Guest List

glasgowtolondon · December 2015

Yep, you can do this for sure. We're all just saying you shouldn't.

If your venue is more important to you than your guests are, well that's on you.

The knot main website is a commercial enterprise, it doesn't particularly care if your guests are well treated but it does care that you spend more money in the wedding industry. It is in its best interests to perpetuate the myth that your wedding day is all about you, you, you. On these forums the advice tends to be more focused on encouraging brides to realise that once they invite guests the day stops being just about them.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · December 2015

Even if I knew other people at a wedding I was invited to, but FI was not, I wouldn't have nearly as much fun if FI was invited. When people are in relationships, they become more than just themselves. It is important to recognize that Person A now comes with Person B because they are dating, engaged, married, whatever.

The only instance in which I could see the venue coming before the guest list is if you KNOW that you are only inviting immediate family. Even then, you already have a kind-of guest list in your head beforehand. It just doesn't make sense to look at venues without any sort of guest number to go off of.

climbingsingle · December 2015

NoNeedToBeRude said:

We are not inviting my fiancé's god-sisters boyfriend as it is a new relationship as well, we have never met him, and we have to keep our guest list small as we already booked our venue, and it is small. We told her up front that he will not be invited as we have large families and cannot invite every single person's significant other. Just be honest and that's your best bet.

I haven't read through the whole post, only got this far. I find it hilarious that your screen name is NoNeedToBeRude, when what you're doing to your FI's family friend is EXTREMELY RUDE.

spockforprez · December 2015

climbingwife said:

NoNeedToBeRude said:

We are not inviting my fiancé's god-sisters boyfriend as it is a new relationship as well, we have never met him, and we have to keep our guest list small as we already booked our venue, and it is small. We told her up front that he will not be invited as we have large families and cannot invite every single person's significant other. Just be honest and that's your best bet.

I haven't read through the whole post, only got this far. I find it hilarious that your screen name is NoNeedToBeRude, when what you're doing to your FI's family friend is EXTREMELY RUDE.

She changed her screen name - it started as her real name and she was given the advice to change it. After things didn't go her way in this post: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1066291/uh-oh-sent-save-the-dates-but#latest she picked a passive-aggressive replacement.

MairePoppy · December 2015

TheKnot is part of the wedding industry. They will tell you that it's your day, do whatever you want. You know why? They need to lure you here so you'll read their ads. They present lists of duties for parents and wedding party members, all aimed at convincing everyone that if they love you, the darling bride, they will spend money on their goods and services. TK is not an etiquette expert; it is a service for their paid advertisers. It's like the yellow pages, but fancier.

If your loved ones have been tolerating inconsiderate behavior from you throughout your childhood, I imagine they will expect no better from you now, as you are planning your wedding. That doesn't mean they're going to like it, it means they don't have the balls to say no to you.

Once upon a time, brides and grooms cared about having good manners. They purchased etiquette guides, written by etiquette experts and sought advice from people they admired for their graciousness. They wanted to make their guests feel appreciated and welcome.

But you do you. Get your advice from people who care about etiquette (treating their guests properly) or people who care about revenue. It's your day. How do you want people to remember it?

justsie · December 2015

NoNeedToBeRude said:

"If the invitation does not say "and guest" DO NOT bring a guest. Yes, it is unfortunate that you may have to spend an evening apart from your significant other and you may not know anyone else that is attending the wedding, but, think of it as an adventure. The bride and groom are not doing this to be cruel; maybe their dream venue could not hold a large group; maybe their budget was tight. Regardless of their reason, it's their reason and it's their wedding." Copied from an article posted on TheKnot.com. Just saying.

I had some people I was close to decide that there wasn't enough room to invite my fiance to their wedding along with me. It helped me to see that if they didn't care about my relationship, one of the more important thing in my life, then they probably didn't care that much about me. I ended up not going to the wedding, and I haven't spoken to them since. I am happy for them and their life together, but I realized their friendship didn't mean as much to them as I thought it did after that. Just saying.

ShesSoCold · December 2015

Nothing is quite as rude and tacky as inviting people to celebrate your relationship while shitting on theirs.

Jen4948 · December 2015

justsie said:

NoNeedToBeRude said:

"If the invitation does not say "and guest" DO NOT bring a guest. Yes, it is unfortunate that you may have to spend an evening apart from your significant other and you may not know anyone else that is attending the wedding, but, think of it as an adventure. The bride and groom are not doing this to be cruel; maybe their dream venue could not hold a large group; maybe their budget was tight. Regardless of their reason, it's their reason and it's their wedding."

Copied from an article posted on TheKnot.com. Just saying.

I had some people I was close to decide that there wasn't enough room to invite my fiance to their wedding along with me. It helped me to see that if they didn't care about my relationship, one of the more important thing in my life, then they probably didn't care that much about me. I ended up not going to the wedding, and I haven't spoken to them since. I am happy for them and their life together, but I realized their friendship didn't mean as much to them as I thought it did after that. Just saying.

I did the same thing. These people won't be invited to my wedding because they took it upon themselves to judge my 3-year relationship as "not important enough" to warrant inviting my SO simply because he hadn't given me a ring. And these were people I'd felt close to because we'd grown up together.

JoanE2012 · December 2015

NoNeedToBeRude said:

"If the invitation does not say "and guest" DO NOT bring a guest. Yes, it is unfortunate that you may have to spend an evening apart from your significant other and you may not know anyone else that is attending the wedding, but, think of it as an adventure. The bride and groom are not doing this to be cruel; maybe their dream venue could not hold a large group; maybe their budget was tight. Regardless of their reason, it's their reason and it's their wedding." Copied from an article posted on TheKnot.com. Just saying.

Doesn't matter what their reason is - it's rude. No need to be rude - either invite the couple or don't invite them - but sure as hell don't invite just one of them. It's quite simple.

AddieCake · December 2015

NoNeedToBeRude said:

"If the invitation does not say "and guest" DO NOT bring a guest. Yes, it is unfortunate that you may have to spend an evening apart from your significant other and you may not know anyone else that is attending the wedding, but, think of it as an adventure. The bride and groom are not doing this to be cruel; maybe their dream venue could not hold a large group; maybe their budget was tight. Regardless of their reason, it's their reason and it's their wedding." Copied from an article posted on TheKnot.com. Just saying.

Oh, well, if it's from a TK article, that changes everything! TK is the wedding industry. Many of their articles are full of bad ideas, and quoting them to support your own bad idea just makes it worse.

jacques27 · December 2015

NoNeedToBeRude said:

"If the invitation does not say "and guest" DO NOT bring a guest. Yes, it is unfortunate that you may have to spend an evening apart from your significant other and you may not know anyone else that is attending the wedding, but, think of it as an adventure. The bride and groom are not doing this to be cruel; maybe their dream venue could not hold a large group; maybe their budget was tight. Regardless of their reason, it's their reason and it's their wedding." Copied from an article posted on TheKnot.com. Just saying.

This doesn't even apply to significant others because significant others do not get addressed on invitations as "and guest". They get invited by name. All significant others should be invited. "And guest" is a plus one for someone who is truly single and you are not required to give a plus one to truly single people who are not in a significant relationship (to them, not you - you don't get to decide the significance of other people's relationships for them). And yes, it would be rude for someone who was not extended an "and guest" to randomly show up with one - they got that right. But again, since significant others are invited by name that wouldn't apply here.

And no, you don't have to give up your "dream venue" if you prioritize places over treating the people you allegedly love with respect. But you don't get to pretend that you aren't selfish and rude in the process when it involves disrespecting the relationships of people you claim to love. But for most people who prioritize their loved ones over the circumstances of a one day party, they usually have to make a tough call over some aspect or another and realize that it may mean they have to compromise on some parts of their dream. And if you do decide the compromise is in the guest list and not the venue, then you cut the guest list without splitting social units and being rude.

TrixieJess · December 2015

NoNeedToBeRude said:
She was quite understanding because she is a kind person. I have been invited to my share of weddings where my fiancé, boyfriend at the time, was not invited due to guest limits. It's perfectly understandable to me.
Also, let's not have this turn into a post about MY decisions. She asked for advice, I'm giving her mine on what I've done in a similar situation.

I am going to give an example from my real life. After my FI and I had been dating for 4 months, he was invited to a good friend's wedding. She had only met him once, he FI had never met him.

Within the next year we were living together and had a baby, almost 6 years later, we are getting married. You don't know how and what a relationship is going to progress to and it is not up to you to judge.

OP, take the PPs advice and wait until invites go out, bean dip until then.

princessleia22 · December 2015

I didn't say it was good or bad advice, I simply based it off what I am doing. And I actually have pretty good manners, which is why I have been doing just fine in life, thank you for the concern.
What do you suggest someone do if they have a small venue and absolutely do not have room for someone to invite their significant other? If you are absolutely at your cut off and it's "Invite so-and-so's significant other, or invite your other cousin"... Please tell me... "According to good etiquette"

If your venue can't hold everyone with their significant others, you have 2 choices: 1. you find a new venue that can accommodate everyone on your list; or 2. you cut down the list, but not by eliminating SO's.

My venue could accommodate more people, but I wanted a smaller guest list. I have many cousins, most of whom are married or in relationships. So, in order to keep my vision of a small, intimate wedding, I chose not to invite ANY of my cousins. But, just because you are related to them, doesn't automatically mean that you HAVE to invite them. I could have stayed within my preferred size range if I had invited cousins without their SO's, but I'm not that rude.

So, yes, proper etiquette states that you would cut your other cousin from the list (or a friend or whatever other couple is at the bottom of your list) before excluding SO's from those that you have invited.

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