Reception Invitation Etiquette?

Knottie1440128358 · October 2015

Hey all!

My wedding is next summer, and I'm starting to design my save the dates and invitations, but I'm not really sure what I should do.

We don't have piles of money, but we have lots of people that we love and that we would like to include in our special day, so we will be having an open ceremony, a small dinner reception for close friends and family, and then the dance and drinks part of the reception where we will be inviting those of our friends that we'd like to celebrate with us but couldn't invite to dinner.

What should one do for invitations in this situation? I'm sending out e-save the dates to everyone, but since the dinner and dance are separate, AND we don't have the deepest of pockets, can we send paper invitations for the dinner and e-invitations for the dance? I don't really want to spend $140 on invitations. Are there any other options for me?

Thanks so much for your help. I find myself a bit lost when it comes to wedding planning

Jen4948 · October 2015

This would be "tiered hospitality" and it's very, very rude. Every person who is invited to any part of your wedding should be invited to the whole thing. If that means having less expensive hospitality or inviting fewer people, then that is what you need to do. But there is no polite way to invite people to only part of the event.

AddieCake · October 2015

So rude. Invite everyone to the entire reception, not just part of it.

redoryx · October 2015

Would you host a movie night and tell everyone to come to the movie, then kick out the majority of them and tell them to go fend for themselves for a few hours and then come back later for drinks while you serve dinner to the other guests?

What you're doing is incredibly rude. If you don't have the money to fully host everyone at the level you want, either drastically reduce your guest list and only invite those to the ceremony that you can host at the dinner OR rework your plan and have something like a cake or punch reception which will be far cheaper and you'll be able to invite more people.

Knottie1440128358 · October 2015

Actually, I've already talked it over with most of the people that are invited to just the dance part, and they were THRILLED. I was worried about etiquette, but they said that in the end, they just want to be there to congratulate us and celebrate along-side us. I'm sorry to hear that the people that are in your life would take offence to this style of wedding. I suppose I'm lucky to have such understanding, and easily pleased family and friends!

Now that we've got that out of the way, what would be the way to invite them and not break the bank?

Thanks for your help!

AddieCake · October 2015

Yeah because when confronted, people are oh-so-likely to be honest to your face about how your plan is rude or makes them feel like second class citizens. That wouldn't be awkward at all! So IF you even did actually ask, which I doubt, odds are they told you what you wanted to hear.

Jen4948 · October 2015

Sorry, but I don't believe the bolded. Even if that's what they said to you, it was probably only because that's what you wanted to hear-not how they really feel. They probably really feel like you just smacked them across the face.

I'd quit patting your self on the back and start figuring out how to host them properly-which means inviting everyone to everything. If you're going to insist on being rude, bye Felicia. This isn't the place for you.

redoryx · October 2015

As I said, these are your etiquette approved options:

If you don't have the money to fully host everyone at the level you want, either drastically reduce your guest list and only invite those to the ceremony that you can host at the dinner OR rework your plan and have something like a cake or punch reception which will be far cheaper and you'll be able to invite more people.

Those are your options. No one here is going to tell you how to invite them following the plan you currently have.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

Same here. And the passive-aggressive attitude is super transparent, BTW.

And even if the ones you did ask are cool with it, that certainly doesn't mean everyone is. Just because some people are willing to forgive etiquette faux pas (which is what they're doing) does not mean that everyone will. Unless you've talked to and have the enthusiastic support of everyone you plan to treat like a second string guest, they fact that some people are ok with it does not mean that everyone will be.

Really, here, you're combining a gap with a tiered reception. You're telling your guests that they need to go get their own dinner (in the timeline you provide), while you go off and pay for the dinners of those you find important enough to host. People's feelings are bound to be hurt.

CMGragain · October 2015

OP, this is what you should do:

1. Set your budget.
2. Set your guest list. Include everybody you want to invite.
3. If you are Catholic, talk to your priest.

Now, what kind of reception can you afford to give for all these people? There are many options. A dinner/dance reception in the evening is the most expensive. If you are on a budget, you should consider other options.

A. Afternoon ceremony with little tea sandwiches, cake and punch. (This is the cheapest and most traditional kind of wedding.) Men wear suits, and you can still wear a traditional bridal gown and veil if you wish.
B. Morning ceremony with brunch reception. (This is about half the cost of dinner, and it is very traditional, especially in Great Britain. It can be very formal. In the past, the most formal weddings were held in the morning. (Will and Kate)
C. Casual park wedding with barbecue foods and sheet cake from the grocery store. You will need to rent chairs. Very kid friendly.
D. Cut your guest list and do without inviting everybody you want to invite. (I hate this option, but for brides with a "vision", it is sometimes the one they choose.)

Your current plans are very rude, and frankly, quite shocking. You can afford to have a proper wedding with a lot of guests. Just let go of your vision, and consider polite and proper alternatives.
We will be happy to help you plan a budget wedding. You can have all your friends and family and not go broke.

Do not send out ANYTHING until you have finished planning a proper wedding! Invitations can be purchased very inexpensively from Vistaprint. You should only send out one invitation, about 8 weeks from your wedding. STDs are not necessary.

MairePoppy · October 2015

There is no right way to do something that is rude.

Everyone who is invited to the ceremony, must be invited to the reception. The reception can be cake and punch or whatever you can afford.

If you want to have dinner with your closest family members and friends, do that the night before or the day after the wedding.

Don't feel sorry for me. I have too much respect for my loved ones to rank them into 1st and 2nd class guests. Also, they respect themselves too much to accept such shoddy treatment.

AddieCake · October 2015

I also have to say that even if you DID ask all those people, and they really WERE all ok with it, what about those first rankers who aren't? Even if I made the top list and was invited to everything, I would still be affected by the fact that you didn't treat all your guests the same. As a decent human being, I would be offended on their behalf, and I would side eye the hell out of you, and you can be sure I'd be talking about it to others.

MairePoppy · October 2015

Knottie#s, please come back when you decide that you want to properly host your wedding. We would be happy to help you find ways to cut costs so that you may invite your guests to your reception.

kimmiinthemitten · October 2015

I feel like someone is trying to break a record for how many simultaneous tiered wedding posts can we have going at one time!

MairePoppy · October 2015

This seems to be a thing lately - tiered weddings and gaps.

Maggie0829 · October 2015

This is a big ol' pile of nope.

ShesSoCold · October 2015

Nice try.

Look, OP, there's no right way to do this and no correct way to word invitations for this because it's wrong.

What if I came here and said that I wanted to cheat on my husband and asked for the "right" way to pick up a guy? Would you be able to give me the answer I was looking for?

nerdwife · October 2015

I CAN'T STAND THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SMILEY FACES.

Okay, that's all, as PPs have all common sense covered.

NowIAmSyp · October 2015

why is this such a THING lately?? Seriously, all over the boards with this same (gross) question.

Ugh!

Sorry. Just needed to vent.

mileybangerz · October 2015

What did you expect them to do? Tell you that your idea is rude as fuck? Of course they're going to tell you what you want to hear and likely talk shit about you.

And what are these people expected to do? Come to the wedding ceremony, do something else for a few hours while you feed the "real" guests, then come back for dancing?

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