Guest Attire...

mbuckley85 · June 2012

Before you bash me, I know that this isn't suggested to do...

How bad is it to include the suggested attire, as in "black tie optional" to a wedding. I know that you are supposed to be able to figure it out on your own based on the formality of the invite, but I really don't trust my father's family. I really want to make it clear that men should be in tuxes/full suits and the women should dress appropriately as well.

I feel like people who haven't heard of our venue (which is an old casino, built in 1870), won't know any better.

I know its stupid and they should be embarrassed if they are dressed inappropriately, but I really feel like there are people that are going to need guidance. I also feel that when you are spending upwards of $50,000 on a wedding people should be dressed appropriately.

chelseamb11 · June 2012

Either make it a black tie wedding or don't dictate their dress. Unfortuantely there's not really any middle ground.

mbuckley85 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:204a106d-8de5-486e-88bc-c37c516a7565">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]Either make it a black tie wedding or don't dictate their dress. Unfortuantely there's not really any middle ground.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

<div>So are you saying that it is okay to say "black tie" but its not okay to say "black tie optional"?</div><div>
</div>

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:d1283da2-3b92-4aaf-9d75-bd5e7079e22b">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Attire... : So are you saying that it is okay to say "black tie" but its not okay to say "black tie optional"?
Posted by mbuckley85[/QUOTE]

Yes. By your description, it sounds like those people will take the optional quite literally and dress the way you didn't want them to anyway.

Meegles4 · June 2012

Is this a true black tie wedding? Black tie does not mean tuxes/full suits...it means tuxes. There's not an either or here.

I wouldn't put that line on your invitation unless you truly expect everyone to be in tuxedos and ball gowns. It will be confusing for people and won't do anything to help your cause.

My venue had an official dress code (jackets for men, no denim) and yet my mother still refused to allow me to put it in the wedding invitation packet. She felt even that was too presumptuous -- and we have family that would be perfectly comfortable showing up to a wedding in jeans.

Turns out, it all worked out without any sort of attire note on there. Several of our family asked what they should wear, and so we spread the "proper" dress through word of mouth instead of blasting it everywhere.

J&K10910 · June 2012

No, it's ok to say "black tie" if that's what the venue REQUIRES. As in, people will be turned away at the door if they're not wearing tuxes and evening gowns.

Also, if you're going to expect people to dress to black tie standards, you need to make sure your're hosting a black tie standard party. Top shelf open bar, multi-course seated dinner with passed appetizers, live band.

futuremrsbruno · June 2012

I think if this is something you are very adament about, and it seems that way based on your concerns, then you need to be very tactful about it. I would not put it anywhere on the invitations. To me that's rude. I think the majority of people do expect that weddings are formal events and they should dress appropriately for them.

Do you have a wedding website? We put our website address on our direction cards, which I custom made and added into the invitations I ordered. The website is underneath the picture of the map and doesn't look at all like I'm screaming "look at me". However, if they go on the website, I do have under reception that the attire is business casual, formal wear is not required. Or something like that. I can't access the site right now so I don't know for sure. Anyway, it's on the website.

What look are you asking for exactly? When you say "black tie optional", it implies that the affair is extremely formal and while men do not have to rent a tux, it is appreciated that they do. It is a call for formalwear as opposed to casual wear. This would mean you expect the women to be wearing gowns, and again, the men to be in a tux, or something equally formal. I get you are spending a lot on the wedding, but at the same time, you want your guests to feel comfortable and not inconvenienced. I find that most people probably own a basic suit and a dress, but not everyone has formal wear, or the means to get it.

mbuckley85 · June 2012

Ughh...

I'm just pretty sure that my dad's brother will be wearing khakis, one sister in sneakers and the other...braless

I mean...this is the first time they are meeting my fiances family, and THAT is going to be the first impression.

J&K10910 · June 2012

Also? The people you're concerned about (aka the ones that don't know how to dress themselves for a wedding, or more likely, don't care) will glance right over that on the invitation and dress however they want, and the ones that are capable of dressing themselves properly (so....most people) will probably be offended that you think they can't.

Also, I don't ever understand why people who are concerned about their guests being able to dress appropriately have elaborate weddings that require "appropriate dress." I know it's a personal choice, and I don't judge it, I just don't understand it. If most of my friends and family were jeans and t-shirt people that didn't own dresses and jackets, I would keep my wedding more casual so as not to make all my loved ones uncomfortable.

Meegles4 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:7e260965-af8c-424e-ba8c-b11a49cdfb9b">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ughh... I'm just pretty sure that my dad's brother will be wearing khakis, one sister in sneakers and the other...braless I mean...this is the first time they are meeting my fiances family, and THAT is going to be the first impression.
Posted by mbuckley85[/QUOTE]

Khaki's really aren't a big deal. Also, this is your uncle and aunts right? These are not people your FI's family has to interact with on a regular basis -- or possibly ever again. Shoot, they may not even see or talk to each other at the wedding depending on how large it is.

J&K10910 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:7e260965-af8c-424e-ba8c-b11a49cdfb9b">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ughh... I'm just pretty sure that my dad's brother will be wearing khakis, one sister in sneakers and the other...braless I mean...this is the first time they are meeting my fiances family, and THAT is going to be the first impression.
Posted by mbuckley85[/QUOTE]

So you want to offend your entire guest list based on THREE PEOPLE? Girl, for the love of all that is holy, ask your damn sisters if they want to go shopping together or something. Wouldn't that be easier?

ETA: Oh,t hey're dad's sister? Well, then, what PP said about them never interacting with your FI's family again.

mbuckley85 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:2560866c-1a58-4fc7-bf57-34a0228ab68a">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]No, it's ok to say "black tie" if that's what the venue REQUIRES. As in, people will be turned away at the door if they're not wearing tuxes and evening gowns. Also, if you're going to expect people to dress to black tie standards, you need to make sure your're hosting a black tie standard party. Top shelf open bar, multi-course seated dinner with passed appetizers, live band.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>We have open bar for the event, with certain upgraded liquors. Yes to the multi course seated dinner with passed appetizers and yes to the live band (probably the best in the area...).

</div>

mbuckley85 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:23fe336e-f5f7-4645-b960-db6194ab0b1a">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Attire... : So you want to offend your entire guest list based on THREE PEOPLE? Girl, for the love of all that is holy, ask your damn sisters if they want to go shopping together or something. Wouldn't that be easier? ETA: Oh,t hey're dad's sister? Well, then, what PP said about them never interacting with your FI's family again.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

<div>Good God, if they were MY sisters I would do that. They aren't though, they are my aunts/uncles on my father's side. </div>

futuremrsbruno · June 2012

Khaki's are appropriate attire for a wedding. Generally, if you are able to wear it to work (I'm talking in a professional setting, not any type of job that requires a uniform, or clothes that can get dirty) than it is considered appropriate for a wedding or similar event.

And even though this is the first time the families will be meeting, I've found that at weddings families usually stick to their own side, i.e. people they know. There may be some mingling, but I don't think this is the event where everyone will be getting to know each other. They will all be wanting to celebrate with you.

misssunshine17 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:7e260965-af8c-424e-ba8c-b11a49cdfb9b">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Ughh... I'm just pretty sure that my dad's brother will be wearing khakis, one sister in sneakers and the other...braless I mean...this is the first time they are meeting my fiances family, and THAT is going to be the first impression.</strong>
Posted by mbuckley85[/QUOTE]

<div>Get off your high horse. </div>

mbuckley85 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:f33db700-d5a0-4004-a554-a90b614dd9d6">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Attire... : Oh well. Your family is not you. If your IL's freak out about it, then they will look bad. In general, I think you need to not worry so much about appearances. I also read your thread on Customs and Traditions about how you were freaking out over your FI walking into the ceremony with both his mom and dad. His family is Jewish; it's a Jewish tradition. It will not look wierd and none of your guests will comment negatively on it. If anything, they will say, 'How nice, the groom is walking in with both his parents.' So, just learn to let things go.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Okay, yeah, I get it...I shouldn't get freaked out about my inlaws walking in with my fiance. It wouldn't be a big deal if it actually was what he wanted though...which it wasn't (he also thinks it looks weird). His parents wanted to walk with him and we were going to have it happen, but now they are walking in together and my fiance will already be in the front of the room.

</div>

mbuckley85 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:8daa3934-c394-4efd-810b-12da368fac1d">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]Khaki's are appropriate attire for a wedding. Generally, if you are able to wear it to work (I'm talking in a professional setting, not any type of job that requires a uniform, or clothes that can get dirty) than it is considered appropriate for a wedding or similar event. And even though this is the first time the families will be meeting, I've found that at weddings families usually stick to their own side, i.e. people they know. There may be some mingling, but I don't think this is the event where everyone will be getting to know each other. They will all be wanting to celebrate with you.
Posted by futuremrsbruno[/QUOTE]

<div>Khakis have not been appropriate attire for ANY wedding I have ever been to...</div>

specialk84 · June 2012

If black tie is not something common among your guests, I think it's kind of rude to insist on it. We chose not to have a black tie wedding because H's family would not have been comfortable at all. They've never been to one, and none of them own any clothing appropriate for such an event.

lbarr088 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:9a8416b3-54c3-48a0-82fd-8b4e7b0ba0a7">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Attire... : So what? If you can't laugh about stuff like that then I don't know what to tell you. And just to prove I wasn't lying about the chaps:
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh my!</div><div>
</div><div>Also, stop being so damned pretty.</div>

mbuckley85 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:0911d8d0-da4d-47a4-82a7-4d4ed21d1720">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Attire... : Get off your high horse.
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

<div>Sorry?</div>

Benny618 · June 2012

I'm very surprised by some of the PP. I've seen "Black Tie Optional" or "Black Tie Invited" on tons of wedding and bar mitzvah invitations (including my own). I personally prefer Black Tie Invited because it lets guests know that this is a black tie event, but they are not pressured to go out and rent or buy a tuxedo if they can't or don't want to. The majority of men wear tuxedos since they own them, and those who don't know to wear a nice black suit.

Meegles4 · June 2012

Rachers! She matches your flowers :-)

OP, I had a "premium" reception as far as food, alcohol, etc. goes, but we had a DJ. I've been to weddings that were similar and had live bands. But they weren't black tie.

Personally, I think you make a conscious decision to have a black tie wedding, it's not something you just slap on an invitation to convey the tone of your wedding. I also think just because you have a "formal" wedding and live band, that it HAS to be black tie. I think you go black tie only if you have relative confidence that most/all of your guest list own tuxes and ball gowns and could reasonably come to your wedding in black tie attire without having to buy or rent a new wardrobe.

mbuckley85 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:2a6c0348-9847-45b2-81c3-6bb98ccba719">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Attire... : Honestly? You're starting to sound a wee bit pretentious about your wedding. Khakis are perfectly fine. And unless you plan on going to everyone's hotel/house/whatever on the day of your wedding and dressing them yourself, you will never get everyone dressed the way you want. Seriously, get over it and spare yourself the grief.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Honestly, I don't know what you want me to say. I honestly have never been to a wedding where anything less than a suit was appropriate. I don't really get how that is pretentious.

</div>

futuremrsbruno · June 2012

"Khakis have not been appropriate attire for ANY wedding I have ever been to..." mbuckley85

Well then you must have always attended black tie weddings, in which case you shouldn't worry about your guests not wearing black tie, since if khaki's are not appropriate at any wedding you have been to, I would assume everyone where you are from always breaks out their tuxes and ball gowns.

mbuckley85 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:4dda33a8-c773-42bf-b0a2-8501e1eafe35">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]Rachers! She matches your flowers :-) OP, I had a "premium" reception as far as food, alcohol, etc. goes, but we had a DJ. I've been to weddings that were similar and had live bands. But they weren't black tie. Personally, I think you make a conscious decision to have a black tie wedding, it's not something you just slap on an invitation to convey the tone of your wedding. I also think just because you have a "formal" wedding and live band, that it HAS to be black tie. I think you go black tie only if you have relative confidence that most/all of your guest list own tuxes and ball gowns and could reasonably come to your wedding in black tie attire without having to buy or rent a new wardrobe.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm not actually worried about whether people wear tuxes or not...I just think that they should be in AT LEAST suits

</div>

midgetthemighty · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:dee286f8-154d-4841-963e-d44e3036b8f9">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm very surprised by some of the PP. I've seen "Black Tie Optional" or "<strong>Black Tie Invited</strong>" on tons of wedding and bar mitzvah invitations (including my own). I personally prefer Black Tie Invited because it lets guests know that this is a black tie event, but they are not pressured to go out and rent or buy a tuxedo if they can't or don't want to. The majority of men wear tuxedos since they own them, and those who don't know to wear a nice black suit.
Posted by Benny618[/QUOTE]

I'm just an average joe who has never been to a black-tie event, but I'm pretty sure that term isn't real. What does that even mean?

This really isn't worth worrying about. Did you see the huge gorgeous smile on Rach walking down the aisle with the guest in the orange bandana and chaps? That will be you walking down the aisle on your wedding day because you'll be so happy to marry your FI that you won't care.

bonge · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:7e260965-af8c-424e-ba8c-b11a49cdfb9b">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ughh... I'm just pretty sure that my dad's brother will be wearing khakis, one sister in sneakers and the other...braless I mean...this is the first time they are meeting my fiances family, and THAT is going to be the first impression.
Posted by mbuckley85[/QUOTE]

<div>but it has nothing to do with you</div>

mbuckley85 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:1f4d8ce5-5fcd-4c20-8b3f-f55bfa5d0e74">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]"Khakis have not been appropriate attire for ANY wedding I have ever been to..." mbuckley85 Well then you must have always attended black tie weddings, in which case you shouldn't worry about your guests not wearing black tie, since if khaki's are not appropriate at any wedding you have been to, I would assume everyone where you are from always breaks out their tuxes and ball gowns.
Posted by futuremrsbruno[/QUOTE]

<div>Am I crazy, or are there levels of clothing between khakis and tuxes? I consider a suit to be the minimum dress appropriate for a wedding (unless its something like a backyard wedding or a beach wedding..)</div>

Meegles4 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:37e8c4e2-d774-446c-9e3a-5e3ccdeaed8a">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Attire... : Honestly, I don't know what you want me to say. I honestly have never been to a wedding where anything less than a suit was appropriate. I don't really get how that is pretentious.
Posted by mbuckley85[/QUOTE]

OP, I think this speaks more to your view of weddings than anything else. I agree, I've only been to maybe one wedding where anything less than a suit was appropriate. My H would likely never wear Khaki's to a wedding unless it was outdoors or on a beach.

But, just because that's how you view proper wedding attire, it does not mean everyone has that viewpoint. Which brings us back to the question at hand. You can't dictate what people wear. You can try to convey the formality of the event through your invitations and word of mouth, but if you have guests that believe that khakis ARE appropriate attire for weddings, well, they're going to wear them no matter what your invitation looks like and it'll all work out and you and your FI will still be married at the end of it. Promise :-)

futuremrsbruno · June 2012

"I'm very surprised by some of the PP. I've seen "Black Tie Optional" or "Black Tie Invited" on tons of wedding and bar mitzvah invitations (including my own). I personally prefer Black Tie Invited because it lets guests know that this is a black tie event, but they are not pressured to go out and rent or buy a tuxedo if they can't or don't want to. The majority of men wear tuxedos since they own them, and those who don't know to wear a nice black suit."
Posted by Benny618

Except that when people see "Black Tie Optional" on an invitation, they then do feel obligated to go out and by the fancy formal wear and rent a more formal suit or a tux. That term "optional"? People read that as "well I don't have to, but if a lot of other people do, and I don't, I'm going to stand out"

misssunshine17 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-attire-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:312439e4-3a7b-4444-91e3-44f8667014dePost:a6ddc702-4900-4e2c-9f2b-3b711fc0a3f2">Re: Guest Attire...</a>:
[QUOTE]*shrug* I obviously am not on the same playing level as you. I got leather chaps at my wedding and really couldn't give a fuuuck.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

<div>We can be on our level together, I'm with you. If I look at GORGEOUS on my wedding day as you, I wouldn't care about the chaps, either :) </div>

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