Wedding Woes

Closet-ervention

Dear Prudence, 
My roommate is a beautiful soul. Her wardrobe, not so much. She wears cheap, often tacky dresses (most of them with a “geeky” theme like Star WarsDr. Who, etc) all the time. Many of them are full-length ball gowns with petticoats underneath. Her employers appreciate her hard work and dedication, but I’ve noticed they never take her very seriously and she’s never been put in charge of the department she was trained to take over. I adore her geekiness and think style is personal and subjective, but I know not everyone else sees it that way. Her last boyfriend ended things after she wore an R2-D2 gown to his sister’s black-tie wedding, even after he begged to buy her a new dress. She rarely gets a second date. I have tried getting her to try on other clothes, but she seems uninterested. I think it’s entirely possible the outfits are a shield for her insecurity. I believe there is someone out there who will love her the way she is, but part of me wonders whether it’s time to sit her down and be honest because it’s holding her back professionally and romantically and she doesn’t seem to understand why. I’m worried I’ll lose my friend. Should I butt out or speak up?

—Say No to the Dresses

Re: Closet-ervention

  • In a case like this I think this sort of intervention may never work.   
    mrsconn23MesmrEwe
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    But bowties are cool.  

    To me, this screams judgy... and in no way like LW wants to actually help her friend.  Does LW know for a fact that roommate's clothing choices are holding her back professionally and romantically?  I have dressed like a "normal person" my whole life and I'm neither climbing the ranks in my job nor was I successful at dating (until FH came along... and there are still some lingering doubts).


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    VarunaTTOurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLostJediElizabeth
  • Anyone else thinking if they had the chance they'd suggest the roommate find a new roommate instead of the judgy one who doesn't like her wardrobe?!?!?

    Yea - those outfits are ANYTHING but cheap!  And, not everyone is cut out for a leadership role, where she's at may be the best position for her in the long-term but the roommate doesn't recognize that...

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    OurWildKingdom
  • Dear Prudence, 
    I believe there is someone out there who will love her the way she is, but part of me wonders whether it’s time to sit her down and be honest because it’s holding her back professionally and romantically and she doesn’t seem to understand why

    —Say No to the Dresses


    She clearly does understanding why it's holding her back romantically since her ex-bf already DID sit her down and tell her this. She decided her personal style was more important than that relationship. If roommate tries to push the same thing on her, she will likely make the same decision. Clearly this is an imporant part of who she is that she doesn't want to compromise, and anyone in a relationship with her (friendship, romantic, or otherwise) will just have to accept that.
    lc07
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2016

    Dear Prudence, 
    I believe there is someone out there who will love her the way she is, but part of me wonders whether it’s time to sit her down and be honest because it’s holding her back professionally and romantically and she doesn’t seem to understand why

    —Say No to the Dresses


    She clearly does understanding why it's holding her back romantically since her ex-bf already DID sit her down and tell her this. She decided her personal style was more important than that relationship. If roommate tries to push the same thing on her, she will likely make the same decision. Clearly this is an imporant part of who she is that she doesn't want to compromise, and anyone in a relationship with her (friendship, romantic, or otherwise) will just have to accept that.
    There's no evidence here that her taste in clothing is holding her back from anything.  The BF broke up with the roommate after the wedding, not necessarily because of the dress.  That relationship could have ended for a whole wide world of reasons.  Unless LW knows that the BF said, "I'm breaking up with you because of that dress you wore to my sister's wedding," there's absolutely zero evidence that this is what caused that relationship to fail.

    And, quite frankly, even if the relationship did end over something as stupid as an R2-D2 dress, that guy was an asshole, anyway.

    ETA I don't think an R2-D2 dress is stupid.  I have a Tardis one in my closet.  I'm thinking about wearing it to the RD.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    VarunaTTOurWildKingdomMesmrEwescrunchythief
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
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    The point here, banana, is NOT whether the attire was appropriate.  The point was that there is simply no evidence for the LW to base her claims on, or for her rationale behind an "intervention."  I was simply pointing out that there is no evidence the roommate's relationships are failing because of her wardrobe.

    I have no opinions one way or the other on the matter of whether the attire was appropriate.  That's not for me to judge.  Nor is it for anyone else, either.  But that's what is happening here.  The LW and (if we are to believe the LW, the ex-BF) are judging her because her clothing choices are not in line with what others perceive to be appropriate, and as a result, they think her wardrobe needs to be corrected.

    No one should ever tell a sensible adult what to wear.  The roommate sounds like a perfectly sensible woman, wardrobe or not.  And yes, if the ex-BF ever even once told her what she could or could not wear on this or that occasion--whether her choice was perceived to be "appropriate" or not--then he is an asshole.  For the LW to step up and say these same things based on no concrete evidence also makes her a questionable friend.

    Clothing preferences are a personal freedom, and it sounds to me like a lot of people want to take this liberty away from the roommate based on perception rather than fact.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

  • While I support the roommate wearing whatever the hell she wants, I don't think it's unreasonable for the friend (OP) to say something to her, as long as it's done in a constructive manner. I understand what @banana468 is saying about dressing to suit the environment/cultural "norms". 

    I'm curious if the roommate may have Asperger's or be on the autism spectrum - she doesn't understand that the way that she is dressing is not "normal" and might be giving a poor impression to others. (E.g. having rainbow hair or a lot of visible tattoos in a professional environment - it doesn't make the person any less capable, but it gives the perception that they may not be)
    SP29
  • Dear Prudence, 
    My roommate is a beautiful soul. Her wardrobe, not so much. She wears cheap, often tacky dresses (most of them with a “geeky” theme like Star Wars, Dr. Who, etc) all the time. Many of them are full-length ball gowns with petticoats underneath. Her employers appreciate her hard work and dedication, but I’ve noticed they never take her very seriously and she’s never been put in charge of the department she was trained to take over. I adore her geekiness and think style is personal and subjective, but I know not everyone else sees it that way. Her last boyfriend ended things after she wore an R2-D2 gown to his sister’s black-tie wedding, even after he begged to buy her a new dress. 

    —Say No to the Dresses

    @VarunaTT - this is what makes me think overkill/cosplay

    the 2nd dress that you posted is cute, but i still don't think i'd wear it to work or a black tie event (a date or a girls' night out, absolutely). 

    Based on the ball gown/petticoat comment, i'm picturing something more like this Tardis dress:
    PrettyGirlLost
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Barbie, I actually adore that Tardis dress.  As far as geekchic goes, I honestly think that's pretty classy.

    I love the hat.

    LW needs to mind her own and lighten up.  That's all it really comes down to.  Not her life, not her decisions to make, and, therefore, she should not be making it her problem.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    scrunchythief
  • While I don't get the appeal of dressing that way, if it makes roommate happy, so be it. I tend to think that ex-bf wasn't "the one" if he didn't love her dresses as much as she did. She doesn't have to change herself to win a man. However, if my SO suggested I change An Outfit for one evening while at a formal event, I would have worn something else.
    MesmrEwe
  • If LW's roommate was complaining about issues that *could* be because of her choice of dress, then I could see a way in to discuss the LW's reservations.  But she does not say that, so we have to take the situation at face-value. 

    LW seems to have good intentions, but she's only seeing it from her perspective.   Unsolicited advice on *anything* is almost always the wrong way to go about things.  Road to hell and all that. 
    missJeanLouisecupcait927charlotte989875
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2016
    Barbie, I actually adore that Tardis dress.  As far as geekchic goes, I honestly think that's pretty classy.

    I love the hat.
    I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the Tardis dress - just that it/something like it would probably be out of place at a black tie event or an office. At a theme event/costume event/convention - NBD. Is it something that you would personally choose to wear to a boyfriend's sister's black tie wedding?
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    If it was in my closet and I could get it with a less-full skirt, the honest answer is yes, I probably would. I'm not into poofy ballgowns.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

  • *shrug* I'd personally wouldn't wear it to a black tie but that's b/c I love getting fancy.  But I wouldn't judge someone for wearing it to a black tie (and I'd compliment them on it once I realized what it was).  The regular fancy black tie fundraiser I go to here has everything from black tie tuxes to mod suits, to long gowns, short dresses, and pants suits.  Black tie has just come to mean something that's more casual than it used to be (I mean, how many people even realize that black tie used to require tails and white tie was actually appropriate evening dress with tails).  And the pattern is not obvious at all.  I had a friend who had the most lovely summer maxi dress that I always complimented her on.  It took me a 2-3 viewings to realize the print was Beauty and the Beast.  

    And it really doesn't matter.  Roommate doesn't have any place trying to stick her nose into this woman's closet.  If woman had a hygiene problem, I would get it.  But this is basically telling someone, "Your taste is not good."  It's not going to go well and it shouldn't, b/c it's not roommate's business.
    bleve0821Greenjinjo PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    The point here, banana, is NOT whether the attire was appropriate.  The point was that there is simply no evidence for the LW to base her claims on, or for her rationale behind an "intervention."  I was simply pointing out that there is no evidence the roommate's relationships are failing because of her wardrobe.

    Dear Prudence, 
    My roommate is a beautiful soul. Her wardrobe, not so much. She wears cheap, often tacky dresses (most of them with a “geeky” theme like Star WarsDr. Who, etc) all the time. Many of them are full-length ball gowns with petticoats underneath. Her employers appreciate her hard work and dedication, but I’ve noticed they never take her very seriously and she’s never been put in charge of the department she was trained to take over. I adore her geekiness and think style is personal and subjective, but I know not everyone else sees it that way. Her last boyfriend ended things after she wore an R2-D2 gown to his sister’s black-tie wedding, even after he begged to buy her a new dress. She rarely gets a second date. I have tried getting her to try on other clothes, but she seems uninterested. I think it’s entirely possible the outfits are a shield for her insecurity. I believe there is someone out there who will love her the way she is, but part of me wonders whether it’s time to sit her down and be honest because it’s holding her back professionally and romantically and she doesn’t seem to understand why. I’m worried I’ll lose my friend. Should I butt out or speak up?

    —Say No to the Dresses

    IMO that's pretty strong circumstantial evidence that the BF did break up with her in part for her sartorial choices.

    Was it a dick move nonetheless?  If he dumped her solely over the dress, yes.  But we don't know all the details of their relationship.  Maybe the dress was the last straw of incompatibility that was beyond dress choice.

    I don't think this would really be appropriate for a black tie event:



    It's cute and fun, but I don't think it's formal or dressy enough for black tie.




    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    SP29
  • VarunaTT said:
    Here's my thing:  this doesn't sound like she's cosplaying IRL.  Yeah, that would probably be an issue.

    This R2D2 dress for a black tie, probably bad:


    This is one is cute as heck and totally fine: 


    I just think roommate needs to stay the hell out of it.  I can't imagine an employer not mentioning something about "professional attire" if it's an issue at her work.  And in life, roommate doesn't get to choose what someone else wears.  So, leave it.
    Oh my god I love that second dress and have to go make myself one now. 

    (Says the girl planning herself a geek chic wedding.)

    LW sounds like she has some of her own self esteem issues. If she really thinks that conforming is so important that she needs to sit her (adult) roommate down and tell her how to dress herself, maybe she should concentrating on figuring out that it's ok to be an individual. 
    bleve0821VarunaTTOurWildKingdom
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I call ABSOLUTELY BS on this messing with her romantic options.

    If she's not getting a 2nd date, I'm going to guess it means she's not looking in the right places for those romantic options OR she has high standards (not a bad thing).


    MesmrEwebleve0821
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