Are we being over looked? What can we do about it?

madamerwin · December 2015

loggersdaughter92 said:

@themosthappy91 Honestly, you are right. I am highly offended that I have come off as a crazy bridezilla to everyone who has read the post, especially because they don't personally know his family. I've spent 3 years trying to fit in, I've put a lot of effort into being part of his family. A new baby is exciting, of course, I'm not saying it's not exciting. I guess I am stepping way out of line by hoping that his family might show the slightest interest that he is getting married. I mean, they are the reason we didn't elope, they all said they would be sad if there wasn't a wedding. I've miscarried two babies already, so there is that twinge of jealousy and then guilt because his sister can so easily carry a baby. But people have made me see just how unreasonable I am being. His family dynamics are what they are, there is no point in being upset about them, and especially no point in crying to strangers about it.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I can see how this would compound your feelings. I suffered a miscarriage a few years back, and two weeks later my sister found out she was pregnant and due around the time mine would have been due. It was really, really hard, even though I love my sister and niece very much. I definitely sympathize with the bolded.

I also understand that it sucks that your FILs are not acting like they are interested in your wedding, that can't be easy. But at the end of the day (wedding), you and FI will be married and starting a new family unit.

You cannot control the feelings or actions of your FILs, but you CAN control how you feel. I really cannot recommend therapy enough - it has helped me both individually and as a partner to my husband.

YogaSandy · December 2015

loggersdaughter92 said:
@holyguacamole79 that is honestly the most helpful thing I've read.
@madamerwin @Jax43615, it was my other post on wedding woes that people were "not so nicely" suggesting therapy. Maybe I do need to take a step back and let go of this image I thought his family would be to me.

But I am honestly so disappointed that my fiance is getting married and his family still treats him like a shadow. This is his sister's second baby, his mom's third grandchild, I kind of hoped that they would pay a little bit more attention to my fiance because having new babies in the family wasn't, well, new anymore.

So my parents and ILs shouldn't have paid too much attention to my pregnancy or DS because he wasn't the first on either side? Sorry, DS is an incredibly wonderful child and everyone (family - not in the world, but everyone in the world could) should be over the moon about him. He is no less special because he has older cousins. He wasn't even the first boy grandchild on DH's side. None of his grandparents treat him as less because he is not the first. Your attitude is very entitled and immature.

Also, coming from someone whose grandmother very obviously has a favourite (and everyone knows it), it hurts when grandparents behave that way. My mom called her out on it recently. Grandma said it was because (favourite) was her first grandchild. My mom corrected her and told her that no, YogaSandy is 11 months older.

I don't ever want my son to feel like I do over that. I also don't want my son to be the favourite and make one of his cousins feel like that. It's very hurtful.

MesmrEwe · December 2015

OP - I think coaching/counseling of some sort may be the way to go on this (given my background I'd avoid most psychs, but anyway). Your FMIL is not going to replace the "Mom" relationship you are craving from her, and that's o.k.! Learning to give yourself that "mom" relationship with yourself is worth every penny that a great coach can provide you with the skills to do as well as grief management (The "Then Comes Family" boards on this subject are fantastic with so many women having been exactly where you are!!!). Also, premarital counseling is another great idea just in general because these issues will continue long into your marriage, regardless of how long you've been dating.

No one is going to be nearly as excited about your wedding as you are (sometimes it's even the FI who has no interest in planning the day itself!). And yes, your FMIL is going to oogle over a daughter/expected grandchild far more than your wedding. Until the vendors are paid and the invitations sent, it's not going to be real to them, and even then, their only job is to show up on the designated day, to the designated site, with those in the WP in assigned attire, relatively sober. As long as you keep that as your expectations in check, you'll be fine. If you want a Halloween wedding, plan a Halloween wedding. Even if your wedding is the week before/after hers, you get one day and she gets one day. Enough with the dancing around dates - make a decision and stick with it together with your FI and get it booked/committed and within your budget.

justsuzie · January 2016

Life's not fair, and the sooner you realize that, the happier you will be!

That being said, family is not everything. If you are lacking a "mother" figure in your life, make your friends your family. Lean on them if that is what you need. Get advice from them. Vent to them. Your fmil and you may have different expectations as to how you would like your relationship to be.

Unfortunately weddings take over some bride's lives and it's hard for them to recognize that very few (if any) people care about it as much as they do. Drama only happens if you let it happen.

lnixon8 · January 2016

Can you spend less time with your future in laws? It must be hard to be around a pregnant woman with your own miscarriages. It doesn't sound like you have a good time pushing your FMIL into a Mom hole or spending time with them in general.

Are we being over looked? What can we do about it?

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