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Guest list dilemma..

natalieervinnatalieervin member
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in Military Brides

Okay, so I have a slight problem.. My FI doesn't have the best relationship with his real dad. He is however very close to his stepdad who is not exactly friendly with FI's real dad. So here lies the problem. FI has suggested simply(in his opinion) not inviting his real dad. I don't think this is right. In my opinion all the grown ups need to grow up for a couple of hours just for our day! This is very irritating to me. Grant it, I have been very lucky in the fact that my parents have been together for 29 years, and I have never been involved in a divorce. I understand that there are hard feelings but I honestly think they can be put away for one day for us. FI's mom agrees with me. She thinks that we should at least send an invitation to his dad. I mean if she can put it aside, shouldnt his stepdad be able to? Or am I being unreasonable?

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Re: Guest list dilemma..

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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.  Are there more reasons that your FI doesn't want to invite him?  H has never had a great relationship with his dad.  His parents divorced when he was young, and they both remarried and divorced again, and he lived about 2 hours away.  I literally met his dad the day before the wedding.  He of course wanted to invite him, but we didn't involve him really in any special way, so he just came as a guest. 

    I would send him an invite.  If he says no then problem solved.  If he accepts then just treat him a regular guest.  You could honor him by putting his name in the ceremony program if you're having one, but he doesn't need to walk down the aisle or be announced at the reception.  If you feel that it could cause a problem, skip parent introductions altogether. 

    And yes, you are right that grown adults should be able to put aside their feelings for a day.  Seat them apart from eachother, and just hope for the best.  It sounds like his mom has a level head on her so hopefully she would be able to diffuse any situation if she saw a problem start to arise.
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    kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    This is not up to you. Respect your FI's feelings on this.
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    natalieervinnatalieervin member
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    edited December 2011
    I have never met his real dad, and I told FI we didn't have to involve him in pictures, rehearsal, etc. if he didn't want to. His mom is very level headed and is helping out a lot with the situation. FI just doesn't want it to be blown out of proportion. He tried to invite his real dad to his boot camp graduation and was told by his step dad that if he was there, then he wouldn't be. So then he had to call his real dad back and tell him not to come. I just don't want to not invite him at all and then FI regret it. I agree, that we should just send him an invitation and if he comes, he comes, if not, then it is his decision. I have told him, that if he is absolutely sure that he doesn't want him to be invited that I will respect his decision. But when I told him that he wasn't so sure. Which is why I think he really wants him there he just doesn't want to create drama. But that is just my FI. He is a people pleaser. I am also, but this is our one day, and I am not aiming to please anyone but us! I know that sounds selfish, but I began my planning by trying to please everyone and stressed myself out, so now I am trying the alternative. :)
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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    That was a douche move of his step father to say that.  He is a grown man.  Your FI's mom should tell him to back off, especially for the wedding.  I can understand if he doesn't like the real father, but this is your FI's wedding, and his dad in entitled to be there if FI wants him there. 

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    ScissortailFlycatcherScissortailFlycatcher
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with Stan.
    But with your FI's sted-dad being the reason his bio-dad wasn't at his graduation, it sounds like your FI needs to stand up to both of them. If my bio-father was alive and my step-dad had said something like that I would have told him to STFU. That is so disrespectful even if they don't get along.  It really is your FI's decision, though.
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    natalieervinnatalieervin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree! I thought it was a pretty douchy move! His step dad has been there for FI through everything, and his dad hasn't really been there. I just think his step dad should be supportive of his decision! If he wants his real dad there, I think he should be able to invite him without hearing a bunch of crap about it! As I said before, my FI is a people pleaser and tries to create the least amount of drama as possible. I would have told him to shut up too, but he just feels that he can't do that because of everything he has done for him. I think his mom is doing a lot of talking on her end, so hopefully that will help out! I agree it is his choice. If he really doesn't want him invited then we won't invite him! I just don't want him to regret it.
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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Good thinking.  You coud let it go for now, and bring it up again in a few weeks, or soon before the invites go out.  If FI's only reasoning is that he doesn't want to upset the stepdad, then you can maybe talk to FMIL about it.  Or just gently tell your FI that you will respect his wishes either way, but that you think it would be fair to ask your stepdad to please respect his wishes if you choose to invite him. 
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    mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It's not up to you.  Or you FMIL or your FSFIL.  It's up to your FI.  You need to support his decision no matter what it is. 
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    natalieervinnatalieervin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I will support him no matter what. Like I said, it is his choice. :) Thanks everyone for the advice! I appreciate it!
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    Gismo123Gismo123
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can see why you would want to invite him but I would go with what your FI wants to do because it is just as much his day as it is yours.  I don't think it's fair if you go ahead and invite his real dad and then upset your FI.  If he's not comfortable with having his real dad around just let it go, it will cause more drama than it's worth if you pressure him.
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    natalieervinnatalieervin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    He still can't decide what he wants to do. But I will go with whatever he wants to do. If he really doesn't want him there, that is fine. We are dropping it for right now. I am just going to leave him alone so that he can make his own decision. We won't be sending out invitations for a while since we don't know that our date won't be changing. Thanks! :)

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