Unasking a BM...?

mrs.mermaid12 · October 2015

I became engaged last year and quickly knew who my MOH and one BM was however had to take some time landing on my third name- my partner and I were looking to match and he has a group of three really close friends. My MOH (T) is someone I met thru my job about 4 years ago and became crazy close to, one BM ( M) has been a childhood friend for 20+ years and then my second BM (C) is a friend of both T and myself. I think I part landed on asking C because I was asking T and the three of us had been hanging out over the last year as a group and were people I though of as friends and knew both my partner and I.

T has been out of town since mid spring with a work opp and we talk all the time ( about both wedding and non wedding things equally). However in the time that T has been gone I feel that my friendship with C has disappeared ( and from talking with T it seems that is true of hers as well). Without having to go into too many examples it has felt that C doesn't want to "deal" with me ( she has fully used those words in convo with me before) and that its more of a hassle to interact with me. C has asked me a handful of times how T is doing and told me she needs to text her, however in convos with T she has told me in the entire time she has been gone C has not reached out to her once. The last time that C and I texted as friends was mid May and then a work reason in August.

I currently am questioning whether C truly wants to be involved in this special event for my partner and I or more just feels that have to because they said yes last year. The environment we are in at work is strongly rooted in candour and speaking your truth. Currently when T returns to our city we are going to ask C to coffee to catch up and I am planning on seeing how the time goes and then asking C to be open with me. Originally when I started to think about this coffee date my plan was to ask C if she truly wants to be involved and share how I've been feeling surrounding our relationship. And then take their answer from there. However as more time has gone by more comments have been made while interacting at work and I am now leaning towards sharing that we've drifted and unasking her involvement. I believe I would rather her not be there then be there and not want to.

Some of the comments have included things like the pervious mentioned I just cant deal with you and most recently a co-worker was asking me excitingly about wedding-ness and C was in the room and said oh yeah, hows that thing going with a sarcastic edge to it.

Thoughts? Comments? Do I ask her and give her the space to step out or should I trust my gut and ask her to step down?

MesmrEwe · October 2015

Give her space to start - keep the lines of communication open. Remember, the only duties she has is to show up the day of the wedding, preferably sober, wearing the designated attire. Anything above that is bonus. The problem you've got is you're seeing her too much right now and discussing likely all things only wedding. Change the subject! Your wedding is only going to mean this much to you and your fiancé, while you hope others get as excited, the reality is that isn't the case for everyone. There's an old saying "Weddings, babies, and funerals all bring out the best and worst in people". Give her some space, even if that means a couple months. If for some reason she chooses to back out, that's o.k. but if you ask her to step down it means basically that you're ending the friendship, which since you work together could get even messier if it's initiated by you...

Viczaesar · October 2015

diygaltoronto said:

I became engaged last year and quickly knew who my MOH and one BM was however had to take some time landing on my third name- my partner and I were looking to match and he has a group of three really close friends. My MOH (T) is someone I met thru my job about 4 years ago and became crazy close to, one BM ( M) has been a childhood friend for 20+ years and then my second BM (C) is a friend of both T and myself. I think I part landed on asking C because I was asking T and the three of us had been hanging out over the last year as a group and were people I though of as friends and knew both my partner and I.

T has been out of town since mid spring with a work opp and we talk all the time ( about both wedding and non wedding things equally). However in the time that T has been gone I feel that my friendship with C has disappeared ( and from talking with T it seems that is true of hers as well). Without having to go into too many examples it has felt that C doesn't want to "deal" with me ( she has fully used those words in convo with me before) and that its more of a hassle to interact with me. C has asked me a handful of times how T is doing and told me she needs to text her, however in convos with T she has told me in the entire time she has been gone C has not reached out to her once. The last time that C and I texted as friends was mid May and then a work reason in August.

I currently am questioning whether C truly wants to be involved in this special event for my partner and I or more just feels that have to because they said yes last year. The environment we are in at work is strongly rooted in candour and speaking your truth. Currently when T returns to our city we are going to ask C to coffee to catch up and I am planning on seeing how the time goes and then asking C to be open with me. Originally when I started to think about this coffee date my plan was to ask C if she truly wants to be involved and share how I've been feeling surrounding our relationship. And then take their answer from there. However as more time has gone by more comments have been made while interacting at work and I am now leaning towards sharing that we've drifted and unasking her involvement. I believe I would rather her not be there then be there and not want to.

Some of the comments have included things like the pervious mentioned I just cant deal with you and most recently a co-worker was asking me excitingly about wedding-ness and C was in the room and said oh yeah, hows that thing going with a sarcastic edge to it.

Thoughts? Comments? Do I ask her and give her the space to step out or should I trust my gut and ask her to step down?

If you want to end your friendship with her then woman up and end your friendship with her; her involvement in your wedding will end as a result. If you're not willing to do that then you need to drop the idea of kicking her out of your wedding ("unask"? gilding the lily). Do not ask her if she still wants to be in your wedding, it's a transparent attempt at "nicely' kicking someone out of your wedding. If you're not willing to straight-up end your friendship then just chill. All she has to do is get the attire (which should be chosen with her budget and comfort in mind) and show up the day of the wedding. That's it. If she wants to drop out of your wedding then she will initiate that; it should not come from you. You've asked her to do you the honor of standing next to you when you get married; taking that honor away for anything less than physical assault or sleeping with your fiance is a douchy move (and in those cases you should be doing the end-the-friendship thing).

Really, you went wrong from the start by choosing who to ask to be in your wedding based on numbers. Uneven sides should never be a reason to ask someone to stand up with you in your wedding.

jacques27 · October 2015

For someone so rooted in truth and candor, you don't seem to practice it in the language you use. There is no such thing as "unask" unless you're planning to have Superman fly backward around the earth and turn back time. I even had to add it to my dictionary so it would stop auto correcting to unmask. You are kicking her out (in the most passive aggressive way possible).

You don't have a bridesmaid or wedding problem (unless you count the fact that you made even sides a priority and you "landed" on her as your number 3 - part if me wonders if she's caught on to the fact that she was "landed on" as part of a numbers game - cause that's sure to breed resentment). What you have is a friend problem. So go find out what is wrong with your relationship with your FRIEND - not what's wrong with your bridesmaid or whether she wants to be in your wedding. If you work on your relationship that exists the other 364 days of the year, then any potential drama about the one day your wedding is held should get resolution in the process eventually.

ETA: And whatever you do, don't gang up on her at coffee with your other friend (T?). If T has a relationship issue with her, than that needs to be between them. Adult up and work on your individual relationship with this person outside the context of your wedding.

TrixieJess · October 2015

diygaltoronto said:

I became engaged last year and quickly knew who my MOH and one BM was however had to take some time landing on my third name- my partner and I were looking to match and he has a group of three really close friends. My MOH (T) is someone I met thru my job about 4 years ago and became crazy close to, one BM ( M) has been a childhood friend for 20+ years and then my second BM (C) is a friend of both T and myself. I think I part landed on asking C because I was asking T and the three of us had been hanging out over the last year as a group and were people I though of as friends and knew both my partner and I.

T has been out of town since mid spring with a work opp and we talk all the time ( about both wedding and non wedding things equally). However in the time that T has been gone I feel that my friendship with C has disappeared ( and from talking with T it seems that is true of hers as well). Without having to go into too many examples it has felt that C doesn't want to "deal" with me ( she has fully used those words in convo with me before) and that its more of a hassle to interact with me. C has asked me a handful of times how T is doing and told me she needs to text her, however in convos with T she has told me in the entire time she has been gone C has not reached out to her once. The last time that C and I texted as friends was mid May and then a work reason in August.

I currently am questioning whether C truly wants to be involved in this special event for my partner and I or more just feels that have to because they said yes last year. The environment we are in at work is strongly rooted in candour and speaking your truth. Currently when T returns to our city we are going to ask C to coffee to catch up and I am planning on seeing how the time goes and then asking C to be open with me. Originally when I started to think about this coffee date my plan was to ask C if she truly wants to be involved and share how I've been feeling surrounding our relationship. And then take their answer from there. However as more time has gone by more comments have been made while interacting at work and I am now leaning towards sharing that we've drifted and unasking her involvement. I believe I would rather her not be there then be there and not want to.

Some of the comments have included things like the pervious mentioned I just cant deal with you and most recently a co-worker was asking me excitingly about wedding-ness and C was in the room and said oh yeah, hows that thing going with a sarcastic edge to it.

Thoughts? Comments? Do I ask her and give her the space to step out or should I trust my gut and ask her to step down?

Imma just gonna leave this here:

drunkenwitch · October 2015

I can't get past the constant use of the word "convo" I keep reading ita s "convoy" and I 1) have that damn song stuck in my head 2) can't stop picturing a line of bridesmaids on big rigs riding to dress fittings.

aurianna · October 2015

drunkenwitch said:

I can't get past the constant use of the word "convo" I keep reading ita s "convoy" and I 1) have that damn song stuck in my head 2) can't stop picturing a line of bridesmaids on big rigs riding to dress fittings.

Pigpen, this here's Rubber Duck and it's time to put the hammer down!

OP, as PPs have said, you can't kick her out without looking like a huge jerk and possibly ruining any civility between you (let alone the friendship).
I think getting together for coffee is a great idea... assuming you don't bring up the wedding as far as asking her if she still wants to do it. Rather, reconnect. You might remember the reasons you asked her in the first place. And if you don't... oh well. She'll be in your wedding party. Not the end of the world. Maybe ask your photographer to take a picture of you with each individual bridesmaid. That way if you frame/album some pictures you could use some of the ones with your closer friends.
Her being in your wedding party isn't going to hurt anything. You already budgeted for three anyway.

Lurkers, wait until 9 months out to ask your bridal party and don't let even numbers influence you into picking people you aren't that close too.

onefootinthebayou · October 2015

jacques27 said:

For someone so rooted in truth and candor, you don't seem to practice it in the language you use. There is no such thing as "unask" unless you're planning to have Superman fly backward around the earth and turn back time. I even had to add it to my dictionary so it would stop auto correcting to unmask. You are kicking her out (in the most passive aggressive way possible). You don't have a bridesmaid or wedding problem (unless you count the fact that you made even sides a priority and you "landed" on her as your number 3 - part if me wonders if she's caught on to the fact that she was "landed on" as part of a numbers game - cause that's sure to breed resentment). What you have is a friend problem. So go find out what is wrong with your relationship with your FRIEND - not what's wrong with your bridesmaid or whether she wants to be in your wedding. If you work on your relationship that exists the other 364 days of the year, then any potential drama about the one day your wedding is held should get resolution in the process eventually. ETA: And whatever you do, don't gang up on her at coffee with your other friend (T?). If T has a relationship issue with her, than that needs to be between them. Adult up and work on your individual relationship with this person outside the context of your wedding.

Unasking a BM...?

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