like a spa day or something and just didn't want to go out again across town that night.... I def. wouldn't cancel pre-existing plans if that was the case.


    I'd agree about "sucking it up" if the FMIL hadn't asked them for a list of restaurants they liked and then deliberately chosen one that they don't like and isn't convenient for the OP and her FI. That says to me that she doesn't give a damn about the couple's feelings and is just trying to use them and their wedding to stroke her own ego. There's absolutely no requirement that she host a rehearsal dinner at all, but she's being manipulative with her pouting and sulking and that forfeits any sympathy from me.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2015
    I think if the point of entertaining in honor of someone else, such as hosting a rehearsal dinner, is to honor those persons and not merely stroke your own ego, especially if you've asked them their preferences, then choosing something else entirely that isn't convenient for them says that you're not doing it to "honor" them but to use their occasion to honor yourself. Sorry not sorry, still not sympathetic. She should have worked with them instead of sulking and insisting on getting her own way, because that turned the whole thing into a power trip.
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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Hi OP!

    We didn't have a rehearsal and our wedding went off without issue, and we had 15 people in our wedding party. People don't need to practice walking.

    If you have a rehearsal, the dinner needs to be on the same day. You cannot ask people to do three wedding things on three different days, it is too much. I would cancel the rehearsal and let the in-laws host a dinner. Re-name it the welcome dinner.
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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    I had a rehearsal for myself. Nobody else "walked down the aisle" but it was our one chance to go over the ceremony with our officiant. I'm glad we didn't skip it.
    (MIL also planned a RD for her ego, 45-50 people, but we did go.)

    image

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  • sparklepants41sparklepants41 member
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    Our "rehearsal" involved everyone meeting at the venue at the pre-arranged time, saying "oh hey, this is a super cool space" and then walking up the street for dinner and drinks. LOL

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  • anjemonanjemon member
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    I really liked having a rehearsal because it gave us a chance to go over things with the officiant. And I liked walking the space. I'm a worrier and I know I would have been a little nervous without the check.

    But my sister mostly missed it because of traffic issues and it wasn't a problem at all (she was a BM). And my MIL didn't come to the actual rehearsal (just dinner) because they didn't want to have someone watch their dog for the whole evening. Not everyone needs to be at the rehearsal, just enough for people to have a good idea what's going on.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
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    MGP said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I think if the point of entertaining in honor of someone else, such as hosting a rehearsal dinner, is to honor those persons and not merely stroke your own ego, especially if you've asked them their preferences, then choosing something else entirely that isn't convenient for them says that you're not doing it to "honor" them but to use their occasion to honor yourself. Sorry not sorry, still not sympathetic. She should have worked with them instead of sulking and insisting on getting her own way, because that turned the whole thing into a power trip.

    Exactly all of this. If OP suggested something out of the hosts's budget I would understand that, but it truly sounds like she gave them plenty of options. And for the hosts to pick something inconvenient and mentioned that it was the sister's favorite it just sends the message they aren't doing it to honor the couple at all, this is self serving for them.

    I am rarely about someone's SPECIAL DAY, but clearly planning something without the guest of honor's preferences in mind (restaurant AND convenience factor) is very WTF to me. Would I go to my SIL's favorite place for her birthday, even if I didn't care for it? Absolutely. Would I go there on the eve of my wedding? Hell to the no.
    And you would have declined the offer. The OP e accepted the offer and then waited until the event was planned to back out. If she didn't want to go, regardless of get reason, she should have said no thank you.

    Declining when an offer is extended is not rude. Accepting and then canceling for a better offer or just bc you don't want to go is rude. I'd have to have a damn good reason to back out on my FMIL after I accepted the offer.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    photokitty said:
    I think if the point of entertaining in honor of someone else, such as hosting a rehearsal dinner, is to honor those persons and not merely stroke your own ego, especially if you've asked them their preferences, then choosing something else entirely that isn't convenient for them says that you're not doing it to "honor" them but to use their occasion to honor yourself. Sorry not sorry, still not sympathetic. She should have worked with them instead of sulking and insisting on getting her own way, because that turned the whole thing into a power trip.
    Exactly all of this. If OP suggested something out of the hosts's budget I would understand that, but it truly sounds like she gave them plenty of options. And for the hosts to pick something inconvenient and mentioned that it was the sister's favorite it just sends the message they aren't doing it to honor the couple at all, this is self serving for them. I am rarely about someone's SPECIAL DAY, but clearly planning something without the guest of honor's preferences in mind (restaurant AND convenience factor) is very WTF to me. Would I go to my SIL's favorite place for her birthday, even if I didn't care for it? Absolutely. Would I go there on the eve of my wedding? Hell to the no.
    And you would have declined the offer. The OP e accepted the offer and then waited until the event was planned to back out. If she didn't want to go, regardless of get reason, she should have said no thank you. Declining when an offer is extended is not rude. Accepting and then canceling for a better offer or just bc you don't want to go is rude. I'd have to have a damn good reason to back out on my FMIL after I accepted the offer.
    Except it was not an "offer."  It was a demand for their attendance at an event that didn't work for them.  Declining to attend under those circumstances is not rude.  Demanding someone's attendance at an event and accompanying it with pouting and threats is.
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  • DecemberKnot2016DecemberKnot2016 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    There are a few different things going on here.

    (1) Is anyone coming from out of town? If so, asking them to come in on Thursday for a rehearsal for a Saturday wedding seems uncool.

    (2) Asking people to come to a rehearsal on Thursday, a dinner on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday also seems uncool.

    (3) If the in-laws are paying, then they have to attend. You can't take their money and then not accommodate them.

    If it was me, I'd nix the rehearsal altogether. Just have dinner with the in-laws on Wednesday or Tuesday or any other day besides Thursday or Friday.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie1439325380 said:

    There are a few different things going on here.

    (1) Is anyone coming from out of town? If so, asking them to come in on Thursday for a rehearsal for a Saturday wedding seems uncool.

    (2) Asking people to come to a rehearsal on Thursday, a dinner on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday also seems uncool.

    (3) If the in-laws are paying, then they have to attend. You can't take their money and then not accommodate them.

    If it was me, I'd nix the rehearsal altogether. Just have dinner with the in-laws on Wednesday or Tuesday or any other day besides Thursday or Friday.

    Thursday is the only day that the venue will allow them to rehearse.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2015
    Jen4948 said:


    photokitty said:

    MGP said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I think if the point of entertaining in honor of someone else, such as hosting a rehearsal dinner, is to honor those persons and not merely stroke your own ego, especially if you've asked them their preferences, then choosing something else entirely that isn't convenient for them says that you're not doing it to "honor" them but to use their occasion to honor yourself. Sorry not sorry, still not sympathetic. She should have worked with them instead of sulking and insisting on getting her own way, because that turned the whole thing into a power trip.

    Exactly all of this. If OP suggested something out of the hosts's budget I would understand that, but it truly sounds like she gave them plenty of options. And for the hosts to pick something inconvenient and mentioned that it was the sister's favorite it just sends the message they aren't doing it to honor the couple at all, this is self serving for them.

    I am rarely about someone's SPECIAL DAY, but clearly planning something without the guest of honor's preferences in mind (restaurant AND convenience factor) is very WTF to me. Would I go to my SIL's favorite place for her birthday, even if I didn't care for it? Absolutely. Would I go there on the eve of my wedding? Hell to the no.
    And you would have declined the offer. The OP e accepted the offer and then waited until the event was planned to back out. If she didn't want to go, regardless of get reason, she should have said no thank you.

    Declining when an offer is extended is not rude. Accepting and then canceling for a better offer or just bc you don't want to go is rude. I'd have to have a damn good reason to back out on my FMIL after I accepted the offer.

    Except it was not an "offer."  It was a demand for their attendance at an event that didn't work for them.  Declining to attend under those circumstances is not rude.  Demanding someone's attendance at an event and accompanying it with pouting and threats is.


    ********eta box*********

    It was an offer, op said fmil asked and OP regretfully agreed to have it on Friday. Then "weeks later" op decided she didn't want to go.

    Just because the other person is being pushy and rude, it doesn't mean you have to stoop to their level and be rude too. Decline the offer, or demand as you call it, when it is made. Don't back out week later, bc it's rude regardless of how the other party behaves.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    photokitty said:

    Jen4948 said:


    photokitty said:

    MGP said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I think if the point of entertaining in honor of someone else, such as hosting a rehearsal dinner, is to honor those persons and not merely stroke your own ego, especially if you've asked them their preferences, then choosing something else entirely that isn't convenient for them says that you're not doing it to "honor" them but to use their occasion to honor yourself. Sorry not sorry, still not sympathetic. She should have worked with them instead of sulking and insisting on getting her own way, because that turned the whole thing into a power trip.

    Exactly all of this. If OP suggested something out of the hosts's budget I would understand that, but it truly sounds like she gave them plenty of options. And for the hosts to pick something inconvenient and mentioned that it was the sister's favorite it just sends the message they aren't doing it to honor the couple at all, this is self serving for them.

    I am rarely about someone's SPECIAL DAY, but clearly planning something without the guest of honor's preferences in mind (restaurant AND convenience factor) is very WTF to me. Would I go to my SIL's favorite place for her birthday, even if I didn't care for it? Absolutely. Would I go there on the eve of my wedding? Hell to the no.
    And you would have declined the offer. The OP e accepted the offer and then waited until the event was planned to back out. If she didn't want to go, regardless of get reason, she should have said no thank you.

    Declining when an offer is extended is not rude. Accepting and then canceling for a better offer or just bc you don't want to go is rude. I'd have to have a damn good reason to back out on my FMIL after I accepted the offer.

    Except it was not an "offer."  It was a demand for their attendance at an event that didn't work for them.  Declining to attend under those circumstances is not rude.  Demanding someone's attendance at an event and accompanying it with pouting and threats is.
    ********eta box*********

    It was an offer, op said fmil asked and OP regretfully agreed to have it on Friday. Then "weeks later" op decided she didn't want to go.

    Just because the other person is being pushy and rude, it doesn't mean you have to stoop to their level and be rude too. Decline the offer, or demand as you call it, when it is made. Don't back out week later, bc it's rude regardless of how the other party behaves.

    Ah, no. By giving in, the FMIL will consider herself "authorized" to pout and sulk everyone into giving her whatever she wants whenever she wants, just because she thinks she's "entitled" to it even when she's not. By giving in now, it will be that much harder to set and enforce boundaries later.
    Report Reply
  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:

    photokitty said:

    Jen4948 said:


    photokitty said:

    MGP said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I think if the point of entertaining in honor of someone else, such as hosting a rehearsal dinner, is to honor those persons and not merely stroke your own ego, especially if you've asked them their preferences, then choosing something else entirely that isn't convenient for them says that you're not doing it to "honor" them but to use their occasion to honor yourself. Sorry not sorry, still not sympathetic. She should have worked with them instead of sulking and insisting on getting her own way, because that turned the whole thing into a power trip.

    Exactly all of this. If OP suggested something out of the hosts's budget I would understand that, but it truly sounds like she gave them plenty of options. And for the hosts to pick something inconvenient and mentioned that it was the sister's favorite it just sends the message they aren't doing it to honor the couple at all, this is self serving for them.

    I am rarely about someone's SPECIAL DAY, but clearly planning something without the guest of honor's preferences in mind (restaurant AND convenience factor) is very WTF to me. Would I go to my SIL's favorite place for her birthday, even if I didn't care for it? Absolutely. Would I go there on the eve of my wedding? Hell to the no.
    And you would have declined the offer. The OP e accepted the offer and then waited until the event was planned to back out. If she didn't want to go, regardless of get reason, she should have said no thank you.

    Declining when an offer is extended is not rude. Accepting and then canceling for a better offer or just bc you don't want to go is rude. I'd have to have a damn good reason to back out on my FMIL after I accepted the offer.

    Except it was not an "offer."  It was a demand for their attendance at an event that didn't work for them.  Declining to attend under those circumstances is not rude.  Demanding someone's attendance at an event and accompanying it with pouting and threats is.
    ********eta box*********

    It was an offer, op said fmil asked and OP regretfully agreed to have it on Friday. Then "weeks later" op decided she didn't want to go.

    Just because the other person is being pushy and rude, it doesn't mean you have to stoop to their level and be rude too. Decline the offer, or demand as you call it, when it is made. Don't back out week later, bc it's rude regardless of how the other party behaves.
    Ah, no. By giving in, the FMIL will consider herself "authorized" to pout and sulk everyone into giving her whatever she wants whenever she wants, just because she thinks she's "entitled" to it even when she's not. By giving in now, it will be that much harder to set and enforce boundaries later.

    ********eta box********

    Bc having a mandatory work event and wanting to participate in the prewedding festivities is pouting and sulking. I don't think it would matter what this FMIL had said it done, you would have found fault with it...this is a reoccurring burr for you.

    It's cool, OP can back out weeks later, it's just rude. You stand up to someone from the get go or your point is overshadowed by your rude actions...whatever, you do you.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2015
    photokitty said:

    Jen4948 said:

    photokitty said:

    Jen4948 said:


    photokitty said:

    MGP said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I think if the point of entertaining in honor of someone else, such as hosting a rehearsal dinner, is to honor those persons and not merely stroke your own ego, especially if you've asked them their preferences, then choosing something else entirely that isn't convenient for them says that you're not doing it to "honor" them but to use their occasion to honor yourself. Sorry not sorry, still not sympathetic. She should have worked with them instead of sulking and insisting on getting her own way, because that turned the whole thing into a power trip.

    Exactly all of this. If OP suggested something out of the hosts's budget I would understand that, but it truly sounds like she gave them plenty of options. And for the hosts to pick something inconvenient and mentioned that it was the sister's favorite it just sends the message they aren't doing it to honor the couple at all, this is self serving for them.

    I am rarely about someone's SPECIAL DAY, but clearly planning something without the guest of honor's preferences in mind (restaurant AND convenience factor) is very WTF to me. Would I go to my SIL's favorite place for her birthday, even if I didn't care for it? Absolutely. Would I go there on the eve of my wedding? Hell to the no.
    And you would have declined the offer. The OP e accepted the offer and then waited until the event was planned to back out. If she didn't want to go, regardless of get reason, she should have said no thank you.

    Declining when an offer is extended is not rude. Accepting and then canceling for a better offer or just bc you don't want to go is rude. I'd have to have a damn good reason to back out on my FMIL after I accepted the offer.

    Except it was not an "offer."  It was a demand for their attendance at an event that didn't work for them.  Declining to attend under those circumstances is not rude.  Demanding someone's attendance at an event and accompanying it with pouting and threats is.
    ********eta box*********

    It was an offer, op said fmil asked and OP regretfully agreed to have it on Friday. Then "weeks later" op decided she didn't want to go.

    Just because the other person is being pushy and rude, it doesn't mean you have to stoop to their level and be rude too. Decline the offer, or demand as you call it, when it is made. Don't back out week later, bc it's rude regardless of how the other party behaves.
    Ah, no. By giving in, the FMIL will consider herself "authorized" to pout and sulk everyone into giving her whatever she wants whenever she wants, just because she thinks she's "entitled" to it even when she's not. By giving in now, it will be that much harder to set and enforce boundaries later.
    ********eta box********

    Bc having a mandatory work event and wanting to participate in the prewedding festivities is pouting and sulking. I don't think it would matter what this FMIL had said it done, you would have found fault with it...this is a reoccurring burr for you.

    It's cool, OP can back out weeks later, it's just rude. You stand up to someone from the get go or your point is overshadowed by your rude actions...whatever, you do you.

    I'm not being rude. I think the FMIL is being rude. Sometimes life doesn't go in someone's favor, in this case hers. She could have been "the bigger person" and accepted that it wouldn't be possible for her to host the party she wanted to throw. But she didn't: she pouted and sulked and demanded that the party be held on a day, at a time, and at a place that didn't work for the people who this party was supposed to be in honor of, and you're calling me rude because I think she was wrong?

    Lol.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2015
    MGP said:

    Jen4948 said:

    photokitty said:

    Jen4948 said:


    photokitty said:

    MGP said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I think if the point of entertaining in honor of someone else, such as hosting a rehearsal dinner, is to honor those persons and not merely stroke your own ego, especially if you've asked them their preferences, then choosing something else entirely that isn't convenient for them says that you're not doing it to "honor" them but to use their occasion to honor yourself. Sorry not sorry, still not sympathetic. She should have worked with them instead of sulking and insisting on getting her own way, because that turned the whole thing into a power trip.

    Exactly all of this. If OP suggested something out of the hosts's budget I would understand that, but it truly sounds like she gave them plenty of options. And for the hosts to pick something inconvenient and mentioned that it was the sister's favorite it just sends the message they aren't doing it to honor the couple at all, this is self serving for them.

    I am rarely about someone's SPECIAL DAY, but clearly planning something without the guest of honor's preferences in mind (restaurant AND convenience factor) is very WTF to me. Would I go to my SIL's favorite place for her birthday, even if I didn't care for it? Absolutely. Would I go there on the eve of my wedding? Hell to the no.
    And you would have declined the offer. The OP e accepted the offer and then waited until the event was planned to back out. If she didn't want to go, regardless of get reason, she should have said no thank you.

    Declining when an offer is extended is not rude. Accepting and then canceling for a better offer or just bc you don't want to go is rude. I'd have to have a damn good reason to back out on my FMIL after I accepted the offer.

    Except it was not an "offer."  It was a demand for their attendance at an event that didn't work for them.  Declining to attend under those circumstances is not rude.  Demanding someone's attendance at an event and accompanying it with pouting and threats is.
    ********eta box*********

    It was an offer, op said fmil asked and OP regretfully agreed to have it on Friday. Then "weeks later" op decided she didn't want to go.

    Just because the other person is being pushy and rude, it doesn't mean you have to stoop to their level and be rude too. Decline the offer, or demand as you call it, when it is made. Don't back out week later, bc it's rude regardless of how the other party behaves.
    Ah, no. By giving in, the FMIL will consider herself "authorized" to pout and sulk everyone into giving her whatever she wants whenever she wants, just because she thinks she's "entitled" to it even when she's not. By giving in now, it will be that much harder to set and enforce boundaries later.
    ----- box

    Look, we probably aren't getting the whole story and the facts are getting more unclear as this continues. However, I do not think it is unreasonable at all to think that when you accept an offer for someone to host something IN YOUR HONOR that they would take into account and prioritize when/where the guest of honor would like to go. So let me clarify:

    Not cool to back out/kind of crappy to decline from the get go:
    FMIL "Bride, we are so bummed we cannot make it to the RD on Thursday. We would love to take you guys out on Friday night instead. How about we meet at Fave Restaurant at 7:00 to have some quality time before the big day?"

    Perfectly fine to back out/decline:
    FMIL "Bride, we are so bummed we cannot make it to the RD on Thursday. We would love to take you guys out on Friday night instead."
    Bride: "Oh FMIL that is so generous of you. Here are a dozen places we like that are a good fit for location and your budget. Any of these would be prefectly fine with us"
    FMIL: "Eh, no. Just meet us at Not Fave Restaurant several minutes/hours away from home from you. BTW it is FSIL's favorite and close to home for her she is looking forward to it"

    Hopefully you can see the difference.



    ******ETA box*******

    I can see the difference, just not the easy you do...decline immediately when fmil says despite your list, I picked fsil fave restaurant.

    Don't say ok when fmil picks a location that doesn't work for you, then weeks later decline. If op hadn't waited weeks, as she said, to decide she didn't want to go then I would completely agree with you.

    Regardless of what fmil did, waiting a few weeks to back out is rude. Its all in the timing, hopefully you can see that difference.

    Ever hear the phrase, two wrongs don't make a right? This is a prime example.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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