Adult only wedding - Groomsman refuses to attend without child

MesmrEwe · February 2016

OP - this is one that really is your/FI's discretion... Nothing more nothing less...

If you've got the room, there's a reason that your FI asked him to be in the WP, I'd say extend the invite only to this one (no, it isn't going to open the flood gates, and he's in the WP, most guests will understand)... It's not just the wedding but the RD as well. Being OOT, I can't say for certain that I'd be comfortable with a "trusted babysitter" I'm not familiar with. It's one thing if it's his (GM) Aunt Bertha who works in childcare, another if it's someone you choose.

ourdailywed · February 2016

My fiancé and I are having an adult-only reception, so I can relate to the awkwardness that sometimes presents. Here is my take: this is YOUR wedding. Literally the most important day in your life. If you want an adults-only wedding, you should have one and shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I completely understand being stuck between a rock and a hard place with the GM and wanting him to be there on your big day, however, I think if you allow him to bring his child, you need to allow everyone to bring children. It's unfair to allow an exception when your other guests have been respectful of your wishes and arranged childcare (with PLENTY of notice to do so). It sort of sends a message to the other guests that some children are ok to attend-- but not yours. Bottom line: this guy needs a reality check. This is not his wedding. It's not about him or his child. You've provided him with a solution and lots of notice to come up with an alternative. If he can't respect that, maybe he's not the kind of friend the groom really wants standing next to him on his wedding day.

InLoveInQueens · February 2016

Knottie1436905583 said:

My fiancé and I are having an adult-only reception, so I can relate to the awkwardness that sometimes presents. Here is my take: this is YOUR wedding. Literally the most important day in your life. If you want an adults-only wedding, you should have one and shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I completely understand being stuck between a rock and a hard place with the GM and wanting him to be there on your big day, however, I think if you allow him to bring his child, you need to allow everyone to bring children. It's unfair to allow an exception when your other guests have been respectful of your wishes and arranged childcare (with PLENTY of notice to do so). It sort of sends a message to the other guests that some children are ok to attend-- but not yours. Bottom line: this guy needs a reality check. This is not his wedding. It's not about him or his child. You've provided him with a solution and lots of notice to come up with an alternative. If he can't respect that, maybe he's not the kind of friend the groom really wants standing next to him on his wedding day.

Not going to comment on the rest of your post, but I really hope you're being hyperbolic because there are a hundred days as important if not more important than your wedding day. It's the start to something wonderful, sure, but shit goes wrong and acting like a party is the most important day of your life is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Maybe the flowers will be in the wrong color, someone will trip and spill red wine all down the front of your dress, your SO's favorite aunt will have to cancel last minute because her flight got cancelled, you'll be bummed, it won't go perfect, but nothing is perfect. But this attitude is going to make those little hiccups turn into heart attacks and you don't want to sour the day by making a mountain out of a molehill.

I love being married, my wedding day was great, but it's nowhere near the most important day of my life, we have a ton of important days ahead of us and thinking of our wedding as the most important day means everything else is all downhill.

[Deleted User] · February 2016

InLoveInQueens said:

Knottie1436905583 said:

My fiancé and I are having an adult-only reception, so I can relate to the awkwardness that sometimes presents. Here is my take: this is YOUR wedding. Literally the most important day in your life. If you want an adults-only wedding, you should have one and shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I completely understand being stuck between a rock and a hard place with the GM and wanting him to be there on your big day, however, I think if you allow him to bring his child, you need to allow everyone to bring children. It's unfair to allow an exception when your other guests have been respectful of your wishes and arranged childcare (with PLENTY of notice to do so). It sort of sends a message to the other guests that some children are ok to attend-- but not yours. Bottom line: this guy needs a reality check. This is not his wedding. It's not about him or his child. You've provided him with a solution and lots of notice to come up with an alternative. If he can't respect that, maybe he's not the kind of friend the groom really wants standing next to him on his wedding day.

Not going to comment on the rest of your post, but I really hope you're being hyperbolic because there are a hundred days as important if not more important than your wedding day. It's the start to something wonderful, sure, but shit goes wrong and acting like a party is the most important day of your life is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Maybe the flowers will be in the wrong color, someone will trip and spill red wine all down the front of your dress, your SO's favorite aunt will have to cancel last minute because her flight got cancelled, you'll be bummed, it won't go perfect, but nothing is perfect. But this attitude is going to make those little hiccups turn into heart attacks and you don't want to sour the day by making a mountain out of a molehill.

I love being married, my wedding day was great, but it's nowhere near the most important day of my life, we have a ton of important days ahead of us and thinking of our wedding as the most important day means everything else is all downhill.

Quoting this because I can't LOVE IT more than once. "Literally the most important day of your life?" Puh-leez! Um, what about the day you were born? If that day had gone different, you wouldn't be here to get married. What about the day you met the person you are marrying? What about the birth of your children? You're throwing a party. Sure, you're making a commitment first and that's a pretty big deal, but the rest of the day is a party. Nobody is going to die if you let a child show up to this big deal. Take a breath.

Jen4948 · February 2016

adk19 said:

InLoveInQueens said:

Knottie1436905583 said:

My fiancé and I are having an adult-only reception, so I can relate to the awkwardness that sometimes presents. Here is my take: this is YOUR wedding. Literally the most important day in your life. If you want an adults-only wedding, you should have one and shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I completely understand being stuck between a rock and a hard place with the GM and wanting him to be there on your big day, however, I think if you allow him to bring his child, you need to allow everyone to bring children. It's unfair to allow an exception when your other guests have been respectful of your wishes and arranged childcare (with PLENTY of notice to do so). It sort of sends a message to the other guests that some children are ok to attend-- but not yours. Bottom line: this guy needs a reality check. This is not his wedding. It's not about him or his child. You've provided him with a solution and lots of notice to come up with an alternative. If he can't respect that, maybe he's not the kind of friend the groom really wants standing next to him on his wedding day.

Not going to comment on the rest of your post, but I really hope you're being hyperbolic because there are a hundred days as important if not more important than your wedding day. It's the start to something wonderful, sure, but shit goes wrong and acting like a party is the most important day of your life is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Maybe the flowers will be in the wrong color, someone will trip and spill red wine all down the front of your dress, your SO's favorite aunt will have to cancel last minute because her flight got cancelled, you'll be bummed, it won't go perfect, but nothing is perfect. But this attitude is going to make those little hiccups turn into heart attacks and you don't want to sour the day by making a mountain out of a molehill.

I love being married, my wedding day was great, but it's nowhere near the most important day of my life, we have a ton of important days ahead of us and thinking of our wedding as the most important day means everything else is all downhill.

Quoting this because I can't LOVE IT more than once. "Literally the most important day of your life?" Puh-leez! Um, what about the day you were born? If that day had gone different, you wouldn't be here to get married. What about the day you met the person you are marrying? What about the birth of your children? You're throwing a party. Sure, you're making a commitment first and that's a pretty big deal, but the rest of the day is a party. Nobody is going to die if you let a child show up to this big deal. Take a breath.

And if you never get married, does that mean you don't have a "literally the most important day of your life" ?

[Deleted User] · February 2016

Jen4948 said:

adk19 said:

InLoveInQueens said:

Knottie1436905583 said:

My fiancé and I are having an adult-only reception, so I can relate to the awkwardness that sometimes presents. Here is my take: this is YOUR wedding. Literally the most important day in your life. If you want an adults-only wedding, you should have one and shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I completely understand being stuck between a rock and a hard place with the GM and wanting him to be there on your big day, however, I think if you allow him to bring his child, you need to allow everyone to bring children. It's unfair to allow an exception when your other guests have been respectful of your wishes and arranged childcare (with PLENTY of notice to do so). It sort of sends a message to the other guests that some children are ok to attend-- but not yours. Bottom line: this guy needs a reality check. This is not his wedding. It's not about him or his child. You've provided him with a solution and lots of notice to come up with an alternative. If he can't respect that, maybe he's not the kind of friend the groom really wants standing next to him on his wedding day.

Not going to comment on the rest of your post, but I really hope you're being hyperbolic because there are a hundred days as important if not more important than your wedding day. It's the start to something wonderful, sure, but shit goes wrong and acting like a party is the most important day of your life is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Maybe the flowers will be in the wrong color, someone will trip and spill red wine all down the front of your dress, your SO's favorite aunt will have to cancel last minute because her flight got cancelled, you'll be bummed, it won't go perfect, but nothing is perfect. But this attitude is going to make those little hiccups turn into heart attacks and you don't want to sour the day by making a mountain out of a molehill.

I love being married, my wedding day was great, but it's nowhere near the most important day of my life, we have a ton of important days ahead of us and thinking of our wedding as the most important day means everything else is all downhill.

Quoting this because I can't LOVE IT more than once. "Literally the most important day of your life?" Puh-leez! Um, what about the day you were born? If that day had gone different, you wouldn't be here to get married. What about the day you met the person you are marrying? What about the birth of your children? You're throwing a party. Sure, you're making a commitment first and that's a pretty big deal, but the rest of the day is a party. Nobody is going to die if you let a child show up to this big deal. Take a breath.

And if you never get married, does that mean you don't have a "literally the most important day of your life" ?

Yes, Jen. A woman is incomplete unless she is a wife.

Jen4948 · February 2016

adk19 said:

Jen4948 said:

adk19 said:

InLoveInQueens said:

Knottie1436905583 said:

My fiancé and I are having an adult-only reception, so I can relate to the awkwardness that sometimes presents. Here is my take: this is YOUR wedding. Literally the most important day in your life. If you want an adults-only wedding, you should have one and shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I completely understand being stuck between a rock and a hard place with the GM and wanting him to be there on your big day, however, I think if you allow him to bring his child, you need to allow everyone to bring children. It's unfair to allow an exception when your other guests have been respectful of your wishes and arranged childcare (with PLENTY of notice to do so). It sort of sends a message to the other guests that some children are ok to attend-- but not yours. Bottom line: this guy needs a reality check. This is not his wedding. It's not about him or his child. You've provided him with a solution and lots of notice to come up with an alternative. If he can't respect that, maybe he's not the kind of friend the groom really wants standing next to him on his wedding day.

Not going to comment on the rest of your post, but I really hope you're being hyperbolic because there are a hundred days as important if not more important than your wedding day. It's the start to something wonderful, sure, but shit goes wrong and acting like a party is the most important day of your life is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Maybe the flowers will be in the wrong color, someone will trip and spill red wine all down the front of your dress, your SO's favorite aunt will have to cancel last minute because her flight got cancelled, you'll be bummed, it won't go perfect, but nothing is perfect. But this attitude is going to make those little hiccups turn into heart attacks and you don't want to sour the day by making a mountain out of a molehill.

I love being married, my wedding day was great, but it's nowhere near the most important day of my life, we have a ton of important days ahead of us and thinking of our wedding as the most important day means everything else is all downhill.

Quoting this because I can't LOVE IT more than once. "Literally the most important day of your life?" Puh-leez! Um, what about the day you were born? If that day had gone different, you wouldn't be here to get married. What about the day you met the person you are marrying? What about the birth of your children? You're throwing a party. Sure, you're making a commitment first and that's a pretty big deal, but the rest of the day is a party. Nobody is going to die if you let a child show up to this big deal. Take a breath.

And if you never get married, does that mean you don't have a "literally the most important day of your life" ?

Yes, Jen. A woman is incomplete unless she is a wife.

Yup. We're all nothing by ourselves.

SP29 · February 2016

Knottie1436905583 said:

My fiancé and I are having an adult-only reception, so I can relate to the awkwardness that sometimes presents. Here is my take: this is YOUR wedding. Literally the most important day in your life. If you want an adults-only wedding, you should have one and shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I completely understand being stuck between a rock and a hard place with the GM and wanting him to be there on your big day, however, I think if you allow him to bring his child, you need to allow everyone to bring children. It's unfair to allow an exception when your other guests have been respectful of your wishes and arranged childcare (with PLENTY of notice to do so). It sort of sends a message to the other guests that some children are ok to attend-- but not yours. Bottom line: this guy needs a reality check. This is not his wedding. It's not about him or his child. You've provided him with a solution and lots of notice to come up with an alternative. If he can't respect that, maybe he's not the kind of friend the groom really wants standing next to him on his wedding day.

Actually, this is more than fine.

One should never split up a family (invite an older child but not their younger sibling, for example), and it is always wise to invite in circles, but any host CAN invite some children, but not others.

Common circles include- children of siblings or other immediate family, children of the WP, and children of OOT guests.

It is also none of the guests' business who the hosts invite and why or why not.

AddieCake · February 2016

Knottie#s, don't throw around "most important day of your life" here. Maybe your wedding day is the most important day in YOUR life, but that's not true for everyone.

doclago · February 2016

to bad, so sad. He knew with ample time to make arrangements. Not for anything, but what kind of friend is he for putting this on you at the last minute when he KNEW it was adults only?? I think that's a pretty crappy thing to do.

holyguacamole79 · February 2016

VicTim328 · February 2016

Children are never an all or nothing. Honestly, I cannot remember ever attending an adults only wedding where the children of WP were excluded.

To think about a babysitter's perspective, that is a LONG (6-8+hours) time to watch someone you probably don't know well's child. The child may not respond well to the babysitter, especially since it will not be in the child's normal environment.

Your FI should probably have a heart to heart with the GM about what is going on. "Friend, how are things going with DD? I know we had said an adult's only wedding, and you're planning to bring DD, and it made me think that something might be going on. How are things going with her mom? What's going on in your life? How can I help?" Not knowing the parental situation, it could be a variety of things.

There's a reason you asked him to stand with you, and if being slightly accommodating for the OOT GM to bring 1 child to your wedding is the only way to have him there, it'd be worth it.

On the flip side, how will not allowing him to bring the child affect his relationship with the two of you? Will there no longer be a friendship?

CatherineJaneUk · February 2016

I suppose how would it work practically? he is not a guest bringing a child who can amuse them at the back. He would be getting ready with the groom? Doing photos? Standing up at the front during the ceremony. I don't see how that can work with being a groomsman?

whoabethers · February 2016

doclago said:

to bad, so sad. He knew with ample time to make arrangements. Not for anything, but what kind of friend is he for putting this on you at the last minute when he KNEW it was adults only?? I think that's a pretty crappy thing to do.

I agree with this. ^

It's completely s*** that he's putting you guys in this position. He's known for a LONG time that it's adults only and has been okay with it until the last minute?? I'd be peeved if I were you, and I would complain to my FI because that's what I do when I'm annoyed, lol. But at the end of the day, I'd concede because what else can you do? It's an important day for you, but it shouldn't trump relationships with your bridal party. It sucks that you even have to make this decision.

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

What happened???

Adult only wedding - Groomsman refuses to attend without child

Re: Adult only wedding - Groomsman refuses to attend without child

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