Aunt as a Bridesmaid

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

My fiance called me today telling me his aunt is assuming she is in our wedding. I'm not really sure why she is thinking this? Was it because she was in his sister's I don't know? So he wants me to have her as a bridesmaid. I already have my girls picked out and I honestly don't want to add another one. His aunt is a nice person and she will do anything for us, but I really don't a 40+ year old as bridesmaid. He is telling my I'm being selfish. I told him I wanted her to be a reader or gift bearer in the wedding and told me no I need to make her a bridesmaid. What should I do? Thanks

justsie · November 2015

Knottie1446267529 said:

My fiance called me today telling me his aunt is assuming she is in our wedding. I'm not really sure why she is thinking this? Was it because she was in his sister's I don't know? So he wants me to have her as a bridesmaid. I already have my girls picked out and I honestly don't want to add another one. His aunt is a nice person and she will do anything for us, but I really don't a 40+ year old as bridesmaid. He is telling my I'm being selfish. I told him I wanted her to be a reader or gift bearer in the wedding and told me no I need to make her a bridesmaid. What should I do? Thanks

I'm of the opinion that your wedding party is yours, and completely your say. If your FI wants her to be a part of the wedding party so badly she can stand on his side or be a reader. What is a gift bearer?

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

I told him these exact things!! A gift bearer is someone who brings the wine and bread up during the mass.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

I told him these exact things!! A gift bearer is someone who brings the wine and bread up during the mass.

justsie · November 2015

Knottie1446267529 said:

I told him these exact things!! A gift bearer is someone who brings the wine and bread up during the mass.

Ah thank you. Those would all be appropriate roles. I'm a little concerned that you not wanting her to be a bridesmaid sparked him to start calling you selfish. Have you begun pre-marital counseling yet?

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

It's not that I'm selfish I'm just set in my ways. It's my way or the highway kind of thing. And when I asked him a few weeks ago about her being a BM he said no pick who I want. But of course he forgot that!

justsie · November 2015

Knottie1446267529 said:

It's not that I'm selfish I'm just set in my ways. It's my way or the highway kind of thing. And when I asked him a few weeks ago about her being a BM he said no pick who I want. But of course he forgot that!

Yeah, I'm going to suggest that you guys start some premarital counseling. Can I ask how old you are?

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

27 and 29. We have been dating for 9.5 years.

AddieCake · November 2015

While I think it's silly and mildly offensive that you "don't want a 40-year-old bridesmaid" your WP is your decision only. If your fiancé wants her in the wedding, she can stand on his side.

climbingsingle · November 2015

What the hell is wrong with having a bridesmaid in her 40s?

drunkenwitch · November 2015

Why is he trying to dicate your wedding party?

FYI, I'm 40, I will be in a wedding next spring. Oh the horror.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

No disrespect to the 40 year olds! We are all in our 20's and early 30's that's why! I said that.

climbingsingle · November 2015

Knottie1446267529 said:
No disrespect to the 40 year olds! We are all in our 20's and early 30's that's why! I said that.

So? I'm in my 30s and my husband is in his 40s. Your comment really comes off as immature.

drunkenwitch · November 2015

Knottie1446267529 said:
No disrespect to the 40 year olds! We are all in our 20's and early 30's that's why! I said that.

I was in a wedding of a dear friend who is *gasp* ten whole years younger than me. Nooo, surely I jest, that must be unheard of! And one other bridesmaid was even older than I was!

AddieCake · November 2015

Just because you're 20s and 30s doesn't mean it's weird to have a close 40-year-old friend. I met a woman at work 3 years ago who is my closest local friend now. She is 24; I'm 42. In the future, leave irrelevant things out of your posts on your situation, and you can sidestep stepping on toes or looking immature in many cases.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

Age has nothing to do with it. The issue here is that your FI is trying to pressure you to do something that you don't want to do. Yes, marriage involves compromise ... the members of your bridal party are none of his business.

What should you do? Sit down with your FI. Let him know that your bridal party is your decision and it is not up for discussion. Let him know that you'd like to have her involved in bringing up the gifts or doing a reading. If he persists, you really need to bring this up with the people involved in your Pre-Cana.

ETA: I bet there's more to this than meets the eye. Family dynamics are really tricky, especially as you begin a marriage. I'd ask him why this is such a big deal to him.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

You're right age has nothing to do with it! Now if I could make him understand that my bridal party is my choice not his. I wanted to ask them over Thanksgiving but now with this drama IDK if I will.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

Sorry if I offended anyone with the age comment. I was just stating I didn't want a 40+ as a bridesmaid. I am the youngest at my job and most of the women are old enough to be my mom and some my grandmothers and I am very close with most of them. Age doesn't have anything to do with friendship.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

Knottie1446267529 said:

Sorry if I offended anyone with the age comment. I was just stating I didn't want a 40+ as a bridesmaid. I am the youngest at my job and most of the women are old enough to be my mom and some my grandmothers and I am very close with most of them. Age doesn't have anything to do with friendship.

Seriously, just stop with the age. No need to bring it up again.

Knottie1446267529 said:

You're right age has nothing to do with it! Now if I could make him understand that my bridal party is my choice not his. I wanted to ask them over Thanksgiving but now with this drama IDK if I will.

If you can't get him to understand that, you have some bigger concerns to discuss.

ETA: When is your wedding? You don't need to ask bridal party until ~9 months out.

drunkenwitch · November 2015

Knottie1446267529 said:
Sorry if I offended anyone with the age comment. I was just stating I didn't want a 40+ as a bridesmaid. I am the youngest at my job and most of the women are old enough to be my mom and some my grandmothers and I am very close with most of them. Age doesn't have anything to do with friendship.

I suppose I should just go back to my nursing home, being 40 and all, I'm just plain useless now.

Jen4948 · November 2015

If my 60+ aunt were living, I'd have asked her to be my MOH because she was one of the most important people in my life!

That said, who your MOH and bridesmaids are should be strictly up to you, and your FI should set his aunt straight on that. He needs to back off from you on that. But having her as a reader or gift bearer would be a nice way to include her.

climbingsingle · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

Sorry if I offended anyone with the age comment. I was just stating I didn't want a 40+ as a bridesmaid. I am the youngest at my job and most of the women are old enough to be my mom and some my grandmothers and I am very close with most of them. Age doesn't have anything to do with friendship.

Well, I'm only 5 years away from 40, so it's good to know that maybe someone won't want me in the wedding since I'm so old and wrinkly and gross.

Just stop posting. You're making it worse.

geebee908 · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

It's not that I'm selfish I'm just set in my ways. It's my way or the highway kind of thing. And when I asked him a few weeks ago about her being a BM he said no pick who I want. But of course he forgot that!

This makes me wonder if he didn't find himself backed into a corner or something by the aunt asking about the wedding party and said something that made her think she'd be included. << This is just me hypothesizing, but the change in attitude suggests you should delve a little deeper into why he's pushing this. If he did commit himself in some way to having her be a part of the wedding party, she can stand up on his side.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottie1446267529 said:

Sorry if I offended anyone with the age comment. I was just stating I didn't want a 40+ as a bridesmaid. I am the youngest at my job and most of the women are old enough to be my mom and some my grandmothers and I am very close with most of them. Age doesn't have anything to do with friendship.

Seriously, just stop with the age. No need to bring it up again.

Knottie1446267529 said:

You're right age has nothing to do with it! Now if I could make him understand that my bridal party is my choice not his. I wanted to ask them over Thanksgiving but now with this drama IDK if I will.

If you can't get him to understand that, you have some bigger concerns to discuss.

ETA: When is your wedding? You don't need to ask bridal party until ~9 months out.

My wedding is early 2017, but I have family that lives out of state and they are coming in for Thankgiving.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

geebee908 said:

jgaudet5388 said:

It's not that I'm selfish I'm just set in my ways. It's my way or the highway kind of thing. And when I asked him a few weeks ago about her being a BM he said no pick who I want. But of course he forgot that!

This makes me wonder if he didn't find himself backed into a corner or something by the aunt asking about the wedding party and said something that made her think she'd be included. << This is just me hypothesizing, but the change in attitude suggests you should delve a little deeper into why he's pushing this. If he did commit himself in some way to having her be a part of the wedding party, she can stand up on his side.

Apparently she mentioned things to his mom over the weekend about the wedding. Such as getting makeup done and what color dresses will they wear. She even offered her house for the shower and has offered to help in anyway which I am greatful for. I mean we use to joke about her being in the wedding but I wasn't serious about it. She was the MOH in his sister's wedding last year, but that is her aunt not mine. I think I just need to sit her down and talk to her about it. I wanted her and my aunt to be readers since that is still an important part of the wedding.

Jen4948 · November 2015

climbingwife said:

jgaudet5388 said:

Sorry if I offended anyone with the age comment. I was just stating I didn't want a 40+ as a bridesmaid. I am the youngest at my job and most of the women are old enough to be my mom and some my grandmothers and I am very close with most of them. Age doesn't have anything to do with friendship.

Well, I'm only 5 years away from 40, so it's good to know that maybe someone won't want me in the wedding since I'm so old and wrinkly and gross.

Just stop posting. You're making it worse.

And I'm over 40, and if any of my close relatives or friends asked me to be a bridesmaid, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Lose the ageism.

lembaslover · November 2015

Wait until it is under a year to ask. This will give you time to work things out with your fiance and also relationships change in a year. There is nothing wrong with asking an aunt to be a bridesmaid but since you don't want to and it's his aunt then really the issue here is him not compromising with you. You really need to find out why he has changed his mind and find out if there are other things where he isn't going to compromise on in the future.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:My wedding is early 2017, but I have family that lives out of state and they are coming in for Thankgiving.

Definitely don't do anything yet regarding asking people to be in your bridal party. If people ask, simply say "we're just enjoying being engaged right now ... we'll get into those details of the wedding next year." Then change the topic.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:
Apparently she mentioned things to his mom over the weekend about the wedding. Such as getting makeup done and what color dresses will they wear. She even offered her house for the shower and has offered to help in anyway which I am greatful for. I mean we use to joke about her being in the wedding but I wasn't serious about it. She was the MOH in his sister's wedding last year, but that is her aunt not mine. I think I just need to sit her down and talk to her about it. I wanted her and my aunt to be readers since that is still an important part of the wedding.

Thank her for offering to host the shower and let her know that you can work on the guest list closer to the wedding date (remember that all guests invited to the shower must also be invited to the wedding).

Also, stop joking. It seems as though she is taking the "jokes" seriously.

Considering this is hearsay, I would tread lightly. You don't want to sound like a gossip "oh, FMIL mentitoned this ...". As you are talking to her, do not outright tell her that she is not a bridesmaid. If she makes a comment about what color dress to wear, simply say "Whatever color makes you happy." If she persists, find a way to have your FI join you (without it looking like you are "ganging up" on her). Let her know that you are excited about joining the family and you look forward to getting to know her better. Let her know that you already hahve people in mind for your bridal party and you were actually hoping she would do a reading.

ETA: It is possible for a bridesmaid to do a reading, so please be delicate yet clear to make sure there is no room for her to get the impression that she is doing both.

Jen4948 · November 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

jgaudet5388 said:
Apparently she mentioned things to his mom over the weekend about the wedding. Such as getting makeup done and what color dresses will they wear. She even offered her house for the shower and has offered to help in anyway which I am greatful for. I mean we use to joke about her being in the wedding but I wasn't serious about it. She was the MOH in his sister's wedding last year, but that is her aunt not mine. I think I just need to sit her down and talk to her about it. I wanted her and my aunt to be readers since that is still an important part of the wedding.

Thank her for offering to host the shower and let her know that you can work on the guest list closer to the wedding date (remember that all guests invited to the shower must also be invited to the wedding).

Also, stop joking. It seems as though she is taking the "jokes" seriously.

Considering this is hearsay, I would tread lightly. You don't want to sound like a gossip "oh, FMIL mentitoned this ...". As you are talking to her, do not outright tell her that she is not a bridesmaid. If she makes a comment about what color dress to wear, simply say "Whatever color makes you happy." If she persists, find a way to have your FI join you (without it looking like you are "ganging up" on her). Let her know that you are excited about joining the family and you look forward to getting to know her better. Let her know that you already hahve people in mind for your bridal party and you were actually hoping she would do a reading.

I agree with this with the exception of the bolded. It needs to be made clear to her that she is not a bridesmaid, gently but firmly. Not telling her at all won't make her assumption that she is a bridesmaid go away, and could lead to confusion with other people at the wedding, so this is something that needs to be nipped in the bid.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

Jen4948 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

jgaudet5388 said:
Apparently she mentioned things to his mom over the weekend about the wedding. Such as getting makeup done and what color dresses will they wear. She even offered her house for the shower and has offered to help in anyway which I am greatful for. I mean we use to joke about her being in the wedding but I wasn't serious about it. She was the MOH in his sister's wedding last year, but that is her aunt not mine. I think I just need to sit her down and talk to her about it. I wanted her and my aunt to be readers since that is still an important part of the wedding.

Thank her for offering to host the shower and let her know that you can work on the guest list closer to the wedding date (remember that all guests invited to the shower must also be invited to the wedding).

Also, stop joking. It seems as though she is taking the "jokes" seriously.

Considering this is hearsay, I would tread lightly. You don't want to sound like a gossip "oh, FMIL mentitoned this ...". As you are talking to her, do not outright tell her that she is not a bridesmaid. If she makes a comment about what color dress to wear, simply say "Whatever color makes you happy." If she persists, find a way to have your FI join you (without it looking like you are "ganging up" on her). Let her know that you are excited about joining the family and you look forward to getting to know her better. Let her know that you already hahve people in mind for your bridal party and you were actually hoping she would do a reading.

I agree with this with the exception of the bolded. It needs to be made clear to her that she is not a bridesmaid, gently but firmly. Not telling her at all won't make her assumption that she is a bridesmaid go away, and could lead to confusion with other people at the wedding, so this is something that needs to be nipped in the bid.

Yeah, I'm honestly torn on that part. The one thing that concerns me is it sounds like aunt told FMIL who told FI. That's a LOT of "telephone", and it would be really bad if OP brought it up and there was something "lost in translation". Also, OP mentioned that there were jokes ... I wonder if she is just joking back? Not knowing the people involved makes it harder to know. I do agree that if the aunt legit thinks she is a bridesmaid, OP needs to nip that in the bud.

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