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Maid of honor mayhem!

NJBride12NJBride12 member
Name Dropper First Comment
edited April 2016 in Wedding Party
I'm experiencing a power struggle between my maid of honor and one of my other bridesmaids. The MOH has been my best friend forever, and we're really really close. She also has a very dominant personality. She's super excited to be my MOH and wants to do things her way, but she's never been in a wedding before and tends to be a bit disorganised and procrastinate.

My other bridesmaid is a professional planner and has done the MOH role quite a few times and could be really useful to her -- if she would let her help! Unfortunately, my MOH is having none of it. She made a Facebook group for the bridesmaids, but she made herself the moderator and won't even approve posts from my other bridesmaid with ideas to be contributed and ignores all of her texts and calls.

My idea was that she would be fine as MOH because she has a whole team of bridesmaids behind her, but she's floundering trying to do everything alongside an extremely demanding school and work schedule and being really stubborn about letting go of any of the control. My planner bridesmaid is nervous because they're behind on planning and not getting things done, but my MOH still won't accept help.

I had a heart to heart with my MOH begging her to be a team leader by including everyone and cooperating with others, but she's still not budging. What can I do? I don't want her to feel like I'm taking sides, but I need to reign her in.
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Re: Maid of honor mayhem!

  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2016
    Knottie1452658833 said:
    I'm experiencing a power struggle between my maid of honor and one of my other bridesmaids. The MOH has been my best friend forever, and we're really really close. She also has a very dominant personality. She's super excited to be my MOH and wants to do things her way, but she's never been in a wedding before and tends to be a bit disorganised and procrastinate.

    My other bridesmaid is a professional planner and has done the MOH role quite a few times and could be really useful to her -- if she would let her help! Unfortunately, my MOH is having none of it. She made a Facebook group for the bridesmaids, but she made herself the moderator and won't even approve posts from my other bridesmaid with ideas to be contributed and ignores all of her texts and calls.

    My idea was that she would be fine as MOH because she has a whole team of bridesmaids behind her, but she's floundering trying to do everything alongside an extremely demanding school and work schedule and being really stubborn about letting go of any of the control. My planner bridesmaid is nervous because they're behind on planning and not getting things done, but my MOH still won't accept help.

    I had a heart to heart with my MOH begging her to be a team leader by including everyone and cooperating with others, but she's still not budging. What can I do? I don't want her to feel like I'm taking sides, but I need to reign her in.


    You could stop the madness by just refusing whatever parties they night be planning. Your bridesmaids only responsibilities are to show up for your wedding and stand beside you during the ceremony. Your MOH can't get in the way of that too much.
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  • NJBride12NJBride12 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    From what I'm privvy to, stuff like coordinating with each other to pick out bridesmaids dresses.

    I'm not invited in their bridesmaids Facebook group, so I can't say for sure what else is going on. I know they are planning a shower and a bachelorette party, and I don't want to stop them, especially because I think some things have been booked. 

    I'm hearing about this from my FI, who is close with both ladies and has ended up in the middle since I can't know what's going on.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    NJBride12 said:
    From what I'm privvy to, stuff like coordinating with each other to pick out bridesmaids dresses.

    I'm not invited in their bridesmaids Facebook group, so I can't say for sure what else is going on. I know they are planning a shower and a bachelorette party, and I don't want to stop them, especially because I think some things have been booked. 

    I'm hearing about this from my FI, who is close with both ladies and has ended up in the middle since I can't know what's going on.


    This is tough.  On one hand you should stay out of it, but on the other hand you should stop your MOH from acting as the only one who is allowed to do any planning.  She clearly needs help.  Since your FI is in the middle can s/he tell them to stop the madness.

    FI should tell MOH "Friend, I know you want to do what's best for NJBride12, but you are taking on too much in addition to your regular life.  Why not give up planning of a few things and let the other BMs help.  They clearly want to help."

    To the BM: "Friend,  I've been talking with MOH and trying to get her to step back on a few issues and let the remaining BMs help.  I hope that she listens and begins to ask for assistance."

    And if I was your BM, I'd be hella pissed that my ideas about events I'm helping to pay for are going unheard.  I would probably make a 2nd BM page and invite all the current ladies and make the page completely open.  And have a passive-aggressive opening line of, here is an open board so all of our thoughts and feelings can be heard on various BM matters.  I learned the hard way many weddings ago, that you need to speak up for yourself in terms of money and plans. 

    I also agree with Banana.  Just because the BP is in-fighting (so to speak) doesn't mean that the bride needs to decline any pre-wedding events.

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  • NJBride12NJBride12 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    MairePoppy said:
    It's time to talk to your MOH. Tell her it's come to  your attention that the other bms would like to help plan the shower and bp and that you would like them to be involved. Don't be delicate with this dominant personality. Otherwise, your fi should tell the bms, who are complaining, that they should stand up to her. You shouldn't be involved in planning your own shower and bp, so there's only so much you can do.

    Why is the MOH in charge of picking out bm dresses? If you've told them to pick out their own dresses, then that's what they should be doing, no need to consult if you've given them guidelines. If you want a matching bridal party, then YOU, should ask each bm, privately, for her dress budget and then choose something in the lowest range. Tell  your bm to wear accessories of their choice and shoes in a neutral color. You need to take charge, here. 
    My goal was for the bridesmaids to work together to each pick her own dress that she loves while adhering to the theme and keeping it cohesive. That means that they need to use some amount of teamwork so that they don't clash, but it's been tricky getting them all to agree.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    NJBride12 said:
    MairePoppy said:
    It's time to talk to your MOH. Tell her it's come to  your attention that the other bms would like to help plan the shower and bp and that you would like them to be involved. Don't be delicate with this dominant personality. Otherwise, your fi should tell the bms, who are complaining, that they should stand up to her. You shouldn't be involved in planning your own shower and bp, so there's only so much you can do.

    Why is the MOH in charge of picking out bm dresses? If you've told them to pick out their own dresses, then that's what they should be doing, no need to consult if you've given them guidelines. If you want a matching bridal party, then YOU, should ask each bm, privately, for her dress budget and then choose something in the lowest range. Tell  your bm to wear accessories of their choice and shoes in a neutral color. You need to take charge, here. 
    My goal was for the bridesmaids to work together to each pick her own dress that she loves while adhering to the theme and keeping it cohesive. That means that they need to use some amount of teamwork so that they don't clash, but it's been tricky getting them all to agree.

    With more information about the BM dresses, my advice is to just trust them to get a dress within your parameters.  If you can, provide them with paint swatches to find a dress that matches closely to it.  As long as they follow the dress parameters you have given them, they will feel cohesive.  It also takes one controlling aspect from your MOH away.

    The last wedding I was in, my friend just gave us the parameters of a navy colored dress from DB.  We all went at different times and purchased a dress.  Mine was on clearance online and it cost less than $100!  Woohoo!  Anyway, day of the wedding, even though we all ended up with different fabrics giving various tones of navy, we all looked great!  We are all smiling because we found a dress that works for us and made us feel great. 

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  • NJBride12NJBride12 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    climbingwife said:
    NJBride12 said:
    MairePoppy said:
    It's time to talk to your MOH. Tell her it's come to  your attention that the other bms would like to help plan the shower and bp and that you would like them to be involved. Don't be delicate with this dominant personality. Otherwise, your fi should tell the bms, who are complaining, that they should stand up to her. You shouldn't be involved in planning your own shower and bp, so there's only so much you can do.

    Why is the MOH in charge of picking out bm dresses? If you've told them to pick out their own dresses, then that's what they should be doing, no need to consult if you've given them guidelines. If you want a matching bridal party, then YOU, should ask each bm, privately, for her dress budget and then choose something in the lowest range. Tell  your bm to wear accessories of their choice and shoes in a neutral color. You need to take charge, here. 
    My goal was for the bridesmaids to work together to each pick her own dress that she loves while adhering to the theme and keeping it cohesive. That means that they need to use some amount of teamwork so that they don't clash, but it's been tricky getting them all to agree.
    I think if you've given them a theme, they should each be able to pick out and purchase a dress without having the approval of each bridesmaid. I think that could be the cause of some of this. How can one woman purchase a dress if she can't get any feedback from the other bridesmaids? That's got to be frustrating. 
     
    I know, it's really tricky. I don't want to be too bossy and say, "Okay, you have to pick THIS color or one of THESE dresses", but I don't want to end up with a bridal party that's completely uncoordinated either. That's why I was hoping that they would work together to find dresses that coordinate without necessarily having to choose the same thing or color.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This happened with my MOH too. She wouldn't let my SILs (who were also BMs) help with any of the planning, but was expecting them to just pay for whatever she was planning. She didn't get a long with them for other reasons (she wanted to be the only one planning things for me, she felt like I was getting closer to them and not her since they were Hs family). I tried to stay out of it but it got to the point where my MOH tried to kick my SILs out of planning or contributing to the shower at all. It put me in such a bad position, because it was putting me in between my FSILs and my best friend. I got to the point I told them to cancel everything, but they complained to H, he told her to grow the hell up and that she couldn't just demand money from people. It was a fiasco. 

    I probably could have avoided the fiasco if I would have told my MOH to let other people help more strongly than I did and stepped in sooner. I would suggest talking to her directly and ask her to let the others plan and participate. Good luck @NJBride12, I've been there and it sucks. 
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  • NJBride12NJBride12 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    charlotte989875 said:
    This happened with my MOH too. She wouldn't let my SILs (who were also BMs) help with any of the planning, but was expecting them to just pay for whatever she was planning. She didn't get a long with them for other reasons (she wanted to be the only one planning things for me, she felt like I was getting closer to them and not her since they were Hs family). I tried to stay out of it but it got to the point where my MOH tried to kick my SILs out of planning or contributing to the shower at all. It put me in such a bad position, because it was putting me in between my FSILs and my best friend. I got to the point I told them to cancel everything, but they complained to H, he told her to grow the hell up and that she couldn't just demand money from people. It was a fiasco. 

    I probably could have avoided the fiasco if I would have told my MOH to let other people help more strongly than I did and stepped in sooner. I would suggest talking to her directly and ask her to let the others plan and participate. Good luck @NJBride12, I've been there and it sucks. 
    I'm sorry you went through that! Having family involved made it even harder, I'll bet. Thanks for the advice! 
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2016
    NJBride12 said:
    climbingwife said:
    NJBride12 said:
    MairePoppy said:
    It's time to talk to your MOH. Tell her it's come to  your attention that the other bms would like to help plan the shower and bp and that you would like them to be involved. Don't be delicate with this dominant personality. Otherwise, your fi should tell the bms, who are complaining, that they should stand up to her. You shouldn't be involved in planning your own shower and bp, so there's only so much you can do.

    Why is the MOH in charge of picking out bm dresses? If you've told them to pick out their own dresses, then that's what they should be doing, no need to consult if you've given them guidelines. If you want a matching bridal party, then YOU, should ask each bm, privately, for her dress budget and then choose something in the lowest range. Tell  your bm to wear accessories of their choice and shoes in a neutral color. You need to take charge, here. 
    My goal was for the bridesmaids to work together to each pick her own dress that she loves while adhering to the theme and keeping it cohesive. That means that they need to use some amount of teamwork so that they don't clash, but it's been tricky getting them all to agree.
    I think if you've given them a theme, they should each be able to pick out and purchase a dress without having the approval of each bridesmaid. I think that could be the cause of some of this. How can one woman purchase a dress if she can't get any feedback from the other bridesmaids? That's got to be frustrating. 
     
    I know, it's really tricky. I don't want to be too bossy and say, "Okay, you have to pick THIS color or one of THESE dresses", but I don't want to end up with a bridal party that's completely uncoordinated either. That's why I was hoping that they would work together to find dresses that coordinate without necessarily having to choose the same thing or color.
    In a lot of cases, this is more work than it's worth for the bridesmaids. They have to be talking continuously with people they may not really know, and maybe some of them have different ideas of what is "coordinated." You've given one parameter, which means to them that you care about what they look like and they'll stress about meeting your expectations, but it's a super vague parameter.

    Narrow the field (like someone else said, "navy" is easy - navy and coral are hard to look uncoordinated and one of those colors will look good on everyone, give them a length if you care about that) or open it completely.

    etf words
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you want your BM's to be mismatched but coordinate, then all YOU need to do as the bride is give them a dress length and a color palette and then let them choose their own dresses, on their own.

    They don't NEED to get together as a group to pick out dresses.

    As long as they stick within the chosen color palette and dress length, they will look coordinated, and having the same bouquets also helps to pull everyone together for a cohesive look.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I get the "they want to throw these parties" thing, but if they can't work together (looking at the MOH here) and especially if they are pulling her FI into the middle, I'd be open to pulling the nuclear option and saying I'd just rather not have these parties if they're going to cause this much trouble. Then give the option to continue the planning, but only if they can all work it out among themselves.

    Agree also with having them communicate with each other about dresses. You give them the parameters and let them shop for themselves.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    The planner vs. the dominant procrastinator... 

    1) Give the bridesmaids the parameters, and let them individually run with it because then there's no question they chose a dress that they like/feel great wearing.  This way your planner can get that taken care of and your procrastinator can pay the rush fee down the road. 

    2) Eliminate reasons for there to be conflict and point out to the dominant personality that she needs to choose some real-time not BS area to delegate to each of the other BM because if she doesn't she's going to be burnt out before the wedding. 

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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    To ease your mind on the coordinating dresses thing, let me tell you about my bridesmaids. I gave them swatches. Five women spanned five cities in three states, so none of them shopped together. Guess what? Purely by coincidence, two ended up in the same dress in two different shades and they all five had nearly identical waist detailing. Even six-months-pregnant SIL.

    So, yeah. Tell them to do their shopping alone and get rid of at least that pressure. Truly, wedding-appropriate dresses do not actually vary that much, so as long as they fit the color scheme you do not have to worry about cohesiveness.
    image
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Mayhem?



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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    Viczaesar said:
    Mayhem?


    I mean, that's what's happening here, right? 


    image
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